I was needy, pushy and didn't take things. How do I reconnect with her?

[ExpatInItaly]

'A while' is until she decides to contact you and not a moment earlier.

 

She was the one who told you to not contact her so she should be the one to decide when she wants to talk again. Let her initiate. Believe me, she will contact you if she is interested.

 

Yes, I agree.

 

The ball is in her court, OP. Unless she tosses it back to you, it's done.

[Judasandfriends]

Hmmmmm.

 

Well, call me cynical, but with the addition of THAT information, I'm inclined to think that she's just teasing you, while actually sleeping with other men.

 

I wouldn't send her a romantic text. I'd send something like "I'm feeling lucky, come over to my place at X o'clock."

 

Although my gut is telling me that even if you have sex with her, it's unlikely she'll actually commit to an exclusive relationship. I think she was using that angle to manipulate the power dynamic, not because she's actually interested in an exclusive relationship with you - hence the back-pedaling. Seems to me like she was hoping to get you "on the hook" so to speak, without making much of an investment herself, and this backfired when you were immediately willing to entertain the notion. She wanted you around as a steady OPTION and source of attention and validation, but doesn't want to eliminate her other options to get that.

 

Like I said, that's a pretty cynical take on it - and it could certainly be wrong. But if she was the one who brought up exclusivity, while dangling the possibility of sex like a carrot, I think it's worth considering that maybe what happened is that she realized that SHE botched it and now hasn't left herself a way to get whatever it is she wants from you without making a commitment that she doesn't genuinely want to make.

 

This is interesting to hear.

 

One thing I'm suprisingly good at is getting a vibe quickly of if the the girl is looking for a bit of rough and tumble or something longer term.

 

I mean everyone can be wrong, but with this girl I got the vibe of being longer term. I've spent time with her and her mates and they're all a tad nerdy, don't like to drink a lot, quite quiet (I'm not one to stereotype) but her behaviour with them as well as when we were saying was one where just a bit of fun was something she wasn't looking for.

 

We were both very cuddly on dates, she wouldn't let go of me when out in public. Either holding my hand or always trying for a hug or a kiss which was all really nice. She was very genuine which is rare these days in my experience.

 

Maybe she's the one that got away, so to speak.

[preraph]

Most women would like a romantic note from the right person, but a romantic note on the heels of them telling you to back off is just inappropriate and creepy. A romantic note from someone you don't want one from is not romantic, in other words, but out of place. You can't change a woman's mind if she's got it made up, and sounds like she is asking for you to back off.

[kendahke]

Anytime anyone tells you "don't call us, we'll call you", that means DON'T CALL unless you want your butt handed back to you.

 

but here is the thing I'm seeing fall out in your subsequent posts: you aren't here for what she's saying to you. You are too busy trying to find a way to get your own way with her, despite what she has clearly asked out of you. And that is wrong.

 

Any further communication with her is going to affirm with her that this space was the right idea because you can't respect what she asks... and she's gotten tired of asking you to stop contacting her (that's what her demeanor is screaming--it's amazing that you can't (or more to the point--won't) divine that.

 

And yes, you can make such an nuisance of yourself that even someone you've spent time being their cuddlebuddy with will get sick of the manipulation with a quickness.

[preraph]

From what I've said, where did you think she had low interest? Surely there are people out there that want a bit of space from someone because the other is too clingy, but still have interest and needs time to think about what they want? Her best mate told me she was really into me and got jealous when she saw me talking to another girl soon before she said about not talking for some time.

 

If I were her, you going behind her back talking to her best friend for info would also make me mad.

[TheFinalWord]

As others have noted, you have to let her reach out to you. If she has any interest, she will eventually reach out. If she doesn't than there was nothing you could have said or done to change her mind. If you send that text, it won't have the outcome you are looking for and all it's going to do is make you feel rejected again, lower your self-esteem, and reduce your self-respect. This woman told you she doesn't want to hear from you. She should be honored to talk to you and to receive the gift of your time. You don't chase someone that has blown you off or given a "meh" response when you offered to get to know them.

 

A golden truth with women: a woman has to respect you to love you. If you show you have no respect for yourself by chasing a woman that has blown you off with dumb excuses, there's no way she can respect you.

