Living separately, encouragement appreciated.

[Marc878]

IMO you are naive.

 

Words never mean squat. It's always the actions that define and count.

 

Nothing correlates here.

[Blanco]

The major goal of living separately was to have more fun with each other again. We planned on going on more dates and getting together and doing fun things together, and letting things happen naturally just like when we first fell in love. Living apart would act on the limited availability and would hopefully add to re-igniting the spark. We did a lot of things "wrong" when we first got together, so we wanted to rebuild on a better foundation. So far the first month that hasn't happened, but it's been more arguing, planning & communicating what one needs from the other during this time. We thought we planned it out before I left, but emotions come up when we actually go through with it.

 

This honestly says more about the state of your marriage than anything else. If she were truly interested in preserving the marriage, she would observe that the separation has not yielded the results she claims were the reason for the separation in the first place. She would then say, "Hey, this isn't working how I thought it would, so you should come back home and we can try to figure this out another way." Instead, it sounds like she's continued on with this plan that has you sitting exiled from your own home with no end in sight.

 

Again, I say that if you want to really see her true intent, tell her that this separation isn't working out the way you two planned and that you want to come back home and try to figure it out another way. Based on what you've told us, I can almost guarantee she's going to balk at that idea.

 

My opinion? I think she got you out of the house so she could have a bit of a test run living on her own in preparation to exit the marriage.

[bathtub-row]

Sounds like the long goodbye, to me. Most women in their 20’s don’t lose interest in sex. Something else is going on. You think you know her but you don’t. The person you knew was the young girl in her early 20’s and now you’re dealing with a slightly more grown up version of someone who has basically screwed up her life, thinks she missed out on things, and has coffee shop workers whispering in her ear.

 

While I’m sure she feels a great deal of attachment toward you because of your history together, the two of you have grown apart. You got together too young and made serious sacrifices during that time. I agree with everyone else, this relationship has very little chance of survival. I know you want to hear something different but you came here for answers, not lies.

[Blanco]

Hello again and thank you all for your replies. I appreciate everyone's input and perspective, and I do my best to read all of your comments with an open mind.

 

It's hard to fill in all the details of our relationship over a forum, but she shows me through her actions that she is trying to get our relationship to work again. So far, If i ever need to talk to her, she is available no questions asked. If i ever want to see her, she drops what she's doing to get together with me, no complaints, whether she feels like it will be a positive or negative experience. We've talked about our relationship a lot, maybe too much, and I know were both getting sick of it but we still do if either one of us is struggling.

 

I mean that's nice, but doesn't mean she's invested in the marriage. Most of my exes who ended things were good women who were willing to meet up with me and talk about things after the relationship. Unfortunately, this tended to give me false hope that they still cared enough that perhaps they would reconsider things. What was really going on was they still cared about me as a person, knew I was hurting, and were willing to talk, even if they were done with the relationship. Your wife probably has some similar guilt, but that doesn't mean she's interested in saving the marriage.

 

I have had more problems with this situation obviously, who wouldn't right? I didn't want to move out initially, but it got to the point where the lack of intimacy started to seep into other areas of our relationship, and I started to feel resentful towards her. She could tell I was getting frustrated with her. I would ask her how hard is it to hold my hand, or kiss me once in awhile? She used to do it all the time. She tried initiating sex with me a few times before I moved out, as she didn't want me to leave and wanted these problems to go away, but she was dry and I could tell she wasn't into it. She was trying to fix things but that just made things more uncomfortable and me feel more rejected. She would then get defensive and feel like she would be on egg shells around me. Then we just started arguing all the time, and it became exhausting.

 

Moving out was a last resort for us, as we couldn't fix our problems still living together. With the rate of our arguments, we felt like we were letting this problem destroy everything that was good about our relationship.

 

I just don't see how moving out was supposed to help these issues. Why not try counselling together and actually address the problem?

 

She feels the lack of intimacy is from her losing her individuality in our relationship. I am the "successful" partner, and she had no friends, no job, little family, and an unfinished education. She didn't feel so much like we were two individuals in a relationship, but that she was an extension of me and that's it. I tell her we are a team and they aren't just my accomplishments, as she has given me a great deal of love and emotional + practical support for my career, but she told me she needs to feel that she can be her own person with her own identity. When she first started working at the coffee shop, when people would ask about her life she would talk about me a lot, but when people asked about her, she didn't really know what to say.

