Does this ever stop?

[preraph]

He doesn't love you. He doesn't even respect you. He loves sex and he loves the power he has over you and he loves feeling desired, and he's treating you like crap. That's not love.

 

The fact you don't have anyone to compare him to is a good bit of your problem! Try being with someone who treats you right and respects you and isn't cheating on their wife, someone YOU can trust, who doesn't monitor and stalk you to keep control and keep getting sex, and this guy's appeal will vanish.

[BaileyB]

He doesn't love you. He doesn't even respect you. He loves sex and he loves the power he has over you and he loves feeling desired, and he's treating you like crap. That's not love.

 

The fact you don't have anyone to compare him to is a good bit of your problem! Try being with someone who treats you right and respects you and this guy's appeal will vanish.

 

Absolutely. Once you have another relationship with another man who treat you well, you will be absolutely horrified that you ever entertained the thought of this MM.

 

The problem is - you don’t think it will ever happen for you which is why you cling to this MM. Fear - that you won’t find anything else and that you will be alone has held you in a bad place for far too long... When you believe you deserve better, that is when you will let go and go in search of a better life for yourself. You dare starting to realize this, but you are not truly there yet.

[Lotus_Luna]

Give yourself grace and own your feelings.

 

We made contact, it triggered my feelings.

 

Then move forward.

 

You will be raw for a long time where he is concerned. Grief comes in many stages and take time.

 

Now back to NC, go to therapy and invest in yourself.

[mark clemson]

Agree with the IC suggestions and I think we're all glad that you see this thing for what it is. And yes it will take at least some time to heal.

 

Suggest not comparing yourself to others, as much as possible, but using your NC and healing time to improve yourself as much as possible and getting to a place where you're ready for something real and much better. Think many of these posts are suggesting similar things.

 

You use the phrase "come along". Not sure what you have tried in the past, but consider if you can be more proactive (once you feel ready) in looking for someone. (Of course, maybe it's just the phrasing and I'm reading more into that than I should.)

[assertives]

The next time the xMM calls you, just hang up. Block him everywhere else and don't respond. You should also him that if he keeps contacting you, you will tell his wife.

 

I agree you should not compare yourself to others in terms of timeline to get married. You currently think that you are too old/late to the game because you have only a small pool of people to compare with. If you asked around on this forum, you will get alot of different answers of people telling you when they met their spouses. If it's still too early to start dating go out and make new friends. Join interest groups/clubs, take up a new hobby etc.

 

Also, don't let the fear of being alone make you hang on to this MM. Being alone can just be as fulfilling and happy too.

[SSE]

I think you are right that he’s exploiting my weakness and this makes me very sad honestly :(

 

I never did anything wrong to him, he always came on to me, I was the good girl that loved him and kept quiet to his wife. He could get away with anything. I was rarely mad at him (probably because of my fear never having a relationship while really wanting one), and if I was, he left me alone for a while knowing I would miss him and came back with his humor which made me fall for him in the first place. Even now I have difficulty telling him off. It’s no point telling him my emotions and the fact I’m hurting, he doesn’t seem to care or understand what I’m going through. I would suspect a normal person would back off knowing you’re hurting someone. Or a respectful person. I don’t consider it stalking because I think he would stop if I didn’t reply anymore and he doesn't bother me all the time.

 

I still have no intention of telling anything to his wife, even though I saved a lot of texts and call logs. I was in this too and likely I will be thrown under the bus. Likely I will be the crazy whore that seduced and stalked him… even though I have proof I wasn’t. He once told me he could possibly lose a lot of money if she would find out. I suspect he will do anything to save that money. On the other hand, I would love it if he paid for what he keeps doing to me.

