Dealing with a non committal man or is it actually complicated?

[BaileyB]

So am I meant to never do what I want, and never live my full life.. and be restricted?

 

When this isn't even restricting me?

 

They are safe with their dads, and like I said I can have my son full time in the near future.

My youngest son will continue living with his dad (the other dad).

 

My friend, when you have young children, you lose the right for it to be about “what you want.” The best interest of your children should always come first.

 

Sure, they are living with their fathers and they are safe - that doesn’t mean that they don’t need or deserve to have their mother be present in their lives... and if you are living in the next state over with potential father #3, despite what you may say... you are not present in their lives.

 

With respect, you may be 27 but your reasoning here sounds more like a 17 year old... you may have made poor decisions in the past, but now is the time to wise up and make better decisions. We are unanimous in saying, moving to another state to live with another man is not a good decision.

 

Kids are smart. They know who they can trust. They know who packs their lunch for school, and who puts the bandaids on, and who goes to their band concerts, and who tucks them in at night. They know when their mother places her own needs first and when she puts a man ahead of them. They will know what your priorities are...

Edited March 17, 2019 by BaileyB

[basil67]

Why do you only see your children fortnightly?

[spiderowl]

I'm afraid this guy is quite happy only seeing you every so often. He does not want to be in a committed relationship with you. He has all sorts of excuses.

 

Pay attention to what he does, not what he says. He says he loves you - maybe he does - but not in a romantic 'I-want-to-live-with-you' kind of way. You are effectively a friend with benefits.

 

I can imagine you want to believe differently but he is quite clear and has shown no inclination to make this a committed relationship. I am sure you could find someone nearer to home and your children who would want commitment. Just dump this guy! He is not planning a future with you because he does not want to.

[Purepony]

Okay op.... everyone’s tried telling you the truth but look you obviously want validation for this situation you are

 

Here’s my take and I’m sorry if I’m blunt

 

The truth is.... ?

 

This guy doesn’t want you!!

 

He wants to keep you on the side and drop you off at home and I’ll tell you why, because any guy who wants to be with someone will take over payments on kids or do anything possible, trust me I’ve been there!

 

He’s making excuses left, right and even gets upset or annoyed when you bring it up because he already made it clear he doesn’t want to take over kids

 

I have my cars, my own place and make decent money and I might consider a change like that but it’s very very difficult especially if he has options since you make it seem like he’s a model with a lot of money

 

You both have gone through that phase already, I really think he’s just waiting for you to exit this relationship that only you see as two people who love each other.

 

Two people who love each other will be together no matter what

[Loveandshine19]

Okay op.... everyone’s tried telling you the truth but look you obviously want validation for this situation you are

 

 

Thanks, and I do appreciate the honesty. It just hurts so much.

I know I will never be able to end it with him.

 

Should I mention it to him, and have a straight forward conversation with him in regards to where he sees this relationship going?

Edited March 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[spiderowl]

If you can't end it with him, what will you do? Will you wait for him to end it? He may just string you along for ages and, meanwhile, you are missing the opportunity to meet other guys who could turn out to be everything you want.

 

He is not your controller.

[Purepony]

For what ?

He’s going to close you and string you along for another year

 

Just slowly fade and see if he even notices or cares if you really wanna do this slowly

[kendahke]

Your relationship is bigger in your mind than it is in his.

 

You and this guy are on completely different life paths at this moment in your lives...

[Loveandshine19]

Your relationship is bigger in your mind than it is in his.

 

You and this guy are on completely different life paths at this moment in your lives...

 

He says he loves me, he continues to be in this relationship.

Ok perhaps he doesn't want to end it because he doesn't want to be seen as "the bad guy" if he does.

 

OR maybe he really does genuinely love me, which I feel he does.. he says that he does too (I know it's just words).. BUT he has said he doesn't want this to end either..

 

It is complicated because of the kids and the circumstances.

[Wallysbears]

This guy doesn’t want a future with you because he can’t understand a woman that doesn’t want to be close to her kids.

 

There is literally nothing that I would choose over my child. You’re choosing a potential man over yours.

