How long should I wait for unemployed boyfriend?

[Mrs._December]

He has the money to get his own place if he wants to but he says he wont until he gets a job. He has it really good at home so i can see why he's reluctant to move although it means our relationship can't progress. Also pretty awkward having his parents around whenever I stay over.

He's lazy, apathetic, has zero ambition, and is completely unmotivated.

 

So big deal, he got a degree in Finance. It's not like he had anything else to do after high school but go to college. I'm sure he didn't have to work some God awful part time job at The Greasy Burger while attending college full time like most have to do if they want pocket money. I'm also willing to bet he likely doesn't have thousands of dollars in college loans to pay off for the next 15 years, either. I'm sure mommy and daddy financed him all through college so he never lacked for a thing and never had to suffer the indignity of ruining his manicure or roughing up his soft, lady-like hands washing dishes or frying burgers, like the commoners. Pfffft.

 

I have so little respect for lazy men with no ambition who think it's perfectly ok to let others support them while they sit on their dead asses making up excuses for why they can't find a job.

 

I don't blame you at ALL for losing respect for him.

 

Not.

At.

All.

[preraph]

I know a guy who didn't come from privilege but married a rich (inerited -she barely works either but does art at least) unconventional woman. I've known him as an acquaintance only for 40 years now, but I kind of avoid him now, though a friend of mine is still big friends with him (I knew they'd like each other).

 

So back when I first knew him, I thought he had great potential to really become a wealthy promoter. He would pay some has-been child star or something like that to come to town and have them do a little talk and charge people. Mainly people who just knew him would come. But I always thought, one day he'll book someone and have some success.

 

So 40 years later, he's still doing the same thing, and he never makes any real money. He has all these organizational promotion skills but he only wants to book people no one wants to see and be the weirdo on the block. If he'd use those skills to actually book acts someone wants to see, he'd be rich by now. But oh, well, he doesn't have to, because his wife is throwing her money away on this stuff.

 

He also does things like start "museums," which will really just be a rented booth somewhere, on some obsolete equipment. For an example equivalent because I don't want him to end up here, I'll say it could be something like a collection of remote controls from the 1980s. He just likes to get the writeup in the press, who think it's an actual museum, and then the museum goes away in a few months. I would tell you some of the actual ones, but don't want to draw him to the board. For guests, let's just say he might book the equivalent of the most minor character on Andy Griffith, like Goober, something like that.

 

Then the other basically scam he does is he'll contact actual musicians, like for example ones that are no longer in the band but used to be decades ago, and talk them into coming to town so he can meet them, and he'll convince them this presentation or talk or whatever will make them some money, but it doesn't because no one usually even knows about it except him and his few friends. He just does it to meet them and then go around saying he knows them. I hope someone sues the crap out of him someday. It's obnoxious.

 

So not sure about giving someone money who has never proven they know how to use it properly.

[ScotsGal]

His father made all the family money as a (very successful) chemical engineer, my boyfriend is looking for work in the finance industry... apparently his family can't help him out with connections at all. No family business for him to go into - for him it's either get a job or mooch off his parents money indefinitely

 

Thing is is it's impossible to make millions & millions as a chemical engineer. Now there are millionaires with chemical engineering degrees but their self made wealth came from investments, inventions, or being savvy businessmen. As is often the case with self made millionaires- investments, inventions, or business- like how a great-grandparent went from dirt poor to well over seven figures.

 

No offense.

 

Now the idea they've no finance related connections.

 

As someone who comes from a reasonable well off family and knows a number who are simply rich that to me is odd. As said you can't become a millionaire via a chemical engineering degree alone but investments, etc which require a good and often ongoing connection with the financial world. Even if the days of investing are over they should know people and if that's not your bfs field - let's say he wants to be a banker - a word here or there would get him a job at his parents bank for if they are so rich a bank manager would be doing handstands to keep them happy.

 

No offense.

 

 

No offense but you admit to never seeing this money. Now are we sure he's rich? Have you ever visited these other properties or just been told about them.

 

I ask as I have met people who barely have 2 cents to rub together who pretend to be rich. Drive fancy cars, hire a cleaner, etc. all for bragging rights among their peers or dates. Everything goes on credit cards. Or maybe those I've met were once rich and can't live without the once grandous style but all in all they are no longer rich.

[JuneL]

Warren Buffet has also said quite clearly that after he passes, his family will inherit a small amount of his wealth and the rest will be given to charitable foundations. He wanted to discourage his children/grandchildren from doing exactly what this young man is doing...

