torie09 Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 my son is 13 and his dad has primary custody but I get him every other weekend. I just found out he's been bullying a special needs kid and got ISS for 3 days. his stepmom grounded him for 2 weeks with no electronics and made him write an apology letter to the kid. all of this i'm ok with because he deserves to be punished BUT she also spanked him. My son told me she used her hand and a hard wood brush but theres no bruising. He said it hurt a lot and he was sore for awhile after. I'm LIVID. This woman has no right to touch my son. His father approves of what she did and I'm ready to cuss her tf out. What should I do?
Mrin Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 Focus on why your son was bullying a special needs child 8
basil67 Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 You're probably not as livid as the mother of the child he bullied. While I'd personally use punishment which doesn't involve violence, it does sound like your son also needs support in becoming a better man. What was behind his bullying of the SN child? If you have an issue with the spanking, speak to your ex. He's the decision maker there, so it's his call. 6
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 It is SO not OK for A. The step mom to be spanking! and B. Spanking a 13 year old at ALL, nevermind when other consequences were already in place!!!! I was spanked at FIFTEEN - basically my mother forced my father to spank my sister and me because we were driving a car without a license in a church parking lot (an older boy's car) while waiting for our parents after church. Honestly, I was, and still am probably, emotionally scarred by the whole incident. It was humiliating. My mom remembers none of it. (I was spanked a lot as a child. I don't think my mom knew of any other mode of punishment. She blames Dr. James Dobson, but that's a whole 'nother thread.) I'd be angry beyond words if I were you. Of course your son NEEDS consequences for his actions which were terrible, but spanking is NOT it. 5
Mr. Lucky Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 my son is 13 and his dad has primary custody I'm afraid primary custody, in most states, means dad is the decision maker. You can talk to him, but your opinion may not matter any more than ours. Sorry... Mr. Lucky 3
Normm Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 It's rather unusual for dad to get primary custody, were there extenuating circumstances? Maybe you could petition him for 50/50 custody and gain an edge in terms of having some control over the life of your child. As suggested above, as things currently stand, it's dad's call, as the noncustodial parent you have rather limited influence. 3
bathtub-row Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 As a step-parent to your child, I believe she had every right to do what she did. She and your ex are raising him, just as you are. She can't be expected to sit back and do nothing. I hope you're not supporting your son on this. What he did was very wrong and it's far better to be a little overly-strict than overly-lenient with a child, particularly with boys. Be comforted that your son isn't being raised as an entitled brat, which we're seeing a lot of these days. It would really benefit you to be supportive of the authority figures in your son's other home. If you start siding with him on these kinds of things, you're going to create a lot of problems and the person who will suffer the most is your son. If he's bullying, he obviously needs to be watched closely and needs a firm hand. If he doesn't get that, you may be visiting him in jail someday. I know that sounds extreme but kids can wreck their lives really quickly when they don't have guidance in their lives. 2
Wallysbears Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 Considering your ex (and in turn his wife) are raising your son the majority of the time, I'd guess they know more about what is going on then you do. The focus needs to be on why your 13 year old son is bullying, not whether he got 'spanked'. 4
amaysngrace Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 She used physical violence against him. I’d go to the court and file a motion to have him returned to my care immediately. I’d also bring up that he’s bullying and is not being brought up properly in his care. Something’s going on in that house and I’m pretty sure a judge would agree. 2
JuneL Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 She used physical violence against him. I’d go to the court and file a motion to have him returned to my care immediately. I’d also bring up that he’s bullying and is not being brought up properly in his care. Something’s going on in that house and I’m pretty sure a judge would agree. Are you sure OP even wants full custody of her son? As suggested, it’s rather unusual for the father to have full custody. 2
amaysngrace Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 As suggested, it’s rather unusual for the father to have full custody. Boys should be raised by their fathers with all things being equal, imo. It doesn’t strike me as unusual at all.
Wallysbears Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 We don't know enough about the situation to tell the OP to go to court and try to change custody. We also don't know if the kid lied to play his parents against each other, as some kids from divorced homes are apt to do. When you divorce, you don't get to know 100% of what is going on in the other house or weigh in on all parenting decisions. And I highly doubt spanking is going to be grounds (in and of itself) for a change in custody. 2
JuneL Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 Boys should be raised by their fathers with all things being equal, imo. It doesn’t strike me as unusual at all. Not sure if many judges would agree with you. 1
amaysngrace Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 I think it’s in the best interest of a boy to be raised by his father if he’s a good dad. I’m sure some judges would agree, like perhaps the one OP went before.
JuneL Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 I think it’s in the best interest of a boy to be raised by his father if he’s a good dad. I’m sure some judges would agree, like perhaps the one OP went before. So you meant it’s better for the father (assuming he’s a competent one) to have 100% of a boy than for his parents (assuming both are competent) to have 50-50 custody? If you’re the mother in this situation, you’d happily let the father (assuming he’s competent) have 100% custody of the boy? 1
GorillaTheater Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 Torie, I'd say that you're son got off light. Is the problem here the fact it was the stepmom who administered the punishment? I'd be tempted to invite the neighbors and random passersby to take a whack or two with a hairbrush, too. Some teenager bullying a little special needs kid is horrible. Maybe he has issues. Who doesn't. But he'd better figure out pretty damn quick how to deal with them in other ways. 4
stillafool Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 my son is 13 and his dad has primary custody but I get him every other weekend. I just found out he's been bullying a special needs kid and got ISS for 3 days. his stepmom grounded him for 2 weeks with no electronics and made him write an apology letter to the kid. all of this i'm ok with because he deserves to be punished BUT she also spanked him. My son told me she used her hand and a hard wood brush but theres no bruising. He said it hurt a lot and he was sore for awhile after. I'm LIVID. This woman has no right to touch my son. His father approves of what she did and I'm ready to cuss her tf out. What should I do? You're his mom, what ARE YOU going to do and why haven't you already done it? What was your punishment to him for the bullying? 1
stillafool Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 So you meant it’s better for the father (assuming he’s a competent one) to have 100% of a boy than for his parents (assuming both are competent) to have 50-50 custody? If you’re the mother in this situation, you’d happily let the father (assuming he’s competent) have 100% custody of the boy? I can only imagine the uproar by women if this were to happen. 1
amaysngrace Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 Yea June, I don’t think swapping kids out mid-week is the best idea. I think they should have a permanent home. 1
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 my son is 13 and his dad has primary custody but I get him every other weekend. I just found out he's been bullying a special needs kid and got ISS for 3 days. his stepmom grounded him for 2 weeks with no electronics and made him write an apology letter to the kid. all of this i'm ok with because he deserves to be punished BUT she also spanked him. My son told me she used her hand and a hard wood brush but theres no bruising. He said it hurt a lot and he was sore for awhile after. I'm LIVID. This woman has no right to touch my son. His father approves of what she did and I'm ready to cuss her tf out. What should I do? She has no right to discipline your son that way! NO hitting! She handled it correctly until she laid a hand on him. You and your exH need to talk about this asap. How does your son feel about it? 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 I would be mortified to spank one of my teenagers, let alone someone else's teenager. I can't even imagine having it IN me to do that even if someone begged me to! (BTW, my kids were spanked when they were little)
preraph Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 You know, I definitely feel corporal punishment has no place in the day-to-day child-rearing, but I feel it's important to reserve it for extreme as well as life-threatening situations such as when your child has repeatedly broken away and run out in the street in front of cars. I consider bullying to be an extreme situation where it is justified and especially if your child is bullying a special needs child. She has the child under her household more than you do, so in my opinion like it or not she gets to have some say in the parenting and discipline. Whether you like it or resent it or not you should support it to him to give a united front so you don't undo the benefit and perhaps break him of being a little jerk. 1
preraph Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 Violence begets violence. Not when it's used rarely. Most people from my age group got the rare whoopin and none to my knowledge turned out violent. but if a child grows up and I generally violent household than that is quite another matter and it doesn't matter who it's directed to. 1
amaysngrace Posted February 20, 2019 Posted February 20, 2019 Not when it's used rarely. Most people from my age group got the rare whoopin and none to my knowledge turned out violent. but if a child grows up and I generally violent household than that is quite another matter and it doesn't matter who it's directed to. She used violence as a punishment for violence. That makes no sense to me. It also makes me wonder what OP’s house is like if this is the better alternative.
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