My wife no longer feels the same way

[zouz71]

Sorry for what you are going through , I Know how it hurts because I've been on these boat before .

 

 

My marriage became rotten over the years until 2 years back we had an argument ( no shouting , no abuse , just an Argument ) and my wife just left the house and raised legal cases against me regarding custody and finances...

 

 

Six month back after i Won most of the cases I invited her to come back , and she did , and we are having a good life now .

 

 

 

 

Now going back to you there are facts now :

-Your wife is thinking about herself only irrespective if the cause is a new guy or just the selfish mind ...

 

 

 

 

-She knows you are a good dad , so she doesn't give a **** about kids .

 

 

-She seem to plan a better future the way she sees it .

 

 

 

 

 

 

My advise to you is :

 

 

- be very , very , very patient , don't expose any of your thoughts .

 

 

before we advise you better , please tell us about the financial aspects , the kids age and more details ....

[Nash82]

As you can see from many of the replies, women pull this kind of crap all the time. They are masters of deception and emotional dishonesty. They will string you along with lip service that sets a series of expectations which they have no intention of fulfilling and when the time is right they will blindside you in the most cowardly and confusing way imaginable, feeding you reasons that are inconsistent, irrational, and as apt to change as their wardrobe. It is very difficult to wrap your head around, particularly since you may never know the real reason she ended the relationship or just how long she was faking it, like a coward, without possessing the strength of character to discuss what had been troubling her prior to the "I'm not in love with you anymore" guillotine she springs on you nor the commitment necessary to work through the issues together.

 

I am commiserating with you because I can relate. You have my sympathy and empathy.

 

Having said that, you've made some grave mistakes in begging to get her back and in wanting to remain friends in hopes that that might rekindle things later. She fell out of love because she lost respect and attraction for you somewhere along the way and resorting to begging is only further lowering your value to her. Wanting to remain friends is ok if that's all you ever want to be to her, but it fails as a strategy to get her back as a romantic partner. Once you're in the friend zone, you're just another one of the girls to her (likely the least important one) and you may very well never get out of it.

 

For now, just commit to working on yourself and the areas of the relationship that you have identified as your own flaws and shortcomings. Becoming the best version of you that you can be is the only way to potentially win her back and even if you don't, you have at least made positive improvements to yourself that will help you on down the road someday.

 

Hang in there. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. The silver lining is that it does get easier as time goes on.

 

Thanks for the reply. I agree in many ways and have already stated on making myself better for me. It's damn hard to keep it together but it's early days. Tbf, I haven't been begging or even mentioned being friends after that first day (when emotions took over). Each time we've seen each other or messaged I've tried to keep it short and confident. We do have to remain in contact because of the girls and our money is so linked, but keeping it to just things that need to be dealt with.

[Nash82]

op, there is a reason so many of us jump to the affair conclusion and that is because so many of us have experienced the receiving end of behaviors similar to what your wife is exhibiting towards you. People don't generally up and move out of a somewhat difficult marriage without first arguing and fighting about it, especially with children involved. People DO generally leave all of that without warning if there is something to leave for.

 

A strong indicator that something isn't quite right is how she behaved toward you and then left so quickly. You didn't see it coming.

 

As I said, I feel horribly for anyone that has had to go through that. We've had plenty (and I mean plenty) of arguments. It's tough to see each other's situations over the internet, I didn't want to belittle the idea, I just know it's not that in this case. She sees the children nearly as much as when she lived here. They've barely realised she's gone.

[Nash82]

Sorry for what you are going through , I Know how it hurts because I've been on these boat before .

 

 

My marriage became rotten over the years until 2 years back we had an argument ( no shouting , no abuse , just an Argument ) and my wife just left the house and raised legal cases against me regarding custody and finances...

 

 

Six month back after i Won most of the cases I invited her to come back , and she did , and we are having a good life now .

 

 

 

 

Now going back to you there are facts now :

-Your wife is thinking about herself only irrespective if the cause is a new guy or just the selfish mind ...

 

 

 

 

-She knows you are a good dad , so she doesn't give a **** about kids .

 

 

-She seem to plan a better future the way she sees it .

 

 

 

 

 

 

My advise to you is :

 

 

- be very , very , very patient , don't expose any of your thoughts .

 

 

before we advise you better , please tell us about the financial aspects , the kids age and more details ....