 

A day before he called me I was crying because I missed him. I was thinking of the plans he and his wife have of moving abroad with all their money and that I would never hear from him again…It made me really sad. I was wondering why he’s such an ass to me, but a good man to his wife? I suspect he’s a good man to her because they’re almost 10 years in a relationship…I don’t think he will say those kind of words to her… If only did she knew he was making plans with me even before their wedding (I didn’t know he would get married: he told me he liked me, then got married to her and cheated on her 2 weeks after their wedding). This thinking keeps me also stuck to him: he treats you better if you’re #1. Is this weird thinking? Maybe my anxiety also plays a role in this thinking? I don’t know what a respectful relationship is, I’ve never been in one.

 

I actually never dated… Guess what, I’m too scared to be rejected, mostly because of my weight. I did lose 60 pounds but I gained 30 back which doesn’t make me obese anymore, but overweight. I’m working on that but it isn’t easy. My dad’s comments give me the impression I’m not good enough, only for the leftovers who wouldn’t mind my fat ass because they can’t get a girlfriend themselves..

 

And even if you date, it’s no guarantee I will find a suitable partner. It may take years before I find the right one. If I find the right one. And what if I don’t find him online? What are my options then? I would really hate my life if I would stay single and without children… I imagine online dating isn’t easy and you can’t get your hope up too high, and I know I will be thinking about xMM a lot in the meantime… I hope it doesn’t make me go back to him, but I’m alone for so long, it was nice having someone for a while, you know?

 

I already go to IC and she tries to help me with my anxiety. I was doing better (baby steps), but contact with him messed everything up. I have this longing for a relationship, companionship, love and I know I have to be careful to whom I give my heart because I want it so bad, I would let my partner take advantage of me (which already happened with xMM I suppose). I know you may not compare with others, but I have the ‘misfortune’ everyone in my environment is in a relationship. This makes it really hard for me, watching everyone around me experience something I want more than anything and I don’t have. It makes me really sad actually.

 

Last thing I want to say, you’re all strangers to me, but I want to thank you all for your support. You understand what I’m going through instead of my friends (who mean well). Thank you.

[Naivewomen]

@SSE my heart bleeds for you. He is causing you tremendous pain. He will never divorce his wife. Please dont waste anymore time on this man. He is very selfish.

 

Please value and love yourself more than you love him. You desire a family of your own and he can never give that too you. Pay attention to the lows of how you feel and conquer each one daily. You can do this!!!!

[assertives]

Just like how normal people would not be able to understand convicted felons, you will never be able to understand why he does/says what he does because he is not like you. He is selfish.

 

He is not treating his wife better than he is treating you. Now that you mentioned you guys were already together before he married her just made things all the more ****ty for his wife. I'll say he is treating her worse than he is treating you. He broke and disregarded his marriage vows, and betrayed and disrespected her as his wife. She shared her home, her life with him, and bore his kids and here he is cheating on her and lying to her. If she ever finds out that you and him got together before their marriage, she may even question if the marriage and everything had been a lie. If she never finds out, he would be lying to her for the rest of her life.

 

He is hurting both you and her. The only difference between you and her is that you know, but she is still in the dark. I would also say that you are in a better position than her because at least you still get to choose. You can get up and walk away and you are free to date anyone. She however is married to him and would not be as easy for her to just walk away. Have you thought about what you want in a life partner? It doesn't have to be a complicated one. For e.g. is honest, cares about my feelings, respect my wishes, wants to be with me, treats others the way he wants others to treat him etc etc.

 

It may be good to start thinking about that now so that when you meet other people, you'll recognise what are deal breakers and hopefully in the process of this, you'll realise how he is everything that you do not want in a life partner.

 

Also, don't fret over being in a relationship. Getting married and having kids is not an end goal in life. It is more important to pick a good man than to pick any man to marry you. As for your father's comments on your weight, all I can say is, don't let it get to you. Different people have different tastes and not everyone loves a smaller size girl. I understand it's easier said than done because I've been there too. My father also said the same thing to me and it took me many years to realise that that is not true and recognise that even gorgeous hollywood actresses and models goes through their fair share of rejection and infidelity as well.

