Author Angelavictoria Posted April 17, 2019 Author Share Posted April 17, 2019 Angela, do you think if he was not with you he would move to Florida to be closer to his kids? No, it has nothing to do with me. its because of work... he is focussed on making more $ to provide for them as well as build his new life/future...which he is involving me Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 I don’t think he’s a bad guy or a poor father. He let his ex talk him into doing something that may have seemed reasonable at the time but he realized the reality of that was totally different. I think the real problem is that the two of you have different goals and are at conflicting phases in your lives. He’s hesitant about getting married again and has no desire to have kids. This really conflicts with where you are in your life. He sounds, overall, really nice, driven, and intelligent but finding a partner for life requires that the really important things fit in place. I think there are too many things here that are bothering you. You would be better off finding someone less encumbered, whose situation is closer to yours - no kids, etc. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Angelavictoria Posted April 17, 2019 Author Share Posted April 17, 2019 I don’t think he’s a bad guy or a poor father. He let his ex talk him into doing something that may have seemed reasonable at the time but he realized the reality of that was totally different. I think the real problem is that the two of you have different goals and are at conflicting phases in your lives. He’s hesitant about getting married again and has no desire to have kids. This really conflicts with where you are in your life. He sounds, overall, really nice, driven, and intelligent but finding a partner for life requires that the really important things fit in place. I think there are too many things here that are bothering you. You would be better off finding someone less encumbered, whose situation is closer to yours - no kids, etc. You got this pretty on point!! hes not being a poor father. he still very responsible and trying his hardest to work. at the time it was reasonable as his ex sold that to him.. saying he can come anytime.. but now time passes, and it doesnt seem like what she promised and then there are all these factors involved. Do you think i should give try to meet the kids first and base my decision then? they already know who i am.. but never met me in person... and they will be coming in next month. or no point meeting them as it seems like our goals dont align? like i know the answers are crystal clear.. but my heart is still holding on. I want to make the best decision for myself... but not feel so much hurt.. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 His kids should not be part of your decision-making process. I do not recommend meeting them. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 Agree. Let's turn the tables and pretend it's a mother and not a father doing this. What would we think of the mother? Why is a father given these excuses? We'd rightly say the mother abandoned the children and everyone would think she's scum. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 Be careful. How this usually plays out is that the divorcing person, once divorced goes "OMG I am now actually free" Their confidence builds and they start looking around. The world seems a better place. They are no longer the depressed mess that they were and they start feeling good. They start thinking that they don't actually need the person that helped get them through the bad times. In fact it may be a bit depressing to be in that person's company. They realise that the "rebound" is not someone they want to be with. They want to play the field, they want to go out looking for someone who is real partner material... This man has just come out of a long marriage, he will not want to tie himself down again for a while, he still has some wild oats to sow... Do not sacrifice yourself for this guy - he is not worth it, he will let you down. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 You got this pretty on point!! hes not being a poor father. he still very responsible and trying his hardest to work. at the time it was reasonable as his ex sold that to him.. saying he can come anytime.. but now time passes, and it doesnt seem like what she promised and then there are all these factors involved. Do you think i should give try to meet the kids first and base my decision then? they already know who i am.. but never met me in person... and they will be coming in next month. or no point meeting them as it seems like our goals dont align? like i know the answers are crystal clear.. but my heart is still holding on. I want to make the best decision for myself... but not feel so much hurt.. If avoiding heartache is your goal, then stay with him but accept the entire package wholeheartedly. If the kids already know about you, then it may be ok to meet them - let that be you and your bf’s decision. If they’re total brats, then you have another reason to walk away. I actually wouldn’t date a guy I knew because his kids were horrible and out of control. No way did I want that in my life. Also remember that the existence of his children will dictate a lot of your life for the next several years. But if they’re great kids and all, then that’s great. I guess why I’m saying is that if you’re going to stay with him, then do it with your whole heart. No relationship is perfect, and don’t resent him for the things he must contend with. You have to decide if there are true dealbreakers here. