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Best Years of our Lives blown by Old Flame

Murnaufau

By Murnaufau,
in Infidelity

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LivingWaterPlease

LivingWaterPlease

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Posted

Murnaufau, I know of three couples this has happened to over the past two and a half years. One of the couples I know very well.

 

All of the men in these three couples are good looking and high earners. The wives were all SAH moms. Not that it couldn't happen to working women.

 

All of the women left the men for losers. The men all loved the wives and tried to hold on to the marriages.

 

The man in the couple I know well worked very hard doing the pick me dance. When he finally gave up and divorced her the ex wife wanted to come back. He will not take her back.

 

With the other two situations the same thing happened. All the couples got divorced. But once the women believed they'd lost their ex H's completely they wanted to come back. One of the men took his ex back but the other wouldn't.

 

I share this with you for a reason. If you're ever going to get her back (though I hope you won't take her back) your only chance is to let her go completely. There is no way things are going to work out for your ex and this loser she's with. It's only a matter of time until she comes back to you IF you don't hang around acting like you'll take her back.

 

You have to shut the door on this woman (180) whether or not you want to be with her again. The 180 is not a game and you don't do it to manipulate your W. You do it because if you don't you will get kicked around and disrespected for as long as you'll take it. But I believe in the situation you have described chances are high things won't work out with loser OF and your wife will be back if you move on and don't hang around trying to get her back. I sure hope you won't take her back, but that's your business.

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BettyDraper

BettyDraper

Posted
Posted (edited)
You have to shut the door on this woman (180) whether or not you want to be with her again. The 180 is not a game and you don't do it to manipulate your W. You do it because if you don't you will get kicked around and disrespected for as long as you'll take it. But I believe in the situation you have described chances are high things won't work out with loser OF and your wife will be back if you move on and don't hang around trying to get her back. I sure hope you won't take her back, but that's your business.

 

This is excellent advice. OP, I'm very sorry that you're going through this. Shutting the door on your marriage with your dignity intact is the best path to take.

 

Post here whenever you want to contact your STBXW. Do not contact her. Stop sleeping with her. File for divorce and have her served with the papers.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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elaine567

elaine567

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I do not think you can bank on her coming back, there are no kids here, so what reason would she have for coming back?

I as the dumper, never went "back" as in an attempt to make things work. I had made my decisions, they were not made lightly.

Yes I remained in contact, yes we on occasion hung out as platonic friends, but my intention was merely friendly NOT an attempt to get back together, that was the last thing on my mind.

 

I was never financially dependent on these men, maybe if we add financial dependence into the equation, maybe that is why some women will return to where their bread is best buttered, but is that a good enough reason to take her back?

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d0nnivain

d0nnivain

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When I move out this weekend, is No Contact the way to go?

 

Alas, NC is not a luxury available to you in the short term. You two are married. You have a lease in your name. There are legalities that must be ironed out before you can stop talking. So limited contact it is. Do not talk about anything except the details of your split & keep that to a minimum.

 

If you are on the lease, make sure the landlord is cool taking you off & you get that in writing. If you can't get off the lease, you stay & kick her out. If you don't, Old Flame will move in, they won't pay rent & you will get stuck with the bill.

 

Next, go see lawyer. Make sure you are protected & find out when the clock starts ticking for you to get divorced. In my state the couple has to live separate & apart for 18 months before you can even file.

 

Start working out a property settlement agreement but before you leave make sure you have a good financial snapshot of all financials, especially if she has any assets or a pension plan from her work. Until you get that PSA worked out, signed & approved by a judge you have to civil. Pissing her off will cause her to try to inflict financial pain on you.

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BTDT2012

BTDT2012

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Why are you leaving? See a lawyer. Love is an action word. Her actions say she doesn't love you, at least not more than she loves skankboy.

 

 

 

Don't talk to her about anything other than untangling finances, preferably by text or email so you have a record.

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sandylee1

sandylee1

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You can go NC except for communication about splitting any assets and dealing with your divorce.

 

If she's interested in a useless man like her old flame, let her go to him. You deserve better.

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Murnaufau

Murnaufau

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Hey, all. I just wanted to say thank u. Some very great thoughts were here. Some good advice.

 

I have, only for a few days now, reclaimed my own life. I know that I have to move on. I think I took my wife somewhat by surprise by going on my vacation even without her. I am on Marco Island, in Florida, enjoying the beaches and the sun and the food - and even enjoying my parents, who I am on this vacation with - while wifey is back home in the freezing cold, but I’m sure she’s keeping warm with Old Flame. Nothing I can do about that, so it’s onto the next

Phase.

 

I am trying to figure out what direction my life should take next. This is a good time for that. Time to reflect, sometimes grieve, but often just enjoy my newfound freedom. Hey, life ain’t so bad after all. I’m getting ready to go to the movies, alone, and I kinda like it.

 

While I’ve been gone, she has texted twice. I haven’t responded. Maybe I will later, but right now I am concentrating on me. Should she ever come around and see the error of her ways, perhaps I will be open to that discussion. But she hasn’t yet, and you’re right - I can’t wait. I’m so glad I got away from the craziness. And i do not intend to go back, the way things stand right now.

 

Thanks again.

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Marc878

Marc878

Posted
Posted

Ignore anything other than business or divorce related issues.

 

You don't know who this other man has been with so get an STD test ran immediately and don't touch your stbx wife again.

 

The only one keeping you in this mess is you.

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Mr. Lucky

Mr. Lucky

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Posted
I have, only for a few days now, reclaimed my own life. I know that I have to move on. I think I took my wife somewhat by surprise by going on my vacation even without her. I am on Marco Island, in Florida, enjoying the beaches and the sun and the food - and even enjoying my parents, who I am on this vacation with - while wifey is back home in the freezing cold, but I’m sure she’s keeping warm with Old Flame.

 

Good for you. Make sure you take some of this new-found resolve with you when you head back home.

 

Try Snook Inn while you're there, great seafood :cool: ...

 

Mr. Lucky

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