my ex is probably a narcissist

[preraph]

If he is truly narcissistic, then he truly believes everything and everyone should put HIS needs above their own and really doesn't understand why they don't. And if he's truly narcissistic, a big characteristic is they cannnot ever admit they're wrong, mainly because they just think everyone should accommodate their needs, but on the rare occasion they are willing to think they might have been wrong or done something mean, they still won't admit it. What I've read and it fits a person I know who's like that, is they may do something nice for you, but they won't ever say they're wrong.

 

And you hit the nail on the head that he just doesn't HAVE the emotional capacity. It's a shocker and it makes a lot of young idealistic people mad when I've brought it up in the past, but there are people, and more men than women, but also some women, who simply don't have the emotional capacity to love deeply. And I still say a whole lot of men are in love with sex and the woman's container, not the person inside, and additionally like what the person will do for them. That's why you see on here that once the sex goes, so does the man you thought loved you for more than that. Again, it's not all men at all. I've had a couple that loved me for who I was. But I have to say that even one of those was more interested in talking about sex or music when we were still just friends than listening to any of my problems or how it affected me and totally pretended that didn't exist and had no consideration for where I was at before he came at me like a freight train...

 

The older I get, the more I think it comes down to general ethics and of course their role models growing up, what their expectations are, but the truly narcissistic really don't get it if you have needs you place above theirs, no, they don't.

 

The one I know is a female, and she doesn't even listen when I'm trying to tell her something anymore. But she will expect me to sit and listen to her yammer about some tv show I never watch and don't like even though I've told her I'm not at all interested, and she will just keep going. Or she'll tell me the same story about her cats over and over, and that's okay with me because animals, I thought, was our biggest bond, but then she really made me mad one day when I told her a very short story about my dog, and I stopped talking to her for several months. She just doesn't care unless it's about her. She knows enough to have pretended to care most of her life, but the older she gets, the less she keeps that up. So yeah, loads of fun to get old with.

 

You gave it your all. Now, RUN! Think how unbearable it would be to see him putting himself above your future children. Take off running.

 

I recommend you go to the Psychology Today website and start reading some articles on narcissism because I read a real good one they sent out on Twitter a couple of years ago and it was enlightening.

[humanbeing1]

I sympathize with whatever you are going through but I agree that people need to stop calling their exes narcissists. The word is over-used. The truth is, many people have flaws, an ego, and immaturity. Everyone is a work in progress but we can't go around calling everyone a narcissist because they've been selfish or seemed to have no empathy in certain situations. Normal people are both good and bad. I've had ZERO empathy at times and at other times am the most giving, considerate person ever. I've hurt people and people have hurt me. I think the people I've hurt would call me a narcissist. But I'm not one. I mean, I feel like my own exes are narcissists. But...the truth is, none of us are narcissists. We're just stupid immature people.

[sunflower24]

I sympathize with whatever you are going through but I agree that people need to stop calling their exes narcissists. The word is over-used. The truth is, many people have flaws, an ego, and immaturity. Everyone is a work in progress but we can't go around calling everyone a narcissist because they've been selfish or seemed to have no empathy in certain situations. Normal people are both good and bad. I've had ZERO empathy at times and at other times am the most giving, considerate person ever. I've hurt people and people have hurt me. I think the people I've hurt would call me a narcissist. But I'm not one. I mean, I feel like my own exes are narcissists. But...the truth is, none of us are narcissists. We're just stupid immature people.

 

 

I normally would never even hint at such a claim; the only reason I am is because I truly, deeply believe there is a possibility. But I understand where you're coming from absolutely. Who knows if he is -- no one does, and no one ever will because I am certain he will never seek out a professional (for this, for any reason). Perhaps he is just severely emotionally stunted with an enormous ego, lack of self-awareness, and a long string of related traits. I will always have my viewpoints but I know now not to voice them to people over the internet lol. Thank you for your comment!

