Am I being noble or foolish?

[preraph]

Dogs always love you. Cats are fun, but dogs are pure love.

[maxi105]

moral dialemma, good to hear that you are going to sort things out for yourself. 2 cats!!! no, I wouldn't bother!!!! that means 2 litter trays! haha.. and isn't that's what you had emotionally with theses dudes anyway before.

 

if you have good friends and or family support, hobbies surrounding you then why not separate for a while and trial to see how things are. if you are low for the crush, then you may as well get the low feelings in more control. if you separate you will have a bit more thinking time.

 

I still don't see that this guy is the one for you, you are putting in all the work and for something that you sound is ok. if there is love with some one you just know it, its fun, you don't have to keep trying to adjust or be yourself or be attentive or whatever, you just are you and they are them and if it needs for you to talk it over then that's what you do, but its not over the sort of stuff that you have gone through.

 

you have come a long way from all of the abuse and self esteem lowering and I think that has affected you. so at least if you separate it will give you a chance to see what you are really made of and give him the message clearly that you are not going to be messed around again, it will let him know that you are finding your inner strength again and if he is serious about you he will agree to separate. if he tries to stop you then that is not about someone that really wants to sort things out with you. its about someone that has had a lucky escape and is frightened that you are getting strong enough to want to evaluate your relationship together.

 

if it is meant to be then a few weeks apart isn't going to break anything you have if what you have together is real love.

 

I think you deserve time to just be without men and think on your own two feet and talk your feelings out with people who have no intimate (not nessesarilly sexual) but intimate - interest in you particularly when you are emotionally vunerable or low as your partner currently will have an interest for you to stay and for him to promise or try etc....

 

if you have an agreed amount of time away you will have to think for yourself and you may surprise yourself after a week or two just how much what you are in now is just a habit that is (or sounds for the sake of it, rather than sounds like a person who deserves to be in love with somone special after all you've been thorugh.

 

 

I think part of the problem is that you don't know anymore (or have forgotten) what value is. you are also allowed to be valued and to value yourself. and if you separate you will get a chance to rediscover your true values without the clouded vision or partner that is happy to just keep things going the way they are.

 

maybe you both fear being single for a while, but a secure relationship or a secure mature friendship means being comfortable with walking in your own space, sometimes alone and just being comfortable in things, rather than being told all the time.

 

 

I think it would really do you good to clear your thougths for a few weeks and just live and be with friends and family etc.

 

 

I think this guy is taking you for granted and you are allowing it to be that way because your estemm doesn't expect anything more, however, the reason you have written in about that in the first place is that someone else has shown you that your relationship (if he was free) could be so much more what would help you heal and repair your esteem and get stronger and a bit more self control and give you more of a voice and space to think and get more comfortable with the little voice in you that has been clearly unhappy, and treated pretty poorly by the guys you cared about over and over again.

 

not all guys are going to treat you badly, but I think time away will help you get stronger and develop stronger values and that will allow your attitude and outer self to feel and act genuinely stronger and that will make you feel happier and will hopefully attract someone worthy of your goodness.

 

 

if you stay as you are without challenging yourself and looking to restore yourelf you are going to attract another man that will not leave you happy or fulfilled and you'll be giving out signs to guys that you are not worthy and its ok to treat you like a doormat or cheat on you, only put 40% into a relationship etc...

 

 

its up to you, but I have to stand by what I believe in this post and that is I think the sooner you separate and be honest with him, tell him you want a good amout of time away hassle free to think things over.

 

 

it sounds to me like you are again giving him more than is good for what you NEED!!!!!! time away will help you see and b able to do things that you like, you can build your old self and self esteem without worrying what anyone else thinks.

 

you liked that guy because you didn't need to think around him, he was fun, more your type, he connected with something in you that you hadn't experienced in a long time...the problem was he was using you because he had a low esteem that needed feeding by flirting when he knew he wasn't really going to give you anything special or genuine, just build him up when he's bored. but had he been single then he would have been worth trying for. and that is what I am really saying to you.

 

don't waste your time without at least separating for a few weeks, up to 2 months if you need to and see how you cope. if you are sure after that that you don't want to try to find someone more like the guy (BUT WHO IS SINGLE AND WANTS TO BE WITH YOU OR AT LEAST BE A FREIND THAT MIGHT BE MORE IN TIME) then you an go back.

 

 

its about realising you have to give yourself a chance to heal and grow. you sound stale and in a rut with your partner, it sounds like about you wanting to do the right thing to fix something that isn't really that good for you. its routine, its meadiocre but it isn't lighting your fire emotionally,or giving you your self esteem back.