 

Well, that's her fault. College is not for everyone, but if she didn't have a solid idea of what she was going to do after dropping out, then it was foolish of her to leave school. What the heck did she expect to find out there aside from menial jobs if she didn't have a real plan of attack after dropping out?

 

As for the other stuff, that's sort of the risk of settling down too early. It's not necessarily anything you did, but it's not uncommon for people who settle down young to eventually wonder if they've missed out. In your case, it seems like your wife probably doesn't have much of her individual identity. What does she do with her time? She sounds like she's aimless. I've known people like that who didn't really seem to have many hobbies, few close friends; they almost looked to finding someone to marry as a means to give them purpose. Maybe that's the case here and your wife has come to realize that letting a relationship define who you are isn't a good idea.

 

Boundaries and respect for me were brought up. She tells me she respects no one more than me. As for actions to back that up, never blowing me off, not asking for any money thus far, and coming to our relationship decisions mutually could be related to that. In this situation I struggle with that line myself. Some days I feel like a cuck, other days I feel like I'm a strong husband that is willing to do what most people won't to save his marriage. Some days I feel happy, other days I feel like my life is spiraling out of control. I'm trying my best to be patient with her and myself, and to think positively.

 

She doesn't respect you at the moment. If she did, she would try to be working on this relationship, especially after seeing the separation isn't working as she said she intended to. She's got you sitting in a freaking bedroom indefinitely while she goes out and has a life. That's not respect.

 

I am trying to distance myself from our relationship, as if I am over analyzing it everyday I'm just going to stress myself out. So far when I've gotten too stressed, I have gone to her for emotional support. She has been good with it, but at this point, she only gets to see me at my weakest, so I need a place to vent and a third party that isn't personally involved with us so that she can see more of the positive side of me.

 

That's good of you to want to be strong in her eyes, but this current arrangement can only go on so long. Otherwise, you're compromising on what you want and need from all of this. And she knows that. And then, it won't matter how strong you want to appear to her, because she'll know that you're willing to take your lumps and live in exile, foregoing your own needs, all for the sake of preserving a marriage she sounds minimally invested in.

[Mr. Lucky]

working in a coffee shop is a high stress job?

 

Understand what you're saying, she's not working as an air traffic controller.

 

But yes, high-volume food operations can be stressful in the need to coordinate many activities and handle large numbers of people at once. And when it comes to coffee, people get crazy if things don't go smoothly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[donovant91]

OP, it's hard to gauge from the information that you are providing, whether you are in denial, or just projecting your own feelings to soften your wife's behavior. I mean you no disrespect by saying that.

 

I completely agree with that. It's hard for me to gauge that too to be honest. Am I in denial about what seems obvious, and am just buying whatever BS she sends my way? I bet a lot of people are going to quote that one. She's told me she understands it looks really really bad, and that she's not making this any easier on me. She told her family about me not living there and her coworker that is, and she's getting a lot of backlash for it of course.

 

I've never really known or read about anyone in a position like mine, but of course the situation doesn't matter as much as the people involved in that situation.

 

We talked before I left that if she's interested in someone else, or if she feels the need to cheat on me, or is cheating on me, save both of our time and effort, just be honest and tell me and she can be with them instead. She told me she was not, and if she felt like it wasn't working with us and she was interested in someone else she would tell me. She asked me the same respect.

 

Most likely one that would end up in this situation would be in denial about some aspect, and it's very possible in some of my explanation to everyone I am giving her too much or too little credit.

 

A lot of you have mentioned that if you were in my position, you would move back into the house tonight, and begin filing for a divorce. Or, I should try to someway get information on what she's doing to confirm she's not cheating. Both of those actions are automatically destroying the relationship, as it shows I don't trust her. Trust is probably the most important component in this situation, and if I didn't trust her I would not have agreed to this in the first place, we would have just broken up. Moving back in the house would be temporary anyway, as breaking up means we are selling it.

 

If I don't trust her, there is absolutely no hope of this working. Of course if she doesn't trust me it leads to the same result, but my situation is easier to trust. She has shared a lot of information with me that probably wasn't easy to share, knowing I wouldn't react well to it (her drinking, the wild get together). Of course, this may not mean much as she can always be withholding information or lying to me.