Interesting thoughts. Thanks for sharing. Glad that things worked out for you.

 

I think your point about patience is key. It's just so damn hard to see her so distant right now. I know things are affecting her too (through comments her parents made a couple of days ago), but she's holding it back when talking to me.

 

The girls are nearly 12 and 15. Finance . . .ha. we don't own our house and all our money has been shared for ever. That's one of the reasons we have to remain in contact as all the money is so linked.

 

In terms of her future, for the meantime she's just going to live with her parents.

[loversquarrel]

You know your situation better than any of us do. The main reason most of us feel the need to tell you to be cautious is because most of us were in denial and couldn't see what was hiding in plain sight.

[preraph]

I would start with, "I didn't realize how much housework and chores you had to do before I had to do them myself." This truly is very often the thing that makes a woman just throw up her hands and leave, because it is about being taken for granted, it's about respect, it's about not caring enough to be sure you're doing your part, and it's about simple exhaustion! At some point, they think, one less person to wait on.

 

So I'd start there. Those other things likely depressed her, but it's the everyday stresses that break your back. Good luck.

[Nash82]

I would start with, "I didn't realize how much housework and chores you had to do before I had to do them myself." This truly is very often the thing that makes a woman just throw up her hands and leave, because it is about being taken for granted, it's about respect, it's about not caring enough to be sure you're doing your part, and it's about simple exhaustion! At some point, they think, one less person to wait on.

 

So I'd start there. Those other things likely depressed her, but it's the everyday stresses that break your back. Good luck.

 

I've pretty much said those exact words in my head time over. Especially as it's just me doing the housework now. I was a proper lazy ass and allowed her to take on the vast majority of the work.

[S2B]

So she got tired of the marriage... ok.

 

But what I could NEVER, ever imagine - why she left her kids with you?

 

Most decent Moms would never abandon a child!

 

She needs to be accountable for that!

 

There is more to the story and she owes you that info.

 

 

Have you offered her marriage counseling? I’d want to address with her why she thought it was ok to leave the kids.

[Nash82]

So she got tired of the marriage... ok.

 

But what I could NEVER, ever imagine - why she left her kids with you?

 

Most decent Moms would never abandon a child!

 

She needs to be accountable for that!

 

There is more to the story and she owes you that info.

 

 

Have you offered her marriage counseling? I’d want to address with her why she thought it was ok to leave the kids.

This is an interesting one that a couple have mentioned. Really odd to me. I'm not sure if it's a trans-Atlantic thing or something. Why would the mother leaving be worse than the father? We raised them equally. I probably did more if the running around to clubs etc if anything.

 

Plus, abandoned is the weirdest term. She's a couple of miles away. In the 16 days since she's been gone she has seen the girls over half of the days. I know some people whose jobs take them away from their kids as often as that. Just feels really odd (and insanely old fashioned) to look at things that way.

[S2B]

This is an interesting one that a couple have mentioned. Really odd to me. I'm not sure if it's a trans-Atlantic thing or something. Why would the mother leaving be worse than the father? We raised them equally. I probably did more if the running around to clubs etc if anything.

 

Plus, abandoned is the weirdest term. She's a couple of miles away. In the 16 days since she's been gone she has seen the girls over half of the days. I know some people whose jobs take them away from their kids as often as that. Just feels really odd (and insanely old fashioned) to look at things that way.

 

Because as a Mom, when I was raising my kids - I wanted them with me every day.

 

I didn’t compare you being with them. I was referring to the way she is participating! And you seem to want to defend her bad behavior.

 

A great Mom doesn’t willingly leave her kids! Ever!

 

So why are you defending her?

 

I commend you for doing a LOT for them... but kids need their Mom.

 

 

She has something lined up that is way more important than her kids!

 

Start finding out what that is!

 

 

Great parenting isn’t “old fashioned”... leaving a kid can scar them for life - it shouldn’t happen without a solid plan (like in a divorce decree) so that kids know they aren’t to be blamed and they know how to feel safe and loved.

[chryssy83]

I agree that it’s hard to imagine why a great mom would willingly decide to only see her kids “well over half” of the days instead of very day without something more going on. And yeah people do it for work but then it’s because it’s impossible because of logistics and they determine it’s ultimately what’s best for the family. They don’t just move a few miles away and then not see the kids so they can sit around alone.