 

Lastly, I encourage you to read through the other threads in the other sections of this forum. You will realise that being in a relationship has it's own woes and is not necessarily "better" than being single.

Edited March 25, 2019 by assertives

[SSE]

I went to IC today. My therapist thinks the reason I’m still stuck in this mess is because I can’t get angry with him. Anger breaks bonds. I don’t know why I can’t get angry with him. Maybe because sometimes I hope to still have a future with him (I admit it :’( ), although I know rationally that won’t be the case. But if there was a chance for a normal relationship with him, I would still go for it even though I probably would be terrified in that relationship... Getting angry would mean the end of my fantasy. I even made a list of all the bad things he said to me and still I can’t get angry, but I get sad. Is it normal to not be mad at him? Did you experience it also?

 

I’m stuck in this mess for almost 3 years. That’s a long time to be stuck. My therapist suggested to actively say things in my head like “xMM, you’re a POS for treating me this way” instead of being sad. That’s hard for me to do. She also suggested, because I can’t get mad, that maybe casually dating could help me move forward (while maintaining NC). To see that other men are out there that could like me and treat me right. Anyone experience with that? I tried previous month to make a Tinder account, but it didn't feel right. Did it help you to move forward?

 

Or was the best way for you to move forward NC and time?

[FMW]

It took me a long time to get mad. Mine came after I reached my humiliation threshold - he ghosted me for another OW and then when we happened to run into each other again 3 months later he started texting again apparently thinking I would still be available to him.

 

Your therapist is right - Anger breaks bonds. That's only the beginning of being able to move on, but it is absolutely necessary. I hope you find the catalyst for your anger soon.

 

As to dating, I can't really answer that. I have guy friends I "hang out" with and there is some romantic tension, but I haven't met anyone yet that made me feel like I was ready to really test it.

Edited March 26, 2019 by Finding my way

[BaileyB]

I don’t know why I can’t get angry with him. Maybe because sometimes I hope to still have a future with him (I admit it :’( ), although I know rationally that won’t be the case. But if there was a chance for a normal relationship with him, I would still go for it. Getting angry would mean the end of my fantasy. Is it normal to not be mad at him?

 

Gosh! I am angry with this guy for you!! He knew that he couldn’t give you what you really wanted and he still wasted three years of your life - three of the BEST years of your life when you should be dating, going out with friends, living your life and having fun!! Honey, people who love you want the best for you. If he really loved you, he wouldn’t have done that...

 

I do think you resist getting angry and letting him go because you have to give up the fantasy. I also think, sometimes some of us (myself included) tend to get really comfortable in our own misery. It’s really easy to sink into a place of anxiety/depression and it takes a whole LOT of get out of that dark place. And sweetheart, everything about what you write says you are sad, possibly depressed, and scared... And finally, letting go of the fantasy means that you must move on and do something else. It requires you to reingage in your life, put some effort out to do something new and take some risks - something you don’t seem ready to do right now. So, you cling to this man and you cling to the fantasy... wasting time that could be spent building a better life - for you.

 

So, I will ask you this - what brings you joy? Think about what brings you joy... whether that is learning something new, playing a sport, going to yoga, reading a book, volunteering at a pet shelter, going out with a friend, or going to work... whatever it is - do it! I wouldn’t date, I would spend some time taking that frown and turning it upside down... do what you enjoy and what makes you happy! Your goal right now should not be to find a man or get married - it should be to create a happy life - for you! To be honest, I would be really worried about you dating right now because you are so sad and lonely that you would be very vulnerable to getting yourself into another bad relationship - for all the wrong reasons... if you can get to a place when you find YOUR OWN happiness and self esteem, that will be success. Trust me.