 

We have a prenup which she actually insisted, as the court systems aren't fair to men and shes far from a feminist. We have a signed document (not an official legal document) that we both wanted to do that if we split we sell the house and split the money. It doesn't matter to me if she takes everything in the house, as all my possessions of value are with me here.

 

I guess my conclusion is all I have to lose that is of importance to me is her, which in a way, I already have. Because of that I am not in fear of getting hurt, as in a way I am already dealing with that. If she is being honest with me, going through this process with her has the opportunity to make our relationship stronger and happier for both of us. Even if she is honest and not cheating or anything, there may be a chance we still don't work out as maybe we have just become too different and want different things.

 

If she is cheating and I find out sooner, of course it's over. Probably the worst fate would be if she was cheating, hiding it while our relationship was developing again, and then if we ended up back together and I found out about it later. That one would hurt the most, as that would be pretty sinister behavior, but I guess that's a risk I have to take.

 

Ultimately, the odds on paper are low for this to work out, I understand that. I know if we break up in the end I am going to be ok. The first few months will be rough, but I will eventually bounce back. I think the hardest part is just having faith and trusting her, and not knowing definitively what the end result will be.

 

I guess if hypothetically she posted a thread from her perspective, what would your advice to her be? What would you say about her? What would you say about me?

 

Thank you again for your support, You guys are giving me your honest thoughts and things to consider. At the very least, I feel a great sense of relief just being able to talk about this.

[El Duendecillo]

A lot of you have mentioned that if you were in my position, you would move back into the house tonight, and begin filing for a divorce. Or, I should try to someway get information on what she's doing to confirm she's not cheating. Both of those actions are automatically destroying the relationship, as it shows I don't trust her. Trust is probably the most important component in this situation, and if I didn't trust her I would not have agreed to this in the first place, we would have just broken up. Moving back in the house would be temporary anyway, as breaking up means we are selling it.

 

No my friend. You wanting to move back into your own home is NOT showing that you have a trust issue, but rather that she is not living up to the agreement to work on saving her marriage. It is HER actions that are automatically destroying this marriage, by withholding intimacy and affection, and wanting you to live apart while she explores herself.

 

Since she has failed to put forth the agreed upon effort, you need to move home immediately.

 

 

If I don't trust her, there is absolutely no hope of this working. Of course if she doesn't trust me it leads to the same result, but my situation is easier to trust. She has shared a lot of information with me that probably wasn't easy to share, knowing I wouldn't react well to it (her drinking, the wild get together). Of course, this may not mean much as she can always be withholding information or lying to me.

 

Again, IMO she is behaving just like a typical cheater. She will do anything, and feed you whatever BS is necessary to keep you waiting around as her backup plan.

 

 

We have a prenup which she actually insisted, as the court systems aren't fair to men and shes far from a feminist. We have a signed document (not an official legal document) that we both wanted to do that if we split we sell the house and split the money. It doesn't matter to me if she takes everything in the house, as all my possessions of value are with me here.

 

You may want to consider converting this prenup into an official legal document, if that is still possible at this point. As it exist now, a crappy attorney could probably have it invalidated in a court of law, in it's current form. Not saying she's not entitled to a fair portion of your marital assests should you split, but you could find yourself paying alimony for years.

 

I guess my conclusion is all I have to lose that is of importance to me is her, which in a way, I already have. Because of that I am not in fear of getting hurt, as in a way I am already dealing with that. If she is being honest with me, going through this process with her has the opportunity to make our relationship stronger and happier for both of us. Even if she is honest and not cheating or anything, there may be a chance we still don't work out as maybe we have just become too different and want different things.

 

If she is cheating and I find out sooner, of course it's over. Probably the worst fate would be if she was cheating, hiding it while our relationship was developing again, and then if we ended up back together and I found out about it later. That one would hurt the most, as that would be pretty sinister behavior, but I guess that's a risk I have to take.

 

Having you move out, then moving a roommate in, is not going to make her relationship stronger and happier. She knows this, and from what you have told us, she's not even trying. This is why I will keep telling you to start doing some digging, because the sooner you learn the full truth, the sooner you can get out of this limbo you are presently in.

 

Another member referred to her actions as a long goodbye, and that does appear to be a possibility.

 

Ultimately, the odds on paper are low for this to work out, I understand that. I know if we break up in the end I am going to be ok. The first few months will be rough, but I will eventually bounce back. I think the hardest part is just having faith and trusting her, and not knowing definitively what the end result will be.

