Not sure after attempting the talk

[Tamfana]

If I were in her shoes I'd find it odd for the man I'm dating, exclusive with and sleeping with wants more of something at only 6 weeks. Actually, I'd be wary. Dating is to have fun and get to know someone over time. I'd expect that it takes months to know someone well enough to make any commitment more than exclusive dating.

[some_username1]

I don't get the allergy (women particularly) seem to have towards the words boyfriend/girlfriend. A few years ago before social media and dating apps you acted like boyfriend and girlfriend and after a few weeks confirmed you were by referring to your partner as such. There was none of these histrionics and people crumbling under the weight of a word ( ). Just symptomatic of the snowflake generation I guess where *everything* is a scary commitment, especially in the current era where it feels like a battle of 'who can care the least' in the early stages of dating.

 

If she is fearful of commitment after 3 months of acting like boyfriend and girlfriend then that isn't a good basis for optimism in my.book OP. Although it sounds like you need some leverage here. Her wariness to call herself your girlfriend currently has little consequence for her. Things are just the way she wants it and not really the way you want it. She may even be aware (as she must be by you breaking cover and telling her you want the relationship on a firmer footing) that she holds all the cards here and doesn't have to fear losing you.

 

So you need to gjve her the opportunity to experience life without you around. If it were me wouldn't run for the hills, I would take the next available opportunity to clarify what exactly you are if you aren't official. Not boyfriend/girlfriend...but not dating others? That seems weird to me because back in the day they were two sides of the same coin....or has the snowflake generation added in an extra layer of obfuscation where boyfriend and girlfriend means you announce your union on facebook and tell family and friends? Ugh, the semantics are pathetic.

 

So yeah, if it were me, I would be explaining to her that I like her a lot and would prefer to consider her my girlfriend but if she is not comfortable with that then thst is fine but it causes me to re-evaluate where this is going and as such I would be interested in seeing if there were others out there who might be a better 'investment' of my time. I would stress that it doesn't change the nsture of our arrangement just if she isn't my girlfriend then I don't owe her any sort of commitment of fidelity really and she is free to do the same. If it's meant to be it's meant to be. Let the cards fall as they may and dial back the feelings towards her.

[Curiousroxy86]

I don't get that we are exclusive but not boyfriend/girlfriend bullsh*t

[MaleIntuition]

I don't get that we are exclusive but not boyfriend/girlfriend bullsh*t

 

It’s really not that hard to understand. Multidating isn’t the norm in most cultures, and a lot of people - myself included - simply prefers to date one person at the time. By definition that’s dating exclusively; even after only a couple of dates. Three dates does not however a couple make.

 

From my humble snowflake perspective I believe it’s better to first build a relationship and then attach a label when you are already committed, instead of trying to force a commitment by attaching a label.

[some_username1]

It’s really not that hard to understand. Multidating isn’t the norm in most cultures, and a lot of people - myself included - simply prefers to date one person at the time. By definition that’s dating exclusively; even after only a couple of dates. Three dates does not however a couple make.

 

From my humble snowflake perspective I believe it’s better to first build a relationship and then attach a label when you are already committed, instead of trying to force a commitment by attaching a label.

 

No offence, but you make it sound like it involves exchanging rings and vows. Is the thought of being 'a couple' that earth shatteringly pressuring that people can't cope? This must be a younger generation thing under 30) because I've (thankfully) never experienced it. I'd most likely laugh if s girl told me that she felt too much pressure to consider herself my girlfriend.

 

Each to their own I guess but I really do struggle with the logic of "we're together, but we're not together together,

..clear?". Like, eh? is it supposed to be a nice way of saying "I want to keep this on the down low because if people find out it will blow my chances with the hot guy who lives on the same block"?

[Curiousroxy86]

It’s really not that hard to understand. Multidating isn’t the norm in most cultures, and a lot of people - myself included - simply prefers to date one person at the time. By definition that’s dating exclusively; even after only a couple of dates. Three dates does not however a couple make.