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 You got this pretty on point!! hes not being a poor father. he still very responsible and trying his hardest to work. at the time it was reasonable as his ex sold that to him.. saying he can come anytime.. but now time passes, and it doesnt seem like what she promised and then there are all these factors involved. Do you think i should give try to meet the kids first and base my decision then? they already know who i am.. but never met me in person... and they will be coming in next month. or no point meeting them as it seems like our goals dont align? like i know the answers are crystal clear.. but my heart is still holding on. I want to make the best decision for myself... but not feel so much hurt.. You already made the decision before you asked us. Now you’re just delaying the inevitable... which means even more heartache! And no, don’t meet them! It is HIS time with them! This is part of dating a divorced Dad. Stay out of it! He needs every single minute with them alone. He should want to be with them alone! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Angelavictoria Posted April 21, 2019 Author Share Posted April 21, 2019 If avoiding heartache is your goal, then stay with him but accept the entire package wholeheartedly. If the kids already know about you, then it may be ok to meet them - let that be you and your bf’s decision. If they’re total brats, then you have another reason to walk away. I actually wouldn’t date a guy I knew because his kids were horrible and out of control. No way did I want that in my life. Also remember that the existence of his children will dictate a lot of your life for the next several years. But if they’re great kids and all, then that’s great. I guess why I’m saying is that if you’re going to stay with him, then do it with your whole heart. No relationship is perfect, and don’t resent him for the things he must contend with. You have to decide if there are true dealbreakers here. Yea I get what you say saying, it’s either I accept everything or not. And it’s not his fault that he has to content to all of these things. We have been fighting a lot lately about us and if our future goals align.. it’s sad because we probably know that they don’t. He told me his priorities. We got in fights the other day and times he has slipped up and called me his ex wife’s name... I was so livid and sad... is this normal to deal with if I accept all this? He’s been with her for like 20 years... so will these slip ups continue? I don’t want to ignore the signs.. also she’s using him as an atm machine, she has no money and he pays for their house, car, spousal support and money for the kids... he’s stressed and I said he needs to finalize the papers so he knows what he is paying. My question is... is all this crap and uncertainty because they haven’t fully divorced yet with more set answers to what he actually has to pay and etc? Like would it be better once that finalizes? Or will it get worse..she might take him to court. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted April 21, 2019 Share Posted April 21, 2019 (edited) It's almost never a good idea to date someone separated. Wait until the person gets a divorce. That's the first problem I see. Also, what's up with the debt you mentioned? Is that something you want to be tied to? Here is the hard truth for women after about age 25. If marriage is your goal, you need to move on after a year. After that, there is an increasing chance that the relationship is a sunk cost fallacy. He doesn't even know if he wants to get married again. You're looking for someone to build a life with. You're both on completely different pages. You're also 30, so you need to decide if you want kids or not. Is this important to you? Edited April 21, 2019 by BC1980 Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted April 21, 2019 Share Posted April 21, 2019 He has too much baggage, doll. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted April 21, 2019 Share Posted April 21, 2019 He is still married... to HER. Yet you are making demands while he’s trying to take care of his family. It’s best to end it. He’s still very much attached to her. He would be better off trying to work things out with her. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 21, 2019 Share Posted April 21, 2019 My question is... is all this crap and uncertainty because they haven’t fully divorced yet with more set answers to what he actually has to pay and etc? Like would it be better once that finalizes? Or will it get worse..she might take him to court. As someone who has been in a similar situation, I will say - it will be the same after they finanlize the divorce. The only thing that will be different is that he will have a set amount he has to pay/custody will be relatively decided. He will still forever be tied to this woman. Because he has to pay her spousal support and child support, he will feel like an ATM for years to come. They will always be in communication because they will need to discuss the children - their problems, who is going to