 

Edited to add: I saw that you said this is about how much she was around anyway and your kids have barely noticed? Where the heck has she been? Does she really work that much?

Edited March 22, 2019 by chryssy83

[S2B]

Has she ever had a drinking or drug problem?

[Nash82]

Yeah. I guess we just see it differently. There are a number of things that are frustrating and confusing about all of this. Her situation with the children isn't one if them for me. The children haven't got an issue with everything as we talked to them about it all. Thinking back, my parents separated when I was younger and it wasn't a worry for me then either.

 

In terms of work, she finishes at 17.15. Would get home at about 18.00. Girls get up to bed a couple of hours later. That's what I meant by not seeing them much during school time. One daughter was poorly yesterday and off school so my wife took the day off to be with her.

[Nash82]

Has she ever had a drinking or drug problem?

 

No. Drink doesn't really agree with her stomach tbh. She'll have a beer or glass of wine every now and again, but not much more.

[Turning point]

This issue with the children is about the narrative. Right now, she gets to leave under the public appearance of normality. If she took the children with her then her actions require immediate accountability - everything changes.

 

OP,

This is why it matters - this is why you can't seem to get any answers about what is truly going on. If her reasons had real validity they could be expressed and change would be an acceptable process to resolve differences.

 

She's leaving while attempting to keep up appearances and the visual public image fully intact. That's patently dishonest - and the reason is till unknown.

 

If you were truly as lazy as you say, she would not have trusted you with the primary residence for the kids, even at age 12 and 15.

[zouz71]

Nash82 , There are few things that you need to understand as you are still in denial phase.

 

 

As I told you ,same thing happened to me and believe me if you don't take it properly , this will drive crazy , because she unless you realize few things she will lead you to self destruction.

 

 

No matter what you do , you will reach no where this way , you will end up being exhausted , doing chores by yourself all the time and the worse , she will use indirectly the kids to blame you , if this happen you will feel the worse.

 

 

My wife did the same as yours did,

No cheating involved , yet it is worse.

 

 

 

 

The situation is simple ,

She opted to delegate the kids responsibility on your shoulders and vist them to give them a hug ,

 

 

You need to flip the table otherwise you will become a single dad , buried with more than what you can handle physically emotionally and financially .

 

 

The first thing you need to stop doing is blaming and lashing yourself .

 

 

She decided to leave u and kids to teach u a lesson or leave for good for better opportunities even if living alone ,

 

 

Your wife lacks empathy , and you know it .

[zouz71]

Few quick questions :

 

-how big is your house?

-how lucky nag have she been out .

-how does she come home , by arranging u r not there ??

-where financial issues part of the issues?

-was consultancy suggested by any of u ? What happened ?

-does she earn more than you?

[zouz71]

This issue with the children is about the narrative. Right now, she gets to leave under the public appearance of normality. If she took the children with her then her actions require immediate accountability - everything changes.

 

OP,

This is why it matters - this is why you can't seem to get any answers about what is truly going on. If her reasons had real validity they could be expressed and change would be an acceptable process to resolve differences.

 

She's leaving while attempting to keep up appearances and the visual public image fully intact. That's patently dishonest - and the reason is till unknown.

 

If you were truly as lazy as you say, she would not have trusted you with the primary residence for the kids, even at age 12 and 15.

Nash is still in denial phase and he is caving because he doesn't want to admit of failing to please his wife ,

Normal behavior of a man and she is using it

[Nash82]

This issue with the children is about the narrative. Right now, she gets to leave under the public appearance of normality. If she took the children with her then her actions require immediate accountability - everything changes.

 

OP,

This is why it matters - this is why you can't seem to get any answers about what is truly going on. If her reasons had real validity they could be expressed and change would be an acceptable process to resolve differences.

 

She's leaving while attempting to keep up appearances and the visual public image fully intact. That's patently dishonest - and the reason is till unknown.

 

If you were truly as lazy as you say, she would not have trusted you with the primary residence for the kids, even at age 12 and 15.

Not sure I agree fully there, but understand where you're coming from. I was incredibly lazy in terms of listening to her and allowed her to do pretty much all the cleaning etc. However, I wasn't lazy with looking after the children. I probably was the main parent there if you had to pick between us.