[Judasandfriends]

As others have noted, you have to let her reach out to you. If she has any interest, she will eventually reach out. If she doesn't than there was nothing you could have said or done to change her mind. If you send that text, it won't have the outcome you are looking for and all it's going to do is make you feel rejected again, lower your self-esteem, and reduce your self-respect. This woman told you she doesn't want to hear from you. She should be honored to talk to you and to receive the gift of your time. You don't chase someone that has blown you off or given a "meh" response when you offered to get to know them.

 

A golden truth with women: a woman has to respect you to love you. If you show you have no respect for yourself by chasing a woman that has blown you off with dumb excuses, there's no way she can respect you.

 

I hear all this being said, but why do people think that respect is something you wait around until the other sees it in you. People gained respect by doing stuff that took courage or against the norm. As long as it wasn't offensive then people naturally respected that type of decision making if they thought it deserved it. If they didn't deserve it then that's fine, but if you don't shoot or hit then you don't score.

[Marc878]

If you chase they move farther away. If there was a chance I think you blew it.

 

It doesn't sound like you are mature enough for a committed relationship at this time.

 

Perhaps it would be better if you dated around and learned a thing or two

[preraph]

Sorry, doesn't work that way. You can't pester and disrespect a woman into wanting you and seeing it your way on your terms. She may well give you another chance, but not if you keep pushing. It's disrespectful because she has her own brain and you acting like what she wants doesn't matter is like saying you know better than her what SHE wants. It's insulting.

 

Your only hope at all is to stop everything and see if she decides it's safe to contact you since you controlled yourself at her request. But I know you can't keep it up, so there really is no point.

[Judasandfriends]

Sorry, doesn't work that way. You can't pester and disrespect a woman into wanting you and seeing it your way on your terms. She may well give you another chance, but not if you keep pushing. It's disrespectful because she has her own brain and you acting like what she wants doesn't matter is like saying you know better than her what SHE wants. It's insulting.

 

Your only hope at all is to stop everything and see if she decides it's safe to contact you since you controlled yourself at her request. But I know you can't keep it up, so there really is no point.

 

I'm not saying I know better than her at all. All I'm saying is that why should I wait forever to see if she thinks I can change (she may think I can never change without seeing it for herself). She may think that I will be begging for another chance as soon as she speaks to me, and that could be why she doesn't want to initiate contact.

 

All I want to send is that I know that being pushy and not letting her breath and have her space was wrong, and that going behind her back by getting advice from her best mate was wrong and I've learned that now. And if she fancied a chat then to let me no but no pressure if not.

 

What part of any of that sounds needy, pushy and clingly, lack of repsect and unthoughtful?

 

If anything, surely it's a change to hear that a guy can actually own up to his mistakes instead of blaming it on other things, which is what a lot of guys actually do.

 

I'm not forcing her to say anything, I'm just saying that I'm human and mistakes can happen as well as people learn from them.

[bachdude]

I'm not saying I know better than her at all. All I'm saying is that why should I wait forever to see if she thinks I can change (she may think I can never change without seeing it for herself). She may think that I will be begging for another chance as soon as she speaks to me, and that could be why she doesn't want to initiate contact.

 

All I want to send is that I know that being pushy and not letting her breath and have her space was wrong, and that going behind her back by getting advice from her best mate was wrong and I've learned that now. And if she fancied a chat then to let me no but no pressure if not.

 

What part of any of that sounds needy, pushy and clingly, lack of repsect and unthoughtful?

 

If anything, surely it's a change to hear that a guy can actually own up to his mistakes instead of blaming it on other things, which is what a lot of guys actually do.

 

I'm not forcing her to say anything, I'm just saying that I'm human and mistakes can happen as well as people learn from them.

 

Because she asked you to LEAVE HER ALONE for a while.

 

How long is 'a while'? A: As long as she decides.

 

He's just not seeing it.

[preraph]

^ That. She asked you NOT to. And come on, get real. This is how you are. You can't change. She is an adult and knows people don't change like magic. And anyway, this has made you unattractive to her. Again, I think you have no real chance with her, but your best shot is to not contact her and see if she decides, well, he did take seriously to give me space and so maybe he's more mature than I gave him credit for.

 

Again, your basic personality is not going to fly with this woman for any length of time. And you just don't get it, so I don't see how you think you can convince her you'll change. Especially by doing the one thing she asked you not to do.

[kendahke]

I hear all this being said, but why do people think that respect is something you wait around until the other sees it in you. People gained respect by doing stuff that took courage or against the norm. As long as it wasn't offensive then people naturally respected that type of decision making if they thought it deserved it. If they didn't deserve it then that's fine, but if you don't shoot or hit then you don't score.

