I made my husband cry.

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm going to assume husband is a good guy or you wouldn't have married him. But your husband has a blind spot ... and that blind spot is probably sexism in his home culture.

 

You're being hit from two directions ... sexism from your husband, who expects you to go along with inviting in someone you don't know ... and sexism from the uncle, who doesn't imagine that he owes you some real gratitude and thanks and kindness for allowing him to live with you.

 

Let's flip it: imagine you invited one of YOUR friends or relatives to live with you guys for an extended time ... Someone who is NOT friendly to hubby, doesn't much bother to acknowledge hubby's existence and instead only talks to you. Wonder how that would go over with hubby!?

 

And let's get one thing out of the way. Language is not an insurmountable barrier to expressing warmth and gratitude to people who are hosting you and feeding you. People overcome the language barrier all the time--through smiles and holding doors and cooking food and buying gifts and helping out around the house and so on. Uncle's inability to speak English is NOT an excuse for his rudeness and distance. In fact, the greater part of human warmth and friendliness is expressed not through words ... but in body language and facial expressions.

 

Uncle disregards your presence because ... he doesn't think your presence needs acknowledging, and your husband has failed big time in not INSISTING that uncle treat you with the greatest of respect and warmth.

 

Your husband married you ... knowing you were not from his ethnic or national background. Therefore he made an implicit commitment to not live solely according to the traditional norms he grew up with. And if hubby is culturally sophisticated to attract you and impress you, he's culturally sophisticated enough to be aware that the gender roles are different here. And your view on people staying long term with you is as important as his view.

 

What to do now?

 

I'm of two minds. One mind is to take some of the practical suggestions and try to work around this problem ... try talking to the in-laws ... try striking up conversations with the uncle ... give hubby time to let go of some of his sexism and some of his old family ties. Do the crazy proactive move of giving uncle a gift ... Sounds desperate ... but you're desperate right now.

 

The other part of me says stand up and "fight" for acknowledgment.

 

I'll be blunt. One of my observation about women who've been married awhile ... is that this kind of behavior by your husband and his uncle creates long-simmering, red-hot rage. I mean rage! I've seen that rage in women who thought they didn't have it--until the fire came out. And almost always the rage has to do with having endured situations just like this when they felt their husbands (sometimes long deceased or divorced) ignored them in important decisions.

 

So don't let this go on too long. If you find yourself really shutting down and getting angry and withdrawing (withdrawing and shutting down are just inward forms of anger and rage) ... consider going to a therapist to make sure you are seeing all options.

[mark clemson]

Possibly I'm stating the obvious, but there is likely a cultural issue here in that possibly in CR it's quite common (and a reasonable expectation) to have extended family living in the same home whereas in the US this is much less common or accepted.

 

Again maybe obvious, but you're husband is crying, I think, because he realizes that to a certain extent he must choose between wife and Family of Origin. He married an American without realizing some of the cultural assumptions that go along with that. The converse is true as well it seems when you married him.

 

You've shown patience and tolerance for a situation that you maybe never saw coming when you said I do. Also true commitment to your husband, which hopefully he recognizes and appreciates.

 

Maybe you've already done all this but I think it's time for him to give back a little by setting a real end date for his uncle's presence and a structured plan for him to move out. Think this needs to be a rational and loving discussion with him about how this happens, how it will make necessary room for future kids, and how the two of you can have a great life together while reasonably accommodating both your cultural perspectives. You should probably have many of the steps ready so he won't have to think of them himself (he may not be able to deal with that).

 

This is certainly easier said than done. I hope he wouldn't leave a loyal and loving woman such as yourself over this. Suggest you don't force him into that corner but instead show that you have been accommodating, but that the expectation of permanence for something like this isn't fair at this time in your relationship. Maybe when you're in your 50's extended family will be ok. Maybe you and he can retire to a huge house in CR with extended family around. (Think many people actually live like that and there are many benefits as well as drawbacks.)

 

Maybe. But for now something needs to be done.

[mark clemson]

Your husband built a huge McMansion for his family in Costa Rica, maybe it is time to ask him what his real plans for your future are...

 

 

To Elaine's point, which is a valid one - sometimes this stuff does indeed happen (where the spouse's real loyalty is to their FOO).

 

Not saying this is the case with you, but IF you start getting any wierd vibes or gut feelings, pay attention to them - just in case...

