He seems to come and go as he wants

[pandagirl2018]

I've been dating this guy for some time now, and I've noticed this in the beginning of dating, but now it seems to be more evident.

 

In regards to seeing each other, I feel like he decides everything about when to see or not to see each other.

 

What I mean is, when we decided to become exclusive and in a commited relationship I was keen on opening my life and schedule in order to be with him, but I feel very often he doesn't do the same.

 

It's like he wants to meet me when he's free, but as soon as something else comes up, I'm not a priority anymore.

 

I mean, we don't have to be together all the time or every day, but sometimes is too much.

 

For example, there are weeks where he has something planned every night and we don't see each other for nearly a week (like this week for example).

 

It just makes me feel like I'm almost always available for him and he's not.

 

And no, he doesn't have anyone else, is just the way he is.

 

He also makes plans for going places with friends and doing sports stuff and etc, but doesn't plan anything in advance with me.

 

I've started doing something I don't like, which is becoming less available too. I've started to give excuses not to be with him, as I was starting to feel stupid for being available all the time.

 

I miss him terribly when I'm not with him, but if he's ok with being without seeing me for several days in a row, then I guess I should be fine too, right?

 

I don't like this feeling, makes me feel like I'm only like a friends with benefits, or something, as he comes here when he wants to sleep together.

 

But I also don't like to play games of having to be not available when I want to be with him.

 

I've never felt this before in my previous relationships. I've had a long-term relationship before, and although we both had jobs and separate lives, I always felt like I was a priority in his life and vice-versa. With this guy I don't feel that.

 

Any advice?

[Wallysbears]

I'd say he's not that into you. If he was, he would make you a priority.

[Mrs._December]

And no, he doesn't have anyone else, is just the way he is.

And that's exactly the way YOU should be, as well.

 

You're far too available, for starters.

 

I've started doing something I don't like, which is becoming less available too. I've started to give excuses not to be with him, as I was starting to feel stupid for being available all the time.

Get the book, "Why Men Love B*tches." It's NOT about being a b*tch at all, it's about your EXACT situation - women being too available to men and how that negatively affects them. What you're doing - purposely being less available just so you don't look desperate - just feels like game playing, right? Well, the book promotes having your own full life (just like your boyfriend has) and having a man complement your life, NOT be the center of it. There's a big difference!

 

She makes a lot of sense. Get the book. You won't be sorry.

[smackie9]

This is why we date/have relationships. To see if they have it for the long haul. This guy fails. And don't be one of those where you want to "FIX" him. Accept he is who he is, and you don't like it. This relationship sucks...kick him to the curb.

[pandagirl2018]

And that's exactly the way YOU should be, as well.

 

You're far too available, for starters.

 

Get the book, "Why Men Love B*tches." It's NOT about being a b*tch at all, it's about your EXACT situation - women being too available to men and how that negatively affects them. What you're doing - purposely being less available just so you don't look desperate - just feels like game playing, right? Well, the book promotes having your own full life (just like your boyfriend has) and having a man complement your life, NOT be the center of it. There's a big difference!

 

She makes a lot of sense. Get the book. You won't be sorry.

 

I have my own life. I have a job I love, I have friends, family, hobbies, etc.

 

But... if I'm in a relationship with someone, yes I make the person a priority and expect the same.

 

I guess the way I see it is, if we both make the other a priority then there's no such thing as "being too available for the other".

 

We're simply both available for each other NATURALLY.

 

I am emotionally and physically available. And I don't like to be with a man where I feel he doesn't value the fact I am available. Because I'm not desperate, I'm just normal!

 

And am starting to think I'm not the one in the wrong, but we're just not a match.

[pandagirl2018]

This is why we date/have relationships. To see if they have it for the long haul. This guy fails. And don't be one of those where you want to "FIX" him. Accept he is who he is, and you don't like it. This relationship sucks...kick him to the curb.

 

It does suck.

