Purepony Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 So I was seeing a girl that I was really really into but after spending 5 days with her and her child at my house I asked for a break because I really don’t think I’m ready to become a step parent. Now am I being reasonable or crazy for asking for a few days to kind of adjust and think if this is what I really want ? I mean I know if we get married and have my own kids with this girl there will probably be some issues because I won’t peobably have the same feeling for a child that isn’t mine She says I’m getting cold feet I just will admit I’m scared because it’s a lot to handle Please advice me on what it’s like Thanks
basil67 Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 (edited) Less than a month ago you posted that you'd gone from five girls to zero Then you wrote about the long term girl you ghosted on who's coming back into your life. Since then another girl has turned up and you're debating what it's like to be a step father. No you are NOT crazy for stepping back to work out what you want. Your dating life is shockingly unstable and you have no business dating a women who has a child. Don't just work out what you want with her, work out what you want in general. With all due respect, I imagine that if you explain to her all the women who've been in your life in the recent past, she will suddenly understand why you shouldn't be with her. Edited April 3, 2019 by basil67 4
Wallysbears Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 Dude..slow your roll. You are all over the place with all different women. Maybe you need to take some time off dating until you figure out what it is that you want. 2
elaine567 Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 Plenty single women decide they do not want to be step Moms and will swerve single Dads, so there is nothing wrong with a guy not wanting to date single Moms. It is a huge responsibility bringing up someone else's kids, so not something to be considered lightly. Many are just not cut out to be step parents. Kids need stability, better to avoid completely rather than mess up a kid's life. 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 There's nothing wrong with anyone not wanting to become a step-parent. I have my own kids and don't want to do it! (Grown kids don't count) 2
RecentChange Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 (edited) Agree with slowing your roll..... how long did this lady know you before she invited you into her child’s life? I always think people should be extremely cautious about who they surround their children with. Any way - my dad - is a great dad. He loves my half siblings so much he legally adopted them before I was born. He loves them as if they are his own, we are family. As his biological daughter I never felt that he treated me differently than his “step” children. My parents divorced when I was young, my mother passed away a few years ago. Dad has always been the nucleus of the family - for all his children, and now his grandchildren - blood doesn’t make family - relationships do. It takes a special person to pull it off I am sure. It’s much akin to being an adoptive parent. For some people, not for others. Something to consider if you are going to date single mothers. It’s a package deal. Edited to add - I personally would never want to be a step parent though. As I do not want children at all, and have no interest in being a parent. To anyone, biological or not. Edited April 3, 2019 by RecentChange 3
smackie9 Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 Dude just walk away. It's pretty obvious this isn't what you want to sign up for. He you gave it a shot, and it's just isn't the right fit for you. It's not right or wrong, it's just your own perspective. 1
Mrs._December Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 So I was seeing a girl that I was really really into but after spending 5 days with her and her child at my house I asked for a break because I really don’t think I’m ready to become a step parent. I'm a woman and I'd probably blow my brains out after 2 days of someone's kid in my house, much less 5. Ugh. Take it down a few notches. You don't need an insta-family THAT bad, do you? 3
amaysngrace Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 What did her kid do at your single-guy house for five days while you and the mom were getting it on? 4
Author Purepony Posted April 3, 2019 Author Posted April 3, 2019 Less than a month ago you posted that you'd gone from five girls to zero Then you wrote about the long term girl you ghosted on who's coming back into your life. Since then another girl has turned up and you're debating what it's like to be a step father. No you are NOT crazy for stepping back to work out what you want. Your dating life is shockingly unstable and you have no business dating a women who has a child. Don't just work out what you want with her, work out what you want in general. With all due respect, I imagine that if you explain to her all the women who've been in your life in the recent past, she will suddenly understand why you shouldn't be with her. It’s not a new girl it’s the same girl that was one of the five and the one I ghosted is a long term ex First I didn’t plan on anyone coming back which is why I did my best to move on and second well o did catch feeling for this girl and now I’m torn Serial daring is not a crime and if everyone was right there probably wouldn’t even be a love shack forums
Author Purepony Posted April 3, 2019 Author Posted April 3, 2019 What did her kid do at your single-guy house for five days while you and the mom were getting it on? Well for one that’s whats killing me I lost sleep and my sleep patterns way off. I have an arcade room and I’m an avid car collector so there’s a lot of car models around so he actually had a really good time Now he wants to come over but I can’t decide if this is what I want versus a long term ex who has her act together
amaysngrace Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 You’re either all in or all out. Anything in between is unfair to the child, but I think that’s probably what’s tearing you up because you already know that. A young boy needs good male role models, as do young girls, but boys especially. It’s a really tough call because he’s obviously grown an attachment to you but I don’t fault you for that. That was all his mom’s decision. I’d be careful though, she may be using him as leverage as a way to tug at your heartstrings. Did you hear the boy say he wants to come over or did mom tell you that? 2
Author Purepony Posted April 3, 2019 Author Posted April 3, 2019 You’re either all in or all out. Anything in between is unfair to the child, but I think that’s probably what’s tearing you up because you already know that. A young boy needs good male role models, as do young girls, but boys especially. It’s a really tough call because he’s obviously grown an attachment to you but I don’t fault you for that. That was all his mom’s decision. I’d be careful though, she may be using him as leverage as a way to tug at your heartstrings. Did you hear the boy say he wants to come over or did mom tell you that? You are so right That is what’s killing me I know how I feel about her but this child is just out of control and I could be dedicated but the actual dad is there and not involved financially or physically he just shows up to make her life more difficult and nothing more I feel for both but then there is me and my life That’s why I put a hold on us but I do miss her
amaysngrace Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 It’s a lot to take on. I don’t envy you for the spot you’re in, that’s for sure. It’s good you’re taking a break to decide where to go from here rather than make a complicated situation even worse by sending mixed messages or have the attachment he developed grow bigger. What do you mean by out of control? How old is he?
