Foreign Affair

[Buffer]

Why is she so important?

Hello Brother

 

May I make general comment. She has a position that is so important that she can’t resign? Rubbish, no one is that import, she doesn’t want to resign! So to maintain her affair. Hence she wants to keep those moment special and real for her. God forbid a tragic accident happened would the world stop for her, no.

She sounds selfish.

 

You have to look after you and your daughter, take no blame for her actions, she is responsible for laying down with him, not you. However; committed relationships are built on communication and openness.

Belittling and berating when something doesn’t go right isn’ communication. This is a learned trate not a valid thought process.

 

How come she can have the open relationship yet you can’t? Why can she do things yet you can’t? I don’t understand her stance on the FWB. Why does she get to have cake, yet you get her crumbs?

 

Sounds very one sided. Regardless how attractive she is on the outside is she beautiful on the inside? This isn’t love, she sounds like she is manipulating you to maintain her lifestyle and affair. She will leave you what the 6000 mile issue is finally addressed.

 

You are enabling her to maintain her EA and PA. She is use to you, not in love with you.

 

Time to move on and build a life with some one who has your feelings as their priority, not one who has stated she loves him first!

Edited June 9, 2019 by Buffer
Want to remove the quote, I pressed the wrong button

[yololin]

Before i clicked on this thread i suspected that it was a korean thing. Korea has the highest rate of cheating. Its almost culturally accepted that if you travel without your significant other you gotta cheat. Ideas like cheating helps keep the relationship together is common.

 

I think you should ask your wife if she still wants to be with you and have a family. She has to prove that she wants it. Honestly. If she doesn't want you guys anymore, you gotta leave.

[preraph]

It's good that you are at least looking at your bluntness and considering that it may make matters worse in many situations. It's hard to stop a lifelong habit, but slow down before you speak. Ask yourself if you're being judgmental. Ask yourself how you would feel if someone spoke to you in the same manner. Probably if you just took it down a notch, it would be beneficial to you and all your relationships.

[emotionallybroken9]

Hey Op, I’m for the ****storm that just hit you. Could I ask, is there a reason that you’re so desperate for love? Not just from her, but in general.

 

Tell us a little about yourself and your life without her. How many friends do you have?how often are you alone? Are you ABLE to be alone?

 

Honestly sounds like your heart is so open to be loved that you’d allow anyone in it. I bet that if a woman came into your life and said all the right things and did them all, you’d dump your wife or end up just having your own affair.

 

Do you even love yourself? I’m not criticizing, as I see the desperation for love and emotional connection in you, that I carried and lived with up until 33 years old in March 2019.

 

You’re loveable and worth it, but only if YOU believe it too.

 

Are there kids? No? Leave.

Are you financially able to live without her? Yes? Leave.

Are you able to be alone for a year or more and be happy? Yes? Leave.

Are you afraid of the uncertain future prospects of being single or dating again?

 

You only get one life. You get what you want. You want love. This woman sounds like an investment that you’re too afraid to walk away from. Cut your losses and move forward. This only works when you finally stop trying to make something work that isn’t working.

 

We don’t see the whole story, and maybe because you changed you want to give her the chance to change, because it worked for you, right? Don’t think that way. It’s the trap of life.

 

You’re worth more than you think <3 it’s hard to let go, like a drug, you’ll keep relapsing. Eventually you’ll be free. Keep up what you’re doing. Start thinking about yourself more

[elaine567]

I’ve asked her to go to MC, and she’s agreed. We’ll see how it goes.

 

MC is about keeping married people together, the marriage needs preserved almost at all costs, so resentment and blame need to be put to one side.

Do not think your wife will be roundly scolded in MC for her bad behaviour and you will then feel satisfied she got her comeuppance.

What some BSs find on going to MC, that it is more about the BS learning to live with the cheating and letting it go and examining the part they played, with a goal of preserving the marriage. 50:50 "blame". Some BSs can find that frustrating.

 

Many find IC as well as MC is more helpful.

