Author LiveKhaos Posted March 18, 2019 Author Posted March 18, 2019 This does not sound like you are her boyfriend. This sounds like you are her dirty little secret. Do her ex and family even know that you exist? According to her he does know. Idk if his family does but I do hang out with her and the child from time to time and the child does see display of affection.
Author LiveKhaos Posted March 18, 2019 Author Posted March 18, 2019 The unusually close relationship she still has with the ex and his extended family may not be as important as the fact that you're not a part of it. If this is to be such a huge part of her life and there's no place in it for you - then how is that going to work? If she had wanted you to come along with her that would have sent a different message but, I take it that was never even presented? That’s true. It was never presented as an option. And since I haven’t met him and anyone in his family, I wouldn’t have gone if it had been offered.
Turning point Posted March 18, 2019 Posted March 18, 2019 I haven’t met him and anyone in his family, I wouldn’t have gone if it had been offered. I also don't suspect you'd have gone. It does however illustrate the character of your dating relationship and where you potentially fit into her life. Rather than a central figure you appear to be a candidate for something on the perimeter. It's reasonable to assume you're unlikely to get promoted to from the role of an accessory. 2
Wallysbears Posted March 18, 2019 Posted March 18, 2019 How often do you actually see her if you live an hour apart and both have kids? I can’t imagine that it is all that frequent? Especially if you’ve never met her ex and have only seen her son a few times? Were you going to move closer to her?
Wallysbears Posted March 18, 2019 Posted March 18, 2019 And one of my friends has a very close relationship with her ex. They are both remarried and go on joint trips together with both sets of kids, have parties together, babysit for each other’s subsequent kids, etc. It is a great thing to see for their daughter together because she doesn’t deal with the animosity so often surrounding divorced families.
Author LiveKhaos Posted March 18, 2019 Author Posted March 18, 2019 How often do you actually see her if you live an hour apart and both have kids? I can’t imagine that it is all that frequent? Especially if you’ve never met her ex and have only seen her son a few times? Were you going to move closer to her? We see each other once or twice a week. But we’ll normally spend a night or two together and those entire days together as wel. Eventually we were going to move in together, whether she moved here or i there. We do take trips and try to spend as much time together as we can. And one of my friends has a very close relationship with her ex. They are both remarried and go on joint trips together with both sets of kids, have parties together, babysit for each other’s subsequent kids, etc. It is a great thing to see for their daughter together because she doesn’t deal with the animosity so often surrounding divorced families. Your friend and her situation seem to be an exception. That’s definitely not the norm. Not that it shouldn’t be, or it’s a bad thing. Definitely more power to them, but that particular situation wouldn’t be ideal for my kids. And although I’ve moved on, I wouldn’t want to “prance” her around my ex more than already needed. I am cautious of her feelings as well still. Because even though I’ve moved on, I could never be 100% sure she reallly has. I try to be considerate. But that does not mean I would hide her from my ex in any way.
Turning point Posted March 18, 2019 Posted March 18, 2019 They are both remarried and go on joint trips together with both sets of kids, have parties together, babysit for each other’s subsequent kids, etc. This has both balance and transparency which are acutely absent in the dating circumstance described by the OP. 3
kgcolonel Posted March 18, 2019 Posted March 18, 2019 Did you two discuss the sleeping arrangements? I realize this could have been a touchy topic but you said she was purchasing her own ticket, what about lodging? 1
elaine567 Posted March 18, 2019 Posted March 18, 2019 . I think I’m going to end it when she gets back. I do not think you have any other choice. She has no inherent respect for you. 2
Author LiveKhaos Posted March 18, 2019 Author Posted March 18, 2019 Did you two discuss the sleeping arrangements? I realize this could have been a touchy topic but you said she was purchasing her own ticket, what about lodging? I believe the ex and his family booked a large Airbnb where they all planned on staying in. I waited till she arrived got herself settled in before I asked her what her sleeping arrangements were. She told me she was staying in a room with her son. They’ve since switched Airbnb’s to another location and I haven’t asked. I mean she can tell me pretty much anything lol But she has not brought up the sleeping arrangements again.
Wallysbears Posted March 18, 2019 Posted March 18, 2019 You guys are just casually dating. Seeing someone 1-2x’s a week for a year is a relationship that really isn’t serious or going anywhere...especially with that you live an hour away from each other. And you may have thought you were moving towards moving in together, etc but how would that happen? Did you expect her to leave her kid’s primary area? Would you leave yours? What about jobs?