 

From my humble snowflake perspective I believe it’s better to first build a relationship and then attach a label when you are already committed, instead of trying to force a commitment by attaching a label.

 

I can see not multi dating after a couple of dates even I would focus on a guy that takes up both of my off days every week going on dates and calling everyday if he is consistent. naturally I would ignore all suitors even though he hasn't made me his girlfriend technically but that's because he is pretty much acting like a boyfriend without even saying. And nobody never said "hey we are exclusive right?". It just happened that way. What does happen is a guy say "I want a relationship/I want to make you my girlfriend...even words like "I don't want you dating anyone else I would think we are in a relationship still. I even get those who ever explicitly said they are boyfriend and girlfriend but they just both assumed at the same time because they clearly are only seeing each other

And they actually consider themselves boyfriend girlfriend in a relationship though never had the talk.

 

but I'm seeing an increase of people making clear distinctions like "we are exclusive but we not together" "we are exclusive but she is not my girlfriend"...now that's some weird new sh*t to me. And it honestly sounds like have my cake and eat it too honestly lol. Whether you multi date or not eventually focusing on one person naturally makes sense. Having the talk about what you are makes sense. Even Knowing what you are without even having the talk makes sense. But that distinction crap of we exclusive but not together/not in a relationship/not my boyfriend or girlfriend does not to make any sense to me.

 

I also agree that one should get to know someone before getting into a committed relationship. One date and becoming a girlfriend is not wise. I think it's reasonable to get to know someone to make sure there are no blaring red flags at max 3 months. Anything past that sounds like have my cake and eat it too. Oh I don't want you dating anyone else but I am still not sure if I want to be in a committed relationship with you? Which people can do what they want but I think people who want to be in a relationship with someone they like should not accept that bull past a reasonable timeline. Yes don't jump into relationship quickly but no don't get strung along past 3 months with a person who seems to be afraid of a relationship yet want me all to themselves. Wtf? 4 months to a year with someone that won't call you a girlfriend/boyfriend makes me want to vomit when that's time she/he (assumin wants the relationship) could have found someone else who wants that too.

[Iris The Butterfly]

I agree with Roxy. After 2.5 months it is reasonable when dating someone to want to know where you stand. If you brought up being exclusive and she hesitated after that amount of time, I'm sorry to say it doesn't look too good. All of my long term relationships began with the guy saying (around 2 months) "I don't want to see anyone else and I don't want you to either." Or something like it. I've had another ex come right out and say, "will you be my girlfriend?"

 

A month in, my current bf on his own said to me that HE deleted his dating app, didn't want to jeopardize what we have going, and my response was "I like you too, but I need a little more time to get to know you." I thought it was too soon, but appreciated that he brought it up and made it very clear where he stood. Within 2 months he asked again and I was ready and was able to tell him the same. I deleted my app, told him I'm not talking to or interested in anyone else and I was all in. He was very happy to hear that. Within three months he was referring to me in the third person as his "girlfriend". After that he started introducing me to other people as, "This is my girlfriend, LittleBridge." The label is not something I take lightly either. I don't call a guy I'm dating my boyfriend. I call him that months in once we have clearly established we are only dating each other and are 'official'.

 

I dated someone last year who refused to call me his girlfriend after 3 months of spending half the week together and dating 'exclusively' or so I thought, even spending holidays and my birthday together and meeting friends and family. Like you, he was stringing me along while he was still on the app. Cut the ties before 5 months and even that went on too long. I got the "I'm not ready for a relationship right now, I just got out of one." Translation: I've had a couple months to get to know you and I don't want to commit to being with you. Since YOU want to be 'official' and she doesn't (yet), I would suggest dating other women. You will find she will either not be ok with that or... if she's ok with that, you know the answer.