Edited March 27, 2019 by BaileyB

[whatcomesnext]

SSE - I understand your anger issue because I have the same problem. Even though I at times feel generalized anger and frustration, it is normally directed at myself. I have never been able to muster up any real anger towards MM even though it’s been two years since he left me high and dry. I only feel hurt, not angry. My IC said it is hard to be angry at someone on whom your life depends. She is not saying that she believes my life depends on him, only that in my mind this is how it was. I wanted to kill myself when he left me, and sometimes I feel so pathetic that I still do want to kill myself. You and I are in completely different age brackets and positions in life, but I think we shared in common a belief of MM as messiah/the only chance for something/the source of validation, love, acceptance, self-worth. And what BaileyB says above is very true regarding getting stuck in depression and sadness and darkness out of an inability to accept things as they are and move on. I have lived it, in protest mode and clinging to the fantasy of what was lost for years. It is very difficult to dig your way out of. At a certain point the darkness that takes over becomes a bigger problem than whatever happened with MM and clouds everything. I personally think it can be better than that for you if you can exit with all the power and control by being the decision-maker and blocking him so he can’t reach you/going NC forever. Much better for the self-esteem.

[SSE]

I would like to vent about something. I’m (still) struggling with what happened between xMM and myself. My father and brother told me yesterday to “just get over it”. A friend told me the exact same thing and probably xMM feels the same way. Probably some of you also think I should just get over it. I’m sorry, but it isn’t that simple for me and I would like to explain why.

 

xMM told me about 2.5 years ago he wanted to kiss me. Wanted to marry me and have children with me. I was the woman of his dreams… I was longing for someone, had even never been kissed before and after being hesitant at first, I gave in. I got a cold shower some months later when he told me he doesn’t mind me seeing other people before going on a vacation with only his wife. But an hour before these words he was talking about where we would live??? I was crushed. Why would anyone say those things and not mean them? I assumed we were done.

 

After that holiday he came back following the same pattern for the coming 2 years: “SSE is upset, I will leave her alone for a while, come back with some sweet words and make her laugh like nothing happened so I can have sex with her (again). If she becomes upset (again), I will repeat the cycle. Seems to work every time”… He has no idea or cares how tremendously he hurt me with coming back each time. Each time with those sweet but vague words about divorce he let me on to believe we still had a chance. I loved him and wanted a relationship so bad that I believed him. While I was hurting when I wasn’t with him, he went on vacation with her, slept next to her every night and did lovely family things. I was all alone, trying to understand what happened to me, but xMM assumed I was doing fine in the meantime: partying and dating other single men like young single women do. I was allowed to date other men, you know… But guess what xMM, I wasn’t. I believed you when you said you would take care of me. Why would you lie about something like that? Why would you lie when I requested you were honest with me? Why else would you keep coming back?

 

With every cycle the trust in my fantasy became less and less so I requested to leave me alone. I explained why, told him how I felt and that I was done. I never wanted to be only a **** buddy… He understood and promised to respect my request. The first time I expressed I was done was in December 2017. Still he came back multiple times. He knows my feelings for him are stronger than his feelings for me. The cycle continued and repeated 6 times till today (most of the cycles without sex) because I was too weak to tell him to **** off. Each time I explained again why I didn’t want to meet. Each time he assumed I was doing fine during our breaks, partying and dating other single men, like young single women do. Not thinking about him at all. Even now he thinks I’m already dating other men. Not realizing the impact of his words and that I need time to heal. Each time he promised he would respect my request for honesty and NC.

 

It’s no point explaining anymore how hurt I am because he doesn’t understand or care. I need some time to heal from all of this which he also doesn’t seem to understand. I need some time to let go of a fantasy I wanted so bad. A fantasy that he fed me to have sex with me while expecting me to live my life and date other men. But feeding me sweet, lying words in the meantime. While all along he had his comfortable home life with probably a loving wife and child...I know I was naïve, but why keep stringing me along? Just for some sex? Hurting me, someone who treated you always kindly, just for some sex? I didn’t deserve this. I was looking forward to that fantasy. The beginning of my life and starting something together. Finally being normal and having a boyfriend. I wanted that life sooo bad and was so in love with him… It was a cruel thing from him to do to me just for some sex. I am still all alone trying to heal while he can live his happy family life.