[humanbeing1]

I normally would never even hint at such a claim; the only reason I am is because I truly, deeply believe there is a possibility. But I understand where you're coming from absolutely. Who knows if he is -- no one does, and no one ever will because I am certain he will never seek out a professional (for this, for any reason). Perhaps he is just severely emotionally stunted with an enormous ego, lack of self-awareness, and a long string of related traits. I will always have my viewpoints but I know now not to voice them to people over the internet lol. Thank you for your comment!

 

Yeah I'm not saying he's not extremely problematic. I just tend to think that when we are distanced from our exes, which we are when they are not talking to us and we're not talking to them -- directly, anyway -- for a long time, it becomes very easy to demonize them and see them as wickedly-motivated. I think we forget that they are the same person we were with, and we likely did not see them as a narcissist while we were with them.

 

Think about how your personality and ways are by-and-large the same now as they were when you were in the relationship. His personality and ways are the same too. He's still the person you loved and who was good to you in many ways. I also think...even when they're being selfish or insensitive, in our eyes, they don't see it that way. They see it as coming from a good place that has to do with their feelings and needs mostly but a little of yours too.

 

As I said, I sympathize because I've thought my own ex was a narcissist too. I just think it's safer not to draw such extreme conclusions because it might hurt you later to realize it wasn't necessarily the case, if/when they have a different dynamic with a different person or don't do the same things with other people that they did with you. I guess I believe more in the idea that we create other people's behavior, at least a little bit. It's the case even with friends and family. They act the way they do in part because of who they are, but in part because of the way we engage with them, or the energy we're giving off subconsciously.

[Commongoal123]

I guess my question is, if he does indeed have NPD, do you think he TRULY believes all the terrible things he said about me? Or did he just say them to hurt me?

 

Does it matter what he thinks either way? You said you don't want to be with him anymore. If you objectively look at this situation, why do you care if what he says he truly believes or just said them to hurt you?

 

The only person with that answer is him. Nobody on here does. All we have are guesses.

 

I don't mean to come across as uncaring or inconsiderate. I have been in your position before, and I know how you are feeling. After 4 relationships with women who have, in the end, said and did horrible things, I've had similar questions in my mind as you do now, and it mattered.

 

After the 4th girl, I'm here to tell you that it doesn't matter.

 

What this person thinks of you doesn't matter.

 

Projection is a bitch. But see it as that. If your friends truly know and care about you, it won't matter what he says or doesn't say to them.

 

If it does matter to some of them, consider yourself blessed to know who your real friends are after the damage is done.

[sunflower24]

Does it matter what he thinks either way? You said you don't want to be with him anymore. If you objectively look at this situation, why do you care if what he says he truly believes or just said them to hurt you?

 

The only person with that answer is him. Nobody on here does. All we have are guesses.

 

I don't mean to come across as uncaring or inconsiderate. I have been in your position before, and I know how you are feeling. After 4 relationships with women who have, in the end, said and did horrible things, I've had similar questions in my mind as you do now, and it mattered.

 

After the 4th girl, I'm here to tell you that it doesn't matter.

 

What this person thinks of you doesn't matter.

 

Projection is a bitch. But see it as that. If your friends truly know and care about you, it won't matter what he says or doesn't say to them.

 

If it does matter to some of them, consider yourself blessed to know who your real friends are after the damage is done.

 

Hey, thanks for your perspective! I guess my reason for wondering about his thoughts and behavior post-breakup comes down to the fact that I wanted validation that he is a good person at heart (as I believed for years). I spent an enormous amount of time and energy throughout our relationship trying to encourage him to be better and kinder, but in the end, he still chose the opposite. I had always hoped my kindness for others would make an impression on him and how he treated others, but how he treated me at the end--his supposed best friend and potential future wife-- proved it had never at all. It was a slap in the face, truthfully. It made me feel like I had failed, and at the time I created this thread, I know I was just searching for something to tell me that I hadn't--maybe he will acknowledge his ill behavior and apologize; maybe he will ultimately choose good over bad. He hasn't and I know he won't. The reason why will still remain a mystery for me, I guess. It's okay though, I'm not heartbroken over it.

Edited March 11, 2019 by sunflower24