I can't shake it off what happened, should I end the relationship with him?

[S2B]

Why did you post from a different user name?

[S2B]

Is this still the lazy selfish guy you referenced in your other thread under the second user name?

[preraph]

You need joint couples counseling to sort this out or find out if the damage is done. Good luck.

[LivingWaterPlease]

 

It would be nice to explain all this to him, at least he would understand it and know I am changing that behavior, instead of just sitting down to wait if ‘she has changed’ like he is scared of me or something.

 

 

 

Words and explanations will do you no good at this point. Time is the only thing on your side, time to earn back his trust by showing him you'll treat him with respect when conflict arises.

 

Embrace this time of waiting because it's your friend. Without the waiting factor he'd be gone. You're very fortunate that he's waiting for you to prove yourself over time.

 

He's wise to be taking things slower than before until he sees you are able to demonstrate respect for him in all circumstances.

 

Not sure why you're posting under two different user names. Am assuming it's the same person posting.

[miss2017]

Is this still the lazy selfish guy you referenced in your other thread under the second user name?

 

I posted before about how our lifestyles are so different and if it could work between us because of that.

[miss2017]

Words and explanations will do you no good at this point. Time is the only thing on your side, time to earn back his trust by showing him you'll treat him with respect when conflict arises.

 

Embrace this time of waiting because it's your friend. Without the waiting factor he'd be gone. You're very fortunate that he's waiting for you to prove yourself over time.

 

He's wise to be taking things slower than before until he sees you are able to demonstrate respect for him in all circumstances.

 

Not sure why you're posting under two different user names. Am assuming it's the same person posting.

 

Ok agree. But the time I lashed out at him I had a reason for it. Although I agree I should have communicated in a normal and kind way and not lashing out, he also showed me some inconsistent behavior I didn't like and needs to show me he is different too.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Ok agree. But the time I lashed out at him I had a reason for it. Although I agree I should have communicated in a normal and kind way and not lashing out, he also showed me some inconsistent behavior I didn't like and needs to show me he is different too.

 

So then why are you complaining about having to wait? Seems to me waiting is in your favor and works right in to what you need from the relationship, also! So both of you need time, which is probably why he's backed off. Maybe you should back off a little, too, until you see if his behavior is going to be respectful of you. In which case you'd be on the same track, bingo!

 

However, having the attitude that you had a reason for lashing out at him seems to be ignoring the fact that lashing out is not respectful, whether or not you feel justified.

[preraph]

Tell him you want to start again from scratch. No more talk or marriage or any of that. Tell him you realized it was far too soon. That argument was just the first time either of you showed the person who you really were. If he is too scarred by his past to have an argument, he's not ready to date and was probably rebounding anyway.

 

That said, ask if you can start over. But do NOT bottle up your feelings. Show him who you are and tell him when something isn't acceptable and ask him to do the same thing. Tell him if you both don't do that, you will waste time and still not know each other.

[mortensorchid]

You two met and 2 months into it he asked you to marry him and move in with him. Then you had a fight and suddenly it's not so rosy anymore. I have a few stories to tell you about those who do these things which you have probably heard before : 2 people met, Couple 1 knew each other for 6 weeks and got married - they were doing nothing but fighting from what I remember about 2 years later. If they are still married today I would be shocked. Couple 2 same story - 3 years later, after she had taken full advantage of him (moved to another state, had him supporting her and her two children and probably her lover in some ways, and paying for her daughter's education) she divorced him, married her lover who became husband #4, and 9 months later divorced Husband #4. Couple 3 was the craziest of them all - she had him move in with her after knowing him for one week (yes, ONE WEEK), he asked her to marry him about 3 weeks later, and it all came crashing down 6 months later.