 

So no, daddy, brother, friends and people that read LS, it’s not that easy for me to “just get over it”. I wasted almost 3 years on a man that fed me a fantasy for some sex. Which I came to realize after a while, but the thought of the fantasy was stronger than the thought of being used by someone I love(d). While in the meantime my friends got a good partner and created families of their own. I know being in a relationship is not always rosy, but when I see my friends, they seem much happier being with someone than alone. I also want to have my own children someday, so a relationship is a must for me. I don’t want to raise a child by myself.

 

I know I also have a responsibility in this story, but hell, it would have been a lot easier for me if he just had left me alone since December 2017. Maybe I would have been in a good relationship of my own by now… I’m doing my best, stopping the cycle and getting over it, but it really isn’t that easy. I hope you understand.

[elaine567]

Unfortunately life is no fairy tale.

He sold you a story, he continues to tell you a story, and your ego will not allow you to let go.

It HAS to be a love story, it HAS to more than what it appears, else what is it?

Extra marital sex is what this is all about, nothing more nothing less, and the sooner you realise that the better.

 

He did it because he could.

He flattered your ego into thinking somehow it was the love of the century, and that you would step into his wife's shoes and it would all be the life you desired and deserved, BUT basically he fooled a young, naive virgin into giving him sex on tap. Nothing romantic about that is there?

Yes you can continue to wallow in grief and tell us all how unfair it all is ad infinitum, but what a waste of a life...

 

DO NOT turn into a martyr, he doesn't care a damn what you do, but if you are ever up for some sex, then he is your man...

[SSE]

For me, it wasn't about my ego. I never felt better than his wife. I always felt less because he stayed with her. But I couldn't understand why he kept coming back... Indeed, what else could it be than love?? I was so unexperienced...

In my case it was also fear that held me so long in this situation. Fear of never having a relationship anymore.

 

I don't want to be a martyr, but when you're in this mess you want to believe the fantasy so bad. The fog is lifting and that's a very painful realization. Not something I just can let go with the snap of my fingers (unfortunately).

[BaileyB]

He told you a story and you believed it - you wanted the fantasy. Desperately.

 

Not saying that what he did was right, because it was not. Absolutely not!

 

If I may, you seem to place the responsibility for your happiness and the responsibility not to hurt you, with the wrong person. That responsibility is entirely your own. You were “dating” a married man. That was NEVER going to be a happy ending. You need to understand and realize that you said “go” when most people would have said “stop.”

 

He recognized that you were lonely and lacked self esteem and he exploited your vulnerability. That was a terrible thing to do to another person. But, you knew he was married. At a certain point you were no longer a victim but a volunteer. I’m sorry to be blunt but, when you chose to engage with a married man and stayed in the relationship for years... At some point the fact you got hurt is your fault, not his.

 

If his wife knew the truth, she would likely say that she is the true victim here. You are angry because she got the “happy ending” while you are hurting... yet, the “happy ending” you long for would have been at her expense. How is her pain more acceptable than yours? Just a little perspective my friend, step out of your own experience for a minute and consider the fact that while you consider what he did to you to be, in your words, “cruel.” Again, I’m sorry to be blunt, but how is that any different than what you did and were prepared to do when you ran off with her husband?

 

You retell the story, highlighting all the times that HE should have been the one to see that you wanted more. All the moments when HE mislead you and gave you hope where there was none. You are entirely focused on the fact that HE did this to you... When YOU were the one who decided to get involved with an unavailable man. Your mistake was in thinking that this married man had integrity and that he would care about anyone's feelings other than his own. You trusted him not to hurt you and you wanted to make him responsible for your own happiness... and that was not a wise thing to do.

 

Things will change for you when you realize that YOU are the only person responsible for your happiness. Not your father. Not this married man. YOU.