 

About a month ago he arranged with a friend to go to a lake for a weekend to do some water sports and said he wanted me to go too.

 

We ended up not going that weekend because the weather was horrible.

 

Now last week he told me he arranged again to go with the friend in 2 weeks time, and he wants me to go there and meet him just for lunch or for a few hours.

 

So suddenly I'm not allowed to go for the whole weekend? And he didn't even explained anything else to me, only communicated what he wants. I was stunned really.

[losangelena]

OP, did you ask what he meant by the above? I would be pretty turned off if I got disinvites to an event I was previously invited to, but if I were you, I’d be curious to know from him why.

 

Maybe you just didn’t mention it, but do you communicate with him that you don’t like the way he treats you?

[kendahke]

You've got a FWB with him, except you don't know that yet.

[pandagirl2018]

OP, did you ask what he meant by the above? I would be pretty turned off if I got disinvites to an event I was previously invited to, but if I were you, I’d be curious to know from him why.

 

Maybe you just didn’t mention it, but do you communicate with him that you don’t like the way he treats you?

 

I did communicate a few other times, not about this one in specific no. But yes next time we're together I'm going to ask him.

 

I think I'm just getting to know him and how he is. I would never do that to someone, disinvite someone like that and without any explanation.

[pandagirl2018]

You've got a FWB with him, except you don't know that yet.

 

Exactly what I feel. It feels like a FWB, something casual, not a serious relationship.

[kendahke]

I've been dating this guy for some time now, and I've noticed this in the beginning of dating, I feel like he decides everything about when to see or not to see each other.

 

In order to have him in your life, this is what to expect. That's how he conducts his dealings with you--on his schedule.

 

But... if I'm in a relationship with someone, yes I make the person a priority and expect the same. I guess the way I see it is, if we both make the other a priority then there's no such thing as "being too available for the other".

 

But this is you---it's not him. He doesn't see the need to make you a priority on your terms and having expectations of something that he's never shown you he's interested in being is a colossal waste of your youth. This guy is completely underperforming on the relationship tip and most likely because he doesn't want the obligation of relationship, just the benefits and so far, you've been happy to provide those on his schedule--so why should he change?

 

we're just not a match.

 

No, you aren't.

 

And when you make this clear to him, be prepared for him to break out the box of bandaids for this--when you need a tourniquet. He'll only offer temporary relief until you're lulled back into the stupor and he can continue being who he naturally is: which is someone who doesn't view you as a priority unless it's convenient for him. Now, if you want to hold onto that and try to make it work, it's your youth you'll never be able to reclaim.

[pandagirl2018]

In order to have him in your life, this is what to expect. That's how he conducts his dealings with you--on his schedule.

 

 

 

But this is you---it's not him. He doesn't see the need to make you a priority on your terms and having expectations of something that he's never shown you he's interested in being is a colossal waste of your youth. This guy is completely underperforming on the relationship tip and most likely because he doesn't want the obligation of relationship, just the benefits and so far, you've been happy to provide those on his schedule--so why should he change?

 

 

 

No, you aren't.

 

And when you make this clear to him, be prepared for him to break out the box of bandaids for this--when you need a tourniquet. He'll only offer temporary relief until you're lulled back into the stupor and he can continue being who he naturally is: which is someone who doesn't view you as a priority unless it's convenient for him. Now, if you want to hold onto that and try to make it work, it's your youth you'll never be able to reclaim.

 

Agree with you totally.

 

I don't feel this is about a lack of communication, I feel this is about not being a match and wanting different things.

 

I am making a bigger effort than he is and just doesn't feel right.

[losangelena]

I’d say break up with him, then. If you know you’re unhappy, and he’s not giving you what you want, then it’s time to give this guy the old heave-ho.

[pandagirl2018]

I’d say break up with him, then. If you know you’re unhappy, and he’s not giving you what you want, then it’s time to give this guy the old heave-ho.

