NC? Do I reach out? Does she? Move on?

[fallinginreverse54]

Thanks all

Edited February 16, 2019 by fallinginreverse54

[fallinginreverse54]

Where do I even begin. I just turned 30 and my EX gf is 26. I was dating my ex gf for 5+ years, we lived together for 3. I payed the rent and most of the bills while she payed utilities and food here and there. It was a seemingly healthy relationship, we usually split everything and it just worked. We laughed together, small arguments here and there, play wrestled each other, had weird nicknames for everything. She got me into a lot of shows like Game of Thrones. We spent a lot of time cuddling up next to each other, sleeping together. We moved places, got new jobs together. Traveled to Colorado together. We had our ups and downs. We were more than gf bf, we were also best friends. We basically did everything together.

 

Towards the last year of our relationship, our schedules conflicted a lot. I worked overnight doing IT support and came home early in the morning, while she worked 6 days a week and came home at night. The only time we really got to hang out was Sunday. On Sundays we usually did errands or cleaned the house, watched Netflix or go out. A lot of the time, her parents would want to hang out on Sunday and it would kind of irk me because I wanted to spend time with her.. (I still saw her parents here and there, they would invite us to dinner and holiday parties, so I thought it wasn't a big deal). We started getting into arguments about it, telling me I dont see her family enough. I would tell her to take a day off or switch to 5 days a week but she never did. We argued about that too. It got to the point where I would have to wake her up in the mornings to go do things, and I could tell she wasn't interested but did it anyways.

 

When we first met she was a bit overweight and so I guess she has been self conscious of it ever since. She was working at a salon (she hated it), but then transferred to her dads Kickboxing Studio (where she worked 6 days a week) and she lost a bunch of weight and I guess brought her confidence back up. She was obsessed with it, eating healthy and working out, and it became her passion. I should have supported her more with it, I went with her at one point, but stopped going because I was tired from my overnight job and was it was a lot of cardio and I was already skinny as is. Although I did hit the gym every now and then. She would always ask me to go kickboxing with her, or watch her teach a class but stupid me never did. I regret it so much. I sometimes think she just became too good for me at that point. Her parents would also invite us to her Christmas parties, or there house, I was hesitant and last year didn't go to her Christmas party (she had weird relatives) BUT I went to church and spent Christmas eve with her parents, and her with mine, so I thought we were cool? I just had bad social anxiety which is why I tended to not go to the parties.

 

I admit I smoked weed a lot, played video games and got somewhat complacent in the relationship AND comfortable, acted like a damn child in front of her, although I still loved her and thought I showed it. I took care of her old dog while she worked and she was happy about that, I payed the bills, gave her love and affection but I definitely could have been a better boyfriend nonetheless. She was really good to me. Wherever I went or whatever I did, I just wanted her to come be with me and she would. Towards the end of the relationship, we barely saw each other and I could tell she just wasn't happy whenever I wanted to do stuff in the mornings, I just thought she was tired. We became like an old married couple, doing chores, errands, watching shows sleeping and working. I wanted to travel with her more, and do fun stuff but we could never because of our schedules and her reluctance to take a day off work (I had 3 days off a week so I was always down to do whatever). She started getting distant, hanging with her friends more, not sleeping at the apt when I worked overnight.

 

Towards the last couple of weeks, I noticed her being really sketchy with her phone (any time I walked by, she would put her phone down). I brushed it off because I trusted her (stupid me). Anyways, one day we did our usual stuff together (went out for breakfast, went grocery shopping, redid the bathroom, cleaned the apt), everything seemed normal. Towards the end of the night I wanted to be intimate but she was acting odd and distant. I knew something was up and has been up for a while now. I asked if she was happy and for some reason asked if she saw a future with us. She started crying and said she was struggling with that thought and ultimately ended up breaking up with me. We both kind of started crying, and talking about the issues we had. I asked if there was anyone else, she said no. She said she felt detached that I didn't go to her Christmas party, as if it was normal that I was never there. She also told me she wished I would have gotten her a promise ring to show some sort of commitment, but I do not remember her ever asking for one, not like she should anyways. She also said she wished we would have gone to couple therapy but its all too late now. I had bad anxiety hearing her say this stuff, pleaded with her to try to fix it but she just mentioned she felt disconnected. She kissed me on the forehead, I rubbed her hand over my face, just sobbing and she took the dog and left. I was left in the apt alone, just miserable. I texted her the next morning asking if she was okay, and she said yes and hoped I was too. The next day I called her, no answer, but left a short VM. She didn't call back so I gave her space for a few days.

