elaine567 Posted March 16, 2019 Share Posted March 16, 2019 You are unemployed and you spent retirement funds on your mistress, what were you thinking? Madness. Meanwhile your poor wife was left to soldier on with the kids... no doubt worried sick you were going to keel over from your bad heart... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted March 16, 2019 Share Posted March 16, 2019 Are you sure your wife doesn't have her own Sue (Sam)? Or that she's at least fine with a more platonic partnership at this point because she's not feeling the connection either. Visiting you twice in three months, not to mention you moving away for three months for personal (not business) reasons, isn't something most wives who are happily married would be ok with. Starting a conversation with her about the situation might not come as such a big surprise to her as you think. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 16, 2019 Share Posted March 16, 2019 I guess it was sold as recovery and convalescence from a stressful few years... Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted March 16, 2019 Share Posted March 16, 2019 I think if my husband wanted to convalesce far away from me I might have an issue - unless I was also happy for the distance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted March 16, 2019 Share Posted March 16, 2019 Remember OP's been in this affair for 2 years and his behavior at home probably reflects this. Maybe his wife just wants a break from her husband acting like an a$$ for no apparent reason... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted March 17, 2019 Share Posted March 17, 2019 Yes, I am married and I have had an affair for the past 2 years. I am not proud of it, and I feel guilty every day. I always have to chuckle when I read this claim made by cheaters. You've been living a DOUBLE life for 2 years, so it's hard to believe that guilt (or substantial guilt) even enters the picture. If it does, it's so inconsequential that it's allowed you to have your fun for 2 years. She never has, or ever will, ask me to leave my family for her. She respects my life and marriage.LOL. If these are the actions of someone who respects your marriage, I'd hate to see the actions of one who doesn't. Let alone "if" I left my wife and brought Sue to a family function down the line, there is no way my family would EVER accept her. She would only be known as the woman who wrecked my marriage. But that's who she IS. Well, both you AND her were instrumental in the ruin of your marriage. How can I go back to my regular life now? Do you know the true meaning of SELFISHNESS? Because you epitomize it. Hear me out. Every single THING you've done and are doing is to benefit yourself. You had your affair to benefit YOU. You're coming back to your family because you don't want to be without your kids to benefit YOU. You'll likely continue lying about your affair forever - like you've done for the past 2 years - to benefit YOU. It's all about what benefits YOU. Do you honestly think your wife wants to be married to someone whose lied every single damn day to her face for the last 2 years? Do you think she wants to be married to someone who lays in another woman's bed proclaiming his love to her and wishing his life could be different? Do you think she wants to be your consolation prize because you had to break up with your 'soul mate?' Do you think your wife wants to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to her but is PRETENDING he wants to be so he doesn't lose access to his kids? You've already established that everything you do is in your own best interests. But how about just for ONCE actually doing something selfless and showing your wife some decency and respect and being honest with her? Your utter selfishness in coming home and pretending everything is A-OK is basically deluding her into a farce of a marriage that she doesn't deserve! No one wants to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them! You're not doing her some big, grandiose favor with your presence! You are the epitome of selfishness. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted March 17, 2019 Share Posted March 17, 2019 A Starting a conversation with her about the situation might not come as such a big surprise to her as you think. My dad had his first heart attack in his 30's ( he has a genetic heart issue), and afterwards, he went to florida for a few months to recover. He stayed with his uncle, who had a home on the beach near St. Pete's. My mom was most defiantly not involved with anyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Doorstopper Posted March 17, 2019 Share Posted March 17, 2019 (edited) She doesn't want you to leave your wife because she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with you. Are you taking her out to dinner, spending your money on her and making her life easier? You are probably being used to fulfill her needs just as she is fulfilling your needs. Its not a commitment, because there isn't one. All the difficulties of a commitment are completely removed when you're together. When your apart, she has her commitments and you have yours. I have to say I'm still shaking my head at your comment that your wife spending half of your severance to improve and increase the value of your house somehow compares to you spending the other half to take a 3 month affair-cation. This has got to be one of the most self centered comments I have ever seen. Edited March 18, 2019 by Doorstopper 3 Link to post Share on other sites
40somethingGuy Posted March 18, 2019 Share Posted March 18, 2019 Sweet, Sweet women don't carry on affairs with known married men. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 Have you considered that maybe things with Sue is magical and pure joy because your wife is taking care of your kids, house, family and other responsibilities back home? Once you are on your own with Sue, with no one to watch your back, put your home in order (or maybe Sue can take over that role) you'll realise that things aren't that rosy afterall. Another poster commented above regarding your health issues that probably brought you face to face with your own mortality. I just recalled the song death cab for cutie and remembered the lyrics, "Love is watching someone die. So who's gonna to watch you die?" Who do you think is going to watch you die at the end of the day? Your wife who wanted the granite countertops for the family home, or Sue who you experienced "pure joy" with and able to belly laugh like never before for the past 20 years. Something to think about. Oh btw, if you haven't been able to belly laugh for the past 20 years, don't blame your wife for it. Try to find joy in the little blessings in life and perhaps lighten up a little. I pretty much belly laugh daily with my co-workers and best friend. You don't need someone magical or special for that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Who do you think is going to watch you die at the end of the day? Your wife who wanted the granite countertops for the family home, or Sue who you experienced "pure joy" with and able to belly laugh like never before for the past 20 years. Something to think about. Wow - put like that, it’s pretty stark. My H faced a similar choice some time back - did he want to spend his latter years with the (now ex-) wife, whose interests were spending money on bourgeois stuff around the house, or with the GF (now W) who laughed with him, loved with him, enjoyed spending time rather than money with him... and chose the latter. The OP may well choose the former - but it is a pretty brutal exposing of one’s core values and priorities in life. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Oh, this is a new one. A wife putting money into a family investment is the same as blowing money with a mistress on a vacation. And I thought I have heard it all. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 Wow - put like that, it’s pretty stark. The OP may well choose the former - but it is a pretty brutal exposing of one’s core values and priorities in life. The thing is he's not choosing just for himself, but his family as well. By cashing in his retirement savings, he is putting his whole family at a great financial risk. Not only that, if he had kept it and allowed it to grow, he could have used it for something really important, like helping his kids pay for post secondary education so they don't end up drowning in debt right after graduation. At least what his wife did is an investment in the future. These upgrades to the home can potentially increase its resale value. I hardly think his having an affair did the same:laugh: , and the fact that he even sees them as being comparable in any way, shape or form says a lot about his values, ethics and priorities. That's part of being an adult. Sometimes, you have to put other people first. I would hope the guy you married isn't as selfish as the op. Right now, the op doesn't seem to be capable of thinking of anyone besides himself. Even his "care" for his ow is selfish. Really, if this is the new him, I would suggest that he seek a divorce and not wait. Otherwise, who knows what other sorts of self centered crap he's going to pull on his family, all with the excuse of " I deserve to be happy". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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