 

I'm just trying to understand this before I get to that decision.

[smackie9]

I dated a guy for about a month and he was like this...I made the decision very quickly that this wasn't working for me. About a year and a half later he wanted to start seeing me again....nope.

[pandagirl2018]

I dated a guy for about a month and he was like this...I made the decision very quickly that this wasn't working for me. About a year and a half later he wanted to start seeing me again....nope.

 

Yeah, I don't think this kind of behaviour changes because is just how they are.

 

I know guys like this can even get married and still be like this, doing what they want as they want nor caring about the other part.

 

To me this is shocking, as is completely different from how I behave in a relationship.

[soyou]

I used to date a guy like this last year.

 

The most miserable "relationship" I have ever had.

 

1. I was never his priority

 

2. He could make plans with his friend but never with me

 

etc etc

 

Well, eventually I couldn't take it anymore and broke up with him. At the same moment I also came to have my confirmation that HE WAS NOT THAT INTO ME AS I WAS INTO HIM.

 

If somebody is into you, they could do anything to be with you. If anyone who doesnt do this, that person is not that much into you.

[smackie9]

 

If somebody is into you, they could do anything to be with you. If anyone who doesnt do this, that person is not that much into you.

 

 

This just common sense.

[alphamale]

it's better he is like this than the clingy type who wants to spend every last minute with you...

[pandagirl2018]

it's better he is like this than the clingy type who wants to spend every last minute with you...

 

Agree, wouldn't want that either.

 

But, the best thing is when you have a balance between both, and you feel valued and wanted even when not together.

[Gretchen12]

It's a mismatch. I was the "guy" you describe, well, maybe. So I would make plans to see him when I want to see him, not seeing him for a week doesn't bother me, I go travel solo sometimes, when I miss him I ask to see him even if we just saw each other the day before, if I already made plans with friends I won't cancel on them just because the bf wants to do something that day. In other words, he does not own my schedule, I am able to say no to him, but he is a priority, and I never left him. I guess that ex was not happy but never spoke up and just broke up with me. I felt if I had been a priority to him he would have spoken up to save the relationship. But he was unable to speak up because of a problem childhood. It's nobody's fault, just a mismatch.

[pandagirl2018]

It's a mismatch. I was the "guy" you describe, well, maybe. So I would make plans to see him when I want to see him, not seeing him for a week doesn't bother me, I go travel solo sometimes, when I miss him I ask to see him even if we just saw each other the day before, if I already made plans with friends I won't cancel on them just because the bf wants to do something that day. In other words, he does not own my schedule, I am able to say no to him, but he is a priority, and I never left him. I guess that ex was not happy but never spoke up and just broke up with me. I felt if I had been a priority to him he would have spoken up to save the relationship. But he was unable to speak up because of a problem childhood. It's nobody's fault, just a mismatch.

 

Well he clearly wasn't a priority to you, you treated him as a FWB, someone to be with at your convenience. Just as my guy is doing.

 

I agree he should have talked, but would that have made any difference to you?

 

In my case, he told me and tells me "I love you", and I guess that when you tell someone "I love you", it sets up the expectations of being a priority in that person's life.

[Gretchen12]

He was a priority to me but he does not own me. Maybe you understand? I will not drop everything to obey him when it is convenient for him. And actually there was no "benefit", so there he was no fwb.

[Gretchen12]

Anyway Pandagirl, you're already too angry to continue. So break up and everyone will be happy. You will be happy with your decision. And I fully agree with your decision.

[pandagirl2018]

He was a priority to me but he does not own me. Maybe you understand? I will not drop everything to obey him when it is convenient for him. And actually there was no "benefit", so there he was no fwb.

 

Did he ever ask you to drop everything to obey him? Did he ever say he owns you?

 

I'm not sure if you were not the one with childhood problems. I'm sorry I don't meant to pick up on you, but it seems you were emotionally unavailable. And probably the same with my guy.