Is leaving the best thing?

[Mr. Lucky]

She just texted me and asked where I am staying tonight. I love this woman but if she doesn't come around in the next few days then it really would not matter how much time- she has moved on in her mind.

I refuse to live like that. She either loves and respects me or she doesn't.

 

Kind of a dangerous game of chicken the two of you are playing.

 

Is there a reason marriage counseling isn't at least on the table? 26 years with young kids, seems worth fighting for...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Adotta]

Kind of a dangerous game of chicken the two of you are playing.

 

Is there a reason marriage counseling isn't at least on the table? 26 years with young kids, seems worth fighting for...

 

Mr. Lucky

You have a point. But it's his choice. He is at ground level. He knows what's up. And what makes you think this is a game of chicken? If neither person flinched it doesn't result in a crash but a divorce. If No One was willing to back down and lower their head.... kinda goes to show the state of the marriage doesn't it? I think of it more like tug of war. If both sides are stuck in an unending tugging match instead of walking together.... isn't it better to simply cut the rope?

 

Look. Op I'm not trying to root you on for a divorce as much as it may seem so. If you feel there is a way towards a better marriage with your wife... go for it! That's the best ending. If you could come back 6 months from now and tell us about how GREAT the marriage is now, that would make me extremely pleased and happy for you.

 

I just caution against hope controlling thought and a wait and see approach. If you think there is a chance to work things out you owe it to yourself to try. Don't burn years trying though. I sounds like you already burned a few trying.

So many spouses get screwed over when they are unwilling to put their foot down and make any demands. It's sounds pig headed I know, but the alternative when you are dealing with an uncooperative partner is suffering along scooping up table scraps.

 

Have you tried marriage counseling yet op? HAVE you actually breached these subjects in depth with your wife. Have you truly made your concerns well known and tried to find an accommodating middle ground. One where both parties can be happy? And if you have... what else can anyone here recommend besides a SHUT UP AND DEAL WITH IT approach?

Edited February 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[imfine]

Did you read any of his posts? <snip>

 

I read them, or I wouldn't have responded. Unlike you, I don't think marriage is something to dismiss as easily as you seem to. I also find it reckless to jump to so many conclusions when it comes to people's lives.

Edited February 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[preraph]

Sorry you're going through this. Let's assume there's been no affair or even emotional affair. I equate this being on the phone 500 times a day with work or anyone to be the same type of checking out as for example a guy who comes home and just stays on the video games all night.

 

maybe you should ask her how would you like it if I had come home every day and just gotten on video games and stayed in my room playing video games instead of interacting with you. It's being checked out mentally. It hardly even matters if she didn't family affair get emotionally involved.

 

not sure it's worth a divorce without first trying counseling to make her understand why you wouldn't be able to stand this. So try to stay open to that.

[Adotta]

I read them, or I wouldn't have responded. Unlike you, I don't think marriage is something to dismiss as easily as you seem to. I also find it reckless to jump to so many conclusions when it comes to people's lives.

Your response was basically "boo hoo. You feel inferior and like a spoiled child because she has this new job. Get over it. Are you happy with the sex? Then shut up!!" But what you failed to notice is he already addressed those points. No marriage isn't something to easily dismiss. But neither do I think someone should cling to a marriage as if it's a life raft in a stormy sea. That cuts your options down to basically... sit and swivel on it. Suck it up. And hey at least you still get sex! That's not a marriage. It's a self imposed prison cell.

 

This is a simple problem with simple solutions. 1 she works with him. They move forward and fix the problem. 2 she doesn't. He leaves. She is no longer his problem. 3 she doesnt... And he stays. He is miserable. But hey..... at least the sanctity of marriage is maintained!!

 

He has already tried number 1 from what he says. So that leaves number two and 3. Which is the better of those 2 options in your mind?

Edited February 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[JAG_03]

Well said. And I agree- Marriage is not something you can just throw away but settling in life isn't too much fun either.

 

Well here is an update- Me leaving did make it real for my wife. I came back home and we talked about things but this time I was a little distant.

 

She did not like it- and I explained to her that this is how she makes me feel everyday.

She understood and now we have both agreed to just love each other because what we have is unique. Be thankful and appreciate each other.

Edited February 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[elaine567]

She understood and now we have both agreed to just love each other because what we have is unique. Be thankful and appreciate each other.