Author LiveKhaos Posted March 18, 2019 Author Posted March 18, 2019 (edited) You guys are just casually dating. Seeing someone 1-2x’s a week for a year is a relationship that really isn’t serious or going anywhere...especially with that you live an hour away from each other. And you may have thought you were moving towards moving in together, etc but how would that happen? Did you expect her to leave her kid’s primary area? Would you leave yours? What about jobs? I wouldn’t call it casual dating. When she would come over she’d spend 2-4 days at a time and the same when I went to see her. That’s a few days a week. More than some close distance relationships. An hour isn’t that far at all. Not because I’m trying to justify the status of the relationship, but because it really isn’t. At least for me. If there’s an issue or we need to see each other, it’s only an hour. I commute much further than that for work at times. She was open to possibly moving to where I live. But she recently purchased a home and at that point I knew she wouldn’t leave the area. Plus she was always worried about moving her child away from his father and family. Which I understand, but at the same time I’d basically have to do the same with my kids. Which didn’t seem all that fair since I felt like her situation was being given much more importance. Even though I have multiple kids. She did ask me to eventually move in with her. But I currently cannot. I own a business. It’s imperwtive I’m close at the moment. Until I’d find capable day to day operations help. So that was an issue. But something we both were willing to work through, with the intentions of eventually living together and starting a family. Edited March 18, 2019 by LiveKhaos
bathtub-row Posted March 18, 2019 Posted March 18, 2019 She seems to be in the habit of making moves unilaterally that impact you and the relationship. 1
anika99 Posted March 18, 2019 Posted March 18, 2019 She also told me in the beginning not to feel threatened by her ex because they have a close relationship. It wasn’t until they went to the mall together and a carnival which she told me last minute and a few other events that I felt uneasy. Before we made it official, she also went with her ex, her mom and her son on a weekend vacation to the beach for her sons birthday. I felt uncomfortable, but her mom was going and this was very early on, before we were official. It seems this wouldn’t stop. At least for the next several years, or until she has another child. So really, you've known all along that she has this kind of relationship with her ex but you got involved with her anyways. Not saying you're feelings about this vacation are wrong but you have pulled a bit of a bait and switch on her. She was upfront about her ex, she has been on vacation with him since you met her and you knew it and pretended it was all okay. Now it's not okay. What you see is what you get and you saw this before you even became her official boyfriend.
Author LiveKhaos Posted March 18, 2019 Author Posted March 18, 2019 So really, you've known all along that she has this kind of relationship with her ex but you got involved with her anyways. Not saying you're feelings about this vacation are wrong but you have pulled a bit of a bait and switch on her. She was upfront about her ex, she has been on vacation with him since you met her and you knew it and pretended it was all okay. Now it's not okay. What you see is what you get and you saw this before you even became her official boyfriend. I didn’t know what “close” was until I saw them for myself. It’s not like she provided me with examples. I just thought they had a good understanding and a healthy co-parenting relationship. Also, there’s no way I would’ve imagined she’d take a whole vacation with him and his family. This was completely unexpected.
Author LiveKhaos Posted March 18, 2019 Author Posted March 18, 2019 When is she back? She comes back this Saturday. She texts me and I’m trying to pretend like everything is fine but I’m sure she can tell I’m upset. I want to wait till she gets back to end it because I don’t want to ruin her trip. Plus at that point anything could happen on the trip lol But idk if I can wait. I’m not very good at keeping how I truly feel about something locked away. I like to express myself.
Author LiveKhaos Posted March 18, 2019 Author Posted March 18, 2019 There is no reason to wait. So what if you ruin the vacation... she didn’t consider your feelings. She’s gonna sleep with him wether you end it or not. Ending it with you has no bearing on how she’s gonna interact with him. This is who she is - she only thinks of herself. That kind of person isn’t good relationship material. I hear what you’re saying. I mean I don’t think she’d purposely sleep with him. In a moment of weakness or the right circumstances, I think it’s debatable. To clarify, I never got the vibe that they were or are doing something sexual behind my back. I just feel like her ex and her son collectively are more of a priority than how I feel or ever will feel. And if you do love me as you say, you would be more considerate as to how I feel. She’s a good woman. She’s just a bit selfish in this regard.