 

She has destroyed all of the trust in your marriage, so you are justified in feeling this way.

 

The question you need to ask yourself is, how long are you willing to be kept in limbo?

 

Sorry that you are having deal with this nightmare man.

[bathtub-row]

Your rationale regarding trust makes no sense at all. Trusting or not trusting doesn’t change the other person’s behavior. There have been plenty of spouses who trusted that their spouse would never cheat, and they were dead wrong. To me, it’s irrelevant if you speculate whether she’s cheating or not - although she probably is - what’s relevant is that she doesn’t want to make love to you and doesn’t want to be in the marriage. That alone speaks volumes.

Edited April 12, 2019 by bathtub-row

[d0nnivain]

Can you afford marriage counseling? Get some.

 

She needs to be motivated to find herself but within the confines of your marriage. Lots of married people complete their educations. She's blaming you for bad decisions she made about her own life.

[usa1ah]

You can say it how ever you want to. Your wife kicked you out on the promise to start dating again and has failed to do so. Send her back to her parents and sell the home. Then file for divorce and end this shame of a marriage where you are the only one trying.

[Mr. Lucky]

We talked before I left that if she's interested in someone else, or if she feels the need to cheat on me, or is cheating on me, save both of our time and effort, just be honest and tell me and she can be with them instead.

 

In the interest of keeping their options open, you'd be amazed at how many separated spouses don't live up to this bargain.

 

In some ways, doesn't her obvious decision she's not interested in you have the same effect as being interested in someone else? Isn't "not you" enough?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sumfun]

Break up with this person.. You will be glad you did a year from now1

[donovant91]

Hello again everyone, thank you for your responses.

 

I am actually a bit taken aback by some of your responses. I was hoping to receive some support and encouragement in a challenging time in my life. I understand everyone is just trying to help. Some responses have given me things to think about, others I take as a bit rude and unnecessary. It seems the majority is not really supportive in my wife and I working this out, but more me breaking up with her before she breaks up with me.

 

I believe every marriage has its ups and downs. I take my vows seriously, in sickness & health, better or worse. This is definitely more the worse period, but I guess it takes two to get to this point. Just because things don't look great right now doesn't mean I am going to give up. I believe solid happy marriages are earned. I can see my flaws and how I contributed to her and I getting here, I could've and should have been a better husband.

 

My perception of being a husband and a man has completely changed. My role is to be the leader in our relationship, but also selflessly sacrifice for my wife. If one of us is to suffer more, it should be me. Loving my wife is not a feeling but a command, a choice. Marriage is a covenant to your partner and to God. If she not being a good wife to me at the time, it doesn't mean I give up on her or stop being a good husband in return, because I also made an oath to God.

 

All I have power over at this point is working on my flaws and improving myself. I have joined a boxing gym and started boxing 3x a week which was something I always wanted to try but too afraid to start. I haven't had any processed foods for a few weeks now. I am doing great at work, and I am spending more time talking with and hanging out with people I lost touch with. Most importantly to me as more of a new Christian, I have developed a closer relationship with God, and I am starting to understand what that means. I am trying to focus on serving other people rather than just serving myself.

 

I don't think I would be able to learn all of this if we were still living together. I think after awhile we kind of put each other in a box of who we expected each other to be, and neither of us were encouraging the other grow and expand into better people.

 

I hope we stay together, that is my goal of course. We have been talking more this week and having a lot of honest productive conversations, and she says it's really helping her. Part of that was the choice to removed my resentment and anger towards her and have replaced it with love. She is still a bit resentful towards me on how I contributed to our relationship stunting both of us, but I told her I can't show her change if she doesn't let me. We are going out on our first real date since I moved out this Tuesday.

 

If it turns out she has been cheating on me all along, that's ok. I don't think she is, but if she has been unfaithful it shows me I will be better off without her, and that she broke the pact with myself and God. In the end, I would be able to look at myself and say that I still did my part in preserving our marriage and honoring God, and take all of the growth and lessons I have learned and have it benefit my next relationship. Everything happens for a reason, but I still pray for my wife and I's relationship to heal and become something better than it was before.

 

Thank you for reading, and I will continue to update you all with what happens.

[Mr. Lucky]

Everything happens for a reason, but I still pray for my wife and I's relationship to heal and become something better than it was before.

 

Thank you for reading, and I will continue to update you all with what happens.