 

Thank God for that.

I was a bit worried for a while that you were going to throw it all away, but no.

Good news.

[Adotta]

Well said. And I agree- Marriage is not something you can just throw away but settling in life isn't too much fun either. Well here is an update- Me leaving did make it real for my wife. I came back home and we talked about things but this time I was a little distant. She did not like it- and I explained to her that this is how she makes me feel everyday.

She understood and now we have both agreed to just love each other because what we have is unique. Be thankful and appreciate each other.

As long as there are changes. Sometimes words are said, but actions don't change.

 

Good luck mate.

Edited February 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Turning point]

<snip>And I don't care what anyone here says, you wife is sending a lot of red flags. Stop pussy footing and investigate. If you have the money leave town for a few days and hire a PI. If you don't have the money get your hands on her phone and rip it apart for the data. Run some recovery program on it.<snip>

 

[]Women are not unique - EVERYONE finds a person who takes ownership of their own life attractive. That's not unique to one gender. What is unique, is that a lot of women DOWNGRADE when they have an affair, which is why they don't leave their marriages. Just read the OW forum to see how women pine delusional about the men who are using them FOR YEARS!

 

OP, there's more to your wife's story than she lets on. However, you've both come a long way and her career is so intrinsically empowering to her it will be very difficult to untangle whatever emotional or romantic involvement there is. You should be very clear with your self about what you want before you start down that path.

 

Yes, there are red flags:

 

1.) Crying she can't adequately explain.

2.) Excessive after hours phone use

3.) Reflexive sheltering of her phone

4.) Ambiguous and unnecessary contact from co workers (Deviled Eggs)

 

There is a fine line between camaraderie and intrusion. At the very least her work and coworkers are intruding upon her family life and she allows it. You too, are not innocent in this. 2 nites a week out of town is NOT a luxury - it is a burden upon the family. You both need to examine your priorities in light of your own family histories. Neither of you is immune to accepting unhealthy patterns and weak communication as normal.

Edited February 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[anika99]

Well said. And I agree- Marriage is not something you can just throw away but settling in life isn't too much fun either.

 

Well here is an update- Me leaving did make it real for my wife. I came back home and we talked about things but this time I was a little distant.

 

She did not like it- and I explained to her that this is how she makes me feel everyday.

She understood and now we have both agreed to just love each other because what we have is unique. Be thankful and appreciate each other.

 

What does this even mean? You've both agreed to just love each other and appreciate each other. Okay and how are you going to make that happen? Did you reach some sort of agreement regarding the phone? Or the other concerns you have had? I don't see how "we agreed to just love each other" fixes or changes anything.

[Orokotikki]

Look, when (if) the shady stuff starts up again, shut your yap and hire a PI, go investigative, to figure out whats really going on. Start saving some funds for it now, and if it never comes up? Great, a rainy day fund.

 

I know my view is colored by my experiences, but your story raises alarm bells for me.

[Turning point]

Kind of a dangerous game of chicken the two of you are playing.

 

Is there a reason marriage counseling isn't at least on the table? 26 years with young kids, seems worth fighting for...

 

 

This so true.

 

Op, this game of chicken isn't going to turn out well for you. It's unlikely you'll acquire her respect by demanding she subjugate her own self respect. You may see some short term chasing on her part but, eventually she'll just see how unhealthy this is and let you go.

 

I think brinkmanship instead of counseling will reap a disaster that could easily have been avoided. Your marriage sounds so fixable and yet, there's these huge egos getting in the way.

 

You don't really mention much about your youngest child, which is kind of odd since you say you work from home and yet are gone 2 nights a week. As over involved as your wife is at work, you're not coming across as 100% authentic about your part in this.

 

Regarding "deviled eggs" - it doesn't have to mean anything and therefore it's just needless communication that doesn't have to happen, and creates distance between you. So does running off to a motel room. Allowing people to contact us in a whim and running away to motel rooms are both crappy things to do to a marriage.

[Marc878]

500 calls or texts a day?

 

Geeze man. There is no way that Much is business related.

 

You leaving your home to get her to pay attention? Then running back is very High Schoolish. All you did was pout then come back which tells you she can do as she pleases.

 

If it were me I'd take a good look at what all the communication was about. Ask her for her phone. People hide nothing if there's nothing to hide. Then do a text recovery on it. You want/need some verification over a very big red flag. If she doesn't agree you have your answer.