[merrmeade]

All the ways you describe your feelings, how you’ve reacted, how she’s reacted, many of us have felt or read here before. I do understand. It doesn’t matter because you still have to process it.

 

The main thing I see is that you’re still treating her like the person you thought she was. She was never that person. She cheats and lies and sees you as weak..

 

But seriously the sooner you realize that you aren’t responsible for protecting her reputation. She trashed that all by herself.Takes 3-5 yearts to get over bdiao[

[Divod62]

Buffer, she can't resign because she's self-employed. Her career puts her in front of the public. It's a non-starter.

She has been NC with the OM. I didn't ask for it, in fact I suggested she contact him. Although she says she doesn't know what to do, her actions are speaking louder.

 

yololin, is it true that Korea has the highest rate of cheating? My wife is not Korean, she's of European descent, and her AP is Korean and single, so I don't know if this affair fits the mold. Yes she wants to be with me.

 

preraph, thanks for your support. I've made significant progress, and she recognizes it.

 

elaine567, you hit the nail right on the head, thank you for your perspective. I think deep down I did want some sort of validation that my wife was mostly at fault and that she should be doing more to reconcile our marriage. Now that I recognize it, I've started to let go of the notion that she needs to be punished further. She has already apologized several times for cheating and hurting me, and I've accepted it.

 

merrmeade, trust me, she does not see me as weak. In my case I've been an a-hole in the past, which is what gave her permission to cheat in the first place. How will being an angry a-hole now, which comes easy for me, make her respect me for being "strong"? She would just shut down like she did in the past. In her eyes, a man is respectful and kind, and that's what I'm striving for.

She's also working on herself to be more open and loving, and so far this new relationship is far better than the damaged one we left behind.

[Buffer]

Buffer, she can't resign because she's self-employed. Her career puts her in front of the public. It's a non-starter.

She has been NC with the OM. I didn't ask for it, in fact I suggested she contact him. Although she says she doesn't know what to do, her actions are speaking louder.

Morning Divod,

Sounds like she is being open. Can I ask how she justifies maintaining the relationship for so long? Why she believes it is acceptable for her yet not for you to go and get a side piece for the same duration?

 

With her job of self employment can she exclude the South Korea locations?

That was she won’t have meet up. I think not, she needs her cake. She has minimal feelings for you. Once your daughter is established elsewhere your wife is going to Korea for good.

She has to stop completely now and fully commit to you, and her child; not wanting to remain in a open relationship.

Have respect for yourself as well as your life.

Looks aren’t everything if she was beautiful on the inside she would start putting her child and you first. Not what she has between her legs. Her heart is a muscle, her mind is with him.

She needs to change her thought process and stop gaslighting you. Do you think she is selfish or just a spoilt ww?

Be understanding with her, communicate better and think before you speak. You want her To need to want her family and life there with you and her child.

Edited July 15, 2019 by Buffer
Spelling

[Buffer]

Morning,

 

Brother how are things going?

Has there been any communication on the home front?

R U OK?

[Divod62]

Morning Divod,

Sounds like she is being open. Can I ask how she justifies maintaining the relationship for so long? Why she believes it is acceptable for her yet not for you to go and get a side piece for the same duration?

 

...She has to stop completely now and fully commit to you, and her child; not wanting to remain in a open relationship. ...

 

 

Buffer, I'm doing fine, thanks for asking.

 

I think you might have misinterpreted my posts, I was the one who put out the suggestion that we have an open relationship. I don't think she feels it is acceptable or fair to me, which is why she agreed that I can have a side relationship if I wanted to. I haven't pursued it, and she has voluntarily been NC with the OM.

[Buffer]

Buffer, I'm doing fine, thanks for asking.

 

I think you might have misinterpreted my posts, I was the one who put out the suggestion that we have an open relationship. I don't think she feels it is acceptable or fair to me, which is why she agreed that I can have a side relationship if I wanted to. I haven't pursued it, and she has voluntarily been NC with the OM.