[MaleIntuition]

Exclusive is a verbal, logical agreement, not to date/and/or sleep with others, while a relationship also requires and or implies an emotional connection/bond and a larger commitment to resolve conflicts should they arise. Exclusive is the newer construct amongst the two and a necessary consequence of multidating.

 

Look, we’ve had this discussion many times before. And the only universal truth is that we simply don’t have a globally, common accepted definition of the terms; exclusive/couple/official couple and so forth.

 

I know this; and I give my advice based on the knowledge that we simply don’t know how the girl in question defines official.

 

You guys - on the other hand - take your own definition, assume that a complete stranger has the very same definition and then draw a conclusion based on said assumption. With other words: You are guessing. And in this case your guesses feeds into OPs anxiety which is contraproductive to OPs goals.

[Curiousroxy86]

stuttering on the possibilities of others will keep a person stuck in something they dont want

 

she may not know what official mean so im going to go along with this bs and maybe she will come around?

 

she possibly dont know what official mean. she possibly know full well what it means and dont want it with him. she possibly want it down the road. she possibly wont ever want it with him.

 

OP dont wait on a possibility. she can catch you as your moving if she want you.

Edited March 14, 2019 by Curiousroxy86

[some_username1]

stuttering on the possibilities of others will keep a person stuck in something they dont want

 

she may not know what official mean so im going to go along with this bs and maybe she will come around?

 

she possibly dont know what official mean. she possibly know full well what it means and dont want it with him. she possibly want it down the road. she possibly wont ever want it with him.

 

OP dont wait on a possibility. she can catch you as your moving if she want you.

 

Her understanding/reasons might not be black and white, but surely the situation is oretty black and white for the person who is all in. It's ultimately a rejection, temporary rejection perhaps (although how often do these "I'm not ready yet" situations ever have a happy ending?) but still rejection so I totally agree that the person then has to detach and keep their options open.

 

But honestly, it's very naive, imo, to believe that someone is afraid of being someone's partner because they don't fully understand the commitment or their interpretation is different. Occam's Razor suggests that they think they can do better and they are trying to keep Mr Right Now on ice while waiting for Mr Right. I would be confident that a trawl.of this board would find a lot of evidence to support that theory.

 

The alternatives are still hurting from a previous relationship, somewhere on the spectrum or yes, a misunderstanding about the amount of commitment but really, what does it matter- to me it would mean she is not all in. After a month, totally understandable, after 3? I'm probably wasting my time. At that point I only want people who are as interested in me as I am in them. I deserve nothing less. OP's mileage may vary of course but I would hope he values himself enough to at least take a step back and contemplate dating others while waiting for her to decide what or who she wants.

[Hopeful30]

Yup sounds like it. This isn't something you should be questioning, this is something you should take action on...if some guy I was dating said that to me, he would be kicked to the curb quickly. She's keeping her options open, and by now she should know if this is what she wants IMO. It would be wise this time around to stick with your expectations. She doesn't want to make it official...you know what to do.

 

I disagree. I think 2.5 months is very early to ask someone for a commitment. After all, how well do you know someone after 2 months of casual dating?

 

I've broken up with guys who asked for commitment this quickly. It's not that I wasn't interested, but they wanted a solid answer when I barely even knew them enough to make that decision. I didn't want to promise a commitment only later to find out they have a criminal history or mental illness. Then they start blaming you for being a horrible person because you "made a commitment" when, in reality, you had no idea what you were getting into. Like I said, 2 months isn't nearly enough time to commit to a person. Even after years of being together, couples learn new things about each other. Sometimes, this leads to divorce...and yet you're asking a woman to close off all her options after 2 months? I think she's being respectful by being honest about her uncertainty. She's being open about how she feels, if if you don't like that, it's not really her problem. She did her part by telling you the truth.

 

If you guys are truly compatible and benefit from each other, a relationship will naturally develop without you having to lock her in (which is annoying in my personal opinion).