 

You've touched on the nature of the advice you've received, it's suggestions given from the context of our own experiences. The great thing about a site like this is the ability to pick and choose that which is of value to you.

 

I understand how important faith is to you. But like those religions that refuse transfusions or other forms of treatment, there's a danger in removing the human element. You should continue to hold your wife responsible for both her part in the disconnect and the effort needed to get back on track.

 

The Lord helps those that help themselves...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bathtub-row]

We all get it that you want your marriage to last. However, you appear to be laboring under the delusion that most people who are divorced didn’t take their vows seriously or didn’t really want their marriages to work out. I hope you get that idea out of your head because it could be construed as arrogant and judgmental. Most people are devastated when their marriage fails, even if they’re the one to leave.

 

The thing is, few people will advise you to close your eyes to the obvious. You simply can’t see the forest for the trees. Time will most likely give you the answers you seek...or don’t seek.

[snowcones]

Sounds like she's put you in limbo and for now you're content on keeping yourself there.

 

 

This. Dude, let her go and move on with your life.

[Blanco]

OP, you may take your vows seriously, but that doesn't matter a whole lot if your other half doesn't. And it doesn't sound like she is.

 

Right now, she's feeling discontent with her life choices and now she has you falling on the sword because of it, even though it sounds like you've been supportive of her and those decisions.

 

It's admirable you want to work this out and are willing to do what you can to see that happen. Problem is, I think this further sacrifice of your own happiness isn't going to have the desired effect. She already knows you're supportive of her and want to do what you can to make her happy. And she still has you living outside of your own home.

[Blanco]

I hope we stay together, that is my goal of course. We have been talking more this week and having a lot of honest productive conversations, and she says it's really helping her. Part of that was the choice to removed my resentment and anger towards her and have replaced it with love. She is still a bit resentful towards me on how I contributed to our relationship stunting both of us, but I told her I can't show her change if she doesn't let me. We are going out on our first real date since I moved out this Tuesday.

 

Unless I missed something, it sounds like her being a college dropout who had no social live or hobbies outside of the relationship were either direct or indirect decisions she made. I don't see how she's right for feeling resentment toward you about that unless you left something out. As it is, it sounds like she's passing the buck to you over choices she made, which isn't fair to you.

[loversquarrel]

A couple of things OP, first Mr. Lucky stole my thunder, God helps those who help themselves is something more people should live by.

 

Second, I know you think some people are being rude by conveying their opinions on the matter in a way that seems harsh. I'm going to tell you how it is with most here...they've been through it. They have no vested interest in whether or not you fail, none of us has a dog in this fight, so what you hear and do not like is based more on your hope of wanting to hear nothing but good things. When people give you opinions based on their own life experience in the hopes of helping you they are not doing so to be rude.

 

Third, I see you are a religious man. In reading your last post it made me think of the parable, the prodigal son. It seems to me you are like the father who is awaiting his son's return rather than the husband who should be taking back control of his marriage. Maybe that is why your wife resents you so much? Maybe you treat her more like a child than an equal?

 

Fourth, you say that neither of you wants a divorce. Well most of us objective observers can see this train wreck coming from a mile away, because guess what separation leads to way more often than not? You don't have kids with this woman OP, so really there are no ties that bind.

[Orokotikki]

So sorry for you bud.

Your situation does not seem unusual at all, but your willful ignorance is, and you have my sympathy.

In situations this dire you need to be willing to lose the marriage to have even a shot at saving it.

And yes, this is 100% an affair, I'll set my watch and warrant on it.

I'll try to remember you in my prayers as my words are not likely to reach you.

So sorry you are here. These people are trying to be supportive.

Not everything is solved with talking and understanding, I hope you find your anger and indignation to stand up for what is right.

[notbroken]

First off, I am sorry for what you are going through and DO wish you the best. We could all 'blow smoke' and tell you things are going to be wonderful, but that won't make them true.

 

Wishing for the best, lies, or even religion/vows won't change the facts. You are not living with your wife. She doesn't want to. She has effectively divorced you already - just not legally. As hard as it is, complete that part of the process so you can both move on. You would be doing both of you a difficult but large favor. Wallowing in it is not good for either of you - physically, mentally, or financially.

 

If you both moved back in together would you be able to forgive this and go forward? Do you really see your 'wife' ever doing that? What could change to make that happen?

 

We don't say those things to be 'rude' or mean to you. We have been there and done that and know the longer you delay the inevitable the more pain you will suffer. Continue at your own peril.