[The Revealer]

Yeah, I agree with all of the above. Why didn't I have more awareness as he lived this way before? Because when we started dating, we got our own apartment. We lived alone. Things were normal. This all started happening 2 years after we got married. How was I supposed to know that this was going to happen?

 

….because you knew that he wasn't an orphan, and like most of us who aren't orphans, we have family, siblings, uncles, fathers etc. I think divorcing him isn't a bad option now, you don't have kids with him and you could replace him easily with a new guy.

 

 

Better still, replace him with a guy who grew up as an orphan, without a family. You won't have problems with 'non-English speaking, border jumping uncles'.

[preraph]

I realize neither of you are right or wrong, but what is wrong is that if he thought that was ever a possibility in the future, he should have had a pre-marital discussion with you and you him, both of you, about what happens when are parents get old? Do we take them in? And that would be a discussion every couple needs to agree on before marrying and one that most people would have. And that would have covered this instance. But what's done is done. I think you need to find a situation where a relative moves him to someplace where it's less intrusive and everyone there is used to that "culture," because you are not and no reason you should be. So he needs to be with people who expect that.

 

I wouldn't want my household income going to that for very long either, but if you have to keep him, you need to find a house with an apartment with a separate entrance and not give him a key to the main house at ALL. Or your husband, if he really has all this money to spend on someone who won't work and isn't legal to work, needs to just make all the other relatives pitch him to pay for him a room to rent somewhere, a garage apartment, a studio apartment. You might suggest that. If this is the culture, they should ALL pitch in on it.

[BTDT2012]

Prior to my husband and I dating/getting married, my husband lived with his brother and his uncle for 10 years.

 

 

I come home with groceries, and his uncle comes out of his room to put everything away.

 

 

Why are you offended by him wanting to help? It must also be difficult fo the uncle living with someone who openly despises him.

[preraph]

He's invaded her home! She doesn't want an extra person living there complicating everything, monopolizing her husband, eating her food, and remember he's there 24/7 because he's not working and not trying to! She wasn't ready to be a mother, FFS.

[jaclynxox89]

He's invaded her home! She doesn't want an extra person living there complicating everything, monopolizing her husband, eating her food, and remember he's there 24/7 because he's not working and not trying to! She wasn't ready to be a mother, FFS.

 

THANK YOU ???????

I’m definitely getting some insight here and even a better understanding with a lot of great comments... but some have been so harsh and mean. Geesh.

[BTDT2012]

He's invaded her home!

 

 

He was invited in by her husband. Looking at the situation from the other person's point of view can bring about a measure of compassion.

 

 

The OP's husband comes from a culture where multi-generational living is the norm, not the exception. He should have explained that before they married. And it doesn't sound like the uncle doesn't want to work; more like he he no longer has the ability to do the manual labor tha he did as a younger man.

[Doorstopper]

I know you want him gone, and I don't blame you, but is there a way that you can embrace his presences? Instead of him making dinner for your husband at 2pm, have him make dinner for both you and your husband at 5, or whatever time you see fit. Make him the butler, cook and maid, of the house, as a condition of his stay. Let him work for you , rather than against you. If you can get this to work, it could create a lot f free time for both you and your husband. Do enough of this and maybe, he'll want to go back.

 

So instead of addressing the cause (him living with you), try to address all of the effect individually, as best you can.

[preraph]

He was invited in by her husband. Looking at the situation from the other person's point of view can bring about a measure of compassion.

 

 

The OP's husband comes from a culture where multi-generational living is the norm, not the exception. He should have explained that before they married. And it doesn't sound like the uncle doesn't want to work; more like he he no longer has the ability to do the manual labor tha he did as a younger man.

 

Yes, he should have made sure she knew that, because pretty sure she would have said, Well, sure honey, if it's no longer than a couple of weeks.

[Mrs._December]

Be more respectful of your husband and his family, even if they don't speak English like you do. His uncle has done nothing wrong

His uncle has done plenty wrong! He's an illegal alien in the United States whose broken the law. The OP states that his uncle 'jumped the border' with her husband, so her husband's status is questionable as well.

 

The guy has had 10 freakin illegal YEARS here to learn the damned language and he hasn't, so don't blame the OP because she's frustrated that she's supporting and housing someone who REFUSES to learn how to communicate with her. He's got ALL DAY LONG to learn English and yet he refuses.