 

What they said may have been insensitive, but realize they love you enough to tell you the truth - even if you will be upset with them. I agree with your dad and your friend that you are very much stuck. I also agree with Elaine, you can continue to wallow in grief and retell your story at nausium, bemoaning how much you really wanted the fantasy and how unfair it was that this man didn’t leave his wife and give you the fantasy, but it is absolutely a waste of a life. That is what your father and your friend are trying to get you to understand. At some point, you will need to let it go. At a certain point, you will need to face your fear, take a risk, and move on with your life.

 

You need to get outside of your own head. You need to go out and live your life - study, work, exercise, have some fun, go out with friends, date, travel... engage in life in a meaningful and productive way such that you find joy, and confidence, and motivation to do something more than mope around, telling and retelling the story of this relationship and how you have been victimized... Tell us in your next post, one thing you did today that brought you joy. And come back tomorrow and tell us two things that you noticed or did that brought you joy. Change the narrative of your story to focus on YOU, not HIM. Change the narrative from negative, to positive. That should be your goal right now. I realize that you are probably not going to like my post, but that doesn’t mean that it hasn’t been written with kindness and support. I hope you consider what I am saying. Truly, I do.

Edited March 31, 2019 by BaileyB

[preraph]

You need to understand men better. He kept coming back for sex. That's all it ever was about to him and to a whole lot of men, especially married men. He knows you carry a torch for him and he knows that means he can probably keep having sex with you if he plays his cards right. This isn't a love story. This is you fooling yourself and being inexperienced and not understanding the priority sex is for men. He's in love with sex, not you. If at any time the sex had dried up earlier on, he'd have been on to the next one.

 

You got your hopes up out of idealism and it has happened to all of us, though some people (myself excluded) had better sense than to get involved with a married man. At least mine really were divorcing, but even then, it's not a fair endeavor and usually won't work out. You will look back in ten years and think, Oh, God, I wasted five of my best years on a married cheater who was so simple he only wanted sex. Why couldn't I see that and accept it?

[BaileyB]

You need to understand men better. He kept coming back for sex. That's all it ever was about to him and to a whole lot of men, especially married men.

 

Good post preraph. If I may, I would like to be sure that SSE understands that not all men are like this. While men think very differently about sex and relationships than women, not all men will not hurt a woman in this way to get sex. The sad truth is, you made a very poor choice. You trusted a man who you should not have trusted and it turned out very badly for you. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but an important lesson. It’s important because you want to be sure that the next time you pick a man, you chose one who cares more about you than to hurt you in this kind of selfish and awful way...

[FMW]

No, you can't just snap your fingers and get over it.

 

But what you can do is stop swimming around in your heartbreak. Of course it's going to be around for a while, but don't surrender to it. Get out and live your life and find things that you enjoy and focus on them. Eventually you WILL heal.

 

Stop talking about it to friends and family, that only keeps it alive and growing and as you have unfortunately seen, there is a limit to how much others will have patience with it.

 

Keep posting here and really give some thought to the responses you receive. Some might be mean spirited and unhelpful, but for the most part they probably contain advice you need to seriously consider, especially if it comes from someone who has been in a similar position.

[MissJenniferX]

I was almost 3 months NC until xMM called me two days ago. His number is blocked but he used a private number. My mum also uses a private number, so I answered. He was very glad I did, wanted to know how I was doing and if I had met someone else. Like I said in a previous post, I am not ready to date yet, so no, I am/was in the process of healing. I requested during the previous holidays that he would stop contacting me because I wanted to move forward with my life. He understood and promised he would respect my request. Until now. He said nothing about wanting to meet, only that it was sooooo nice to hear from me again. And that it’s up to me if there will be any further contact. I have no intention of contacting him, but I keep wondering what he is up to this time. Was it really just a phone call to see how I’m doing? To minimize his guilt (although I didn’t get a sorry) or wanting to know I’m not mad anymore? Or is he fishing? I don’t get why he cannot honor my request to leave me alone. Does he need some extra sex again?