[michzz]

I am actually a bit taken aback by some of your responses. I was hoping to receive some support and encouragement in a challenging time in my life. I understand everyone is just trying to help. Some responses have given me things to think about, others I take as a bit rude and unnecessary. It seems the majority is not really supportive in my wife and I working this out, but more me breaking up with her before she breaks up with me.

 

I believe every marriage has its ups and downs. I take my vows seriously, in sickness & health, better or worse. This is definitely more the worse period, but I guess it takes two to get to this point. Just because things don't look great right now doesn't mean I am going to give up. I believe solid happy marriages are earned. I can see my flaws and how I contributed to her and I getting here, I could've and should have been a better husband.

 

 

You ARE getting the exact kind of support that we, the unwashed, but concerned can give to you.

 

Open your eyes man. Accept that you have a disloyal wife who moved a man into your house.

 

Consult with a lawyer and reclaim your rights and your house. Kick the guy out.

 

You are being walked on and disrespected.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Donovan, I guess you have been given a lot of good advice so I will refrain from that. I only have some questions for you which, if you would like to answer would help clarify things regarding your situation. Firstly, I would like to ask you if you and your wife set a time line on this separation or did you leave it open ended? Secondly, did you and your wife have an in depth discussion as to what were your goals or what were your wife's goals in going in for this separation? What were both of you or what specifically was she looking to achieve by going in for this separation? Thirdly, if primarily it was your wife asking for a separation then why did you have to move out of your house which I presume you are funding since her salary would be inadequate to pay a part mortgage and support hersrlf? Why did she not move out to her parents home while she figured things out for herself? Why have you been so accommodative to her requirements when you are the one footing the bill? Now that you have been separated for a month has your wife given you any kind of a progress report on what is happening as far as her side of the relationship with you is concerned and whether she has come to some kind of an understanding about whether she still has any feelings for you or is she giving you the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' line so common of people who are cheating or on the verge of cheating.

 

You need to answer these questions honestly, if not on this forum then at least for yourself in the privacy of your room. It is time for you to introspect and search for answers to your situation from your own perspective and making full use of your own intuition or gut feel. It could spare you a lot of heart ache and heart break! Best wishes.

Edited April 29, 2019 by Just a Guy

[donovant91]

Hello all,

 

Sorry I did not reply right away as I said I would, a lot had happened between her and I last week and today. I read your replies (cautiously at first) and I am relieved as I really feel your caring and support. This is a hard time for me, and it's hard trying to navigate this alone.

 

It was difficult to come to the inevitable decision, I know it has been right in front of me but with my beliefs I did not want to fail God. Emotionally I had to see it through and get there, but I have reached my breaking point with this relationship.

 

To sum it up, I saw her on Tuesday at the house. She was just exiting the bedroom and closed the door when I came in, she said it just became habit with the other guy as he inhabits more the living area and she stays more in the bedroom. We were talking about our relationship on the couch, and I told her that I think her roommate should move out as he's interfering with us fixing our relationship, and our place stinks of cigarettes. She started to become nearly impossible to reason with, yelling swearing and not really listening what I had to say and overly defensive.

 

I never yelled at her and I don't swear, I didn't call her names or stoop to her level. I was trying to diffuse the situation so we could keep talking and it took a great deal of will power. She decided she needed a break for a few minutes to try to calm down. While she was outside, I decided to go into our bedroom.

 

The guys clothes were in my dresser, and his toiletries were in through out the master bathroom, which was used as my bathroom when I lived there. We told her before I moved out he is not allowed in or to use my bathroom. She promised. No new stuff in my nightstand or headboard above the bed.

 

I brought it up with her when she got back in, simply saying I had to go to the bathroom while she was out and out of habit went to my bathroom. She told me his clothes are there because there isn't anywhere else to store them, and she didn't want to have to move all of her things from her bathroom into the master bath so she just let him use it. I told her it doesn't really make sense if he sleeps on the couch to have to go through the bedroom to use the washroom or shower, and then take clothes from the bedroom to change.

 

I once again told her that she should ask him to leave, that it's greatly affecting our relationship and how I feel about her. I told her this situation is already hard enough, but this makes things way more complicated for me to deal with, and that I basically have to live a lie with my friends and family to protect her. She told me that this is really hard for her too, and that I can't minimize how shes feeling and just play the victim and make it all about me.

