preraph Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 I'm trying to imagine any judge trying to change the custody because someone spanked a bully for bullying a special needs child. It just wouldn't happen. Judges are on the side of law & order. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
zouz71 Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 It is SO not OK for A. The step mom to be spanking! and B. Spanking a 13 year old at ALL, nevermind when other consequences were already in place!!!! I was spanked at FIFTEEN - basically my mother forced my father to spank my sister and me because we were driving a car without a license in a church parking lot (an older boy's car) while waiting for our parents after church. Honestly, I was, and still am probably, emotionally scarred by the whole incident. It was humiliating. My mom remembers none of it. (I was spanked a lot as a child. I don't think my mom knew of any other mode of punishment. She blames Dr. James Dobson, but that's a whole 'nother thread.) I'd be angry beyond words if I were you. Of course your son NEEDS consequences for his actions which were terrible, but spanking is NOT it. Violence is not a way to punish a child, But sometimes kids drives you nuts and they need to recognize that their actions can not be forgiven. Huge mistakes triggers a spanking or a violent act , I would assume that yourself if you were not spanked the time you drove a car irresponsibly you would have repeated it on a high way where you might kill somebody or kill yourself . Will that be less dramatic ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 I doubt any court would even allow a case like that to be brought in. It’s not like the step mom left marks on the kid. Calling it violence is a bit of a stretch. The truth is, it’s better for a boy to be with his mother for his younger years. For the majority of serial killers, they were shunned, abused or rejected by their mothers. As they get older, boys definitely need their dad. They need both parents but if it comes down to one or the other, it seems the mother should raise the son, but I also believe that a father has just as much influence on his daughter. So it cuts both ways. It seems that the opposite sex parent has the biggest influence on their child. This is why fathers should get close to their daughters and guide them, accept them, etc. Women don’t tend to turn into serial killers if they have negligent fathers, but they will do other destructive things - like marrying badly, not valuing themselves, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 So basically, they bullied your son, for bullying a child with special needs. There are so many wrongs here, it’s hard to find anybody doing anything right. You have the right to advocate for your child, because a step parent disciplining a child that is not their biological child is crossing a boundary. And physical violence toward a child at any age is not appropriate. It solves nothing. The other issue you must address is why your child thought it was acceptable to bully another child, particularly when that other child has special needs. Let’s hope this is a learning experience, and not a way of being for your child... You have some talking to do, with your child and your ex-husband. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 I doubt any court would even allow a case like that to be brought in. It’s not like the step mom left marks on the kid. Calling it violence is a bit of a stretch. So, one can only call it child abuse if there are marks left on a child... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 (edited) She used violence as a punishment for violence. That makes no sense to me. Reminds me of a time when my two year old niece went through a yelling phase. When she didn’t want to do something, she would yell “No!” Her mother would raise her voice and respond “Don’t yell at me.” I would think to myself... what exactly are you trying to teach her... Similarly, that was a case of do as I say, not as I do... Edited February 20, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
grays Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 I have 50/50 custody of my boys and I’d lose my mind if my ex hit them or allowed someone to hit them. And if I did it he’d go crazy. We agree on very little, but neither of us is ok with any kind of violence. I can hardly believe it’s still legal to hit kids. It feels very odd to me that the only people it’s legal to physically assault are children and only by the adults who are supposed to love them. Mind blowing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 Spanking a teenager is not an appropriate punishment as it doesn't result in the desired outcome. When I was little and got spanked I had myself a little cry, said I was sorry, learned my lesson and then forgot about it. When my step dad was still giving me spanking with the belt when I was 13 and 14 that brought out a whole different outcome. When he would hit me it would fill me with a white hot rage inside. I didn't learn any lesson other than I hated being hit with my whole being and I hated the person who hit me. Afterwards I would go to my room and enjoy fantasizing about how I was going to kill him someday. I would make it a long drawn out tortuous affair to ensure he suffered immensely. Imagine if you did something wrong at work and your boss called you into the office so he could spank you. The way that make you feel is exactly the way a teenager would feel. If you would feel like being hit by your boss is humiliating and insulting, well that's exactly how it makes a teenager feel. Teenagers are plenty old enough to learn their lessons through other means. Spanking them is not a good idea unless you want to end up with rage filled angry young adult on your hands. The goal should be to teach, not to breed anger and violence. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 (edited) The only people it’s legal to physically assault are children and only by the adults who are supposed to love them. Mind blowing. Absolutely agreed. Except, it’s not exactly legal. A call to CPS would warrant an investigation and at that point, the parents have lost control of the situation. Edited February 20, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 Smacking or spanking a child is illegal in my country, if that happened here she would be arrested. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 Absolutely, Anika. Well said!! I agree 100%. My daughter was a super easy child and I'm sure she must have gotten swatted a few times on the butt, but I really do not remember it, and I know for sure she doesn't recall spankings. My son was a completely different story and he was probably spanked maybe 15 (?) times by the time he turned 5 or 6, but never after that because it wasn't necessary. Other types of punishments took over....effectively. There is no reason, ever, to physically strike a teen. And to be honest, if I were starting parenting all over again (18 years ago today I became one, sniff sniff), I probably would choose to never spank. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author torie09 Posted February 20, 2019 Author Share Posted February 20, 2019 I'm upset because it's not her place to spank my child. She needs to learn boundaries. He was complaining that it hurt. That's not okay. Link to post Share on other sites
Tamfana Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 Tell your ex and his wife that you disapprove of the hitting then focus on your son's bullying. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 Well, I'm sure the special-needs kid was feeling even worse than he was. Your kid needs to learn some empathy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 Absolutely, Anika. Well said!! I agree 100%. My daughter was a super easy child and I'm sure she must have gotten swatted a few times on the butt, but I really do not remember it, and I know for sure she doesn't recall spankings. My son was a completely different story and he was probably spanked maybe 15 (?) times by the time he turned 5 or 6, but never after that because it wasn't necessary. Other types of punishments took over....effectively. There is no reason, ever, to physically strike a teen. And to be honest, if I were starting parenting all over again (18 years ago today I became one, sniff sniff), I probably would choose to never spank. I was exactly the same. Spanked my kids when they were little because I was spanked so that's all I knew but somewhere inside of me it never felt right and by the time they were both past 5 I just didn't do it anymore and they turned out to be great adults. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 I'm upset because it's not her place to spank my child. She needs to learn boundaries. He was complaining that it hurt. That's not okay. Can you elaborate on how your son was spanked? What exactly is a hardwood brush? Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 I'm upset because it's not her place to spank my child. She needs to learn boundaries. He was complaining that it hurt. That's not okay. Sounds like she spends more time raising him then you do...what did YOU do to address his bullying? I disagree with the premise that a custodial step parent doesn’t have parental rights to discipline a child. Those people are saints because they are doing the day to day parenting of kids they didn’t birth. Do you complain when she does homework with him or helps him study for a test or picks him up from school? Or cooks and does laundry? As for spanking a teenager. I don’t know the specifics. Did he hit the other kid? How long has he been bullying? Has he been grounded, had electronics removed, been defiant still? One of my good friends recently had to spank her 10 year old. He was being a complete jerk...even after being grounded, etc...and the Dad threatened a spanking and kid smart mouthed back saying “you won’t spank me” so she was backed into the “if you don’t follow through” corner. My kid is too young to have walked this road yet. I will admit he’s gotten a swat on a hand a few times. When I’ve said “don’t hit Mommy, it hurts” or “don’t punch Mommy it hurts” and he kept it up...I’ve smacked or pinched the offending hand so he got the point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 Can you elaborate on how your son was spanked? What exactly is a hardwood brush? Also, what was the context? Did he refuse to write the apology letter? Link to post Share on other sites
Author torie09 Posted February 20, 2019 Author Share Posted February 20, 2019 Can you elaborate on how your son was spanked? What exactly is a hardwood brush? a wooden hairbrush. I texted my ex a long paragraph going off on her earlier today. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 What about the kid your son was bullying? What have you texted about that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 (edited) a wooden hairbrush. I texted my ex a long paragraph going off on her earlier today. Well, I’m sure that is going to be well received and help the group of you to come together to deal with the issue... not. Not saying that your son wasn’t right to talk with you and you don’t have a right to be concerned that your husbands partner hit your child, but have you considered that your 13 year old son is splitting the group of you. In much the same way that a child will go to his father, when his mother says no... By talking with you and having you go off on your ex and his wife, it takes the focus off your son and creates a different kind of conflict within the “family.” Parenting this situation is going to quite a challenge. Sending a text to your ex “going off” on his partner is not going to be good enough... Edited February 20, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 (edited) Yeah I don't know. My dad never raised a hand to me. Got the wooden spoon a few times from ma when I was little, never thought much of it. That being said, I would not be surprised if he hauled back and knocked me one if I was mocking a retarded kid. I was taught we should protect and look out for people who are weaker or ostracized. And I don't think I would've held it against him. But I get where you're coming from, it really should have been the father if anyone, maybe it was a special trigger for her or who knows, I'd be careful of blowing it out of proportion (not that I think you are yet) but you may end up looking like a real heel ('you don't have to deal with this kids bull all the time' or 'easy for you to say so when you just let him party all weekend with you' or 'this is why he thinks he can get away with whatever he wants') or genuinely detrimental to the young man's development, which obviously requires some correction and discipline. I doubt this was the single only disciplinary issue they've had with him and that he otherwise is perfect other than this isolated incident - if you take my meaning. Hope you talk with son and father (separately) and reach an understanding, maybe you could insist that specifically the stepmom not apply corporal punishment - if he thinks its so OK make him take responsibility for it. Edited February 20, 2019 by Orokotikki remove xtra crlf Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 he will soon be big enough to retaliate, she showed him how to be violent, bad move, he might wap somebody due to the learned behavior, might be step-mom 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 Sounds like you're more interested in criticizing your ex's wife than what your son did, which was heinous. Guessing that's why you don't have primary custody. Even if you disagree with it, you should never have let your son know you were anything but a united front on his discipline. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 a wooden hairbrush. I texted my ex a long paragraph going off on her earlier today. Why didn't you speak directly to her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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