 

After the phone call I got a panic attack. I realized I still like talking to him, that I still love him, but also that this situation is not good for me! I imagined the worst case scenario where in 5 years (I’m almost 34 then) everyone around me has a family and children where as I am still all alone wanting him… Hating myself for putting up with this situation for so long. I read LS and unfortunately there are some heartbreaking stories on here. I am so sick and tired of feeling anxious all the time. I want stability in my life, not this ****. But I’m confused I still like hearing from him after everything he has said to me. I want those feelings gone…

 

I used to get panic attacks from my ex. I have panic disorder and I would need extra Xanax to meet him to just talk.

 

Mine was a narcissist. Has he ever abused you, out right? He is married? Expose him to the wife. He has no intention of being with you. So, expose him and he will run and drop you like a hot potato.

[SSE]

No need to apologize Bailey,

I value your opinion and insights as I am truly stuck :s

 

That was NEVER going to be a happy ending.

 

I disagree: I know 2 couples where the man divorced his wife to be with the other woman. One of them did it fairly quick, the other one took his time (almost 2 years). I don’t know if they are truly happy, but they say they are.

 

At a certain point you were no longer a victim but a volunteer. I’m sorry to be blunt but, when you chose to engage with a married man and stayed in the relationship for years... At some point the fact you got hurt is your fault, not his.

 

Again, look at the couple I know where it took almost 2 years for MM to divorce… But I assume the MM was not so vague about divorcing like in my case. Or did the OW want to stop the relationship and he decided to divorce then? I don’t know and I don’t dare to ask them. All I know it took a while for them to be finally together. Now they are together for almost 3 years.

 

If his wife knew the truth, she would likely say that she is the true victim here. You are angry because she got the “happy ending” while you are hurting... yet, the “happy ending” you long for would have been at her expense. How is her pain more acceptable than yours? Just a little perspective my friend, step out of your own experience for a minute and consider the fact that while you consider what he did to you to be, in your words, “cruel.” Again, I’m sorry to be blunt, but how is that any different than what you did and were prepared to do when you ran off with her husband?

 

Her husband came on to me and led me believe he wanted me… These are always painful situations. Like I stated earlier, I know 2 cases where the MM did fall for the OW and wanted to be with her. There the wife also got hurt… Which option MM choses, always someone gets hurt. I wish he was more honest with me instead of stringing me along. I still would have been hurt, but I would have appreciated his honesty.

 

Your mistake was in thinking that this married man had integrity and that he would care about anyone's feelings other than his own. You trusted him not to hurt you and you wanted to make him responsible for your own happiness... and that was not a wise thing to do.

 

Indeed, but you have no idea how hard it is to say no to someone that comes on to you that strong. He always claimed he wanted to make me happy… Knowing that I wanted a good relationship. A lesson learned the hard way.

 

What they said may have been insensitive, but realize they love you enough to tell you the truth - even if you will be upset with them. I agree with your dad and your friend that you are very much stuck.

 

My dad asked me if I had already met someone new (because I’m getting so old) and when I said I was still grieving, he didn’t understand… My dad never experienced heartbreak because he and my mum are high school sweethearts… I didn’t tell him the whole story again, that’s why I came here to vent. The same thing happened with my friend. She asked how I was doing, I didn’t lie and told her I’m still accepting what happened to me and she was surprised it took me so long… It’s not that I’m telling the story again and again, but when people ask me, I give an honest answer. But I guess some people don’t like to hear the truth. You guys are the only ones where I am repeating the story at nausium It also helps me to reread it and realize xMM needs to stay away.

 

At some point, you will need to let it go. At a certain point, you will need to face your fear, take a risk, and move on with your life.

 

I know, I feel so stuck in grief and sadness.