 

I said to her that I am the one that agreed to leave my own home to try to better our relationship, as I trusted her and love her. I asked her can she imagine if the roles were reversed, if she were to leave her life and live somewhere else and deal with everything by herself? She told me that she is not as strong emotionally as I am. I then asked her if you are asking of me something you wouldn't be able to handle, and you know your co worker living here is making it even harder for me, why are you so reluctant to make it easier for your husband, who is only trying to save our relationship? She never answered the question, she instead started to get upset saying that we have problems and they aren't just going to go away on their own. She once again shut down and talking to her was no use. We ran out of time because her coworker was getting off and I didn't want to see or talk to him, i just wanted to go back to my place.

 

That visit really woke me up, between the broken trust and her inability to answer a very important question. She called me the next day to apologize, one quick sorry, as she was apparently recording our argument on her phone and couldn't finish listening to it because her behavior was so poor and she was ashamed. We talked for awhile but when our conversation was done I didn't feel good about it.

 

Last night we talked again, and I brought up her coworker living there greatly affecting our relationship. I told her that our relationship is at stake, and she knows it hurts me a lot. I told her that she can give him over a month notice. He doesn't even have to pay rent to us, because I know he's not very well off and that way he can save his income for rent or a damage deposit for a new place, but I need her to live alone so that we can really work on things and to help my emotional well being, because I am really struggling with this. She got really upset again and said that she can't talk about it, she's going to blow up, he's not leaving. She mentioned some other things in that conversation not so much about her coworker, but things that I didn't agree with that really showed me she has changed for the worst.

 

I felt pretty sad last night and prayed a lot for clarity and an answer. I had a dream that her and I were in a rowboat in the middle of the ocean. She dropped something valuable in the water and I agreed to get it for her. She tied a heavy weight like a miniature anchor to my ankle and said it would help me reach the bottom. I was scared but I trusted her and agreed. I jumped in the water and quickly started to sink. I started to lose sight of the surface and couldn't see the bottom. I tried removing the anchor but she tied a knot I couldn't undo. I tried to swim up towards the surface but the weight kept pulling me down. I panicked and was hoping that she would jump in and save me but she never did. I woke up this morning from that dream knowing what I had to do next.

 

Today I texted her "I am not going to continue to pay for the house as long as your coworker continues to live there. I am going to support something I don't agree with, so why am I paying when I get no say in who lives in my own home? If you are really going to be that selfish, knowing how it affects me, the person you said you love and care about more then anyone else in the world last night, then you and him can figure it out". She just replied "ok sure," and started asking about details as to how to transfer the automatic payments from my accounts to hers. She was robotic and unapologetic. I told her part of our mortgage is withdrawn on the 1st and how much she owes me, she said she would transfer it to me when she could.

 

I phoned her and calmly told her that I can't keep our marriage going by myself, and that I need to be with someone that cares about my feelings too. I told her I was done and that I'm filing for divorce, and I cancelled our next get together we planned this weekend. She didn't say anything and just hung up. That was hours ago now. She has transferred me the money but otherwise she hasn't spoken to me since.

 

I'm feeling pretty numb about the whole thing, in a way it is a bit of a relief. I deserve better much better then that. I feel taken advantage but I know I did the right thing. I can't believe the person that I love and cherish the most did not even react. Instead she put me through torture and strung me along for her own selfish reasons. Of course I am going to trust what my wife tells me, it would be wrong of me not to. Of course I am going to do everything possible to save our relationship and take care of her, that's my role. I just trusted her when she told me she was trying too. These past few days really revealed her new character to me, and it's ugly. It's something I do not want in my life. She is the one that has to live with herself and her decisions now.

 

This whole process isn't over, but it's easier now that I know that I can't trust her. Thank you for your support and for reading, I will update when there's more info to report.

[Mr. Lucky]

This whole process isn't over, but it's easier now that I know that I can't trust her. Thank you for your support and for reading, I will update when there's more info to report.

 

donovant91, I hate it when we're right. But we usually are...

 

Just to be clear, there's no doubt in your mind as to what's going on, right? This guy hasn't just moved into your house, he's moved into your bedroom. I won't be any more explicit, assume you can fill in the blanks.

 

Hope you can take this newfound clarity and find a path forward. You've been patient and understanding to a fault, time to put your own needs first...

 

Mr. Lucky