 

The lesson here is that these 3 and it sounds like you two as well were deep in infatuation. Infatuation wears off after 3, then 6-9 months, and after that is the real person. And you better like that person - not love, just like them - because if you don't you're in trouble. LTRs are difficult on all levels (love, marriage, friendship, working relationships, etc.) because we all change so much and we go through different things. It's all based on tolerance, as there are a lot of little things about a person that can bother you. You have to want to stay together, we are being taught intolerance rather than tolerance (as in it's all about me, if it's not perfect the next will be better, etc.), and laugh as much as you can with and at each other.

 

Granted, the 3 examples I gave you were examples of very immature relationships. It's hard to find someone who feels the same way as you about things and has the same values and whatever else. I am depressed as hell that no one wants to be this and are only looking for or end up with trashy girls rather than me, but I have to accept certain things about it and not loose hope.

 

But I think what happened to you is that infatuation wore off and now you realized you didn't know this person at all. Second chances? You can try. You might discover you are not really right for each other but you will be wiser.

[pandagirl2018]

I think your intuition is trying to tell you something is off and that's why you're here asking this question.

 

From my own personal experience, I want to tell you to be careful with this guy and open your eyes.

 

He might have already decided you are not for a serious relationship or to be his girlfriend to meet this parents and stuff, and the only reason he is still with you is because of the benefits he gets once and a while (like sex, attention, company, etc).

 

That's why he backed off and is "taking things slowly", without openly talking about what happened between you.

 

Keep your eyes open, he might be quick in replacing you once he finds someone new.

[miss2017]

Thank you everyone for your replies and help.

 

Well there's nothing more to try with him. Yesterday he sent me a message out of the blue saying he can't forget what happened in the past between us and that he lives anxious about the future and feels he can't be 100% in the relationship, so is better if we go our separate ways.

 

I told him that I am conscious that my past behavior of lashing out is not acceptable and wanted to change it and be different going forward, but that I totally understand he doesn't want to try anymore.

 

I feel that if he wanted to stay together he wouldn't have said this by text message, he would want to meet me and have a honest heart to heart conversation first and then make his decision.

 

But him doing it so easily through text message just shows me he's really not into it anymore.

 

I'm sad by all this, but I'm gonna take this as an experience moving forward and do things differently in the future.

[ExpatInItaly]

That's why I broke up with him once and then he broke with me twice after that, and last time even wished me well in me finding the right man.

 

So you two had broken up three times prior to this?

 

Girl, getting engaged at two months and three splits - this relationship was never going to last. That level of impulsiveness and conflict almost never lends itself to a healthy and long-term relationship.

 

I see that he has now ended it once again. It is for the best. There is no future here. But, you can apply the lessons you learned from this moving forward. Slow down. Slow way down, even if the guy is rushing it. Take a deep breath before lashing out, and learn more constructive ways to communicate about problems.

[miss2017]

I just got fired from my burger flipping job at McDonald's for making racist statements. I’m also banned from eating at Burger King for making racist statements.

 

Sorry what that has got to do with the topic of this post?

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry what that has got to do with the topic of this post?

 

It's a troll. Just ignore.

[elaine567]

I'm sad by all this, but I'm gonna take this as an experience moving forward and do things differently in the future.

Yes, do not stay in on and off relationships, if it isn't working it isn't working so cut it off. Dating is supposed to be comfortable easy and fun.

Do not try to push square pegs into round holes, people are who they are, trying to change them into the person you want them to be never works.

[miss2017]

So you two had broken up three times prior to this?

 

Girl, getting engaged at two months and three splits - this relationship was never going to last. That level of impulsiveness and conflict almost never lends itself to a healthy and long-term relationship.

 

I see that he has now ended it once again. It is for the best. There is no future here. But, you can apply the lessons you learned from this moving forward. Slow down. Slow way down, even if the guy is rushing it. Take a deep breath before lashing out, and learn more constructive ways to communicate about problems.

 

Yes he broke up again, but this time there were no arguments or lashing out or anything. I guess he just isn't feeling it anymore and doesn't care if I change my behavior or not, otherwise instead of sending a text message to end, he would want to meet up and talk.

 

I did feel we needed to have had a honest conversation about things, and I even asked here if I should do that. There was a need pending for that conversation after everything that happened between us.