 

 

The fault upon which this logic is built has to do with free will. Doing "a thing" and manipulating another human being to your will are in two separate universes.

 

 

And you are not the decider for her what is or isn't offensive. She is sovereign of her life's experiences which have brought her to where she is today and is entitled to proceed from said experiences in whatever manner she sees fit.

 

 

 

You've already shot--it bounced off the rim and deflated. Whomp whomp... Don't be that guy... you'll have to turn in your alpha card.

Edited April 19, 2019 by kendahke

[TheFinalWord]

The genuine mentality you should have after she said she didn't want to hear from your for awhile:

 

F U Bitshh

 

Don't say that to her, but that is how your attitude should be. That you don't care if you ever hear from her again. Good actually, one less thing you have to care about in life. Flirt and date other woman. She is. When she said that to you, she knew that there was a chance she would never hear from you again, and she weighed things out and told herself "it's okay, I can live with that." She dismissed you and knew there was a good chance, you would be gone forever. In fact, if you told her off when she told you that, there was a better chance she would have wanted you back because you would have at least riled her emotions. But by asking about her to her friends, texting her all the time, she knows she can treat you like crap and you'll take her back with a text. You're easy to get back, there's no uncertainty, and so she can have her cake and eat it to. Don't ask about her to her friends, that will get back to her and shows you care. Plus, you're glorifying this woman. She's nothing special. She's just like all the other women out there, she goes to work, talks to her friends, flirts with other guys, and has a boring, uneventful life. One day she may need some validation and so she'll reach out when she's bored because she knows you'll reassure her that she's a great person and you'll always be there for her no matter how crappy she treats you. You're attitude needs to be, if she ever reaches out, maybe you'll respond, but probably not. Depends if you are bored or not. Then if she does, just stop replying mid conversation lol No way should you consider this woman girlfriend material.

Edited April 19, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[basil67]

she knows she can treat you like crap and you'll take her back with a text. You're easy to get back, there's no uncertainty, and so she can have her cake and eat it to.

 

This is a bit of a stretch. Moving on after a month because someone got all needy is hardly treating them like crap. And there's no reason to assume she wants him back.

 

When breakups happen, it's sensible to question if and how we contributed to it. Simply blaming the ex means a person learns nothing.

[toomanyquestions123]

I am right now in the girl's shoes since the guy I am talking to now who i met online, is being very pushy. He romantasizes everything, texts me a lot, says i miss you, and plan for a lot of future trips,outings. He is literally suffocating me, and i am trying to talk to him to calm it down and to stop rushing things. He would say that this is how he is and he cant but express how he feels. FOR WOMEN, this is a redflag, that's why she stopped talking to you.

 

I say send her this message without the coffee part see if she responds and then ask her for a coffee if her response was positive.

[TheFinalWord]

This is a bit of a stretch. Moving on after a month because someone got all needy is hardly treating them like crap. And there's no reason to assume she wants him back.

 

When breakups happen, it's sensible to question if and how we contributed to it. Simply blaming the ex means a person learns nothing.

 

I may have conveyed that incorrectly. Though I do think telling someone "I don't want to hear from you for awhile" is kind of rude and dismissive. Who says that to someone? A person that's immature in my opinion and wants to put him on the back burner. Just give him enough hope in case she changes her mind, but who cares how he feels. She should have just said she's not interested and for him to move on. Instead, she's put him in limbo. But I digress...

 

What I meant is that she can treat him any way she wants, like putting him in backup, because as long as he keeps contacting her, she knows she can have him back anytime. There's no uncertainty with him. No anxiety. His only chance is, if she has any attraction at all, to cease all contact. If she thinks she may lose him forever unless she contacts, she might reach out.

 

Not that she will, but that's his only chance.

 

My post was intended to help the OP adopt another mindset. I think we've all been needy at some point in our dating lives. Neediness is rooted in feeling like you aren't good enough. That you're lacking. He needs to take a different mindset. That he's happy to have her in his life, but just as happy if not. If someone doesn't want you, their loss. That he should not put her on a pedestal because he doesn't need her in his life. She would be a compliment, nothing more. If he adopts that mindset, he won't become needy and he won't repeat this mistake with the next dating prospect.

 

I agree with the last sentence. Please note, I did not excuse him from blame. See post 31.

Edited April 19, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[Judasandfriends]

Call me silly but I've been reading a bit about introverts (as she's said she is one). Before you say that being an introvert is not the problem and every person is different, hear me out, because I agree with you.

 

Some of it is news to me, call me naive or whatever, but I've never really looked into it that much until now, hoping to find why my behaviour would be off putting to an introvert.

 

And the big one is recharge time and the ability to be alone. A lot of introverts seem to all agree that wanting quiet time from a potential partner or a best friend is ideal to keeping a relationship with that person smooth. Some have said as much as a few days, some have said as much as a week or two depending on how that person was with them.

 

They require space to find comfort, so whenever someone interferes with their ability to find space and/or smothers them, then it can instantly cause stress and overthinking (the person I was seeing before asking for space has said she didn't want to overthink a situation and potentially make a decision that didn't make her happy).

 

With that it also seems to be a shared issue with that community that being pressured is a problem and makes them want to step back and want space (without much explanation due to fear of being judged) as they're out of their comfort zone when feeling pressured. And they don't normal reach out the other way once the feel okay again in case they're made to feel pressured again, so most apparently don't take that risk.

 

If the person can acknowledge the problem they caused a while after it happened, in a way which isn't pressuring then that is music to an introverts ears.

 

Maybe I'm looking too much into it to try and find a good reason to contact her, or maybe this actually makes sense. Either way since reading these articles and opinions from introverts I feel a lot happier as I think a part of me now understand why she said some of the things she said to me, to a certain extent.

 

As I said, no one size fits all, but she definitely is an introvert to a certain degree, she even told me about the introvert pages she follows and admits to it which I respect.

 

Now at least I feel like I understand her more, just a shame it took me making some big mistakes to actually see it.

 

What do you guys think from a neutral point of view?

[TheFinalWord]

"What do you guys think from a neutral point of view?"...

 

That you are trying to rationalize her clear message to not contact her. That you are trying to "save her" from her introverted nature. That it's not her that is rejecting you, it's because she's trapped in the prison of introversion. And if you could only understand her better, and she knew how much you cared about her and read up on her issues, she would see what an awesome guy you are and would fall in love.

 

Even if all this were true, that she's spending all these weeks in quiet solitude, trying to analyze her feelings for you (which is not happening, that's your mind creating a story), would you really want to try to develop a relationship with someone like that? Way too much work.

 

Ain't gonna happen friend. This one is a lost cause. Maybe you'll hear from her at some point, but I wouldn't plan on it. I would put her out of your mind, learn from this, and find someone new.

 

 

Your behavior was off putting to her because you were pushing for a relationship when you barely knew her. Nothing to do with her being introverted. You wanted her to commit to you, when she knows barely anything about you. She told you she liked you, but you need to let it grow naturally overtime. But you didn't listen, and kept pushing anyway. She's lost attraction because of your pushy behavior. Your ONLY chance is to leave her 100% alone and let her contact you, when she's ready. Not when you are ready. When SHE is ready.

 

BTW I can see why she's frustrated. We have all conveyed this to you, and you still don't listen but keep insisting that there is some other solution. You need to work on listening and truly trying to hear what people are saying, instead of ignoring it and pushing forward with your own agenda.

You need to work on this behavior. You actually don't want her to contact you now because you're going to act the same way you did originally and completely turn her off. I'm not trying to be rude. Being straightforward with you.

Edited April 19, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[elaine567]

I've never had an experience where interest can go completely in only a couple of days. Didn't know that was possible when the person was showing more interest than me in person :/

 

You yourself said she was a lovely person so I guess she was doing what a lot of women do, she was being polite.

 

Freed from the pressure of the face to face she told you directly not to contact her. I guess she added "for a while" because again she is being nice and to avoid a direct confrontation with you.

Take the hint. You like her, she is not interested in you.

Relationships are hard enough with people who are crazy about you, so it is best to forget the lukewarm folk and those who tell you not to contact them "for a while"

[Judasandfriends]

"What do you guys think from a neutral point of view?"...

 

That you are trying to rationalize her clear message to not contact her. That you are trying to "save her" from her introverted nature. That it's not her that is rejecting you, it's because she's trapped in the prison of introversion. And if you could only understand her better, and she knew how much you cared about her and read up on her issues, she would see what an awesome guy you are and would fall in love.