pay for their braces, changes to be agreed upon as requested to the custody schedule, etc... His children will always come first, and as such he will not be able to holiday with you because a) he will want to spend time with his children and b) he may not have the money to do separate holidays. He will deal with the divorce for years and yes, he may not want to have more children or even get married again. If these things are important to you, he is not your man. And no, your family may never approve... The time to accept this man and his situation was when you first started dating him. Like it or not, he comes with a TON of baggage. Wonderful baggage - I’m sure his children are lovely and they may bring joy into both of your lives if you stay together. But, it I should not without a LOT of sacrifice from you, and your partner. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 21, 2019 Share Posted April 21, 2019 He didnt fight hard enough as he thought he was doing something good for them since she was miserable... and now he deeply regrets it and wishes he fought more... This speaks volumes. There is a lot of grief to be dealt with when a marriage ends - anger, grief, and so many other emotions. He is at the start of this journey, not the end... as you may want to believe. Be careful here. You may well have been a pleasant diversion to help him to deal with the loneliness and the loss. It doesn’t mean that he is ready to move forward and build a future with you... he has a lot to work through, and he’s will be forever responsible for his children and to some extend, his former wife (as long as he is paying child support and/or his children are under legal age). Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 21, 2019 Share Posted April 21, 2019 Do you think i should give try to meet the kids first and base my decision then? they already know who i am.. but never met me in person... and they will be coming in next month. or no point meeting them as it seems like our goals dont align? Do NOT meet his children until and unless you know that you plan to make a commitment to each other and you will be in his life for the duration. To meet his children and base your decision then is an incredibly selfish and immature way to deal with this situation. To do that, knowing that you have serious doubts about the future of the relationship is not only pointless, but hurtful and unfair to his children. Gosh, this kind of decision making is about a wise as telling his wife to take his children and move to another state. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted April 21, 2019 Share Posted April 21, 2019 Sorry--I can't get past the title of the thread. Pick an available man. He's not available--he's got too much on his plate. Let him clean up his marital mess first before getting with him. As it stands you can only hope for the #5 position on his priority list after his kids and their mom--yes, their mom because they're all minor children--young ones, too. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 21, 2019 Share Posted April 21, 2019 (edited) He's not even helping with the kids, so he's going to pay the maximum when this is all settled, and my guess is he will move to Florida if he is any kind of man at all. He's also going to have to pay for half their college, which is a huge amount. Then he will be buying them cars, etc. This is a lifetime thing. It's called being a parent. P.S. She probably felt she had to move back to Florida where her folks are so she'd have some support for raising her kids, most likely because he was no help. Edited April 21, 2019 by preraph 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 21, 2019 Share Posted April 21, 2019 He's not even helping with the kids, so he's going to pay the maximum when this is all settled, and my guess is he will move to Florida if he is any kind of man at all. Or to just pay less child support because he'll get some actual custody.....and the cost of living is a lot lower..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Angelavictoria Posted April 22, 2019 Author Share Posted April 22, 2019 As someone who has been in a similar situation, I will say - it will be the same after they finanlize the divorce. The only thing that will be different is that he will have a set amount he has to pay/custody will be relatively decided. He will still forever be tied to this woman. Because he has to pay her spousal support and child support, he will feel like an ATM for years to come. They will always be in communication because they will need to discuss the children - their problems, who is going to pay for their braces, changes to be agreed upon as requested to the custody schedule, etc... His children will always come first, and as such he will not be able to holiday with you because a) he will want to spend time with his children and b) he may not have the money to do separate holidays. He will deal with the divorce for years and yes, he may not want to have more children or even get married again. If these things are important to you, he is not your man. And no, your family may never approve... The time to accept this man and his situation was when you first started dating him. Like it or not, he comes with a TON of baggage. Wonderful baggage - I’m sure his children are lovely and they may bring joy into both of your lives