 

This is when something weird happened, the next morning I got a message at 2AM from a fake Facebook profile that ended up being my best friend at the time. He would come over and chill with us here and there, so he was friends with both of us. What he told me just ruined me, that while he was on the couch with her, he noticed she had been snap chatting with some dude, taking selfies, and going into the bathroom for a while doing who knows what. He literally saw her doing it, while I had my back turned or was on the computer. He saw her flipping to snap chat and then flipping to Facebook once I walked by or when she thought someone noticed. I guess she had been doing it for a while since I had noticed weeks before that she was being sketchy with her phone. I got pretty angry with this and it kind of made sense as to why she was acting the way she did. I never thought she would do this or would leave me, but that was my mistake for being too comfortable. I packed up all her stuff into garbage bags, and the next day acted like I didn't know and texted her asking if we can talk, since I didn't know what we were at this point. She had been gone for 3-4 days with barely saying anything. She texted me back saying she made her intentions clear and she could pick up her stuff while I was at work and leave the key under the mat and she was going to come pick up her stuff soon.

 

I was pretty angry with this as she still did not admit what she was doing. I told her to try and come tonight when she got off work so I can have the key back and she agreed. I wanted to confront her in person, face to face. When she came back to our place, she noticed all her stuff was already packed, It was all in my car at that point. I mentioned that I did all the hard-work for her. As we were walking to our cars, I asked about the dog and she was being very friendly with the convo. I told her to park her car next to mine so I can give her things back and that's when I confronted her. I tried to get her to admit multiple times if there was anyone else but she kept denying it. I just peered into what felt like her soul and I finally mentioned the guys name, told her I knew everything and she just looked dejected and she knew she was caught. She said she f***ed up. I asked her why (she said she felt disconnected), I told her I trusted her and how could she do this literally behind my back, on our couch, in our bathroom. After 5 years I felt like I meant nothing to her. She admitted to it but didn't really seem sorry, just caught. I asked to see the snaps, and who he was and she argued with me saying she didn't want to do this right now. I took all her stuff (makeup, clothes, food) that were in the garbage bags out of my trunk and dropped them next to her car. I regret saying this but as I was walking to my car I told her to stay the **** out of my life and I just got in my car and drove off to my friends house.

 

That was the last I heard from her, it has been a little over a month of strict NC, removed her from all social media. I have had time to think about everything and realized how much I took her for granted, how there was no communication about how she felt, but she still did what she did. I wish I reacted better when confronting her but my emotions took over me. My main thing is, I still love her, more than anything. I know you will probably tell me to move on but 5 years seems so long for it just end the way it did. I want to reach out to her, but I don't know if I should. Do I say sorry for my faults in the relationship, for reacting the way I did or should she? did I react badly and close the door to any future reconciliation? I don't know what to do, have no idea if she actually with this guy, I can only assume. I've been working on myself (hitting the gym, working, hanging out with friends, stopped smoking) but I feel so low and empty. I dream about her all the time and I miss her so much. Do you think she will ever reach out to me again? Or should I? I almost feel like this was my fault, taking her for granted, being to comfortable thinking she wouldn't leave and pushing her into another mans arms.

 

Help.

[Thingsfallapart]

She started getting distant, hanging with her friends more, not sleeping at the apt when I worked overnight.

 

 

 

Dude, you said yourself. She wasn’t just texting him.

 

She started getting distant, hanging with her friends (him) more, sleeping at (his) apt when I worked overnight.

 

She had monkeybranched out of the relationship and was hiding her time to leave you.

 

How can some people be so blind?

[preraph]

Text and ask her if she wants to try marriage counseling before calling it quits entirely. Then probably stay separated unless the counselor thinks it's okay to stay together temporarily during counseling.

 

I wouldn't write her "I forgive everything" because truth is, once you feel betrayed, you will never feel the same about her again. You may be secure enough and unjealous enough to get past it, but it will stay in your mind.

 

But reaching out after being together that long to just ask if she wants to go to marriage counseling together, where you BOTH work on your issues, is a mature reasonable thing to do. Just saying "I forgive you" really isn't. It's crawling back and once someone thinks they can do that and you'll come back, they have no reason to stop.