Bryanp Posted March 3, 2019 Share Posted March 3, 2019 What is the attitude of your wife toward you? Does she acknowledge that she for all intents and purposes destroyed your love and her marriage? How does she look in your eyes? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CheatedCheater Posted March 3, 2019 Author Share Posted March 3, 2019 What is the attitude of your wife toward you? Does she acknowledge that she for all intents and purposes destroyed your love and her marriage? How does she look in your eyes? She is lovely to me and she would like to rebuild the marriage, but I do not love her anymore and I'm not interested to invest a cent in our relationship. I am simply posponing the inevitable. My deep feeling is that she doesn't understand the severity of what she did. I do not see any sincere remorse. She is like a robot when it comes to her adultery: I see rug sweeping, minimizing.... Sad. It's over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CheatedCheater Posted March 4, 2019 Author Share Posted March 4, 2019 CheatedCheater, sorry about my grammar as it has been many years since I last spoke Italian. This is your life and no one controls you, you need to make decisions that are best for you. I have zero tolerance for infidelity, it took 3 women cheating on me to get to that place. The first two women that cheated on me I did my best with counselling to try and make the relationships work but I was never able to get over the feeling of being with someone who was now tainted. It felt like I was just settling and that didn't make me feel very good about myself. That is when I knew that infidelity was a deal breaker for me. The older I get the less time I want to waste on people that aren't as committed to the relationship as me. The thing you have to remember, no one forced her to have sex with other men, people go to prison for forcing sex on others. People that have affairs have them because they took time to think about it before they chose to do so. People without consequences often do it again. I don't know the laws in Italy regarding post nuptials, even here they are hard to enforce but she will have to spend a lot of money in court to find out and that in itself is a deterrent. I guess the point I am trying to make is don't settle. Choose happiness and if being with her makes you happy, great, continue on, if not, life's too short so make the changes that make you happy. I agree with you: "tainted" is the master word here that describes perfectly how I see her after I discovered her affairs. And yes, infidelity is a deal breaker for me too, but, since an innocent is involved, let s say that it's a "delayed deal breaker". Being with her will never make me happy again: it's over. I am aware that she might cheat again: nothing significant would change as I don't consider her my wife anymore. Post nuptial is a no-go. First, she would never sign it (why should she? How can I enforce that?) and second, since it is something that clearly goes against any logic, the judge would interpret the deed as obtained by means of threat, so I would severely risk to be indicted for extortion. Best of all to you, my friend and to the other readers, too! Link to post Share on other sites
Author CheatedCheater Posted March 4, 2019 Author Share Posted March 4, 2019 (edited) I am looking at her right now. It's dawn and she's sleeping like a baby. She has clearly little comprehension of the consequencies of what she did: marriage tainted and destroyed, reputation of the 3 of us gone, heavy financial losses, undescribable pain, anger and shame... She brought devastation on our lives and what for? Basically for nothing. Unbelievable. Edited March 4, 2019 by CheatedCheater Message completion. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 IN her eyes she got away with it. Zero consequences. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CheatedCheater Posted March 4, 2019 Author Share Posted March 4, 2019 IN her eyes she got away with it. Zero consequences. Undisputable... Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 I feel for you. There is no good way to deal with it. You must find your own way Link to post Share on other sites
Author CheatedCheater Posted March 4, 2019 Author Share Posted March 4, 2019 I feel for you. There is no good way to deal with it. You must find your own way Already found, a couple of years ago... Stay today, go tomorrow. No other reasonable alternatives (well, a possible alternative is that we lead parallel lives, like many people do, keeping a dead marriage falsely alive in front of the others.... Sad and absurd anyway). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 Hi CC, I remember one of the accounts posted on here a couple of years ago or so where the husband refused to divorce his wife who had cheated on him. They were already middle aged and the children were reaching the stage where they would be leaving the parental home for college. The couple owned enough together to be able to lead a very comfortable life if they stayed together but would be financially distressed if they divorced and went their separate ways. The husband reconciled to the fact that his marriage was dead but decided he did not want to be pauperrd by divorcing his wife. What he did was to find various activities that he enjoyed and indulged his passion in them. Some of these were ones his wife had previously put a stop to or severely curtailed his participation in. Now of course, she kept her mouth shut as he went about doing what he pleased. In the home he was cordial with her but cut her off from affection and there were very few activities where they jointly participated. The guy seemed content to lead his life like that and would advise others to do the same although, of course it was not everybody's cup of tea. Overall, I think it was a sad way of spending one's remaining time on this planet. Wish you the very best for the future. Link to post Share on other sites