 

I had a friend recently just got over her man and she is really happy about being single now she's had a bit of time to get used to it. she coped, like most people do in the usual ways that were hard when you say goodbye to someone that is ok and a good person but not really right, and she did all the tears and stuff and now she has a fresh outlook, she is excited and has lots of new plans and hopes for the season.

 

she really thought he was going to be the one for the rest of her life!!!! and like you she had a choice, and she they took a brave step to cool it.

 

if its real what you have, a few weeks or even months part are not going to change things and you can get back together and maybe work on things properly. but if you don't take this opportunity to build your self esteem back up on your own and on your own terms without him at your side and in your thoughts or making you feel guilty or worried about what is going on etc then you are in danger of always being used and cheated on because people will see that n you and even worse, (like what I believe you are doing now, you will let them do it, looking to change them or change yourself to make things different.

 

 

when it works with someone, you don't have to keep trying so hard to change yourself or justify what they do that hurts or keeps you without your sparks.

 

 

I think it will be easier to greive only once for 2 guys than to get over a deep crush and then have all the tears begging guilt and drama of your partner....at least if you sperate you can go back if you really think it is love you both have together.

 

 

if not then you will have given yourself new strength and new hope to find a guy that you can build a new exciting time with and your time alone will make you stronger and more capable to not keep accepting men that are ok but not really what makes your heart beat fast and you genuinely have proper values and aspirations in common.

 

 

somone that is so career focused will from what you've said wont ever put your needs first, even in the future, it will be what he wants, moving to where his work is based, being around people he wants or needs for work (yup id say the same if it was a gal you were wanting and she was so work focused....his goals don't sound that concrete yet anyway...which is also another thing that I don't think will be good for you to keep waiting on hopes and dreams.

 

 

maybe it might also be interesting to see if you do separate if he spends his time on his career!!!!!!! I think that might be the case, In which case you have to really think about if you even really fit into what he wants long term.

 

I still think that this is all part of the lack of experience of yours in that this is your first real relationship.

 

finding other people is all part of it for most of us, and you grow when you can learn to be more in tune with what you want but are also in tune with others and feel comfortable in your choices (and they are fair and wont hurt for fun...that's where talking and being honest comes in)….why settle for second best.

 

 

if you separate you will soon find out the truth about your own needs, you heart, your vulnerabilities etc...but you can do it at your own pace and time without having to feel bad, explain or feel pressured. this guy is either right or he is not....I think time away however hard it will be, is the only thing that can give you an opportunity to build your self.

 

don't see this as throwing the towel in as you say, see it as putting the towel in the washing machine and leaving it to dry on the line for a while where it can dry natuatlly and fluff up and smell a lot fresher.

 

when you then go back to fetch the towel from the line (or at least view it with fresh eyes again) you might think ah yes my "favourite" towel its great to have it back and put it back where it belongs.... or you might think, this is old thing, its worn, faded and just not as colourful as I need anymore, my needs have changed and I fancy a new pattern.

 

well there you have it. its not that much different from what I was saying before, only this time I am probably saying don't wait to heal and then greive again...pull of the plaster and let the fresh air (of time) heal the wounds.

 

I think you need to be brave and ask yourself how you are feeling now that you don't have the crush using you and pat yourself on the back for speaking up to stop yourself being a doormat. you need to put your partner in the same boat for a while, and I think only then will you see if you really want to keep having to adapt who you are and what you do to please someone who is just going thorugh the motions of a relationship with you.

 

it doesn't sound like love to me, and from all the abuse you've suffered big or small, I think LOVE is the one thing you do need.

 

love and respect from you to yourself again, and when you have that strength, you can and will give it to a new and exciting partner that feels as excited and sparks with you.

 

be kind to yourself, and be brave. I don't think you will get far with this guy you are with, and if you do...can you honestly say he will be the one for the rest of your life???? if he cant? then is there any point in just hangin in thar?

 

ok, that's my bit. you've cooled things once with someone not really right for you, and I think you need to do that again (and remember you can go back after the separation if you know you want him).

 

but I think you need to give it a go, for your own sense of self and to start to really take control in your life again where relationships are concerned.

 

you've let others control and you've accepted things that are not making you happy. separating will give you the real chance to see what makes you happy and what needs to be thrown away or changed.

 

GOOD LUCK...even if it doesn't sound ideal, it is an honest reply. and whatever happens I DO WISH YOU WELL FOR THE FUTURE....I think you can and should find the courage again to start speaking up for yourself.

 

the guy accepted what you said and if your partner really loves you and can see what it is you are really trying to do (strengthen yourself and see if you really are meant to stay together) then he will be by your side , he wont like it but he will wait for you and hope things can work.....if he doesn't!!!! then you will know he either isn't that mature!!!! or that concerned really about you as a couple!