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 What do you mean by out of control? How old is he? I was wondering this as well. Often a childless person has a different definition of what "out of control" means than a parent would. 2
Author Purepony Posted April 3, 2019 Author Posted April 3, 2019 It’s a lot to take on. I don’t envy you for the spot you’re in, that’s for sure. It’s good you’re taking a break to decide where to go from here rather than make a complicated situation even worse by sending mixed messages or have the attachment he developed grow bigger. What do you mean by out of control? How old is he? He’s 2.5 years old .. almost three but he has several role models and they are all different which. I think is why he is all over the place By out of control I mean he wakes up at seven am to wrestle and hit people with his face and then starts dancing it will stay up until three am 1
amaysngrace Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 “it” Yea kids that age are full of endless energy. I remember one time that had pro football players trying to keep up with kids that age. The pro football players all failed miserably. 1
Author Purepony Posted April 3, 2019 Author Posted April 3, 2019 There’s just no discipline with this kid and I’m in a position where he’s not my son so I can’t do or say much and if it’s like this now what would it be like in a few years
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 He sounds like a typical 2.5 year old. And, if he's sleeping til 7AM, that's pretty darn good! I think you're just not cut out for this. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 I think it's important to really think "what do you expect a 2.5 year old to act like?" I mean, if you were to say to an adult, "stop acting like a 2 year old!" what would you mean? 2 year olds act like 2 year olds lol. Because they are 2. Expecting a 2 y ear old to act like an adult is very unrealistic and potentially harmful to the child.
basil67 Posted April 3, 2019 Posted April 3, 2019 It’s not a new girl it’s the same girl that was one of the five and the one I ghosted is a long term ex First I didn’t plan on anyone coming back which is why I did my best to move on and second well o did catch feeling for this girl and now I’m torn Serial daring is not a crime and if everyone was right there probably wouldn’t even be a love shack forums No, serial dating is not a crime. But it's not the recent background one should have if they are thinking marriage and step parenting. Not to mention you'd written off this woman a month ago and now you're considering what it would be like to be permanent with her. If you settle down with her, and are still content in a year or so, perhaps then start considering it.
Author Purepony Posted April 4, 2019 Author Posted April 4, 2019 I’ve baby sitter my nephews and nieces and I’ve also dated other girls with kids and it’s never been this bad or this difficult
Author Purepony Posted April 4, 2019 Author Posted April 4, 2019 My dilemma is my ex coming back and wanting to fix things because now this really put a rift between my current relationship So I’m torn between what to do
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 4, 2019 Posted April 4, 2019 I’ve baby sitter my nephews and nieces and I’ve also dated other girls with kids and it’s never been this bad or this difficult Not all kids are the same, FYI. I was the greatest mom in the world with my first child, who was an angel and so well behaved. I thought for sure poor parenting was the cause of wild and defiant children! Then I had my second child, who humbled me .
Blanco Posted April 4, 2019 Posted April 4, 2019 Never married, but sorta did the step parent thing for a couple of years. Some general things to consider when you're contemplating filling this role: - You don't have to love the kid, but the kid should never feel like you actively dislike him or her. Depending on the situation with the bio father, the child could already being feeling a sense of loss. That's one reason a mother needs to be careful who she brings around in the romantic context. - You have to be crazy about the woman, because there's gonna come times when the kid(s) really test you. All kids do. But if you're not super into the mom, you're gonna be left feeling unsatisfied with the whole situation when the kid is being awful and you're pretty much powerless. - Your mileage with a kid will vary. The woman I dated had two children. The oldest was definitely more intelligent, but was by far the most prone to meltdowns and just general unpleasantness. The younger one remains the sweetest, most caring child I've ever been around. So parenting is a factor, but it's no guarantee for how the child will behave. - Do not get overly involved if you are on the fence. If you're gonna be around for the long haul, obviously a time will come when you need to be around the child. But these things need not be rushed. Often it seems like the parent will bring the partner around the kids more because they want to see them rather than they think it's time for the child to bond with the partner. In your case, the mother is obviously got the main say in this, but don't be afraid to use common sense when it comes to getting too involved with the kid too soon. - Being a sorta-dad can be an awesome, rewarding experience. It's still the part about that relationship I think most fondly about and the aspect that made the breakup so difficult. It's a learning experience, and it'll feel overwhelming at times. But there's nothing quite like it when things are good. 2
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