Pregnant.

[Amethyst68]

It's he aware he is still liable for child support if he does not sign away his paternal rights? You may say you don't want anything now but that may change if you're struggling in the future!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

Including: I'm not understanding how genealogical testing can reveal the father as an affair vs. an IVF?

 

It can't, but a verbal conversation between your grown child and his/her bio dad would reveal that, especially if the wife (and/or their future kids) catches wind of it.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Also, if any future children they have do their ancestry, and your child does, they may find out about each other.....

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Edit: he will not tell his wife at all costs from what I gather. If they wanted to co-parent I would welcome it because a larger family for the child would be best. That's why in my OP I had even alluded to wanting him to tell his wife so we could all come to an arrangement.

 

Well, she'll eventually find out.

[comingclean]

He told me his wife doesn't want kids. That may be another reason he agreed to this (part of the backup plan). But it doesn't override his desire to protect his current life

[snowcones]

He told me his wife doesn't want kids. That may be another reason he agreed to this (part of the backup plan). But it doesn't override his desire to protect his current life

 

 

I think you're right.

[oceanblue12]

Thank for you spelling it out to me Comingclean. It's hard to imagine

a man not wanting to be involved in his child's life but obviously it happens.

A "backup" plan was what I thought might be a motivating factor for him.

[elaine567]

Edit: he will not tell his wife at all costs from what I gather. If they wanted to co-parent I would welcome it because a larger family for the child would be best. That's why in my OP I had even alluded to wanting him to tell his wife so we could all come to an arrangement.

 

You are his dirty little secret of course he doesn't want to tell his wife. She is hardly going to be happy is she?

A mistress and an illegitimate child, exactly what she needs...

[BaileyB]

You are his dirty little secret of course he doesn't want to tell his wife. She is hardly going to be happy is she?

A mistress and an illegitimate child, exactly what she needs...

 

No that’s only that, but a woman he had been LIVING WITH for a year and a half. No man wants to tell his wife that information... and then, there is a child... Yikes.

[BaileyB]

The benefit is an honest and open relationship with your child. Only an honest relationship can be considered a healthy relationship.

 

I believe every person deserves to know the truth of how they came to be and who their parents are.

 

Wise words. I could not agree more.

 

At some point, you will need to take responsibility for your decisions. This may well involve having the hard conversations with your family and your child. This is a truth that you can’t keep hidden forever...

[bathtub-row]

We had the conversation where he'd be considered a sperm donor without going through the clinic.

 

This is one stupid man.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Wise words. I could not agree more.

 

At some point, you will need to take responsibility for your decisions. This may well involve having the hard conversations with your family and your child. This is a truth that you can’t keep hidden forever...

 

Especially now with all of these DNA testing sites. Can you imagine what it will be like 18 years from now when this child is an adult? They will know everything, including all the details their mother lied about.

 

We no longer live in the age where it is remotely possible to keep secrets about anything.

 

ETA: I have a family member who recently found out, through Ancestry.com that his now deceased paternal grandfather was no blood relation to him or his dad at all.....which means his dad was lied to his entire life.....it's a whole thing.

Edited April 21, 2019 by CautiouslyOptimistic

[noelle303]

I also want to add one more thing. You said you came here to seek support in moving on.

 

Well, part of moving on is owning up to what you did. Lying to your parents, lying to people around you and, most importantly, lying to your child will get you nowhere.

 

I could have also easily lied and said that it was some random guy that got me pregnant. But I didn't and I don't regret that one bit. Being honest made me accountable for my actions, made me accept the consequences and made me really think about what led me to this situation.

 

If I had hidden this, I would have never dealt with it and I never would have moved on from it.

[Bittersweetie]

Especially now with all of these DNA testing sites. Can you imagine what it will be like 18 years from now when this child is an adult? They will know everything, including all the details their mother lied about.

 

We no longer live in the age where it is remotely possible to keep secrets about anything.

 

ETA: I have a family member who recently found out, through Ancestry.com that his now deceased paternal grandfather was no blood relation to him or his dad at all.....which means his dad was lied to his entire life.....it's a whole thing.

 

As someone who has recently been dealing with something of this exact nature, I agree with Noelle. Please be honest, with everyone. The lying that was made to me was not done from a malicious place, but it still hurts nonetheless, even as a 40-something year old woman.

 

I'm also a married woman who had an affair, and had a d-day with my husband. I know what it is like to want to hide the truth, to be ashamed of choices made. I can tell you I am much happier being honest and authentic in my life than I ever was hiding things. It wasn't easy to get to that place, but the hard work was worth the effort. Good luck to you.

[mark clemson]

My understanding of the genetic testing issue is that people frequently find out that either their father is not their bio father (product of an affair) or their mother and father are not the bio parents (adopted but never told, or possibly a very rare hospital mistake).

 

I have read that on the order of 5% of children are actually not the father's bio children. (People are lovely.) Not sure how accurate that figure is.

 

Under the current tech's I believe OPs child, if deceived, would not have a surprise - if the father is some random male via sperm donation and the genetic test produces some random male (to the child) - the AP.

 

I don't believe that tracking a parent down is common via genetic testing, it's more standard detective work.

 

It's possible that in 30 years things may be quite different if most people (or enough relatives to fill in the gaps) are in genetic databases and they start to be set up for this sort of thing.

 

I definitely agree that not telling the child who their father is is unethical to the child. Then again knowing who the father is and the father wanting nothing to do with the child and making threats of retaliation if meetings are suggested may not be much fun either.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Under the current tech's I believe OPs child, if deceived, would not have a surprise - if the father is some random male via sperm donation and the genetic test produces some random male (to the child) - the AP.

 

Right, but if the child is connected to any future siblings, or even a niece/nephew, in the future, and decides to make contact out of curiosity......

[sandylee1]

To be honest in your shoes, I wouldn't tell my child the truth in fact I'd move away and block every means of contact with the MM and tell my child something else.

 

I wouldn't want them to know they were the product of an affair.

[sandylee1]

Well, she'll eventually find out.

 

Not necessarily.

 

Many many affair children are kept secret for their whole life, where the MMs family is concerned.

 

Sometimes the mum tells them the truth and they understand MM wanted nothing to do with them....yet sadly when he passes away they can still feel a loss and end up at the back of the church at his funeral... because the widow and MMs children from the marriage don't know of their existence.

 

I'm sure if his wife truly doesn't want children, this is something they would have discussed and agreed on.

 

The problem is you have no idea if he's being honest with you. He wasn't from the beginning...but I have to say he hasn't future faked you for a minute.

 

In fact him lying from the off should have told you all you needed to know.

 

He was after some extra marital sex and a bit of company. He never said you were more than that.

[elaine567]

Ancestry.com and the like make the hiding of secret sons and daughters more and more difficult.

The more people get DNA tested, the more likely these secrets will be exposed.

[bathtub-row]

No matter how much it hurts a child, they deserve to know where they came from.

[AngelLove]

OP how old are you?

[pepperbird]

To be honest in your shoes, I wouldn't tell my child the truth in fact I'd move away and block every means of contact with the MM and tell my child something else.

 

I wouldn't want them to know they were the product of an affair.

 

 

If you do this, your child may well come to not wanting to have much to do with you as an adult.

I was adopted, and the one thing that I have consistently heard from others who were in the same boat is how painful it is to find out, as an adult, the truth about how they came to be.

I always knew I was adopted, but it comes as a huge shock to find out as an adult, and it's almost always worse in a case where a child has been passed of being from one father when the truth is they were the product of an affair.

[RecentChange]

The child will need to be told WHO his father is.

 

Not that it’s an ex, or a donor, but “John s smith from Cleveland “.

 

To deny a child the information of WHO their father is, to not let them understand that part of themselves is absolutely immoral.

 

I have known people who were lied to for most of their lives. I have seen the emotional trauma and damage it causes. Have you OP? Are you close with anyone who never knew who their father was? Or perhaps years later learned that they had been lied to?

 

I have, and it’s NOT something you do to a child you love. It’s a horribly selfish, cowardly thing to do.

 

You don’t have to say an affair (but the truth will probably come out) - but tell your child who they are. Let them know where they come from. What their ancestry is, what qualities their father had, what his name is. It’s vitally important. Your child will always wonder who their father was, and what they were like, and subconsciously, why they want nothing to do with them - those are burdens you will have to bare - don’t leave all of the weight to your child.

[pepperbird]

 

To deny a child the information of WHO their father is, to not let them understand that part of themselves is absolutely immoral.

 

 

 

This is so true.

So many think they can hide a child's paternity ( or I suppose, maternity) , but these days, that's really hard. Even if his or her parents never spill the beans, there is a good chance someone else will. e.g.- a sibling looking for his or her half sister or brother.

 

It's never easy to find out your background isn't what you thought it was, but the truth is also very freeing. From a purely pragmatic point, e.g.- health information) it's also incredibly important.

 

Add to that, the fact that a child's paternity/maternity is "theirs", not their parents. A person has every right to know where they came from, and if that makes their parents uncomfortable, well, that's their albatross.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Not necessarily.

 

Many many affair children are kept secret for their whole life, where the MMs family is concerned.

 

Less and less likely with advances in DNA and companies like AncestryDNA, etc.