GoreSP Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 You are doing your share to sabotage the relationship. No one is perfect. You can always pick out some reason to leave someone. He has tried hard and you want to throw in the towel. Maybe you don't love him. Yeah I guess that's what's going on. You have not bonded with him. When you do, you are fundamentally on his side even when you need to stand up to him, you accept him with his faults, and you don't talk of ending it after fighting. But you're not there. I had the exact thoughts. Don’t get me wrong: dating a veteran with PTSD is not going to be easy but it looks like he is taking the necessary steps to heal, which is a good thing. Otherwise, this guy looks like quite the catch and I feel like OP is nitpicking...
Author Ruby Slippers Posted April 11, 2019 Author Posted April 11, 2019 (edited) My concern about marrying him is that any assets acquired during marriage become community property to be split 50/50 in case of divorce. I'm not going to marry a man who earns and saves less, as I'd end up taking a hit in case of divorce. But he just got a new full-time job he's very pumped about, with the potential to earn at least double what he's making now, depending on performance/deals closed. He said the person he's training with sometimes makes $50K a month in commissions, said if he manages that, he's going to buy me a convertible and make a huge donation to the Wounded Warrior project. Over the top, yes, but very sweet - that's my guy! I suggested that once a week, we sit down and talk about what's working and what needs improvement. We're both givers, and tend to let annoyances build up till they kinda explode out. I hope that if we air our grievances calmly and regularly, we can avoid that. He's taking me to dinner tonight. Our talks have been very loving and constructive. Let the party commence again! Edited April 11, 2019 by Ruby Slippers
fishlips Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 I guess it depends on the country where you live, but if he signs a prenup, could he still get half your money in the event of a divorce?
JuneL Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 “...if he manages that, he's going to buy me a convertible...” And this is okay? Talk about double standard! 1
Author Ruby Slippers Posted April 11, 2019 Author Posted April 11, 2019 From what I've seen, a prenup often holds no water - there are lots of loopholes. Double standard how? I didn't ask him to buy me a convertible. He stated it as a motivating goal for making big money. In reality, if he offered it, I'd most likely recommend he put the money toward something more sensible first, like paying off debts, putting it in an emergency savings account, etc. Now, if we have money to burn and wanna splash out, cool! Though I think excess extravagance is gross, and the money would be better used to help people with real need.
BaileyB Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 Double standard how? I didn't ask him to buy me a convertible. He stated it as a motivating goal for making big money. I had the same thought June. There does seem to be a double standard here - “what’s mine is mine but what’s yours is ours...” 2
BaileyB Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 I suggested that once a week, we sit down and talk about what's working and what needs improvement. I can’t imagine anything that would take the joy out of a relationship more than this... If I had to do this with my partner once a week, I would think this is not the right relationship for me...
Tamfana Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 Has he tried EMDR? It's been effective for many people with PTSD. 1
JuneL Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 (edited) I had the same thought June. There does seem to be a double standard here - “what’s mine is mine but what’s yours is ours...” The guy is probably paying most if not all of their dating expenses. Oh, and he contributes to part of her bills, since he’s in her place often now. He wouldn’t have offered to buy the OP a convertible if he didn’t know that would be the way to woo her. “I told him that I've had at least a dozen offers to marry some rich guy who doesn't really even know me...” ^^^ Excuse me for being blunt, but the above is cringeworthy! Edited April 11, 2019 by JuneL 2
BaileyB Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 The guy is probably paying most if not all of their dating expenses. Oh, and he contributes to part of her bills, since he’s in her place often now. He wouldn’t have offered to buy the OP a convertible if he didn’t know that would be the way to woo her. You forgot - he pays for his own home, and supports his mother, and yet he is expected to pay part of her bills because he is at her place often now... and yet, she complains that he does not make enough money for her to consider him as a potential long term partner... Thus, the need for “improvement,” a new job that earns more money, and more dedication to building his savings account (no frivolous spending, according to OP). Not to mention the advice offered the other day, that another poster should only move to be with her boyfriend if they were moving in together and he offered to pay 100% of the bills. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/681651-will-moving-him-mistake As they say, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach... I would say, this guy has figure out the way to this woman’s heart, is through her wallet. 1
JuneL Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 I can’t imagine anything that would take the joy out of a relationship more than this... If I had to do this with my partner once a week, I would think this is not the right relationship for me... The issue is, this exercise is going to be completely one-sided, more like a supervisor giving evaluation on a weekly basis to an employee. If I understand correctly, the boyfriend is not allowed to tell her her house needs to be less messy.
BaileyB Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 (edited) The issue is, this exercise is going to be completely one-sided, more like a supervisor giving evaluation on a weekly basis to an employee. Exactly why I would find this intolerable. I can’t imagine having weekly conversations with my partner that are more like a performance appraisal than a date. Again, sorry to be blunt OP, but the double standard here is obvious. I have no idea why he is trying so hard to jump through all your hoops... Your expectations don’t seem particulalry kind or fair. Edited April 11, 2019 by BaileyB 1
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