How Do I Differentiate Between serious and non-serious guys?

[Simple Logic]

None of these answers are answering the question

 

I am answering your question, you do not like the answer. In order to find a man who is willing to wait for marriage for sex with you, he also has to be committed to not having sex himself until marriage and see the Christian importance of that decision.

 

You state he need not be a virgin, but I doubt you would be happy with a man who dates you and gets sex on the side. Which is a likely event for a man who was previously sexual active.

[d0nnivain]

Just keep doing what you are doing. The boys may have been serious about you but they may have also not have realized that you were serious about your principles.

[basil67]

Those two guys probably were serious about you to start with. But when the fighting started, they realised that it was not a relationship to continue with. Do no ever make the mistake of thinking that someone will stick around when it becomes apparent that the relationship will involve too much arguing.

 

For future relationships, I'd advise you have a look at what those fights were about and what changes can be made to prevent them from happening. At only 3 months in, you should be on cloud nine - not fighting.

Edited February 12, 2019 by basil67

[PRW]

i'm Christian and waiting till marriage for sex so I need to be able to tell if a guy is serious or talking to me to see if eventually he can take my virginity. Is it possible for the guy to do all the things of a serious guy would do but all be fake? I usually tell guys at the beginning when they try to date me so they'll go on to showing serious intentions such as texting constantly, taking me out regularly to nice restaurants, flowers etc. And no matter what type of fight and difficult it gets they keep trying and trying but then they end up not trying if I fight with them or break up from a fight as opposed to before when they would.

I'm just going to focus on what you have in this first post. There is too much to chase down through the thread. Besides there is plenty here to deal with. What you are treating as good here is bad. What you are treating as bad is good. Now I am a Christian so I understand your theology and where you are coming from. You can debate with my grandma how good a Christian I am, but none-the-less, I am.

 

First thing,"How do you tell?....". Forget it. Don't worry about it. You've heard the old adage, "Look at what people do,...NOT what they say"? It is real simple,...just don't have sex with the guy and by somewhere between the 3rd and 5th or 6th date he will disappear and move on to more "profitable" targets. There is no point in telling the guy what you will and will not do. You just live consistently with what you want to have and the rest will take care of itself because you will not be attractive to the wrong kind of guy. They will get bored with you and leave.

 

Never ever ever "demand" you expect serious intentions from a guy. I am a Christian myself, yet if you did that to me I would run from you like the plague. Dating is about hanging out in a romantic context and having fun,...you let the rest take care of itself. It is not a "mission" and it is not an "assembly line".

 

If you ever get a guy who "texts constantly",...RUN,...run fast. That is horribly needy insecure clingy behavor and these type of guys will be the more dangerous to you. These are the guys who live in a state of fear, disappointment, and unfulfillment. They live almost in a constant state of desperation and in extreme cases they just can't take it any longer and will force themselves on someone. The guys who have a lot of sex aren't the dangerous ones,...they aren't needy and hungry for it because they "get it" more often and if you don't play along they just move on to the next target. Back to texting,...the phone is for setting dates and making arrangements. The phone is not for getting to know someone, visiting, "checking in", or validating someone's neediness. If you think you have to have this from the phone you are going to get burned every time.

 

I don't know what you are talking about with the fighting. There shouldn't be any fighting going on in the first place.

[stillafool]

The fights are a reality check.

 

From the guy's perspective, not only is he having to go a LONG time without sex to wait for marriage, but if there's any difficulties on top of that it's going to be very tempting to walk away.

 

Sex creates a bond. By not having sex, guys you've been dating several months are going to be less attached to you than they'd otherwise be. They're going to see no sex as a big negative, not feeling as close to you as they have to other girlfriends as a big negative, and fighting over something is the last straw. They'll think that maybe this relationship isn't giving a reward commensurate with the effort. So either the effort stops or the relationship does.

 

This is the reason you'd be better off dating guys with similar values - they won't be making the same judgement calls.

 

^^^THIS^^^ Plus no one likes to be with a person who is argumentative. Not saying you are but if you argue a lot with them they may view you that way and get turned off.

[stillafool]

Go to large churches where there are a lot of men and single groups. I'm sure you will find men there who want to wait until marriage before sex. I would date within that group. Be equally yoked.

[PRW]

You're defining "Christian" in a very specific way. So you should own that ... Most people who define themselves as "Christian" don't necessarily think being a virgin until marriage is what the faith is all about.

She is defining it the way it really is instead of what pop culture and political correctness define it as.

[stillafool]

Well first guy was same tradition and he was looking for a virgin to marry so it is same belief system. Second one bought me really nice gifts, made me soup, woke up very early like 5:30 and drove me to test location waited 7 hours for me to take my exam, bought me 800 MCM bag, nice gifts for my birthday, took me to nice expensive restaurants. The first guy constantly texted me, took me out to restaurants we talked about marriage we constantly fought and argued but he always made up then when I broke up last time he had given up. So that's why i ask how do I know?

 

He is doing what he was supposed to do to move on. You broke up with him more than once over arguments and the relationship sounded horribly toxic. He got tired of the arguing and wanted to be with someone more peaceful. Don't you want that too? It's boring and tiring to argue all the time.

[PRW]

Go to large churches where there are a lot of men and single groups. I'm sure you will find men there who want to wait until marriage before sex. I would date within that group. Be equally yoked.