Edited March 14, 2019 by Hopeful30

[smackie9]

I disagree. I think 2.5 months is very early to ask someone for a commitment. After all, how well do you know someone after 2 months of casual dating?

 

I've broken up with guys who asked for commitment this quickly. It's not that I wasn't interested, but they wanted a solid answer when I barely even knew them enough to make that decision. I didn't want to promise a commitment only later to find out they have a criminal history or mental illness. Then they start blaming you for being a horrible person because you "made a commitment" when, in reality, you had no idea what you were getting into. Like I said, 2 months isn't nearly enough time to commit to a person. Even after years of being together, couples learn new things about each other. Sometimes, this leads to divorce...and yet you're asking a woman to close off all her options after 2 months? I think she's being respectful by being honest about her uncertainty. She's being open about how she feels, if if you don't like that, it's not really her problem. She did her part by telling you the truth.

 

If you guys are truly compatible and benefit from each other, a relationship will naturally develop without you having to lock her in (which is annoying in my personal opinion).

It depends on the person TBH. Everyone has different expectations and dating styles...that's why dating can suck....just more confusion about what everyone wants or doesn't like.

[Curiousroxy86]

I disagree. I think 2.5 months is very early to ask someone for a commitment. After all, how well do you know someone after 2 months of casual dating?

 

in my opinion the problem with dating past that time frame is that your not really getting to know a person if your multi dating along the way though. when your not exclusively focusing on one person in the relationship yes you have more time to get to know them but its still outside of the intimacy. you still limited on what you will know. you more than likely are not going to be able to see how to handle real conflict with some suitor your dating if your also dating tom dick and harry. you are not going to know how they are in bed if your not the type to have sex before exclusivity. your not going to know how they are in their day to day life if your trying to fit him and your other suitors. the real get to know is after exclusivity.

 

so people take a chance with someone they like (assuming no immediate red flags) and then really get to know within the relationship and "should" take more time before getting married because thats the real commitment.

 

a boyfriend is nothing. breakup takes two seconds.

 

im with smackie its a compatibility thing.

 

at the end of the day you got to find someone thats fine with your timetable

[MaleIntuition]

in my opinion the problem with dating past that time frame is that your not really getting to know a person if your multi dating along the way though. when your not exclusively focusing on one person in the relationship yes you have more time to get to know them but its still outside of the intimacy. you still limited on what you will know. you more than likely are not going to be able to see how to handle real conflict with some suitor your dating if your also dating tom dick and harry. you are not going to know how they are in bed if your not the type to have sex before exclusivity. your not going to know how they are in their day to day life if your trying to fit him and your other suitors. the real get to know is after exclusivity.

 

so people take a chance with someone they like (assuming no immediate red flags) and then really get to know within the relationship and "should" take more time before getting married because thats the real commitment.

 

a boyfriend is nothing. breakup takes two seconds.

 

im with smackie its a compatibility thing.

 

at the end of the day you got to find someone thats fine with your timetable

In other words; a committed relationship for you has absolutely nothing to do with commitment.

 

Well, I wonder how we could solve that very problem you so eloquently outlined... perhaps if you where to date... exclusive..(?) for a while before calling it a committed relationship... hmm...

[SophieG]

Totally with @MaleIntuition and @Hopeful30 on that one.

 

It feel that 2.5 months is early for me to say : Yes, I'm ready to commit to that person and solve problems or issues should they arise and not get out of this as soon as things aren't perfect.

When I'm ready to call someone my boyfriend, to be in an official committed relationship, I need to have an idea of who that person is, the good, the bad and the ugly... something that won't happen in 2 months, since we're both still on our best behaviour. To me, there is a difference between dating exclusively and being boyfriend-girlfriend. At that point, I can see myself longterm with that person, and I will fight for my relationship.

 

So to the OP, I can understand her. Maybe have a talk with her to clarify the situation. My boyfriend and I told each other we deleted the apps 1 month in, and became exclusive (but already were) from that point. We became officially committed to one another 4 months later, after several difficult situations in both our lives that showed us who the other person truly was under stressful events.

If you can't get past the fact that she doesn't want to be your official girlfriend just yet, then it's up to you to make a decision.

[Curiousroxy86]

In other words; a committed relationship for you has absolutely nothing to do with commitment.

 

Well, I wonder how we could solve that very problem you so eloquently outlined... perhaps if you where to date... exclusive..(?) for a while before calling it a committed relationship... hmm...

 

Quite the contrary. When I think committed relationship I think I am entering into an exclusive monogamous relationship with the HOPES that it will last a life time. NOT A GUARENTEE!!! But in hopes that we are compatible and on the same page on the important things to create a good relationship that we both would want to last a lifetime. That's my idea of a committed relationship.

 

so what that would look is I'm focused on you as my boyfriend in hopes that you will eventually become my husband/life partner. Vice versa for you. So in 2-3 months We don't see any immediate red flags and We like each other enough we give exclusivity a shot. Because as mentioned there is only so much to know about a person in that time. I won't know if we are compatible for a lifetime unless we become exclusive. So we enter into a relationship with that in mind. in my eyes I'm committed as long as we remain compatible and we both focus on being monogamous, committed, and growing the relationship, treating each other right. If Those things remained aligned then we remain together. Simple as that. For me if we remained align in 2-3 years I am looking to be married to your behind (that's a reasonable time frame in my opinion to know if I want to spend the rest of my life with a person). For people who don't believe in that piece of paper then they just remain in an exclusive relationship. To me this sounds reasonably like commitment.

 

But because relationships are not marriage...you CAN end the relationship and no real issues outside of heartbreak comes along. To me that's a difference that makes it not as true as commitment as marriage is suppose to be. Which is why I said "a boyfriend is nothing" (meaning my finances are in tact, we didn't breakup a family, no one is depending on the other). No real commitment like it would be if it was divorce unless you chose to have kids, move in, take care of the other financially, or enter into a business before marriage.

 

Your view I think (forgive me if I'm wrong) is get to know the person exclusively after a few dates but not be in a relationship. At some point of time Both parties agree to be in a "committed relationship" which I guess commitment to you means on a more marriage/life partner level where both is dedicated to not breaking up because you spent so much time getting to know each other I guess? That part I'm not clear what your definition of commitment is after being exclusive but no relationship.

 

my view is get to know for 2-3 months multi dating is optional, we let go of other people if we haven't done so already and enter into an exclusive committed relationship and remain in that relationship as long as we remain relationship oriented and compatible. A breakup can and will happen (if relationship compatibility stops). 2-3 years If we still going on strong I personally am going to want to be married and we continue for a lifetime. For those that don't believe in marriage they just remain together.

 

So I don't necessarily see "a problem" that you speak of. Getting to know the person is important I agree. You can do that your way by being exclusive but not in a relationship. But you could also get to know being exclusive in a relationship. Unless your critique is you viewing a committed relationship as being dedicated to not breaking up? If so I get it. I use to have that view to my own detriment lol. But I now unapologetically believe in being committed as long as the other person is committed. If the other person is not I will be breaking up with that a**. Sorry...NOT! Again correct me if I am wrong on how I think your viewing "commitment" cause I am a bit confused on what your difference may be. Now A problem I do see is people ignoring clear detrimental red flags whether in a committed relationship or not (an unfortunate mistake I myself have made). Also I see a problem of people getting married or making life impacting commitments (kids, finances, etc) or choosing not to breakup but not truly getting to know who the hell they are making these major commitments too!

[SophieG]

I think that all our answers only prove one point : we all have different perspectives of what a relationship/commitment is, and that the OP should talk with the girl he’s dating.

There’s no right or wrong answer here. They should discuss the matter and both assess what they want and if they can both get it.