 

There is nothing less sexy or attractive about a woman than being a mediocre

mom.

 

Sorry.

[Purepony]

He says he loves me, he continues to be in this relationship.

Ok perhaps he doesn't want to end it because he doesn't want to be seen as "the bad guy" if he does.

 

OR maybe he really does genuinely love me, which I feel he does.. he says that he does too (I know it's just words).. BUT he has said he doesn't want this to end either..

 

It is complicated because of the kids and the circumstances.

 

 

 

Stop making excuses for him!! He’s just saying that to keep you around!!

[kendahke]

It really doesn't matter what their bio dad thinks about your new relationship: it's going to be about how much of your dragging they can tolerate from their friends and enemies and how much butt whippin' they're going to have to engage in because of something someone said about the known fact of your absence.

 

The thing about children: they grow up. They don't stay reasonably pleasant children--they are constantly navigating and traversing an emotional minefield with regards to their ever increasing understanding of the world, their place in it and how they aren't the center of it for everyone--everyone except their parents---and when their parent engages in "oh, yeah, honey, you're not the center of my world, either" behavior, it can have a really painful and impactful impression on them that can take years with a therapist to iron out.

 

So yeah, when you lay down and have children, you have to sacrifice a lot of selfish tendencies for their emotional well being.. The solution to that is to never have children in the first place. That ship has sailed for you in this lifetime, so if you want to be a old lady whose children makes time for her, focus on staying where you are and cultivating your relationship with your boys and getting your finances more solid without having to have a man underwrite you

 

At the end of the day, if he's putting you at arms length, for whatever reason, that means your relationship is not what you think it is--and it's more in your head than it is in his.

[kendahke]

He says he loves me...

 

or he loves the access to sex... because let's review here:

 

 

He's been living in another state for 4 months now

 

to only seeing him sometimes only twice a month.

 

He travels a lot for work internationally, so he isn't even home much himself.

 

Well I asked him a few times, if he sees me moving over there eventually..

 

My boyfriend's reply was "It's complicated, you have two kids.. you can't move state"

 

he won't talk through a plan with me about me moving over eventually..

 

He says, he doesn't want me living in a different state to the kids..

 

He also says his flatmate doesn't want couples living there (they both share the lease on their place) There is no end date to our long distance relationship right now, and it's making me anxious.

 

He keeps saying "what will people say and think if you move and say that you have kids in another state".

 

That's not a man who wants a full on day in/day out relationship with you. He likes the honeymoon stuff you have going on right now, but as long as he's doing nothing tangible to bring you two closer, this is only going on in your head. And as long as there is no talk on his end, there will be no moving to be with him.

 

Also, I don't blame his flatmate---that's his space too. Why should he share his living space with you? How about you get a place with your boyfriend once their lease is up? I'd be complaining, too if someone decided for me that they are going to live in my space.

[Loveandshine19]

or he loves the access to sex... because let's review here:

 

 

 

 

That's not a man who wants a full on day in/day out relationship with you. He likes the honeymoon stuff you have going on right now, but as long as he's doing nothing tangible to bring you two closer, this is only going on in your head. And as long as there is no talk on his end, there will be no moving to be with him.

 

Also, I don't blame his flatmate---that's his space too. Why should he share his living space with you? How about you get a place with your boyfriend once their lease is up? I'd be complaining, too if someone decided for me that they are going to live in my space.

 

It is in my head because nothing has been discussed. I am going to mention it in a gentle way when I see him in a couple of weeks (that is when I am seeing him next) due to work schedules.

 

To at least ask him where he sees this relationship going..

and hopefully have more clarity around how he feels.. and if he is willing to make this work somehow in the future.

[kendahke]

It is in my head because nothing has been discussed. I am going to mention it in a gentle way when I see him in a couple of weeks (that is when I am seeing him next) due to work schedules.

 

To at least ask him where he sees this relationship going..

and hopefully have more clarity around how he feels.. and if he is willing to make this work somehow in the future.

 

 

You already know, though--it's what you're fighting against in this thread that the rest of us can see clearly.

 

 

 

He's not going to have that conversation with you because he's already told you how things are going to go for the time being.

[Versacehottie]

So am I meant to never do what I want, and never live my full life.. and be restricted?

 

When this isn't even restricting me?

 

They are safe with their dads, and like I said I can have my son full time in the near future.

My youngest son will continue living with his dad (the other dad).

 

They are to two different dads.

 

Yes I f***d up in the past with my life decisions. I don't regret my kids at all, but yes I didn't make the wisest choices when I was younger.

 

Well I, honestly and respectfully, i think your guy is very worried that the choices you want to make now regarding him are more of the same. It seems impulsive and idk, clingy. It sounds like a huge mental responsibility to take a mom away from where her kids are and like he would lose respect for a woman who would do that and not see her as a potential future mom of his kids. just being honest.

 

I think he fears he would find himself in the same situation, i.e. you would get pregnant again with his child or figuratively as a step dad with heavy responsibility when your actions don't really seem like you take "care" with your children. Even the way you have it "sorted out" and say it will be the same amount of time, which frankly sounds like minimal effort in the wording of it and like they are a burden in your life. It's not attractive to someone who is considering a life partner, man or woman. That said, your guy doesn't sound like he is ready or willing in the least. He may have viewed your relationship as one with a shelf life not a forever thing. Also he may not have considered much more than the present moment and these decisions and discussions have him considering the future. It doesn't sound good tbh.

[Versacehottie]

It is complicated because of the kids and the circumstances.

 

This is troubled thinking.

 

I am going to turn it around and ask you OP, why do you find a guy who would see your kids as a complication and a drawback as an attractive partner?

 

You are a mom now and i wouldn't think you would find anyone who thinks of kids that way as an attractive partner for you.

[Calmandfocused]

Yes you are entitled to be happy in a relationship.

 

What you are not entitled to do is put your own needs above the care and welfare of your children.

 

I cannot believe as a mother you are thinking the way you are and disregarding the needs of your children. For a man who doesn’t really want to be with you and who doesn’t believe your a good parent.

 

I’m also wondering op whether you have a history of prioritising you over your sons. It’s very unusual for a loving mother to willingly hand over custody of their children to their fathers and have as little input as you do in their lives. I think there is much more to this story.

 

Everyone is telling you the same thing, yet you just keep justifying your desire to move away from your own children.

 

Why don’t you ask your oldest son in a year’s time? Look at his face when you tell him that you are moving him across states away from his father, his friends and his environment just because his mum wants to be with her boyfriend. Maybe that will give you a wake up call. Or maybe it won’t and he’ll resent you for the rest of his life.

 

Not only is their mother absent but she wants to rip her sons life apart for the sake of HER happiness. I feel very sorry for them.

[stillafool]

Then what the hell is this relationship! I don't want to end things with him, and he's expressed the same.

 

Again I will mention: he has no reason to use me, he could get any woman he wants / whenever he wants, yet he has been fully loyal to me and he says he loves me very much too.

 

Are you serious? He has told you he doesn't want to be a stepdad and you have children so what are you thinking? How do you expect this to work? The fact that he can get any woman he wants doesn't work well for you because it's only a matter of time. If I had kids and a man told me he didn't want them that would be the end because I would put my kids welfare first. Why don't you?

[BC1980]

You can't have a relationship with someone you see twice a month. You know this, which is why you want to move. But he doesn't want you to move to where he lives. Regardless of the reasons you can't move, he doesn't even want you to move there.

[Redhead14]

yes I didn't make the wisest choices when I was younger.

 

Loveandshine19, it looks like you aren't doing much to see that you make wiser/less selfish choices now. Your thought process is dripping with selfishness and short-sightedness.

 

You say he doesn't want to end it. He will . . . when it's convenient. Right now, you'll do until he finds the one he will make the leap for.

 

Were you married to either of your kids' fathers? Just curious. Either way, I think he's likely reading the writing on the wall. Two baby daddy's, not married. The man straight up, bang on told you he didn't want to be step-father. He gave you a list of reasons he doesn't want you to move there. They aren't excuses, they are reasons and a result of good reasoning skills.

Edited March 19, 2019 by Redhead14