 

There is no such thing as that kind of privacy in a marriage. 500 per day!!! Wake up no one would swallow that.

 

OH and if she is cheating they tend to lie a lot in case you didn't know that. If it is an affair she's not going to admit it. Ever.

Edited February 27, 2019 by Marc878

[Turning point]

500 calls or texts a day?

 

I'm pretty sure that's an exaggeration. If you got a decent night sleep and then ONLY sent text messages during every waking hour of the day - you'd have to start typing your next reply within 90 seconds of the last message received and do this continuously for 16 hours.

 

Anyway, It's the patterns that matter in phone records not the string quantity itself. Eliminate the legitimate patterns, and find the one's that don't fit with any relevant time line or originate from locations other than where they claim to be.

 

My ex used to call the kids and say she was right down the street and almost home - then 4 hours would go by and no mommy. Phone records would reveal she wasn't even in the same state.

[Oak]

The phone behavior concerns me the most. Forget about talking to her and buying books, I did that and it cost me years. It turned out that while I was doing that to try to improve my marriage, my ex had been cheating the whole time...for years. She was an amazingly good liar. My talking to her, expressing my concerns, etc, just made her hide her activity that much better. If I asked her about phone records, she'd switch to an app, etc. She even stopped screwing her AP for months because she knew I was suspicious. Eventually, things settled down and she went right back at it with him.

 

If you really suspect she is cheating (and I think you have reason to, although I am admittedly biased), my advice based on my experience, is to keep your mouth shut and your eyes and ears open. Don't let on that you suspect anything...ever. Check phone records, make notes of odd things that come up and keep those notes hidden away. Eventually, over time, the notes may help you put things together as you start to learn new things or see patterns develop. However, I believe the quickest way to get to the truth would be to hide a VAR in her car...that is very commonly advised here as well.

 

Whatever you decide, the next time you have suspicions, don't say a thing.

[JAG_03]

The phone behavior concerns me the most. Forget about talking to her and buying books, I did that and it cost me years. It turned out that while I was doing that to try to improve my marriage, my ex had been cheating the whole time...for years. She was an amazingly good liar. My talking to her, expressing my concerns, etc, just made her hide her activity that much better. If I asked her about phone records, she'd switch to an app, etc. She even stopped screwing her AP for months because she knew I was suspicious. Eventually, things settled down and she went right back at it with him.

 

If you really suspect she is cheating (and I think you have reason to, although I am admittedly biased), my advice based on my experience, is to keep your mouth shut and your eyes and ears open. Don't let on that you suspect anything...ever. Check phone records, make notes of odd things that come up and keep those notes hidden away. Eventually, over time, the notes may help you put things together as you start to learn new things or see patterns develop. However, I believe the quickest way to get to the truth would be to hide a VAR in her car...that is very commonly advised here as well.

 

Whatever you decide, the next time you have suspicions, don't say a thing.

 

Thanks All

 

Oak- so let me ask you- during the time your wife was cheating, was she still affectionate, caring, loving, sex on a regular basis, etc. Because- we seem as close as ever- its quite confusing.

[Chaparral]

Can you be more specific about her and her phone? Does she protect it from you? Does she leave it lying around or is it glued to her? Does she keep it under her pillow at night? Do you have any access to it?

 

Has she bought underwear she doesn’t wear for you? Has she change any personal grooming habits? Have you caught her in any lies at all?

 

Get aVAR for her car and one for the house when you are gone.

 

Btw, she put her boss down n Snapchat? That is known as the cheaters app.

Edited March 1, 2019 by Chaparral

[oldtruck]

Thanks All

 

Oak- so let me ask you- during the time your wife was cheating, was she still affectionate, caring, loving, sex on a regular basis, etc. Because- we seem as close as ever- its quite confusing.

 

With some WW's the affair puts their desire into overdrive and their

BH gets more sex during the PA, some WW's the level of sex never

changes, some WW's stop having sex with their BH because they

do not want to cheat on their OM an a lot of OM request that the

WW stops putting out for their BH.

 

So to me the only true indicators of having an affair: 1) is when the

WW cuts off sex for her BH, and: 2) there is a increase in the WW's

desire for sex before the affair turns physical, then she cuts off sex

with her BH.