Hospitality

[alphamale]

both your seester and your ex need to be taken to a good psychiatrist

[vla1120]

I'm not happy about this, but it seems workable for now. I hope my sister will be cooperative. She does listen to my husband and obey him at times where she gives me resistance. I can also tell that Wife #4 is going to hold them accountable - she has little interest in catering to what she calls "ne'er-do-wells, sluggards, and wastrels."

 

It sounds like you have plenty of support and Wife #4 will go to bat, keeping order in the home. You are a very forgiving older sister (and ex.) Even if breaking up with the ex was your choice, many would not tolerate the ex dating their younger sister, let alone moving in with them. Finally, your sister's choices in her past are not your fault.

 

I hope it all goes well! Maybe this will be an opportunity for all of you to grow closer to one another.

[major_merrick]

You might have your husband add drug testing to the agreement, some cost-effective OTC products available...

 

 

I thought of adding drug testing, but I figured that might be a bit offensive...like I didn't trust her or something. Since they will be doing job interviews and most of those involve drug tests, I figure that issue is taken care of for me. At least for now. If they keep getting turned down for jobs, then a drug test might be in order. Based on how they act, I'm pretty sure both of them are clean these days. Thankfully, my sister (to my knowledge) was never into the hard stuff like I was. As a former user, I know the signs.

[whichwayisup]

My sister basically showed up, with only a phone call in advance. My husband is very fond of her, as she was a little kid when we were teenagers and he helped me take care of her. He's also her godfather, so he's protective. My ex comes along as part of the package. Same bed and all that.

 

My husband has indicated that he's having a conversation with someone he knows who has an apartment in a nearby small town. I hope that connection bears fruit, although I wouldn't wish my sister on any reasonable landlord. She pays late or fails to pay, is frequently unemployed, etc...

 

Is this why she and her gf were evicted? Fail to pay rent? She seems irresponsible and when things fall apart she expects others (aka you) to bail her out. Doesn't she have any other friends or family to stay with?

 

Put a time limit on this and make sure they understand the stay isn't long. You guys have a full house already, last thing you want is her to stay and not want to leave/move out.

[major_merrick]

I have always ended up bailing out my sister. I took custody of her when she was a teen when my mother was sent to prison. I raised her as well as I could, but it wasn't ideal because I had my own issues. She's never managed to get it together. When I had my own house, she lived with me for a while and there were so many issues I had to send her elsewhere. Now she's back. She's in her early 20's and still acts like 14. My ex is a decade older, and had her life going right years ago but has managed to mess it all up. My sister constantly chases older women, and then messes them up.

 

I hope my husband can straighten some things out, but I admit it isn't likely. My instinct is always to bail my sister out, but my life has other priorities at this point. I got her to adulthood, at some point she's got to succeed or fail on her own.

[major_merrick]

They've been here for less than two weeks, and I've already had it with our guests. My sister keeps arguing with me, and my ex keeps backing her up for a two-on-one fight. My husband is gone on business until tomorrow, and I haven't told him what's been going on because I don't want to drop it on him in a phone call. They have GOT to go.

 

The stress of it made me cry last night...and I don't cry easily. IDK how my sister turned out like this when I tried so hard to raise her right. The big problem - I just don't know where to send her! She messes up everything.

[Happy Lemming]

The big problem - I just don't know where to send her! She messes up everything.

 

She and her GF are adults, it is not your responsibility to find them a place to live. If you feel you have to provide accommodations for them, go buy them a week or two at a local motel and tell them they better get their act together and figure life out and quick, as they can't come back to the house and you aren't going to pay further rent on the motel room.

 

Major... you knew this was going to happen. You knew they were going to cause you angst. One or both of them hold a grudge against you and they are determined to make you miserable.

 

If you don't feel you have the authority to throw them out, right now. Then grab GF#1 & GF#2 and go to a nice hotel & stay there until your husband returns from his business trip. You are pregnant, the last thing you need is stress.

 

Let your sister and ex fight with Wife#1, as you won't be there to be her emotional punching bag.

[major_merrick]

Last night, I just hid in my bedroom. It's on the opposite end of the house, on another level, and behind two security doors. I'm left alone in there, which is helpful. If I didn't have a spot to retreat to, it would be worse.

 

Unfortunately, my GFs aren't much help in this. They like my sister a lot, and they are very friendly. They haven't exactly taken her side in this, but they haven't been totally on mine either. Wife #1 and #2, aren't much help. Wife #4 is good backup for me, but she's been busy doing stuff the last couple of days, and is coming home exhausted late at night.

 

I don't really have the authority to toss them out, and I don't really want to do that all of a sudden. But I'm thinking your motel idea is what I'm going to suggest to my husband.

 

I'm so emotionally torn on this one it is unreal. She's my sister, and the only family member I have left in this world. I shielded her when she was little, I got custody of her as a teenager, and did the best I could to get her to adulthood. I know I messed a lot of things up, but it should have turned out better than this. IDK what she can hold a grudge about - I can't change the crap that life threw at us.

[Happy Lemming]

Major... I feel so bad for you. You have to imprison yourself behind security doors to be safe in your own home.

 

At this point, I think you need to call your husband, explain the situation and tell them the two interlopers have to go. Your husband loves you, the child you have together and the one forthcoming. He wouldn't want you to be in distress.

 

Stop beating yourself up about your sister. She is an adult and she needs to grow up and make adult decisions. I was on my own at 18. I left home on my 18th birthday with just some clothes and not much else. I found an apartment, worked two jobs to make ends meet and put myself through college at night. There is no reason your sister can't do the same.

[major_merrick]

The security doors aren't there to protect me...just a fact of life. The level where my bedroom is doubles as a hardened shelter - bombproof, fireproof, tornado-proof, soundproof, etc... It is actually a comforting thing that I love about this house. In this case, it has made a handy retreat when they won't leave me alone.

 

My husband is scheduled to come back tomorrow afternoon. I'd rather not bother him when he needs to get sleep before a long drive. If I called him, I know he'd hit the road immediately, and then I'd worry that he would get in an accident. He's been in meetings all day and I know he's tired.

 

Like you, I left home at 17. I had to choose between college and protecting my sister, but I figured that I had a better chance if I left and made money. My parents divorced almost immediately, and my father left for good, so I felt better about my sister's situation until later on when my mother became a convicted sex offender. I took over parenting at that point....I think I was 22 or 23. I released her into the world when she turned 18 and got a girlfriend, and it has been hell ever since.

[Happy Lemming]

At this point, I think you need to disown your sister. You did your best, you are not responsible for her, and its time for her to sink or swim. Stop throwing her a life preserver. You do not need to be her safety net, if anything you are doing her more harm by "saving her" at this point. She'll never grow up and take responsibility for herself if she knows you'll bail her out each time she messes up and gets evicted.

 

My sister treated me poorly, one too many times. I haven't spoken to her in 25+ years and it has not affected my life one small bit. I don't really care if I ever see or speak to her again.

[major_merrick]

My husband ended up coming home earlier than expected at 3am. He took your suggestion, Lemming, and my sister and ex are now at an extended stay motel. We should have done it that way from the start.

 

And they didn't go quietly either. The ex made a fuss and got mouthy, and my sister did her usual whining and pleading. I feel bad about it, but at the same time I can't stand having someone in my house arguing with me constantly and stressing me out. I'm not going to disown my sister, but she seriously needs to get her life together, starting with picking better partners. Her girlfriends are usually the absolute worst.

[Happy Lemming]

I'm glad that they are gone...

 

Yes... I learned that lesson the hard way about house guests and helping people out by letting them stay with you. They don't appreciate it.

 

Yes... there is this old extended stay motel that was turned into apartments in town. They will rent by the week or month. The last time a friend asked me to allow him to move into my house, I purchased him a month at that complex. I told him the next day he needed to go door to door and take any job he could. Of course, he didn't and moved home to his mom & dad's house (far away). In the back of my mind, I knew he wasn't going to look for work and I didn't want to be stuck with him.

 

Of course the duo mouthed off & pleaded, they have a finite amount of time to find work, pay for themselves or be homeless. They'll figure it out.

 

I just glad you now have peace & quiet in your home.

[whichwayisup]

Make it clear to your sister that you love her and care for her deeply and would never intentionally hurt her but she needs to get her crap together and grow up/be an adult and if that means getting therapy then do it! Your sister is immature and has very unhealthy coping skills. That's NOT on you at all! She doesn't appreciate anything or anybody.

 

It bothers me that only one person had your back. Shame on your husband and girlfriends for not standing behind you on this from the get-go. You know her best and they need to respect your feelings and thoughts.

[major_merrick]

My husband had my back once he figured out what was going on. He still loves my sister like the little kid he cared for when we were in high school. He's been blind to what she's been like the last few years, but I think he gets it now. He is also extremely busy - this is just one issue out of many that he's got going on.

 

I made it clear to my sister that I still love her, but that she needs her own space and that's why we moved her out. She'll hate me for a few days and get over it. It is her pattern.

We're fortunate that we got this issue settled, as now we have another one. My husband went out shopping today and ended up in a wreck. His car is totaled, and his leg is broken. He's in for a painful few weeks, and I'm glad we don't have to deal with drama on top of it.

[pepperbird]

In your shoes, I would treat my sister and ex as non rent paying tenants. I don't mean you have to be rude or cool towards them, just that it would protect you if the try and pull a fast one on you.

 

Draft a document that is very clear, and explains exactly what the rules are and what will happen if it is not followed. You can also add an addenum that requires them to find gainful employment and pay "x" amount each by a certain set date. If they can't they agree that they will leave.

 

i would also have a lawyer take a quick look at it just to make sure it's all legal and leaves no wiggle room. Once it's ready, you can explain to your sister you just want to make sure both your rights are protected.