 

Even if all this were true, that she's spending all these weeks in quiet solitude, trying to analyze her feelings for you (which is not happening, that's your mind creating a story), would you really want to try to develop a relationship with someone like that? Way too much work.

 

I'm not trying to save her at all. I don't think introverts or extroverts should change who they are at all. I was just making a point that if I knew more about extroverts and introverts a bit more then I may have not have behaved as I did.

 

Some people say on here "oh she loss interest in you before you pushed her and smothered her and that this was just the final nail in the coffin", but what if instead she started losing interest because of how I was behaving in those final few days.

 

I'm just saying that nobody knows why she hasn't contacted me but her. Maybe she hasn't because she's lost interest in me, maybe she hasn't because she's concerned that if she does then I'll be smothering and pushy again. Maybe we are both now holding back (not always in the forefront of our minds) waiting for a move by the other to see how they react so neither gets hurt if it repeats again like it did last time. After all, she's the one that said she never approaches the guy because she never knows what to say unless she is forced to.

 

All I know for sure is that as soon as I pushed, she pulled away, and the more I pushed and tried to escalate things with her, the more she withdrew, to a point where she said it was too much because I was pushing her away.

 

Holding back, not sending anything ever and playing it safe seems to be the general consensus on here. But does this mean then that all you guys think that playing it safe always works for whatever reason?

[Judasandfriends]

I am right now in the girl's shoes since the guy I am talking to now who i met online, is being very pushy. He romantasizes everything, texts me a lot, says i miss you, and plan for a lot of future trips,outings. He is literally suffocating me, and i am trying to talk to him to calm it down and to stop rushing things. He would say that this is how he is and he cant but express how he feels. FOR WOMEN, this is a redflag, that's why she stopped talking to you.

 

I say send her this message without the coffee part see if she responds and then ask her for a coffee if her response was positive.

 

What's your stance with him, is he pushing to the point where you may want space for awhile?

 

And do you think sending the message to her is safe? I'm not trying to manipulate her, just want to show that I know what went wrong and that it was wrong to try and escalate things with her when I should have let it grow organically.

 

Sometimes you have to show that you can change or want to work things out. Me being silent and never reaching out can also come across that I'm not willing to show I can change and that she's not worth the effort.

 

During my final year at university I lived with three girls. There were a few lads they dated that acted like I did, so the girls would decide to ask for "space for awhile", to only be let down because they thought they wasn't valued much in the guys eyes as he never tried to reach out again for whatever reason. They soon wanted them too reach out but the girls didn't want to be seen as weak despite still having some interest in the lads, so it stopped them reaching back out to the lads, and these girls are more confident than the girl in this situation with me.

[Redhead14]

But does this mean then that all you guys think that playing it safe always works for whatever reason?

 

Good Lord, Judas. I'm feeling the way she probably felt just by following your thread and responses! You only knew this girl a month and she pushed you away for good reason apparently. You almost seem obsessed.

 

It's not about "playing it safe" because it "works". It's more about common sense. The girl told you straight up you were smothering her and she didn't want to be in touch with you. The "for a while" part was a nicety because she maybe didn't have the heart to tell you to get lost once and for all. She didn't do you a favor by trying to temper it and spare you because it's caused you to perform a ton of mental gymnastics and mind F'ing yourself.

 

I think the reality is that if she really mean't "for a while", you'd have heard from her yourself by now. She didn't really mean "For a while". What she mean't was "For ever".

 

You have two choices: a) send her a message that doesn't seem pushy and hope for the best or b) let it go and learn from the experience.

 

Frankly, I think you should choose option B. You are entirely to strung out on this girl and you will have a hard time not coming across that way to her. You haven't changed in two weeks. Otherwise, you wouldn't have had any difficulty sending her a message and just sitting back and accepting whatever happens -- as in being chill about it either way.

[bachdude]

 

Sometimes you have to show that you can change or want to work things out. Me being silent and never reaching out can also come across that I'm not willing to show I can change and that she's not worth the effort.

 

The best way to SHOW you have changed is not by WORDS but by BEHAVIOR.

[Judasandfriends]

The best way to SHOW you have changed is not by WORDS but by BEHAVIOR.

 

How can she see if I've changed when there is no communication?

 

She could see me as "he's messaging me still because he's needy", but could also see me as "he hasn't changed and has just given up trying".

 

Don't suppose if anyone believes that gut feeling and all that can predict anything, but feels like my gut is wanting me to wait til the weekend is over to send the message the following week.