Always cancelling and not taking accountability *Updated*

[smackie9]

Already told you he is a poor excuse of a BF.....dump this chump. You know you can do so much better.

[kendahke]

Everytime my boyfriend goes out of town I always take care of his dog. This is the first time my whole family will be travelling so we needed someone to watch our dog. I didn’t even consider asking my boyfriend to watch her, we actually asked someone else.

 

He then asks me why I didn’t ask him. I replied “oh you would watch her?”. He then says “probably not lol”

 

Was he being sarcastic? I haven't read your past posts about this guy. If he was, then you're goign to have to tell him to tone it down for you because it's hurtful. If he wasn't, then he is indifferent to you and your esteem...

 

How can someone be so selfish and inconsiderate, considering I have cared for his dog like my own so many times? Been dating for 4+ years now

 

But you always volunteer to take care of his dog. It's not like it's an obligation you had to tend to like a duty--so that's on you. You could have said "no", too at any time.

 

I'm taking it that this selfish and inconsiderate routine isn't the first time it's been sprung on you---you've had 4 years of it unfolding. It's about time to give up thinking he's going to flip into being someone he has no intention on being for you.

 

and I really guess I don’t know how to let go.

It's better to learn this before you lose an emotional limb unnecessarily...

 

In th meantime, I refer you to my tag line below:

Edited April 20, 2019 by kendahke

[kendahke]

Was he being sarcastic? I haven't read your past posts about this guy.

 

 

My bad--I have. Here's what I said about him in your other thread:

 

 

(he)doesn't care how his actions makes you feel. As long as no consequences are applied to that behavior and you still stick around while he keeps doing this, then this is what he's going to keep doing. He doesn't fear the consequences of doing that.

Why are you volunteering for this treatment? Do you even like the person you've had to become over the course of the last 4 years in order to have this cretin in your life?

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I have an EX like that. Some folks are just takers.

 

The fact that you didn't even think of asking him shows that deep down you know he would have disappointed you.

 

Think long & hard about whether you want a life time of this? When I answered that Q for myself I finally had the courage to end a 10 year relationship.

 

Yep had one like that myself. I was long distance w/a guy and he constantly forgot to video call me when he said he would. Me being a dummy and desperate held on until he pushed me away. My bf ALWAYS fulfills his promises. If he says he will call, he calls. This is so much better then someone who is unreliable and uninterested.

[Gretchen12]

Viviannn I think he never got over the rough patch. It seems too late to fix it. It is already over for him but he still needs a dogsitter. When he cancels on you last minute, he is being passive aggressive. He wants to punish you. There is animosity when he said "probably not" about dog sitting. I think he hates you for something that happened in the past. I want to advise him to dump you, because he can do it.

[BaileyB]

How can someone be so selfish and inconsiderate.

 

The question you should be asking is not “How can he do this?”

 

But rather, “Why do I put up with this?”

[mortensorchid]

Sweetheart, dump him and move on. He doesn't care about your feelings and he only cares about himself. It doesn't matter what the plan was/was not, he does what he wants, when he wants. And he obviously doesn't include you in them. Someone who wants to be with you will give you the courtesy of showing up. A man who is crazy about you will move heaven and earth to be with you for just a few minutes. And he's not. Move on.

[preraph]

He doesn't care one whit about your needs. A man who cares about you as a person and not just a place to put his penis will help you out when he can.

[mortensorchid]

And I would also like to reference things from my past I can here. Years ago I went out with this guy a few times who I'd met online. We had maybe 3 dates together, he seemed to be an alright guy. And when we had our 4th date lined up, I waited for him to come pick me up. And waited some more. When about 45 minutes had gone by I called him and he answered. He said "I f***** up and I am out with another friend." He did not apologize for it, he just said he was out with someone else. I hung up. We never spoke a word again.

 

Do the same.

[Viviannn]

Viviannn I think he never got over the rough patch. It seems too late to fix it. It is already over for him but he still needs a dogsitter. When he cancels on you last minute, he is being passive aggressive. He wants to punish you. There is animosity when he said "probably not" about dog sitting. I think he hates you for something that happened in the past. I want to advise him to dump you, because he can do it.

 

Yes I would agree, but he has also been like this long before our rough patch, but it wasn't as bad. He did dump me but then came back several weeks later.

 

I don't feel the same since then either, but I think we are both having a difficult time letting each other go and complete no-contact. I have limited my conversations with him and never initiate contact - 100% of the time he contacts me first. When he does, I find it difficult to resist the urge to reply.

[Viviannn]

So he still bails on you. Which means he hears you and doesn't care how his actions makes you feel. As long as no consequences are applied to that behavior and you still stick around while he keeps doing this, then this is what he's going to keep doing. He doesn't fear the consequences of doing that.

 

When I bring things up he pretends he doesn't know what I am talking about or asks if I am PMS-ing again. That is why I feel so hesitant to confront him.