 

I don’t disagree with you June. He obviously has some skills if he earned a degree and worked for two years. Owning his own business may be the best option for him, if working for others is beneath him... it will take a consderable amount of hard work and commitment. Only time will tell if he has what it takes...

 

“Buffett is also leaving just a fraction of his estimated $65.4 billion to his children, The Washington Post reported in 2014: "Buffett's three kids each have a $2 billion foundation funded by Dear Old Dad. The rest of his money? Going to charity.”

—Sept 2016

 

$2 billion is indeed a small fraction of his total wealth.

Edited March 17, 2019 by JuneL

[JuneL]

Some good observations here. Was his father making serious money from some pharmaceutical company?

 

Also, he may well be spending his days trading his stock portfolio, instead of doing nothing.

 

I once worked at a prestigious banking/finance summer intern position in college. Lord and behold, most of the other interns there got their jobs through their parents connections; in fact, their parents planned and found them the summer positions well ahead of the summer. It’s not out of expectations at all that his peers got another job within a couple of weeks.

Edited March 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr. Lucky]

"Buffett's three kids each have a $2 billion foundation funded by Dear Old Dad.”

 

I hope they'll be able to get by.

 

Did they invite you to their vacation houses, or treat you to luxury stuff like expensive dinners or trips?

 

JuneL, how does the answer to this impact her decision to hang in there with an unemployed and unmotivated BF?

 

Mr. Lucky

[ScotsGal]

Some good observations here. Was his father making serious money from some pharmaceutical company?

 

The average salary to such a job is 100,000 meaning he'd have had to work 40 years for 4 million dollars. The OP implies they've large amounts of money.

 

Also he may well be spending his days trading his stock portfolio, instead of doing nothing.

 

I once worked at a prestigious banking/finance summer intern position in college. Lord and behold, most of the other interns there got their jobs through their parents connections; in fact, their parents planned and found them the summer positions well ahead of the summer. It’s not out of expectations at all that his peers got another job within a couple of weeks.

 

I grew up among wealth. Very wealthy and very affluent.

 

 

And though you are correct that kids can get jobs via their parents such doesn't need to be in a related field. Venues like yacht clubs , golf clubs, etc is where business happens not just the water cooler or lunch table. Such allows for people who may never say boo to one another any other day of the week due to conflicts and/or different career interact.

 

So if his parents had the ability and care to they could readily and easily find him a job among their associates.

[bathtub-row]

As strange as it may seem, I can kind of understand your bf’s perspective. He has a completely different mind-set than that of people who must work to pay the bills. He’s close to his family and they all seem to have a grand time together. Really, what’s so bad about that?

 

My guess is that his father may have one or more patents in his name because the kind of money you’re talking about doesn’t typically happen even with a high-paying job. Regardless, there seems to be no real fear about the money running out and your bf doesn’t act like a money-spending playboy. He obviously got through college and could earn a living if push came to shove. But I think the “real world”, as you call it, doesn’t resonate with him.

 

Overall, he sounds like a great guy and, if I were you, I’d stop judging him about this. He’ll most likely get bored with sitting around and will either take up golf or start his own company. Why does it matter as long as he’s happy? I’m sure he’ll find his niche someday.

[Gretchen12]

You are incompatible, so waiting will do you no good. You resent that he came from a well off family. That resentment of his past will always be there even when he gets a job.

He is not living off of you. You are not his mother. He is not hurting anyone. God gave each of us one life. Live your own life, don't tell others how to live their lives. If you lived in a communist country then yeah you can force him to work or else persecute him. But we live in a free society. You don't need to be judgemental or get angry to just say ok, it's incompatibility.

[JuneL]

I hope they'll be able to get by.

 

JuneL, how does the answer to this impact her decision to hang in there with an unemployed and unmotivated BF?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Since she mentioned her bf can be a little cheap with money sometimes and used the words “resent” and “envy” and described how she is struggling with gas money at the end of each month, I suspect the whole thing is not about someone being unemployed and unmotivated. I think if her bf’s family was more generous to her with their resources, she wouldn’t be so judgmental.

Edited March 17, 2019 by JuneL

[BabyLayla]

 

No offense.

Haha, no offense taken.

 

To clarify, he's a millionaire with a chemical engineering degree, who worked in the chemical engineering field. He was quite high up a prestigious organization, he probably made a number of smart business and investment moves too. I know he didn't have much growing up so he's first generation wealth.

 

As for the lack of connections, he retired over 10 years ago so I think that may have something to do with it. You're right about the bank - the job my boyfriend quit was at the private wealth bank his parents bank with so I assume he his dad pulled some stings to get him in there. They were supportive of him quitting because his job required him to work strange and long hours.