 

She's not hugely hiding anything from people. As the reaction on here has shown, I'm not sure how her leaving keeps up appearances. Surely many will feel like many on here that she's horrible for leaving?

[Nash82]

Nash82 , There are few things that you need to understand as you are still in denial phase.

 

 

As I told you ,same thing happened to me and believe me if you don't take it properly , this will drive crazy , because she unless you realize few things she will lead you to self destruction.

 

 

No matter what you do , you will reach no where this way , you will end up being exhausted , doing chores by yourself all the time and the worse , she will use indirectly the kids to blame you , if this happen you will feel the worse.

 

 

My wife did the same as yours did,

No cheating involved , yet it is worse.

 

 

 

 

The situation is simple ,

She opted to delegate the kids responsibility on your shoulders and vist them to give them a hug ,

 

 

You need to flip the table otherwise you will become a single dad , buried with more than what you can handle physically emotionally and financially .

 

 

The first thing you need to stop doing is blaming and lashing yourself .

 

 

She decided to leave u and kids to teach u a lesson or leave for good for better opportunities even if living alone ,

 

 

Your wife lacks empathy , and you know it .

 

Thing is, I agree with most of that. She certainly lacks empathy. She would find it hard to use the kids against me though. I'm prepared for the single dad side of things. I was never incapable of doing housework, I just rarely did it. Plus, the girls are both old enough to help there.

[Nash82]

Few quick questions :

 

-how big is your house?

-how lucky nag have she been out .

-how does she come home , by arranging u r not there ??

-where financial issues part of the issues?

-was consultancy suggested by any of u ? What happened ?

-does she earn more than you?

 

- 3 bed. Not too big tbh.

- lucky nag?

- comes home by asking me if she can. I'm there every time so far.

- financial issues for sure. We rarely seem to have a lot of cash. Although, it'll be harder for both of us now. I look after all the money.

- I only suggested counselling on the very first emotional day. Since then we have had the 'conversation'

- I earn more. All our money gets put together though. It's going to be a nightmare to sort.

[preraph]

I've pretty much said those exact words in my head time over. Especially as it's just me doing the housework now. I was a proper lazy ass and allowed her to take on the vast majority of the work.

 

Convince her you now understand and have a whole new respect for her.

[Turning point]

She would find it hard to use the kids against me though. I'm prepared for the single dad side of things.

 

Sorry but you are dead wrong.

 

It won't matter if you're the greatest dad that ever lived because society at large still does not hold that belief as a possibility. Are you also prepared to take on the entire world's skepticism about men as parents and homemakers?

 

The media loves to tell people-interest stories about stay at home dads, but the truth is society is no more sincere about this proposition than you'd be when you tell a 5 year old "what a wonderful gift!" to that frog they gave you on father's day.

 

The problem of your wife's withholding might be nothing. On the other hand, there is an entire industry built around the identity of female victims. Without taking anything away from women who are truly abused or in need - the opportunity to exploit is very strong.

 

Can you name a single shelter or support agency for men that is not based on substance or alcohol abuse? I bet you could name at least 4 for women within 15 miles of you.

 

As other have suggested, be patient and focus on what you truly want but, don't be the next Pearl harbor by failing to believe anything different could be in the works.

Edited March 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[zouz71]

Nash , Get her back in the house and you leave , trust me ,

From all aspects this the norm in this situation

You will discover her intentions when u do this ,

If she is worth u will discover it and get back ,

If she is not u will be free , now you are giving her freedom rather than attaching her to her kids .

 

 

After you do that you immediately talk in private with her about kids arrangement , and choose your words

Be firm .

If you don't do that she will soon do one of two issues :

[Nash82]

The problem of your wife's withholding might be nothing. On the other hand, there is an entire industry built around the identity of female victims. Without taking anything away from women who are truly abused or in need - the opportunity to exploit is very strong.

 

Can you name a single shelter or support agency for men that is not based on substance or alcohol abuse? I bet you could name at least 4 for women within 15 miles of you.

 

As other have suggested, be patient and focus on what you truly want but, don't be the next Pearl harbor by failing to believe anything different could be in the works.

 

Definitely a difference between the States and UK then. I'm not saying things aren't still leaning towards the female, but it's not like you describe at all over here.

 

Patient is what I shall be though. Eyes are fully open.

Edited March 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator