Husband cheated first year of marriage

[Jamess1]

You abstained from having sex until after marriage. Were you a virgin or not ?

 

I think this hubby cheated purely for the sex, how are you in bad. Are u restrictive, are there sexual things or positions you have denied him. Do you make him feel like there are things he can't do sexually with you, the I am a holy prude wife act, I won't take it from the back...etc

 

This man seems like he was cheated, what he was expecting and waiting for wasn't what he got after marriage...at least seksually.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

From relationship to marriage was about 8 months. We couldn't get enough of each other's company.

 

Wow, that's a very short engagement period! How long did you two know each other before getting married?

[Turning point]

I think there is a lot going on with him. He says he never felt "good enough" for me. He says although I didn't berate him, I always asked him so many questions... Always trying to find the root or delve deeper into him. But he says he didn't know himself that deeply and it made him want to leave. He says I was "intense" - always asking him to give more of himself. He said he's not saying this is on me but that's how he felt. And even now he feels I deserve "someone better".

 

What do you make of it?

 

I've heard those things before, from my STBX. Her comment was: "..maybe I'm not that deep." I also recall her referring to me as "intense" which is a comment I don't get from other people. What makes these memorable is the oddity of where they came up in just normal 1-1 conversation.

 

I also heard the "sometimes I feel you deserve someone better" comment. Maya Angelou has said: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" and this is something I wish I had learned to do at a younger age..

 

I think you should pay close attention to any comment your husband makes that seems disconnected from your own experience of the relationship, or reality. Be especially aware of non-committal qualifiers like: "maybe" or "sometimes" that make any self assessment contingent upon your acceptance of the proposition, are ambiguous, or otherwise open ended.

 

Ultimately in my case these turned out to be clues to something much more sinister - a person who was in fact incredibly shallow, selfish in a very extreme way, incapable of introspection, or real empathy, but also a master imitator and someone who pride's them self on telling people whatever they want to hear to get what they want, at any cost to others.

 

When we were young it was subtle like your husband's responses but, none the less an effort at blame shifting. Once we were married a more overtly obstinate person began to emerge, and the certainty that existed when we were dating was replaced by an omnipresent ambivalence.

 

Infidelity for her was a matter of entitlement, repeating with a handful of consecutive paramours, financial abuses, and more. 10 years later I am still trying to extricate myself from this person who turned out to be a monster drifter and con artist. I swear - some of these people come across like chipmunks but, once they get you hooked they turn into wolves and hyenas.

 

Don't be frightened, this isn't necessarily your spouse's story. You are just fortunate enough (if that even seems possible) to have an early opportunity to make that determination. The thing that troubles me about your story is how well he performed at meeting your premarital expectations. That takes conscientious work - and then suddenly in the first year he goes completely off the charts in the opposite direction?

 

If he refuses or bails out of marital counseling that will be a HUGE red flag. The kind of people I'm describing cannot tolerate any kind of real self-reflection. I'm sorry you are experiencing infidelity in just the first year of marriage. I wish I wish you well in sorting this out.

Edited February 27, 2019 by Turning point

[MissInfj]

You abstained from having sex until after marriage. Were you a virgin or not ?

 

I think this hubby cheated purely for the sex, how are you in bad. Are u restrictive, are there sexual things or positions you have denied him. Do you make him feel like there are things he can't do sexually with you, the I am a holy prude wife act, I won't take it from the back...etc

 

This man seems like he was cheated, what he was expecting and waiting for wasn't what he got after marriage...at least seksually.

 

I was not a virgin. Neither was he. And I wasn't restrictive. I asked him about sexual fantasies. Tried different positions. Had some of those kamasutura books. Did lingerie. Engaged him in "quickies" if he came home for lunch. But I always asked if there was anything he wanted to try. I have never once told him no to sex. I didn't want to be the woman who said no so her husband said yes to someone else.

This still happened. Even now he tells me he was sexually satisfied. I'm confused.

[MissInfj]

Wow, that's a very short engagement period! How long did you two know each other before getting married?

 

We knew each other 2 years

[MissInfj]

I've heard those things before, from my STBX. Her comment was: "..maybe I'm not that deep." I also recall her referring to me as "intense" which is a comment I don't get from other people. What makes these memorable is the oddity of where they came up in just normal 1-1 conversation.

 

 

Wow! How did you overcome that? That's a lot! And it is scary. How do you know someone isn't a sociopath?

 

I'm not yet at the place where I can be grateful that it was "fairly early" in our marriage that I'm finding out.

 

What are your thoughts on the reasons he told me considering that I never knew at the time and we're in a completely different country with new contact info?

 

I really appreciate your encouragement

Edited February 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[vinnyfl]

I cheated on my wife the first year of our marriage. I too felt guilty and confessed. We are now married 47 happy years. I never wanted to feel that way I felt when I cheated and despite working overseas 12 weeks a year, I never cheated or placed myself in a situation where I might be tempted. That meant going back to my hotel room to eat and avoiding the bar where a lot of single and married women would go to meet guys they never would see again after they had sex.

 

The key to knowing if he will cheat again is if he took full responsibility for his actions. According to articles by marriage counselors, if the cheater tries to place the blame on his/her spouse in whole or in part, or blames alcohol or anything or anyone other than himself, odds are that they will cheat again.

 

In retrospect it is better if he did not tell you and instead just did not cheat again. Dumping his guilt to feel better by turning your world upside down is a selfish act as I learned from my own experience and from what I read. There is nothing for the wife to gain by being told her husband is a liar and cannot be trusted. Is she supposed to be happy that he told her? Much better to keep quiet and resolve not to cheat again. Live with the guilt as a constant reminder and spare your wife the trauma and heartbreak just to feel better yourself.

[MissInfj]

I cheated on my wife the first year of our marriage. I too felt guilty and confessed. We are now married 47 happy years. I never wanted to feel that way

Exactly! Why tell me?

 

He told me he felt so guilty. I did not take that how he probably intended. I just felt that that was another selfish act on his part.

 

But thank you for sharing your experience. That gives me some hope.

 

He told me he takes full responsibility. I'm the type always digging for the root causes so I asked. And that's when he told me I was too intense with my questions and seeking to know him. But he says he's realized that he just didn't know himself and that's why he felt it was intense and like an attack.

 

What's your advice in lieu of this?

Edited February 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MissInfj]

I cheated on my wife the first year of our marriage. I too felt guilty and confessed.

Also, it seems he's in shock himself.

Edited February 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[DKT3]

No Matter how some my twist it, confession is a good sign. Especially since you say it was unlikely you would have found out. It means he will be far less likely to repeat it in the future.

 

Just as I often tell OW/MW who get involved with married men, it's more about opportunities than feelings, and married men rarely need to distance themselves or create unfounded issues with the wife and marriage. I know that doesn't make you feel any better, but it's more likely that this had nothing to do with what you did or didn't do. Nothing to do with your physical appearance or even hers, its likely it was simply a woman willing to have sex with him and he was too weak, dumb or shortsighted to not go there.

 

Moving forward, since it sounds like that's your plan, you cant just allow him to slide back into a routine. Stop being so damn nice, start looking out for your beat interest and by all means make him fix this. If he is serious he will make it happen.

[Crazelnut]

Sure, he says he takes full responsibility, but the minute you ask him to figure out why, he whines that you're being too intense and questioning? Then he is not doing what he needs to do to deal with his issues. And he sure isn't doing anything to really save your marriage.

 

He sounds like a selfish man. Do you want to be married to a selfish man? Jeez, not even a YEAR into your honeymoon phase. There is something seriously messed up with this man, and HE needs to do the heavy lifting to figure out what and change it!

[MissInfj]

No Matter how some my twist it, confession is a good sign. Especially since you say it was unlikely you would have found out. It means he will be far less likely to repeat it in the future.

 

 

You're right, D. Even he says I'm too nice. Sage advice, thank you. This helped.

Edited February 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MissInfj]

Sure, he says he takes full responsibility, but the minute you ask him to figure out why,

 

This shook me up but I appreciate you keeping it real.

Edited February 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MissInfj]

I believe I lost myself in this marriage. I got married, became "wife" and that's the only title I focused on. No matter what I decide, I will start focusing on myself more.

[Simple Logic]

Five days ago my husband admitted he had an affair. We've been married 2.5 years. The affair lasted 3 months and began 8 months after we were married. Our first year! And we had been abstinent.

 

The affair lasted 3 months and occurred 1.5 years ago. He didn’t have to make this admissission. If you can forgive this, you still need to figure out why this occurred. At least for him, you were not the ideal couple.

Edited February 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Turning point]

How do you know someone isn't a sociopath?

 

I think like everyone else we believe we'd see one coming a mile away - and that's just not the case.

 

What are your thoughts on the reasons he told me considering that I never knew at the time and we're in a completely different country with new contact info?

 

If he broke under the weight of his own guilt than you have something to work with. You'll want to find out if it's empathy or self pity and counseling will help. If you're lucky he has a real desire to be authentic in his marriage.

 

Abusive people don't confess like that because they either don't feel shame or they off-load it onto others. For example, a confession from my ex means she's in damage control mode and wants to control the narrative before the story breaks.

[MissInfj]

Thank you, Turning Point. Where are you in your healing process?

Edited February 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MissInfj]

The affair lasted 3 months and occurred 1.5 years ago. He didn’t have to make this admissission. If you can forgive this, you still need to figure out why this occurred. At least for him, you were not the ideal couple.

 

This is sobering, thank you.

[Turning point]

No Matter how some my twist it, confession is a good sign.

 

It's just a sign that there is an unknown problem. It is not good in and of itself.

 

OP,

Guilt doesn't really tell the story about why he confessed and this is what counseling will help you to explore.

 

Guilt will mean something different if it turns out he's referring to his own negative self talk rather than anything affecting you or the marital relationship. It will have new meaning if it's associated with a resulting health issue, etc. "Guilt" is also what we think we're supposed to feel.

 

It's not a mistake to question the selfishness of a pure fit of conscience. SHAME is how we feel about ourselves and GUILT refers to our impact on others, yet people seldom draw the distinction in their motivation.

 

Infidelity is a sign that your marriage is in trouble but, you do have to figure out where that trouble is coming from. What was the impact of the affair on the marriage during the period of silence - before he dropped this unexploded ordinance in your lap? Even if you are intense - how does that lead to infidelity? Lots to figure out here.

[DKT3]

Sometimes its really not that complicated, sometimes people are simply wanting to have sex with other people and there is nothing wrong. I think people (mainly women) struggle with this idea. I can think of one female poster here who had just that kind of affair, most men do. They are not unhappy with the wife or marriage and just have sex with a willing woman. Sometimes its really just that simple.

[Turning point]

No one is suggesting sex isn't simple.

 

The choice to remain with someone so simply inclined is always complicated.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Even now he tells me he was sexually satisfied. I'm confused.

 

It's fallacy to believe that spouses cheat (esp men) because they aren't getting it at home. Before my wife's affair, we were shagging like rabbits, even pulling over on the side of the road. A month later she was shagging her co-worker, not me. Don't get yourself hung up on this aspect of his affair.

[Turning point]

..a clear sign that the said man is a 'beta' to her...who is more deserving of seks, the fiance who wants to marry you or the ONS you met at the bar..

 

The thing is, while the logic of these 'beta' theories is carefully assembled and flows nicely - the experience of human psychology does not.

 

It takes many long hours of reading to arrive at that logic, and only a few minutes to jump in bed. It was sex, not a revolution.

[stillafool]

People cheat normally because they want the "new" and all the feelings that go with that. The fact that your husband had a "new" wife and still cheated is very telling about what you can expect for your future. I think the spouse should be told when cheated on because otherwise it is selfish. The betrayed spouse has a right to decide if they want to stay with a person who broke their vows.