 

When I said I don't see the money, I meant none of it comes my way which I'm completely okay with. If he offered to help me out financially, I'd decline. It's quite clear that the money exists though. My boyfriend and his 2 siblings are all set for life in terms of trust funds and inherited stocks and investments. They all went to private boarding schools and their parents paid their uni tuition and residency fees in full, he was never required to work during his studies which I have no problem with, I don't see this as a negative thing at all. I've visited two of their four holiday homes..I've also met people struggling financially, pretending to be rich. He's certainly not one of them.

Edited March 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BabyLayla]

Since she mentioned her bf can be a little cheap with money sometimes and used the words “resent” and “envy” and described how she is struggling with gas money at the end of each month, I suspect the whole thing is not about someone being unemployed and unmotivated. I think if her bf’s family was more generous to her with their resources, she wouldn’t be so judgmental.

No, this really is about him being unemployed and unmotivated. It's also about respect. I'm no stranger to battling financially but I get by fine by myself, as I have been since I was 18. I've dated other men who made their own wealth or came from wealthy families, feelings of resentment or envy didn't come up as they were hard working and ambitious. They used their inherited fortune as a stepping stone to achievement, not as a means to do nothing and have no responsibility. When I met my boyfriend he was the same, he worked hard and didn't rely completely on his parents. A few months into dating he decided to quit his job, thinking he'd find better employment in a month or two. A year later he's still unemployed and I'm here asking for advice.

 

My boyfriend claims he wants to work, earn his own money, move out etc but he's not doing all that much to get there. He gets excited when he lands an interview but then so, so disheartened when he doesn't get the job. I know I can't wait forever but I don't know what to do or tell him, I've never been in a situation like this before.

[JuneL]

Again, I think you should break up now. I really don’t see any point to drag this any longer, given how you wrote about him.

 

And thank him for inviting over to his vacation houses, which some of us who don’t have a rich boyfriend may resent and envy ;-)

Edited March 17, 2019 by JuneL

[Mr. Lucky]

I know I can't wait forever but I don't know what to do or tell him, I've never been in a situation like this before.

 

Don't think there's anything for you to do, it's his challenge. And I'd tell him exactly how you feel. You date to judge compatibility and you're getting a pretty clear view of his approach to this part of his life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ScotsGal]

 

Your responses so far have raised my eyebrows for as said I was raised in a reasonably well off family, grew up around wealth, & this one is no different. Again no offense.

 

But you say that the father made money back in the day & is retired. So? Has he become a recluse? Is he living in an entirely different country than where he worked? Did he do something bad (e.g. ruin his career & be forced to resign) that means no one wants to be bothered with him least they ruin their own reputation? No offense.

 

Because the term "retired" doesn't mean totally out of the loop with wealth - there's plenty of retirees at the invite/recommendation only yacht club (not a public yacht club for anyone & everyone) I take my grandmother to or attend with aunt/uncle & if you really think they don't talk business, connections, even ask favours, etc. at this yacht club (or similarly private golf clubs, etc.) you'd be in for the shock of your life. No offense.

 

 

 

Now I wanna be blunt and I don't mean to offend. But I rather doubt your boyfriend is rich. Why? Because what I know of the rich, and I know some rather (as in their own private very expensive helicopter as example) rich people, your story doesn't add up correctly. It's more like 2 + 4 = 9.

 

Saying he went to private boarding school doesn't mean he's rich - middle class families do that and even, depending on where & fees, children from poorer families can potentially do the same.

 

Saying that his university & residency was paid in full doesn't mean he's rich - middle class families do that (even kids from poorer families can if they work multiple reasonable-pay jobs) as university is typically paid by year (some universities will even allow for fragmented quarterly payments rather than all in one go) not in one giant sum. I know a number of middle class kids who, when all was said & done, had no student loans upon graduating as their fees were "paid in full".

 

Owning private summering homes doesn't mean he's rich either as there's plenty of people who bought properties in fantastic locations years to decades ago - a colleague I worked with could barely scrape together money for repairing her house & had three summering homes. Little cottages bought years before the market skyrocketed in the area.

 

 

 

By the way if you're getting "none of this money" ask yourself why you're bothering with this relationship?

 

If he has money, or not, he sounds immature for his age and his parents certainly don't hamper his lack of maturity or willingness to take responsibility. Like Mr. Lucky said he's got it made with so many people making excuses for him.

 

Btw your bf should be thankful actually as my closest friend's father, a very successful businessman who grew on what his father started (a man who came to the Americas with barely $15 to his name), would kick any of his sons to the curb & tell them to get a job sweeping floors if they acted like this boy is.

Edited March 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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