if you stay together. But, it I should not without a LOT of sacrifice from you, and your partner. Yes, you got all this on point, its exactly how I am feeling… he claims that’s why he is working so hard in business to become a millionaire that he can provide more for his family as well build his new life. And though even after the divorce, lets say he has to pay the set amount of $3000, there is always additional costs such as college, braces etc. like you said. And its like thinking of being around him even when the divorce happens is so messy, depressing… on my end… especially like you said. I feel pretty dumb and stupid for getting myself in this situation when they were all hard deal breakers from the getgo, but then I got caught up in my feelings… but im at a crossroads now… and its like is this the life I want? I want to travel freely.. and I am free spirited. How did your situation end up? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 (edited) My situation is a little different. He was divorced when we started dating. There is one child and he is a teen. So, we have put our life on hold for the last three years, we have kept our separate residences (they are five minutes apart), we have done a few smaller weekend trips while he has priorized some travel with his son while he is young enough to travel with his dad. But, we are on the cusp of things changing. We are about to buy some land and build our own home (his son will live with us full-time as he finishes high school and goes to college) and we are planning to travel more. We can see the end in sight - the end of the child support payments and the hassle of dealing with his ex who has LOTS of issues. The reason why this has worked is probably because we live so close together and we have been able to maintain our own homes. We have taken our time to bring it together because it was in the best interest of his child. And, I knew going in and was really willing to make the sacrifices required to support him to be a responsible parent (they share custody equally). And, he was clearly done with his marriage and has very firm boundaries with his ex. It’s not been easy though, for either of us... Edited April 22, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
SugarLips72 Posted April 23, 2019 Share Posted April 23, 2019 He most certainly has baggage. Do you want your own kids? He has huge financial obligations that aren’t going away anytime soon. My ex had 3 kids when we met. Major drama and baggage but I married him Anyways and we had 2 kids of our own. If I had to do it all over again I wouldn’t marry a guy with 3 kids. You have some decisions to make. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Angelavictoria Posted April 23, 2019 Author Share Posted April 23, 2019 He most certainly has baggage. Do you want your own kids? He has huge financial obligations that aren’t going away anytime soon. My ex had 3 kids when we met. Major drama and baggage but I married him Anyways and we had 2 kids of our own. If I had to do it all over again I wouldn’t marry a guy with 3 kids. You have some decisions to make. I am not really a kid person to be honest, so it makes it difficult.. Do i want kids of my own? maybe in the future...I feel like i jumped steps ahead, not having my own kids to the thought of being a mother to other ppls' kids... having your own kids is challegning enough... so he is your ex husband now? and you have 2 kids with him? did he sell you on a better life that you may want and thats why you decided to marry him thinking things would be better? May I ask, was it his baggage that broke u guys apart and became to overbearing? Thats what I am afraid of, I dont want to go down this road of marrying the wrong person... I guess nothing will get better, his kids will grow older and are able to fly back and forth... or potentially want to live in new york.. and Id have to just deal. His financial obligations are going away anytime soon.. his youngest is only 3.... and even though he claims he makes a lot of $, he also has to spend a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 I am not really a kid person to be honest, so it makes it difficult.. The writing is on the wall Angelavictoria. Not sure why it’s taken you a year of your life to realize this... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 This is a dude with three kids - one is 3 years old and he barely sees them! That 3 year old doesn’t even know who he is! And you don’t really like kids - well he has three of them! AND HE is obligated to them for his lifetime! Obligated before you - even if you married! He’s not being a responsible dad... maybe by money but not by spending his time with them! You don’t have the same goals and aspirations. End it to save yourself from more heartache. He’s playing house with you and avoiding the responsibility of spending time with his kids at a critical bonding time of their lives. That is NOT a great man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 He fathered three kids! He should be spending all of his energy spending time with them when he’s not working! Why doesn’t he move to where they are now? If he chooses making money over raising his kids - that’s not a dad! That’s not a man you should be at all interested in! Link to post Share on other sites
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