Turning point Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 I'm a parent who has been cheated on for a long time, and my spouse though not physically abusive on my person was selfish and abusive in many other ways. I'm divorcing now - but, that wasn't what was necessary prior to me being able to change my situation. Trust your mother. For a long time, my greatest joy was my child's ignorance about their other parent, my greatest challenge to be there for each of them as they lost that ignorance, my greatest strength to defend them, and greatest task to show them a better way to be and to love. I had to do all of this without enjoining them in my own struggle, without allowing them to sacrifice anything of themselves or their own future. Each of them had their own struggle with the other parent, their own pain to work through. They needed real and honest love - and they weren't going to find it in the other parent, I stayed right where I could be a daily example. I'm inclined to believe your mother already knows. I think you've also known for a while now that things didn't add up, which is why you sought your father's messages and that's okay. I think your mother is probably as equally burdened as you are - and neither of you is currently aware of how much compassion you have for each other. Find a professional who can help you reconnect with your mother in a place where this new found honesty can be shared. The important thing isn't what your mom knows about her husband - it's the intention she holds for you. You each have a chance to put your respective burdens downs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 Thanks for replying. I'm afraid of my dad. I don't have the courage to speak to him, and I don't know whether he'll deny and would he be aggressive or violent toward me or my mom. I'm afraid of a major change, like divorce. The problem is, everything's kind of going on fine, although he's a cheater, he is good at hiding it and my mom is still happy with him (I think). My mom doesn't want to be alone. Also, they have many assets together. I don't know what would happen to the jointly owned home, what if he decides to continue living there and brings the other woman (I think that would be the worst thing). Also, my mom is financially independent but needs the home for job. What if he challenges me to tell my mom and she doesn't believe in me. What if he tells me he'll stop if I don't tell, but then he doesn't stop but just gets smarter at hiding it from me. all the more reason to tell your mother. and don't be surprised if she already knows. i knew. i knew for way longer then my husband knew i knew. and i used the time to seek out legal advice. he got to ALL of our money and our safety deposit box before i did. but i went into his office on the daily and photocopied ever single piece of paper he had in there, then i put them back exactly the way i found them. i went thru the credit card bills and the phone bills. my my. you mother needs to be prepared. you must help her. any other action is self serving. you want to stick you head in the sand? your head might be next to your moms in there. she's got to face that you know and you might have to face that she might want you to butt out of her marriage. she may be quite happy that daddy's gettin it somewhere else. less work for mommy. she may not want to change a thing. either way, after she has all the facts she might not want her husband to "know she knows" and you will have to keep her secret. after that, get on with you life and leave the adults to deal with their own marriage. none of this is your fault. read that again. and again. e.n. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 I completely and totally disagree with this. You are their SON, not their marriage counselor. This is NOT your problem to handle. you are the child, they are the adults. I hope you can find another trusted adult to speak to and help you navigate this. This is NOT your burden to carry and I'm really angry at your parents right now. No child (even though you are technically an adult) should ever have to be in the middle of parents marriage issues. I agree.. as someone who DID tell my Step Mom on my Dad about his affair I can attest to the damaging effects it had on my relationship. The last place a child should be is in between their 2 parents, this is too much for a child to carry and belongs with an adult. Don't tell your Mom... Although the chances are your Mom already either knows or suspects something.. My Step Mom knew but when my Dad found out I told her he brought down the wrath on me like no other time. I say the very most you should do would be to tell an adult family member, at least the burden would be off your shoulders and onto theirs... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 I think your mother is probably as equally burdened as you are - and neither of you is currently aware of how much compassion you have for each other. Find a professional who can help you reconnect with your mother in a place where this new found honesty can be shared. The important thing isn't what your mom knows about her husband - it's the intention she holds for you. You each have a chance to put your respective burdens downs. Beautifully said. I have an 18-year-old daughter, and I would hate for her to carry a burden such as this. She has enough to worry about simply with becoming an adult. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 (edited) My Step Mom knew but when my Dad found out I told her he brought down the wrath on me like no other time. This is wholly on your Dad, there' no mistake here by you. The better man regardless of age was you - not your Dad. It's unfortunate if you didn't have good support at that time but, it was still very brave and compassionate to have told. Their is a patent lack of integrity in any adult that expects their child to remain silently complicit in such egregious deception of the other parent or step parent. What stands out to me as a parent is that you were struggling with this and your Dad was oblivious. Your Dad valued preservation of his exploits more than your welfare and emotional well being. The desire to tell your step mother means you already understood the selfish and shallow nature of how your Dad was relating to you both at that time. Whatever relationship you have with your Dad now is the more honest and safe version. Painful as it is may have been, I think you established a healthy boundary with your Dad. To overlook the value of you standing up for your own principals would be the greater mistake. Edited March 12, 2019 by Turning point 1 Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 You were completely out of line to download and snoop into your dad's private messages. None of this is any of your business and I think you should butt out. I think it's likely your mother already knows, or at least suspects. She's an adult and can handle this on her own, without your interference. Why were you snooping? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 You were completely out of line to download and snoop into your dad's private messages. None of this is any of your business and I think you should butt out. I think it's likely your mother already knows, or at least suspects. She's an adult and can handle this on her own, without your interference. Why were you snooping? Because its a 19 year old kid. And the snooping isn't the issue here. The infidelity is. Way to come down on someone struggling by blaming them. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 (edited) If they weren't snooping, they wouldn't even know about this. This isn't something they found out about accidentally -- it was intentional. They were obviously looking for something and I'm curious to know why. And I stand by my statement that this is between their mother and father and is none of their business. Edited March 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 (edited) The entire "well, if you weren't snooping" thing is no longer relevant. The information is known. You can't put the chicken back into the egg. Edited March 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 Whatever relationship you have with your Dad now is the more honest and safe version. Painful as it is may have been, I think you established a healthy boundary with your Dad. To overlook the value of you standing up for your own principals would be the greater mistake. Yeah, he threatened to kill me, seriously... Honesty and boundaries, no didn't know my Dad....it made it all worse not better. My Dad passed away about 5 or so years after that, he never gave up his AP. I should have left it alone, as a mid 50's man today I see that a 15,16 year old boy had no business being in between their marriage... Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 Be strong kithin. It is clear what is the right thing to do, so clear that it needs no clarification, rationalizations, sophistry, or fallacies to prop up the argument. If you do nothing you will regret it forever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 While it's all well and good to say kids shouldn't get dragged into their parent's relationship, well, you already know and you can't untiring that bell. If you feel like this is too much to carry, talk to a friend you really trust, a counselor at your school or in the community. Get their feedback. If your dad is anything like many of the men on here who have stepped out on their wives, I really question how serious he is.It sounds like it's not his first affair, and likley won't be his last. People like that tend not to change unless there is some huge epiphany of sorts, and I don't see that happening with your dad. Really, your dad isn't doing this just to your mom, he's hurting the whole family. It also sounds like he is just being who "he" is. You could talk to him. You could raise your concerns, but I really don't think it would make any difference. If you feel you need to, I say it's okay to break this news to your mom. At least that way, she could be prepared should your dad suddenly decide to call it quits on her, especially if he starts hiding assets from her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 (edited) If they weren't snooping, they wouldn't even know about this. This isn't something they found out about accidentally -- it was intentional. They were obviously looking for something and I'm curious to know why. And I stand by my statement that this is between their mother and father and is none of their business. It sure as shooting is the op's business. It's their family, and whatever affects the family affects them too...unless they can manage to keep the fallout from the affair from affecting their kids. I have yet to see a case of infidelity where it hasn't impacted the kid. Edited March 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing 3 Link to post Share on other sites
nittygritty Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 If you do nothing you will regret it forever. We don’t know the family dynamics. The Mother likely already knows that something is wrong and has chosen to live this way. It would be a bigger burden to carry if the Mother was unable to cope with the truth being out in the open and did something horrific like committed suicide. Which would still not be anyone else’s fault. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 (edited) Don't let fear and head in the sand wishful thinking drive your actions in life. You can do this kithin. Edited March 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 I strongly believe you need to speak to someone who knows your family dynamics, another trusted adult. No one out here can give you sound advice because we do not know how your mother or father will react. Another trusted adult in your life might be able to guide you more clearly (an aunt or uncle, perhaps? Someone who will be sympathetic to your mother's position.) Also, I would share this with your counselor on campus. Many times, the struggles that affect college students are related to family, relationships, etc. It is okay (and well-advised) for you to share this information with him/her. I am curious about your relationship with your father. Does you mother know how much you dislike your father? There was a reason you downloaded his messages. If you suspected, it is quite possible your mother also suspects and there is probably an honest conversation you can have with her that, without giving the exact details, will reflect how much she might already suspect and whether she wants to turn her life upside down because of this. I saw that you are also worried about how this would affect her financially. That will depend upon where you live. Hopefully, your mother has her own bank accounts and is protecting her income/assets already. Maybe this is how you approach the issue - from the perspective that you support every woman being financially independent. Being in college gives you a lot of insight into life that perhaps you were not exposed to at home, and there is nothing wrong with "sharing" these insights with your mother. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 On a related note, I just wanted to share that this hit me because the way I found out my husband was cheating on me with my best friend/neighbor (while I was 7-8 months pregnant with our youngest) was when my 5-year-old daughter told me she saw them "kissing, like in the movies." Even today, I am so mad at myself for confronting them. They accused her of misinterpreting what she saw, which made me even more angry - that they would deny what she clearly saw. I would not want to see this situation adversely affect you moving forward. Think about who that trusted adult might be who could help you navigate this situation. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
nittygritty Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 Don't let fear and head in the sand wishful thinking drive your actions in life. You can do this kithin. A similar situation actually happened to a boy that my daughter went to high school with during senior year. He had found out that his Dad was cheating on his Mom and told his Mom. A few days after he had told her, his Mom sent the boy a text telling him to call 911 and get an ambulance sent to their house and told him not to go in the house when he got home. His Mom had killed herself. If Kithin felt like Mom was strong enough to cope with finding out Dad was cheating on her, probably would have already told her. That isn’t the situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 I don’t understand killing your self because you’re being cheated on or killing your partner because of their cheating behavior either. People would rather die or go to jail for murder than live without the person? Really??? I welcomed being cheated on, not that I knew he was cheating but he probably was. He didn’t come home sometimes. That taught me how to live without him and to stop missing him when he wasn’t around. Just tell your mom. She’d probably prefer her pain to you being tortured by this hanging over your head one minute more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 (edited) Thanks for replying. I'm afraid of my dad. I don't have the courage to speak to him, and I don't know whether he'll deny and would he be aggressive or violent toward me or my mom. I'm afraid of a major change, like divorce. May I ask why you downloaded your dad's personal messages and read them all? What made you decide to invade his privacy? Now that you know (bet you wish you didn't snoop) you're in a tough place. Your mom emotionally can't handle the fallout and it's possible she knows on some level but has chosen not to react and pretend all is okay. You love your mom and are worried for her but please really really think about it before telling her. Once it's out, everything will change and affect everybody. You can't unsay it so be 100 percent sure and be prepared for life to totally change. Edited March 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 Just tell your mom. She’d probably prefer her pain to you being tortured by this hanging over your head one minute more. This is what I don't understand.. yes the Mom would be better off but the child would not... Having the child literally pick one parent and turn on the other is not a healthy thing or place for them to be in.. I guess it depends whose feelings/life are more important.. the Mom or the Child but both can't win in this scenario.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 People would rather die or go to jail for murder than live without the person? Really??? I don't think it's a matter of living without the person. It's living without the pain they caused you. (At least when it comes to suicide) Murder would just be about revenge. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 This is what I don't understand.. yes the Mom would be better off but the child would not... Having the child literally pick one parent and turn on the other is not a healthy thing or place for them to be in.. I guess it depends whose feelings/life are more important.. the Mom or the Child but both can't win in this scenario.. OP says they don’t like their dad and supports their mom so it seems they’ve already chosen sides, even before this discovery. I would think right now the child (young adult really) is carrying this for their mom to spare her but it’s not fair at all. This secret should be shared so OP doesn’t fret or feel guilty for keeping it from her any longer. It’s the truth. And I’m a big believer in honesty being the best policy. Keeping it a secret won’t make it any less true. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 I should have left it alone, as a mid 50's man today I see that a 15,16 year old boy had no business being in between their marriage... It sounds like as a mid 50's man you're more or less still in between their marriage? Simple case of perspective, I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 It sounds like as a mid 50's man you're more or less still in between their marriage? Simple case of perspective, I guess. Confused.. my Dad passed away 30+ years ago and Step Mom passed away 15 years ago... I went thru it as a teen.... I was 15 when I told my Step Mom my Dad was cheating on her Link to post Share on other sites
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