kendahke Posted March 18, 2019 Posted March 18, 2019 You have to do what is right for you... if you can't live with someone who would go out of the country with their ex (and the child was going to be fine without her there--what was her ex going to do? Sex traffic the boy?), then you can't. It's how you're wired. Clearly, she has no problems letting the child be with his dad without her otherwise--I smell a rat here. There was no need for her to go along. I'm on good terms with my daughter's father, but I wouldn't invite myself along on a trip with his other children, especially with this lame excuse. 2
kendahke Posted March 18, 2019 Posted March 18, 2019 She also told me in the beginning not to feel threatened by her ex because they have a close relationship. It wasn’t until they went to the mall together and a carnival which she told me last minute and a few other events that I felt uneasy. Before we made it official, she also went with her ex, her mom and her son on a weekend vacation to the beach for her sons birthday. I felt uncomfortable, but her mom was going and this was very early on, before we were official. It seems this wouldn’t stop. At least for the next several years, or until she has another child. My dear, you and her don't have a relationship. She and her ex have one and she keeps you on the side for when he doesn't want to act right. 2
Wallysbears Posted March 18, 2019 Posted March 18, 2019 I truly think you had/have more invested in this then she does. Two people with kids a distance apart that don’t want to/can’t move closer to each other aren’t going to have a real future together. 1
Hopeful30 Posted March 18, 2019 Posted March 18, 2019 (edited) What concerns me most is she didn't consult with you. How can you make such a big decision without checking with your partner? This is a situation that any partner would not be happy about, did she ignore this and decide for herself anyways? Plus, the whole "child out of country for the first time" sounds like a big excuse. He's with his father and extended family, you are not needed there to make the trip "less scary". How long ago did she divorce this guy? How is their relationship in general? I agree with you, anything can happen and I would NOT be happy if my partner did that, esPEcially without asking me first. Way to make our relationship a priority.. If her son being out of the country was such a big concern, she could have just said "no" and not let her ex take him... Also, not to stereotype, but it's not uncommon for divorced couples to travel together to foreign countries and "pretend" they are still together so family doesn't ask questions. I had a friend who was engaged to a Latin man, only to find out he was already married and had two children. Basically he was leading a double life...and he took her to south america to introduce her to his family. They didn't say a word!! They knew their son was married with children and were okay with him bringing some other woman home.... not saying this is the case here, just saying it happens. Edited March 18, 2019 by Hopeful30 1
bathtub-row Posted March 18, 2019 Posted March 18, 2019 Her son is always going to be a priority but that doesn’t mean that overrides everything to do with the relationship. Either she’s got blinders on in this situation, or she’s just plain inconsiderate. 1
Author LiveKhaos Posted March 18, 2019 Author Posted March 18, 2019 What concerns me most is she didn't consult with you. How can you make such a big decision without checking with your partner? This is a situation that any partner would not be happy about, did she ignore this and decide for herself anyways? Plus, the whole "child out of country for the first time" sounds like a big excuse. He's with his father and extended family, you are not needed there to make the trip "less scary". How long ago did she divorce this guy? How is their relationship in general? I agree with you, anything can happen and I would NOT be happy if my partner did that, esPEcially without asking me first. Way to make our relationship a priority.. If her son being out of the country was such a big concern, she could have just said "no" and not let her ex take him... Also, not to stereotype, but it's not uncommon for divorced couples to travel together to foreign countries and "pretend" they are still together so family doesn't ask questions. I had a friend who was engaged to a Latin man, only to find out he was already married and had two children. Basically he was leading a double life...and he took her to south america to introduce her to his family. They didn't say a word!! They knew their son was married with children and were okay with him bringing some other woman home.... not saying this is the case here, just saying it happens. She just told me. When she told me I could tell she was trying to be considerate in her choice of words, but I was never given an option. I told her I wouldn’t prevent her from going even though I was not ok with it at all, because do the simple fact that I’d whe didn’t go, she may have resentment towards me in the future. That’d be worse. She said it’s not that she doesn’t trust him with her son on this trip, but that if something were to happen she would be there and not in another country helpless. I told her it sounded like an excuse and if she really felt like that then she could’ve waited to let him go until he was older or could come to terms with it. They’ve actually been divorced 4 years. But separated only a year in half. They did try to work it out after the divorce.
Author LiveKhaos Posted March 18, 2019 Author Posted March 18, 2019 Her son is always going to be a priority but that doesn’t mean that overrides everything to do with the relationship. Either she’s got blinders on in this situation, or she’s just plain inconsiderate. I think she has blinders on. She admitted she would t be ok with me doing the same as her, but she’s try to understand. I told her she’d never have to, because I’d never put her in that position. 1
Highndry Posted March 18, 2019 Posted March 18, 2019 This is completely unacceptable for a number of reasons. I would break up with her immediately. 3
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