 

You need to get outside of your own head. You need to go out and live your life - study, work, exercise, have some fun, go out with friends, date, travel... engage in life in a meaningful and productive way such that you find joy, and confidence, and motivation to do something more than mope around, telling and retelling the story of this relationship and how you have been victimized...

 

The problem is I don’t find joy in anything for the moment… It seems to me that only thing that would make me happy would be a good boyfriend. I remember how in love I was with xMM in the beginning. It felt so great! I still meet with friends, but they talk about their lovely partners and children (which is normal off course). I find it really hard to be happy for them, because I’m ‘forced’ to hear their happy stories while I want that story so bad for myself. They also don’t have that much time anymore to hang out (which I understand). My younger brother has a girlfriend and literally every member of my family asks me why I’m still single. How can you be single when your younger brother is not?? I get really tired of hearing that question as if something is wrong with me. I went back to the gym, so hopefully I can address my weight issues. But it’s hard in my head. The only thing that seems to matter to everyone (and to me) is finding love and starting a family. I want that so bad. I don’t want to be alone anymore. Is that so abnormal?

[SSE]

If at any time the sex had dried up earlier on, he'd have been on to the next one.

 

This confused me: we didn't have sex all the time, in those 2.5 years I guess about 10 times. The last year we only had sex 2 times with more than 6 months in between... He still came back even with the unfrequency of the sex...

 

But I guess it doesn't matter for this type of men? Not that he didn't try actually, but I only caved 2 times.

 

So now he knows sex is of the table, I'm of no use anymore?

 

How do you know he will try with another girl?

[SSE]

I used to get panic attacks from my ex. I have panic disorder and I would need extra Xanax to meet him to just talk.

 

Mine was a narcissist. Has he ever abused you, out right? He is married? Expose him to the wife. He has no intention of being with you. So, expose him and he will run and drop you like a hot potato.

 

No, I got a panic attack because I feared I will waste more time on someone that doesn't want to be with me. I got a panic attack from my own reaction to his phone call. I'm not afraid of him and I was never abused (sexually or physically).

 

I've thought about exposing him to his wife, but I'm not going to do it (I think). I don't want any more mess. He's blocked. I want the sadness and anxiety gone...

[Amethyst68]

The victim in all of this was his wife. What you were was an active willing participant. You know other MM who left, so what? That does not make it ok to intrude in another woman's marriage, and you did intrude, you made a conscious decision to do so and now you are facing the consequences. The fact this MM may have pursued you did not negate the fact you alone hold agency over your actions.

 

As for why he keep coming back, even without sex? You were (and are) so desperate for any type of a relationship, that is what probably drew him to you. The knowledge that someone is so reliant on them for their own self worth can be a heady thing to some people. Have you heard of ego kibbles? That is what he got from you, you were so desperate for a relationship you would put up with anything and in return he got your adoration, the knowledge would do almost anything to keep him.

 

You need to widen your circle of friends and acquaintances. Find people to associate with that do not accept cheating so easily.

 

I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh but I was annoyed by your last replies. Own your actions which were as despicable to his wife as his were to you!

[BaileyB]

I disagree: I know 2 couples where the man divorced his wife to be with the other woman. One of them did it fairly quick, the other one took his time (almost 2 years). I don’t know if they are truly happy, but they say they are.

 

All I know it took a while for them to be finally together. Now they are together for almost 3 years.

 

Well, this is where you and I will have to agree to disagree.

 

I also have a friend who had an affair and she is not in a happy relationship with her affair partner. What happened in the days the affair was disclosed, when they told their spouses, and started their relationship together - I would not wish that pain on my worst enemy. She was suicidal, her husband was destroyed, his kids wouldn’t need talk with him, and her kids suffered and school and went to counselling. And now, they are “happy” but I wouldn’t trust her for anything...

 

I’m sorry, I just don’t believe that the end justifies the means. I don’t believe that you are entitled to happiness at someone else’s expense.

 

I hope you are able to move on from this... have a good day.