Would You Want to Know?

[littleblackheart]

But that isn't true.

 

There are plenty of people I 'know quite well' socially. I don't actually know them well enough to invite myself into their personal lives.

[FMW]

When I was the BS I would NOT have welcomed the OW telling me. In my case, and in most I believe, the BS already knows something is up. I doubt his wife/soon to be xwife is clueless about the history with this particular woman even, especially if you all live in a small town.

 

I was also the OW and got dumped for another OW. But I can't relate at all to your desire to tell the wife, it never crossed my mind for a second.

 

For your own well-being you need to stop allowing any of them space in your head, they have no happy or healthy place in your life. Revenge only feeds your obsession.

 

Focus on yourself and your own husband.

Edited April 12, 2019 by Finding my way

[elaine567]

...And yet nowhere in what you have posted have you mentioned any of the damage this has done and will do to him. You are more upset over not being the mistress picked by the cheater you were cheating with.

But that is not unusual, that is how it usually works.

The MW checks out of her marriage and sets her sights on the MM. Her loyalty transfers to the MM and she would leave her marriage in an instant if he were willing to take her on.

The husband is just some poor substitute for the "real thing" which is the MM...

[mark clemson]

Perhaps I'm simply stating the obvious, but since this thing has taken on a life of it's own it seems like you should be prepared for worst case scenarios regardless of which actions you take or don't take, NaDGB.

[Orokotikki]

If you care for those betrayed, gift them the truth. As someone who was so betrayed I implore you, and care not for whatever your motivation or reason may be.

[Turning point]

In the end, your reasons for telling him don't change or influence how the BH uses that information to his own benefit.

 

I agree that the value of the information stands alone, especially with respect to health and welfare.

 

In divorce however, when the source of the information so taints it's credibility there is a high risk that all of the benefit you cite is discarded. When the BH receives information from someone he trusts he naturally acts on it promptly. Alternatively, coming form the OP amidst the backdrop of all this rumor and drama - it's more likely to produce uncertainty, hesitation, and delay at a time where decisiveness matters.

 

We don't always immediately act on what we know. I tend to trust that the BH already knows either by his own intuition or from more noble people with an interest in his welfare. Likewise, I think the OP's own husband probably came to his own conclusions about her emotional unavailability during the EA (which is clearly ongoing given her desire for revenge.)

 

Also, an ex-spouse whose affair has been discovered tends to be more hostile in divorce than one who believes they are still behind a curtain of virtue. If I were the BH and had been informed - I would not let on that I know the truth unless and until it became relevant and necessary to a specific claim in the divorce. Just as the OP is now hostile in the wake of the EA ending, the ex-wife may also change her tone in the divorce when she loses control of her own narrative.

Edited April 13, 2019 by Turning point

[Mr. Lucky]

...so you are a little jealous because you didn't get the "guy" in the end

 

It's amazing the regularity with which people like the OP sublimate their real issues into something else.

 

But again, that may be my anger and jealousy at OM talking.

 

Rather than face the ongoing disconnect in her marriage, she proposes involvement in someone else's. Classic misdirection...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sumfun]

He'll find out soon enough. Distance yourself from this relationwship.. You'll be glad you did. Don't get sucked in!

[aliveagain]

Do you plan on going back to a normal life, you, your husband and your children now that your affair partner has made his choice? How do you plan on doing that when you have a life altering secret hanging over your head? My suggestion is to deal with that by telling your husband yourself rather then having him finding out on his own. Your marriage has a much higher chance of surviving this if the exposure comes from you.

 

You don't need to hear this advice from some guy living in Alberta, Canada. I think you already know what you have to do, being scared to do what is right is normal. Seeing the people you love in pain is hard to do specially when your the cause of the pain. People will tell you to keep the secret and take it to the grave, that's a lot harder to do then most people think specially if you've been a person people trust for most of your life. Do the right thing, you know the weight your carrying, there is only one way to fix this the right way. There is only one right way to go back to a normal life.