[Hopeful30]

Quite the contrary. When I think committed relationship I think I am entering into an exclusive monogamous relationship with the HOPES that it will last a life time. NOT A GUARENTEE!!!

 

Yes, but not everyone has "HOPE" for an "exclusive monogamous relationship" after only two months. It takes me that long just to get used to a guy and decide if I like him lol! Hoping for monogamy after such a short period of time is a very high expectation for someone you just met, and I'm guessing usually disappointing because, in my experiences, the true colours come out closer to the 6-month mark.

 

This "hope" only came into existence with one of my exes after the 6 month mark when I learned he isn't psycho, has no criminal background, and is genuinely a good person. And even then this "hope" was premature because at 1 year I learned he has a child from a teenage romance. That's when our relationship ended. If I knew all of this early on, I wouldn't have wasted my time.

 

So yeah, 2 months? Too early I would say.

Edited March 15, 2019 by Hopeful30

[fred123]

i would believe what the women say on here but my ex said the same thing then did the complete opposite w8th the next guy.

all people on here who say they need longer than 3 months watch when you meet someone you are into you start breaking your rules. women break rules for alphas and make th4m for betas

[SophieG]

women break rules for alphas and make th4m for betas

 

It depends on the women because I’ve never been in a committed relationship before the 4-5 months mark, and never said « I love you » before at least 6 months. Not once since I finished high school. No matter how hot the guy is or how incredible chemistry we have. I’ll be dating exclusively, but I won’t call him my boyfriend or agree to being official before a couple of months in. That holds true for my ex who I was 4 years with.

[ShyLove]

When was her last relationship? Just bc A LOT of people jump on those apps the day of their breakup and date while they are still morning an ex. I have so many friends & coworkers that have done this and it is so fascinating to me how people they meet on apps fall for them when they are simply passing time bc they are missing someone else.

 

Just something to think about

[Calmandfocused]

Op, i believe that she is seeing someone else. Everything that you’ve written makes me believe that, including what she’s said to you. She doesn’t want that to change.

 

I accept people are different but I don’t believe in multi dating. I can’t see how anyone could be emotionally available for a proper relationship whilst their attention is dived between 2 or more people. Unless you want a casual relationship of course.

 

I think she’s weighing up her options op. I also don’t think you should be waiting

Around for a woman who is “not sure” about you after 2.5 months. Find a woman who won’t hesitate to be officially your girlfriend. Why should you settle for this?

[TurntSloth1]

In the end I didn't do anything drastic about the situation but pretty much just carried on as we were. I mentally prepared myself for things to not work out and the end result was that I actually stopped worrying about little things, like how often we text or her meeting my friends - I wouldnt say I didn't care at all but I definitely put a lot less energy into the whole thing

 

I didn't start looking around for other girls to date either, (I'm not exactly desperate) but I prioritised other things like socialising with people at my new job and planning holidays with friends.

 

Anyway, things between me and the girl have continued to go really well and I'm pleased to say that yesterday she brought up the subject and she's now my girlfriend.

 

It was pretty out of the blue and went along the lines of:

 

"Hey remember when you brought up the topic of being official before?"

"Yeah..."

"Well what about now?"

"Well I haven't changed my mind, what about you?"

"Yeah I think now is a good time."

"Cool let's do it"

 

With a lot more teasing thrown in there of course haha

 

 

Just thought I'd update this thread in light of the whole debate that went on - I really have found it interesting reading everyone's take on the subject!

 

For the record it was 3.5 months from us first talking to this point

[TheFinalWord]

I think you should just keep dating for a while BUT let her bring it up next time. She now knows you are serious and if she keeps going out with you, she is doing so knowing you are considering her as a girlfriend. If she doesn't bring it up in another month or two, you might want to re-consider your options. She didn't run when you brought it up, so that's a good sign.

[greymatter]

TFW, he just posted that they are official, right before your post. She brought it up.