 

Personally, I couldn't care less what his culture dictates about their families. The guy is here illegally and should be glad the OP hasn't turned him over to ICE.

 

Solipsistic - it's everybody's fault, your husband's fault, his uncle's fault, but not yours, and that same solipsism will be validated by other women on this forum.

The guy is here illegally expecting everyone else to carry him and has all the time in the world to learn some English, yet chooses NOT to. That blatant disrespect toward the OP - while expecting to live in HER home while she helps support him - cancels out your argument about HER having fault in a situation that's literally being crammed down her throat.

 

Personally OP, I'd be gone. And the first call I'd be making from my new place would be to the nearest ICE facility in New Jersey.

[Turning point]

No children? Just a lease on an apartment?

 

I think you have a real opportunity here to dodge a bigger bullet than the one that's already injured you. Run! Don't walk to the nearest exit and don't look back.

 

If it's not the uncle it will be the next poor slouch in the family tree. This is not about "family being important" it's a bout toxic relationships and being enmeshed beyond all reasonable sense.

[Dis]

The Uncle is has completely interrupted the lives of this newly wed couple and is doing so as an illegal alien which could pose a problem to OP if ICE ever found out she was harboring him. However the majority of the blame here belongs to the husband. Of course the Uncle is going to latch onto whatever food/shelter source he can find. In his culture, the OP is of little significance and considering the husband isn't stressing any respect be shown to OP, the Uncle has no reason to give it. Common courtesy isn't the norm with certain cultures. The Uncle hasn't even tried to learn the language of the person who is allowing him to stay in her home...shows you how little he cares

 

The husband is the main guilty party here though. He's allowing this man to intrude on their lives as a married couple. He is the one who took him in and allows him to stay without paying rent, without working and contributing very little to the household. I can't imagine being married to someone who cared that little about my feelings and has no sense of boundaries. The husband sounds like its his way or the highway and this kind of dynamic will continue because that's what OP signed up for when she married him. I highly doubt the husband took OP's thoughts and wants into consideration their entire relationship and then suddenly just stopped and let the Uncle in, no. This was a long standing dynamic.

 

OP, this is how your husband rolls. You chose to enter into a marital union with someone who is culturally opposite from you and who doesn't care how you feel. If I were you, I'd be livid that this illegal alien is living in my house, doesn't show my any respect for me, doesn't work AND my own husband is allowing it to happen which is the worst part about it. But then again, I wouldn't have married someone like this in the first place.

 

I don't really see how this can be fixed. Not only the Uncle situation but the general difference in cultures, lack of respect and boundaries. If I could offer constructive advice I would but I honestly think you and your husband just aren't compatible. The cultural differences and your husband completely lacking in respect and/or concern for you, are what they are... Fundamental differences.

Edited April 2, 2019 by Disillusionment373

[preraph]

In reality, it's highly unlikely ICE would do anything even if you begged them. They're focused on violent criminals and sometimes that involves also getting involved with those who are harboring them and obstructing them. But you can't just call the Deport Police, unfortunately. However, if he gets picked up for something else and has any outstanding warrants, something might happen, but since he's not working or doesn't sound like driving(?) not much chance of that.

 

She loves her husband and doesn't want to end it, but he should put time limits on these couch potatoes he's letting in.

[Mr. Lucky]

The guy has had 10 freakin illegal YEARS here to learn the damned language and he hasn't, so don't blame the OP because she's frustrated that she's supporting and housing someone who REFUSES to learn how to communicate with her. He's got ALL DAY LONG to learn English and yet he refuses.

 

The Uncle is has completely interrupted the lives of this newly wed couple and is doing so as an illegal alien which could pose a problem to OP if ICE ever found out she was harboring him.

 

Both statements understandable as long as you agree with their Western world, North American point of view. The reality is immigrants from the husband's background don't see family and the responsibility for relatives in the same way. No right or wrong, just different.

 

jaclynxox89, I'd guess you have a choice to make. Staying married means accepting a different set of cultural norms...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

No right or wrong, just different.

 

jaclynxox89, I'd guess you have a choice to make. Staying married means accepting a different set of cultural norms...

 

Exactly.

 

If you want your marriage to last you have to find a way to make peace with the uncle's presence. He's blood. You are not. If you force the issue, you will ruin your marriage.