Unfortunately most of them in those contexts are very timid, very beta, socially awkward, and not leaders. Of course it is like that in the rest of the world too, but it is just more exaggerated in the churches. But I do agree, that is where she should look primarily. She is just still going to have her work cut out for her that's all.

[stillafool]

You're defining "Christian" in a very specific way. So you should own that ... Most people who define themselves as "Christian" don't necessarily think being a virgin until marriage is what the faith is all about.

 

Then they would be wrong.

[stillafool]

Unfortunately most of them in those contexts are very timid, very beta, socially awkward, and not leaders. Of course it is like that in the rest of the world too, but it is just more exaggerated in the churches. But I do agree, that is where she should look primarily. She is just still going to have her work cut out for her that's all.

 

I don't find this to be true at all in the churches I go to. There are some really good looking guys who seem very manly and have their lives together.

[SevenCity]

Well first guy was same tradition and he was looking for a virgin to marry so it is same belief system. Second one bought me really nice gifts, made me soup, woke up very early like 5:30 and drove me to test location waited 7 hours for me to take my exam, bought me 800 MCM bag, nice gifts for my birthday, took me to nice expensive restaurants. The first guy constantly texted me, took me out to restaurants we talked about marriage we constantly fought and argued but he always made up then when I broke up last time he had given up. So that's why i ask how do I know?

 

You seem to rate these guys either on money they spend on you or attention they give you.

 

Anyway, think of it from a guys point of view. Would he rather be having sex with a girl he gets along with or not having sex with someone who argues with him and expects him to chase her after she’s broken up with him?

 

This is not about guys being serious or not, it’s about them not liking your behavior. The no sex thing is likely the final nail in the coffin.

 

What have you done for them? What have you bought for them? The way you describe the relationships seems heavily weighted in your favor.

 

Few men will put up with this. And those aren’t the kind of men women want.

[Kitty Tantrum]

It sounds like you're putting guys through the wringer - not just making them wait for sex, but picking fights, breaking up, and expecting them to still want to be with you?

 

Try this: be sweet and patient with them instead. Be kind and understanding. Be generous with your (non-sexual) affections. Proactively work on your wifely qualities and demonstrate those. Don't make outrageous demands. Don't pick fights. Don't break up unless the break up is PERMANENT.

 

"Breaking up" with a guy because you want him to work hard to win you back is insanely childish and won't win you trip to the altar with anyone worth marrying.

 

Stop giving them reasons to leave BESIDES not getting laid. The ones who can't/won't wait for it will break up with YOU, and the ones who are willing and able to wait will stick around - if you can demonstrate that you'll make a good wife.

[GraceAndJoy]

To answer your original question, OP, I believe it's very possible they were serious about seeing if you were "The One" if they lasted 3 months with you with a commitment to celibacy.

 

Those 3 months were testing if you were The One and you failed the test. They can leave the relationship anytime for any reason. If you were fighting a lot, you were not The One for them.

 

Be "The One" by picking compatible men and ending things early (permanently) if anything seems to be 'off.' Be the partner YOU would want to be with--sweet, kind, generous, affectionate, respectful, patient, diplomatic, etc. They have choice, after all.

 

And remember, dating to find a spouse for marriage-for-life is serious business. You are judging their CHARACTER...and by the way, this is not determined by gifts or frequency of texts. Judge them by their values and the way they interact with the world, and with you.

 

Good luck!

[PRW]

I don't find this to be true at all in the churches I go to. There are some really good looking guys who seem very manly and have their lives together.

Yes there is some variance. Also some have younger crowds, while others are almost all seniors. But for those who are as I described, they find churches a more accepting place to be than the rest of the world. so not saying it is a bad thing. but if you're looking for a mate it makes it more challenging.

[Annatinli]

It sounds like you're putting guys through the wringer - not just making them wait for sex, but picking fights, breaking up, and expecting them to still want to be with you?

 

Try this: be sweet and patient with them instead. Be kind and understanding. Be generous with your (non-sexual) affections. Proactively work on your wifely qualities and demonstrate those. Don't make outrageous demands. Don't pick fights. Don't break up unless the break up is PERMANENT.

 

"Breaking up" with a guy because you want him to work hard to win you back is insanely childish and won't win you trip to the altar with anyone worth marrying.

 

Stop giving them reasons to leave BESIDES not getting laid. The ones who can't/won't wait for it will break up with YOU, and the ones who are willing and able to wait will stick around - if you can demonstrate that you'll make a good wife.

 

 

Thank you that was VERY good advice and I truly appreciate it and will heed to it. God bless!

[mortensorchid]

If you have made the decision to wait until marriage for sex, that's your choice to do so. How to tell if the man will also respect this decision once they know this about you or before it gets to this point where it must be discussed? That's difficult to say. It would have to be based on how/where you met this person. If you met this guy in a bar, I would say no; if you met him at church, I would say more likely to respect it. And of course there is the online world, and there are people who are on websites that share said values, but beware of the ones who are also on said websites who claim said values but really don't.

 

So there is no one answer to tell you about how to screen if the man is or isn't respectful of your wish before you get to know him better. All I can say is if and when this is introduced, watch his reaction once you tell him. If it's a bad one, he's not for you, if it's a good one then perhaps he is.