Sorry about that I did read it incorrectly.

I am a bit confused. She can be in a open relationship with Mr Korea for years, yet it isn’t acceptable for you.

But you can have a side piece locally?

Would that create issues as you would be seeing this person more due to location? Is it due tomorrow her affair duration and she wants you to get all those years of catch up?

It doesn’t really make sense, unless it will is a ploy to use as an exit strategy for her.

 

Please be carful and do what you are comfortable with. Remember you have your child to consider no matter what age she is. Respect, communicate and, look after yourself.

[Divod62]

Sorry about that I did read it incorrectly.

I am a bit confused. She can be in a open relationship with Mr Korea for years, yet it isnÂ’t acceptable for you.

But you can have a side piece locally?

Would that create issues as you would be seeing this person more due to location? Is it due tomorrow her affair duration and she wants you to get all those years of catch up?

It doesnÂ’t really make sense, unless it will is a ploy to use as an exit strategy for her.

 

I'm not keeping score or trying to get even, I put the idea out there because it seemed pragmatic given the circumstances. Maybe I thought she would end her affair if I pursued another relationship, or maybe I just wanted to feel the same happiness she felt with her new love, I don't know. I was hurt, sad and confused at the time.

 

At this point neither one of us is pursuing or contacting outside partners. She never intended to leave me, and I think she's starting to realize it was all a fantasy. I feel like I've got my wife back.

[aliveagain]

The fate of your marriage really rests with you now. Her actions have shown you how she values your relationship. Can you live with what she has done to you and your child all these years and agree to move forward with her? Can you get over the imbalance her deception has created, it's a huge s--t sandwich to eat knowing that it will always be the big white elephant in the room forever lurking in the shadows. Will you ever feel safe with her again knowing that you caught her and she never freely confessed? Will she ever be able to honour your boundaries if you give her the gift of reconciliation?

[Buffer]

Morning D,

Alive has asked some well thought questions, that will assist you in establishing you path to either R or Separation.

I feel you are doing the R and this will hopefully work out for you, but some of those questions may rise in your subconscious.

Good luck

[Divod62]

The fate of your marriage really rests with you now. Her actions have shown you how she values your relationship. Can you live with what she has done to you and your child all these years and agree to move forward with her? Can you get over the imbalance her deception has created, it's a huge s--t sandwich to eat knowing that it will always be the big white elephant in the room forever lurking in the shadows. Will you ever feel safe with her again knowing that you caught her and she never freely confessed? Will she ever be able to honour your boundaries if you give her the gift of reconciliation?

 

 

I think so. I hope so. All signs point to a positive outcome thus far.

 

The OM last tried to contact her back on April 15, but my wife has not responded to him at all. She also told me she felt the affair had already started to dwindle back on D-day. Now that she's recommitted herself to our marriage and gone NC with her AP, I'm wondering how it might play out when or if she returns to Korea next year and sees him?

[usa1ah]

I think so. I hope so. All signs point to a positive outcome thus far.

 

The OM last tried to contact her back on April 15, but my wife has not responded to him at all. She also told me she felt the affair had already started to dwindle back on D-day. Now that she's recommitted herself to our marriage and gone NC with her AP, I'm wondering how it might play out when or if she returns to Korea next year and sees him?

 

That’s why you should either divorce your wife or have an open marriage.Because she can cheat anytime she wants to. She’s proven that

[Divod62]

Can you get over the imbalance her deception has created, it's a huge s--t sandwich to eat knowing that it will always be the big white elephant in the room forever lurking in the shadows.

 

What did you mean by imbalance?

[ARAMCOMAN]

Am I correct that you proposed a open marriage after you found out your WW had already had sex with the OM. If so then you are allowing you're WW to chose the directions with the hope that your WW stays with you but can still bang the OM when ever the occasion arises. If she agrees all good if she doesn't all good. My man you need to control the goings on not your WW. She has faced zero consequences for her actions. If your okay with being a cuck then all the power to you.