 

I see the uncle trying a little -- making dinner & working with your husband during the busy season. You have to find a way to tolerate his presence.

[elaine567]

Agree the uncle is blood and he is blood that your husband stayed for 10 years with.

There is a big bond there and sure this is not the life you envisioned but this is the life you have and as you refuse to give up on your marriage then you are going to have to find a way to accept the way things are.

 

If you wanted a traditional North American nuclear family, then it was best not to marry a Costa Rican...

 

If this man moved in with me I would be just as upset but I do at the same time feel heart sorry for him... Poor guy having to walk on eggshells in case he

upsets you...

[preraph]

I wouldn't put up with this for longer than two weeks. He's making dinner in the middle of the day and not letting her know what's up or anything. Probably getting in her way of her routine in the kitchen more than anything else.

 

I still think the best idea is all his relatives need to pitch money in to pay for him a room. And by the way, if he's all that helpful, why aren't any of his relatives or maybe his own kids letting him stay with them?

 

I bet he's already worn out his welcome with them.

[Confused48]

jaclynxox89, I'd guess you have a choice to make. Staying married means accepting a different set of cultural norms...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I will never leave my husband because overall, our bond and relationship is so strong.

 

These two quotes say it all. OP, if your statement is true and your husband knows it, then there is no hope he will ever change. Why would he?

 

You have to decide if my quote of you really is true. If not, then there is hope that your H will change but you have to be ready to leave and actually leave if he does not change.

 

If your quote really is true, then stop complaining and immerse yourself in his culture and way of life.

 

There is no wrong answer here, except to keep complaining and not make a decision to change things, one way or the other.

[preraph]

Hey, just because she wants to stay married with him doesn't mean she has to do it on HIS terms! I think compromise means not letting your uncle come take over your house with no end in sight. Compromise to save the marriage would be her man finding a place for his uncle and getting all the other relatives who approve of this culturally to all help out. He's the one who sprang this surprise on her without warning, after all. It wasn't part of the bargain at all.

[Mr. Lucky]

Hey, just because she wants to stay married with him doesn't mean she has to do it on HIS terms!

 

Of course she doesn't. She has the option of finding someone whose cultural background and values more closely align with her own. If she marries a "my family came over on the Mayflower" US citizen, I doubt uncle would be part of the package...

 

Mr. Lucky

[fishlips]

Ugh, I feel for you. My mother in law lives with us. Although I like her, I sometimes wish she wasn't there, if you know what I mean. I don't think she is purposely trying to cause problems though, and I don't think your "uncle-in-law" is doing anything deliberate, either.

 

That said, your husband needs to understand that his uncle is taking advantage of him. He isn't his father, and if the uncle is able-bodied, he should have his own place. Maybe have a serious talk with your husband and develop a reasonable "move out" schedule. He can move nearby so your husband can spend time with him, while having his own place. Would he go for that?

 

ETA: I see your husband is from Costa Rica, so yes, this is a cultural issue. I'm also from a family-oriented culture, so I see where your husband is coming from. Can other relatives help with taking care of his uncle?

Edited April 5, 2019 by fishlips

[Dis]

 

I still think the best idea is all his relatives need to pitch money in to pay for him a room.

 

I like preraph's idea about all the relatives pitching in for the Uncle to rent a room or an apartment somewhere

 

But sometimes when it comes to families who come from other cultures it can be like leading a horse to water, trying and trying to make it drink, and...it doesn't

 

The family members would have to agree to this and facilitate it. Plus the husband would have to head this all up and given his lack of concern thus far, I'm not sure he would. It may or may not happen but it's a good idea none the less.

 

ETA: The Uncle might refuse to move somewhere else now that I think of it. I think he really wants to live with his nephew, he seems a little codependent. So even if all family members (including the husband) find and pay for an apartment for him, he may not agree to move in. He seems like a stubborn one and pretty entitled. Yet another obstacle to overcome.

Edited April 5, 2019 by Disillusionment373

[elaine567]

 

ETA: The Uncle might refuse to move somewhere else now that I think of it. I think he really wants to live with his nephew, he seems a little codependent. So even if all family members (including the husband) find and pay for an apartment for him, he may not agree to move in. He seems like a stubborn one and pretty entitled. Yet another obstacle to overcome.

 

I guess the uncle is not the only one who loves this arrangement I guess the husband too likes his uncle being around, they lived together for 10 years after all.