 

When he apologizes (if ever) its always a "I'm sorry you feel that way" type of apology as opposed to a "I'm sorry for my actions" apology. So I never really get over things he has done/said and it just builds up more resentment.

[stillafool]

You need to quiet your mind by leaving this guy alone.

[kendahke]

When I bring things up he pretends he doesn't know what I am talking about or asks if I am PMS-ing again. That is why I feel so hesitant to confront him.

 

That is called "gaslighting". Google it. It's an emotionally abusive tactic. He knows damb good and well what you're talking about--this is his way of controlling you so that it's exhaustive for you to have a serious conversation with him.

 

When he apologizes (if ever) its always a "I'm sorry you feel that way" type of apology as opposed to a "I'm sorry for my actions" apology. So I never really get over things he has done/said and it just builds up more resentment.

 

Then leave him. I'm not getting why you don't end this and leave him alone. To stay with him means what he's doing really isn't all that bad.

 

I refer you to my tag line below--please read it and take some time to think and reflect on it:

 

________

| | | |

V V V V

Edited April 22, 2019 by kendahke

[BaileyB]

When I bring things up he pretends he doesn't know what I am talking about or asks if I am PMS-ing again. That is why I feel so hesitant to confront him.

 

When he apologizes (if ever) its always a "I'm sorry you feel that way" type of apology as opposed to a "I'm sorry for my actions" apology. So I never really get over things he has done/said and it just builds up more resentment.

 

Nothing is more dismissive than a man telling a woman that she is upset about something because she is PMS-ing again.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I am well aware that PMS can cause difficult mood swings. But, when a man says this to a woman... especially as an attempt to dismiss her concerns... argh!

 

Viviannn, what does this guy have to do for you to make the decision to end this relationship?

Edited April 22, 2019 by BaileyB

[dispatch3d]

Although asking if she is pms'ing is the reason she is angry is both rude and an overall terrible idea, I don't see how it is gas lighting in the slightest.

 

This is coming from someone who was constantly getting gaslit at one point in my life.

 

Gaslighting is more if he tried to make the problem worse rather than help her, in my opinion at least. Trying to figure out why she's mad isn't doing that.

[Inspire]

Sorry, but this guy sounds like a total a-hole! As one other poster said, he is a taker, so completely selfish. Is that what you want in a partner? I'd assume not. His apologies are not sincere, they're a maneuver to get you off his back.

[BaileyB]

Although asking if she is pms'ing is the reason she is angry is both rude and an overall terrible idea, I don't see how it is gas lighting in the slightest.

 

This is coming from someone who was constantly getting gaslit at one point in my life.

 

Gaslighting is more if he tried to make the problem worse rather than help her, in my opinion at least. Trying to figure out why she's mad isn't doing that.

 

This isn’t a constructive effort to figure out why she is mad. He is dismissing her concerns and her feelings by telling her - “you are pmsing” which is code for - you are emotional and irrational right now, let’s not discuss this now while you are hormonal.. And that, is gaslighting.

 

Gaslighting (definition) - to manipulate someone using psychological means by making them question their own sanity.

[elaine567]

When I bring things up he pretends he doesn't know what I am talking about or asks if I am PMS-ing again. That is why I feel so hesitant to confront him.

...and that is exactly why he does it.

 

When he apologizes (if ever) its always a "I'm sorry you feel that way" type of apology as opposed to a "I'm sorry for my actions" apology. So I never really get over things he has done/said and it just builds up more resentment.

 

You can't win that one, he blames you and that leaves you feeling unheard, upset, frustrated and increasingly angry. You cannot control him, you cannot make him into a better man with love or caring or niceness. He will do what he wants regardless.

You have two options.

a) You put up and shut up, getting increasingly bitter at the unfairness of it all.

b)You get out of the relationship and never look back.

[kendahke]

Gaslighting is more if he tried to make the problem worse rather than help her,

 

When I bring things up he pretends he doesn't know what I am talking about or asks if I am PMS-ing again. That is why I feel so hesitant to confront him.

 

I do believe that this meets your definition.

 

It's gaslighting. Go ask a therapist. Perhaps not the most severe example, but it's bad enough when it happens.

Edited April 24, 2019 by kendahke

[Redhead14]

Gaslighting is a tool of mental and emotional manipulation. The effect is that the "victims" question themselves and their own thinking and/or the user of the tactic turns the blame for a situation onto the partner causing them to either drop the issue out of frustration and confusion or accept the situation.

 

 

He's using that successfully if you are afraid to further confront or address issues with him. Bottom line though, is it isn't worth addressing. Just block and delete him forever. If you are feeling helpless in the situation, take the control back for yourself and extricate yourself from it once and for all.

[preraph]

My God, don't stay with someone like this. He deserves to be dumped. He's an intentional jerk. Stop wasting your time and emotions on him. Just walk out. He doesn't apologize to you and you don't owe him any explanation. He knows what he's doing.

[S2B]

Get rid of him now!

 

He is unhealthy and toxic!