bigman1 Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 Why live that absurd way, as you describe it? Seriously, there is no reason to do it. Take the financial hit, you can rebound. If you are willing to live miserably with her, may as well try living without her and see if you are still miserable. You won't be, if you truly separate. Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 Cheated cheater, I am sorry your daughter knows that you and her mother are no longer 'in love', it is always hard for children no matter how old they are. I applaud that you are trying to do the right thing by staying and being there for her and here is the but ..... if you can, it is healthier for you to leave, start a new life, but one where your daughter visits and is not in a home where her parents aren't truly together. Children really do pick up on tension, it does affect them, whether we think so or not. I spent many years working with children who came from broken homes and homes where the parents were in conflict, that doesn't have to mean arguments every day. All children want two parents who love each other, it is what all the good fairy tales have us believe is what families are. Sadly, as we all know, that is all too often not the norm. I wonder if she hangs onto hope that you both being there will mean a return to you and your wife loving each other, of course she wants you there, you are her Dad, she loves you. As hard as it is, I would have left and started a new life, a new home, one where she doesn't have to watch to see if her Mum and Dad are being loving or not. I understand that no one knows your situation more than you and think that you are putting your daughter's wishes before your own, but as she gets older this normality of you both being together, but not, will have her question what families really are. I hope it all works out for you and wish you nothing but the best x Link to post Share on other sites
Author CheatedCheater Posted March 5, 2019 Author Share Posted March 5, 2019 Hi CC, I remember one of the accounts posted on here a couple of years ago or so where the husband refused to divorce his wife who had cheated on him. They were already middle aged and the children were reaching the stage where they would be leaving the parental home for college. The couple owned enough together to be able to lead a very comfortable life if they stayed together but would be financially distressed if they divorced and went their separate ways. The husband reconciled to the fact that his marriage was dead but decided he did not want to be pauperrd by divorcing his wife. What he did was to find various activities that he enjoyed and indulged his passion in them. Some of these were ones his wife had previously put a stop to or severely curtailed his participation in. Now of course, she kept her mouth shut as he went about doing what he pleased. In the home he was cordial with her but cut her off from affection and there were very few activities where they jointly participated. The guy seemed content to lead his life like that and would advise others to do the same although, of course it was not everybody's cup of tea. Overall, I think it was a sad way of spending one's remaining time on this planet. Wish you the very best for the future. I substantially agree with that man, until the situation matures. Not the best possible life, I agree, but for sure the less damaging, as a whole. I thank you for your wishes and I reciprocate them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CheatedCheater Posted March 5, 2019 Author Share Posted March 5, 2019 Why live that absurd way, as you describe it? Seriously, there is no reason to do it. Take the financial hit, you can rebound. If you are willing to live miserably with her, may as well try living without her and see if you are still miserable. You won't be, if you truly separate. I thought I explained beyond every reasonable doubt my evaluation and strategy.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author CheatedCheater Posted March 5, 2019 Author Share Posted March 5, 2019 Cheated cheater, I am sorry your daughter knows that you and her mother are no longer 'in love', it is always hard for children no matter how old they are. I applaud that you are trying to do the right thing by staying and being there for her and here is the but ..... if you can, it is healthier for you to leave, start a new life, but one where your daughter visits and is not in a home where her parents aren't truly together. Children really do pick up on tension, it does affect them, whether we think so or not. I spent many years working with children who came from broken homes and homes where the parents were in conflict, that doesn't have to mean arguments every day. All children want two parents who love each other, it is what all the good fairy tales have us believe is what families are. Sadly, as we all know, that is all too often not the norm. I wonder if she hangs onto hope that you both being there will mean a return to you and your wife loving each other, of course she wants you there, you are her Dad, she loves you. As hard as it is, I would have left and started a new life, a new home, one where she doesn't have to watch to see if her Mum and Dad are being loving or not. I understand that no one knows your situation more than you and think that you are putting your daughter's wishes before your own, but as she gets older this normality of you both being together, but not, will have her question what families really are. I hope it all works out for you and wish you nothing but the best x I thank you for your kind words. What you say is sheer good ol' common sense. Unfortunately, apart from the promises that I made to my daughter and the huge financial hit that some lovely judge would administer to me as the final reward for being a cuckold, it is necessary, to the benefit of everyone, that I stick around to keep the other man at large. Best to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 So you let a CHILD who knows nothing of life and who literally has an unformed brain make the decision on how 3 lives will be lived. That is just the most ridiculous thing. You are the parent and the BS. You should be making the decisions here. Jeez. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CheatedCheater Posted March 6, 2019 Author Share Posted March 6, 2019 So you let a CHILD who knows nothing of life and who literally has an unformed brain make the decision on how 3 lives will be lived. That is just the most ridiculous thing. You are the parent and the BS. You should be making the decisions here. Jeez. I beg your pardon, Sir, but "the most ridiculous thing" is that you still haven't understood the whole reasons for my (temporary) staying in the marriage, after I wrote them maybe ten times. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts