simplygirl Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 Hi guys, I'm new here and need some advice if I should break up or just deal with this guy differently. So in my past relationships I used to bottle up when I didn't like something, didn't say how I feel and want because my self-esteem was low and I had a fear of abandonment. I have done a lot of therapy and healing and have learned to speak up and love myself in life in general. So I started dating this guy about 5 months ago, and he seemed very caring and was putting a big effort. The thing is, after 2 months we had our first argument because he basically went from showing a lot of effort and caring to start treating me like an option for when he doesn't have anything else going on in his life. All he wanted was netflix and sex basically. So when I told him I don't like it or just want that, he had a big tantrum, like I'm a troublemaker and etc. So he basically broke up with me. We eventually got back together, and again he was VERY caring and making me a priority, and then when he got comfortable, again went back to treating me differently. Then again an argument when I said something, and he broke up again. This pattern already happened 3 times and I'm drained and sick of it. The last one was last week. When we got back together after last break-up, he said he was going to do this and that for me, and then didn't do anything. Again, when I mentioned that to him and told him I would like consistency from the person I'm with, he got pis*** off again, said that I want him to do everything on my rules and that he's not the person for me. The only "rule" I want is consistency, nothing else. A man that does what he says, that shows effort and care always, not only when is trying to lure me in again. He seems very selfish and only concerned about what he wants, and then I'm the problem because I speak up. Seriously, I'm confused and drained with all this.
alphamale Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 this pattern will go on forever and may turn into serious physical harm to yourself. DUMP THIS CHUMP 2
elaine567 Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 You are "confused", as the lovely guy who makes all the effort is the guy you want to date and is perceived by you to be the "real" him. You are frustrated as to why he can't be like that all the time. BUT the lazy guy who wants Netflix and sex and takes you for granted is the "real" him. You fell in love with a sham. 4
Curiousroxy86 Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 Let this guy go and dont get back with him anymore! Date other men. Going forward... You tell a man that's your boyfriend one time your deal breaking standard. One time. If he acts like a little biatch YOU break up with him or if he breaks up with you then you let his behind go. If he wants to get back with you then you can give him ONE last chance. Only one. No multiple chances. If he effs up again and come crawling his sorry carcass back to you then you need to have the lady balls to say no because he already showed you that he is not capable of resolving conflict and giving you what you need You have to act ruthlessly against guys who bring you nonsense like that and make room for the guys who will treat you better
alphamale Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 You have to act ruthlessly against guys who bring you nonsense like that and make room for the guys who will treat you better but a lot of girls don't want guys who treat them better
Normm Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 but a lot of girls don't want guys who treat them better Lots of people jump off of bridges too. Does that mean she should just follow other dysfunctional unhealthy behavior and do the same? 2
preraph Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 You are "confused", as the lovely guy who makes all the effort is the guy you want to date and is perceived by you to be the "real" him. You are frustrated as to why he can't be like that all the time. BUT the lazy guy who wants Netflix and sex and takes you for granted is the "real" him. You fell in love with a sham. ^That's it in a nutshell. Men and women will be on their best behavior (remember how you didn't want to speak up before?) to get what they want, but then they can't keep that up more than a couple of months usually. The longer you know a person, THAT is the real person. He just wants convenient sex, and that is about all it amounts to. Dump his lazy butt.
Author simplygirl Posted March 10, 2019 Author Posted March 10, 2019 Let this guy go and dont get back with him anymore! Date other men. Going forward... You tell a man that's your boyfriend one time your deal breaking standard. One time. If he acts like a little biatch YOU break up with him or if he breaks up with you then you let his behind go. If he wants to get back with you then you can give him ONE last chance. Only one. No multiple chances. If he effs up again and come crawling his sorry carcass back to you then you need to have the lady balls to say no because he already showed you that he is not capable of resolving conflict and giving you what you need You have to act ruthlessly against guys who bring you nonsense like that and make room for the guys who will treat you better Agree with you. I gave him more than one chance and he always ended up doing the same and also trying to make me feel bad for saying out loud I don't like it. Every time I talked to him it was with the intention to solve things, not to break up. But it always ends up with a break-up from him. Yes I do want a guy who treats me better (a lot better).
Author simplygirl Posted March 10, 2019 Author Posted March 10, 2019 You are "confused", as the lovely guy who makes all the effort is the guy you want to date and is perceived by you to be the "real" him. You are frustrated as to why he can't be like that all the time. BUT the lazy guy who wants Netflix and sex and takes you for granted is the "real" him. You fell in love with a sham. You hit the nail on the head. I saw the lovely guy and yes that's the guy I want to date. I just believed that was for real, but was just an act. Yes the real him is the lazy disconnected and selfish guy. I guess in reality I fell in love with the guy I want to date. I just need to go and find the real one now. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 (edited) but a lot of girls don't want guys who treat them better I think a lot of girls want the guy that they chose to treat them better. The a**holes women deal with now a days they tolerate not because they love the fact that he is a jerk. They love the guy for whatever they liked about him (attractive, was good to them at the beginning, confident, made them feel beautiful desirable by pursuing them, similarities, chemistry, the list goes on) And want that guy to be nicer more attentive more loving..which is pointless. Women need to realize that they have to find guys that treat them better than trying to get the guy they chose who clearly show otherwise to treat them better. Don't work that way. Edited March 10, 2019 by Curiousroxy86 1
d0nnivain Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 He is consistent. Every time you expect him to put in effort he pouts & breaks up with you. It's only been a 5 months & you have already broken up multiple times. All in all, this is not worth pursuing.
Author simplygirl Posted March 10, 2019 Author Posted March 10, 2019 He is consistent. Every time you expect him to put in effort he pouts & breaks up with you. It's only been a 5 months & you have already broken up multiple times. All in all, this is not worth pursuing. Well you made me laugh yes he is consistent I'll give you that Consistently playing with me the same game over and over again. Game over.
smackie9 Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 It's a no brainer here....breakup. You already communicated to him how you were seeing things, and he flipped out instead of listening to you. To me you called him out, and he knows he's busted and tried to divert. Send him, off the the curb.
Lotsgoingon Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 Apply that new confidence, sister. You're getting lost here ... you have the right to speak up ... and YOU should have broken up with him the first time he responded dismissively or rudely to your comment that you were not feeling prioritized. Break up right then and there! You don't want to do "explaining" on how you want to be treated in say, the first six months. Either you're a fit or you're not. People are on the best and most giving behavior in the first six months. If there is a problem now ... trust me, there will be problems later. The skill and habit you want to develop ... when you feel bad in a relationship, that's enough to signal a problem. Don't negotiate for basic self respect. If you're feeling Netflix and used, then you are being Netflixed and used! You think you're imagining this? Dump this guy--yesterday ... and the next time you run into a guy like this ... dump him immediately. This is not a close call. Dump and celebrate your further progress in your confidence. You want a guy who prioritizes you ... and makes you FEEL prioritized. 3
Gretchen12 Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 There was another thread that you may be interested in, some of the advice given there may help you as well. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/679254-he-seems-come-go-he-wants I think if you trust your own judgement and instincts, you can tell if the guy just manipulated you into having sex with him and never cared, or if he really fell in love with you but the problems pushed him away and he gave up. I do not know which is the case with your guy. Anyway, in either case it is pretty much over, unless you have been drama queen but you change and he is still interested to try again. If you were wrong, you can change. If he was wrong you can do nothing to change him. There are two extremes and most of the time the truth is somewhere in between. One extreme is that you were perfectly calm and he was a selfish manipulative jerk who schemed and pretended to care and lure you in for sex and use you. (actually these days men don't have to work that hard to get sex). The other extreme is that your "speaking up" came across as tantrums, he did fall in love but he felt you're never happy with him, you said things that hurt him, and at one point he shut down. There's this term "old battle axe" for the woman and "hen-pecked" for the man. Men really want to avoid women who lash out. In between the extremes, there are problems of perception. Sometimes the man being conflict avoidant, only sees the woman as demanding and controlling, without understanding the woman's point of view and his own failings. When she wants to communicate, he thinks she's picking on him. While the women call him selfish, he's got buddies telling him to grow a backbone so he adopts this "I don't care" attitude, which only makes the woman feel unloved. As trust further deteriorates, he only does things in response to the woman's "complaint", in order to appease and not "be in trouble" with her. You should maybe get insight from some male friends. If you only listen to women calling men jerks, you're only getting half the picture. Most importantly, use your own judgement. 1
Author simplygirl Posted March 10, 2019 Author Posted March 10, 2019 (edited) Thank you for your insight, very interesting. After we had our first argument and break-up, he said to me he is conflict avoidant. He actually assumed this. He assumed that his way of dealing with it is to run away. To be honest, I don't think it was just for sex, but I think he's not used to say out loud how he feels or what he wants, and he is shocked by me doing it. He prefers to pretend everything is fine even when it's not, then to speak up. And I was no drama queen, but the slighest thing I would speak up, he would take it as a personal attack immediately and the reaction was to break-up. And he would always made it look like I'm the troublemaker and he's a poor victim. He looked like a scared toddler most of the time. Edited March 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed
Gretchen12 Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 He looked like a scared toddler most of the time. Haha, well, you can't do much about this when you two have a personality clash. He was probably feeling like a toddler. I think because most children's earliest contacts are mostly with the mother, depending on how that first experience went with the opposite gender, a man can grow up to be very sensitive to female judgement. This type of man has a love hate relationship with women. He would go overboard to please her, then become resentful at any perceived criticism. I don't think he's right for you.
alphamale Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 how was he as a provider simplygirl? does he have a good job and make good money? does he contribute to the household expenses? does he buy you things and take your out to fancy schmancy restaurants? or is he a cheap-o?
Author simplygirl Posted March 10, 2019 Author Posted March 10, 2019 (edited) how was he as a provider simplygirl? does he have a good job and make good money? does he contribute to the household expenses? does he buy you things and take your out to fancy schmancy restaurants? or is he a cheap-o? That’s a very good question. We would spend 90% of the time in my house and only 10% in his. The only time he took me out to dinner was on our first date. The only time he cooked for me was on our third date. After that he never took me out again for dinner or anywhere. Meals together was either me cooking (didn’t happen many times but happened more than the only one time he cooked), order delivery meals (that he would pay most of the time), or very often he would grab some ready-made salads from the local grocery store. So yes he was a cheap-o, despite the fact he has a good job and said he makes good money. I have the feeling all he wanted was to do whatever he wants to do, then come home to me when he wants, for netflix, take-out and sex. Me on the other hand I love to go out to eat at restaurants, I love to go explore new places, visit things, do fun stuff together, etc. In other words, to live! We were at home most of the time, which I don’t think is normal. And yes I did tell him I wanted all those things, his response was ‘whatever’. Edited March 10, 2019 by simplygirl
preraph Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 You just have to face it: He's just not your guy.
Author simplygirl Posted March 10, 2019 Author Posted March 10, 2019 You just have to face it: He's just not your guy. I know he’s not.
alphamale Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 We were at home most of the time, which I don’t think is normal. And yes I did tell him I wanted all those things, his response was ‘whatever’. what a loser, you need to get rid of him yesterday
Interstellar Posted March 11, 2019 Posted March 11, 2019 All he wanted was netflix and sex basically. You say it like it’s a bad thing....I’m being sarcastic. On and off is a bad sign, it’s either you’re dating or not. Block and delete.
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