 

I wanted to tell him that my behavior was not acceptable and I'm working on it. I didn't say it and I felt I should have. Well at least I did say it now.

 

I was willing to give my 100% to make things work, but I felt he wasn't (and that's why I wrote this post in the first place), and it takes two to make it work.

 

Yes I'll take those two important lessons with me: stopping with the lashing out and slowing it down and pace things because I don't really know them at the beginning.

Edited March 24, 2019 by miss2017

[ExpatInItaly]

.I was willing to give my 100% to make things work, but I felt he wasn't (and that's why I wrote this post in the first place), and it takes two to make it work.

 

I agree. He has lost interest in you.

 

Even if this hadn't turned volatile, relationships that start out with a bang don't usually end well. There is every chance that this would have come to an end before ever reaching the altar anyway.

[miss2017]

I agree. He has lost interest in you.

 

Even if this hadn't turned volatile, relationships that start out with a bang don't usually end well. There is every chance that this would have come to an end before ever reaching the altar anyway.

 

Well, I want a man who the more he knows me, the more he becomes interested in me, not the other way around.

 

I told him before that he seems to claim he loves me, but he doesn't like me.

 

I think he loved the idea of me, and that's why the marriage proposal so quickly and the wanting to move in together and etc. When he got to know the real me and that I'm not perfect, he lost interest.

 

I would not be surprised if he goes to do this same pattern with someone else again.

 

To me, I've learned from it and will see it as a red flag if it happens again, and go at a normal pace next time.

[stillafool]

I think he wants a more submissive woman or at least one who doesn't like to argue. He realized that you two are just not compatible and he no longer wanted to discuss it or work it out so he sent the text.

[miss2017]

I think he wants a more submissive woman or at least one who doesn't like to argue. He realized that you two are just not compatible and he no longer wanted to discuss it or work it out so he sent the text.

 

Yes, agree. Better now than in 6 months or more.

 

Although this is hard for me. I wished we could have had a face-to-face conversation about things, but I guess is what you said, he no longer wants anything.

[ChatroomHero]

 

It's like it went from hot to luke-warm.

 

 

 

Well it did really. He saw the real you and it changed his perception of you being a perfect fit probably. He needs to see if he can deal with it. It doesn't mean you messed up, it just means the honeymoon phase wore off and maybe once his rose colored glasses were gone, he realized he has to decide if he can deal with the bad side.

 

 

If he was in a relationship where his ex acted/reacted like you, that plays bigger too. Based on past relationships I won't date a woman that is between jobs, recently changed jobs or doesn't work a good deal. I also won't date a woman that never has money. Now these women may be awesome, but from past experience for me it becomes a matter of financially supporting them and them expecting it. I may be wrong in my assessment of them, but based on experience I don't want to take that chance. So if his ex snapped all the time and made his life awful, if he sees any of that in you, that would cool him off right away.

 

 

It doesn't mean you can't get past it, it just means that he needs to figure out if the good outweighs the bad and that will take some time. Think of it from his perspective- He was probably really happy, completely into you, then the shoe dropped and you snapped. It sounds like you said something pretty bad and personal about him. At that point his trust in the situation was probably gone. Depending on what you said to him, I am sure the feeling is a friend wouldn't say that to me, let alone someone that supposedly loves me. You just have to give it time and see where it goes and accept that you threw a bucket of cold water on his fire and it had an effect.

[ExpatInItaly]

You just have to give it time and see where it goes and accept that you threw a bucket of cold water on his fire and it had an effect.

 

I think you may have missed the update that he has since broken up with her.

[kendahke]

Well, I want a man who the more he knows me, the more he becomes interested in me, not the other way around.

 

Then get your temper under control.

 

Having no self discipline becomes uninteresting really fast when you aim it willy nilly and expect guys to tolerate it. Any guy who has a healthy sense of himself isn't going to stay with anyone who thinks lashing out is fine and he should take it because that's how she is.