what to make of this comment?

[preraph]

I'm going to bed soon. Would you like me to call in a few minutes. I'd like to hear your voice.

 

 

To me, this would sound like it's a 50/50 chance it's a phone sex bootie call. It sounds like first you're going to bed, and then you're going to call her.

 

Anyway, assuming her mind isn't as dirty as mine is and not knowing what has gone on before in texting, even if she didn't think that, don't know why you'd take offense that she says "No, I'm good." I mean, that could mean there's someone else present or that she's busy or any number of nonoffensive things. As it is, you know what it is and are still mad. Did you expect her to sit there and say sweet things with her mom standing there twiddling her thumbs? She was busy.

[FMW]

Bringing up calling her before you went to bed because you wanted to hear her voice is a little intense, at least for me. That's something I would like further into a relationship, but certainly not at the point you seem to be right now.

 

Calling her or suggesting calling her some time is fine. But again, the particular circumstances would probably have been a bit much for my taste.

 

But whatever the case, I wouldn't sweat it, I would move on. You are clearly not on the same page about things between you or things wouldn't have unfolded this way. Don't waste your time worrying about this one - someone else WILL be on the same page with you and you won't have this drama.

[fred123]

its strange how responses here have opened my mind.

you know guys can want to call girls. you know guys can want to call girls before they go sleep becsuse they have had busy days. you know guys might prefer speaking to a girl and hearing their voice rwther than text. and you know guys can want to speak and call a girl and it not ve dirty.

 

man i think women always thing worst of guys these days looking at responses here. i wonder if the thread i wrote if it was wriiten by a female OP would the responses be different.

 

anyways it is what it is. i think the rewponse is rude and disrespectful and a blow off. some people might think otherwise. each to their own and how they have been brought up i guess.

[Versacehottie]

I think her response was rude and I'm american if it matters as a point of reference. Talking about the wording and tone of her reply; yes rude.

 

Have you ever spoken to her by phone? "her" response was pretty over the top, seems almost like a deflection of not wanting to talk on the phone.

 

I think the "normal" response would have been of course: "I can't, i'm with my mom right now." Which even if she said that at least it would have been the reason or excuse (possibly the true one). Sometimes americans have a blunt tone so if she said it with the blunt way i wrote; it would have been at least normal american bluntness. Which TBH i still don't find that great if she DOES like you and care about you. Would just be more normal for a girl who likes you to let you down more softly, sweeter and give you some alternative.

 

All of this said, I think the way you called her out could have been much better. So maybe it doesn't surprise how quickly things devolved and why she was so defensive. Oh well, i don't think you are missing much. Her initial reply shows a lot about the kind of person she is.

[fred123]

how would you have called her out?

 

sorry i wasnt clear in my opening post. i had messaged her saying " hey your comment the other day i felt was quite rude and i was a little bit annoyed about it if im honest. it came across pretty cold and blunt."

she then went on to explain in a very rude way how i should respect her answr for no and she was busy.

 

i tried to explain to her that wasnt my issue it was they she said it and came across that was all. i of course respect peoples answers and understand they are busy but if you like someone thats not how u respond no?

Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Versacehottie]

I don't know if I have the perfect way to call her out. Using "call her out" as just a term to mean that you communicate how it made you feel. I tend to think it's best to talk about how something made you feel. Or in your case you could have started by explaining why you wanted to talk to her on the phone before you went to sleep. If that's not a regular thing you guys do, then maybe she did think you were meaning to sext her. I think light-hearted is the way to go initially because it usually gets people to understand your point of view without putting them on the defense.

 

Now that you have explained how you really told her, it doesn't sound as bad as in your OP. Still it's not the best. You have summed up what happened by telling it as if it's a fact rather than your perspective, which will put people on the defense. Also you used words like annoyed and rude which implied SHE is those things (she is, but that is beside the point if you are trying to work through things with her). I mean you could call it what it is: that it made you feel hurt, bad, slighted, dismissed. Anger or annoyance is just the feeling on top of those feelings. You could have also used the incidence as a way to say basically that the other night had you confused or that you didn't want to overstep but what happened the other night was unexpected. Both of those words are less threatening and are like a pregnant pause where the other person has the opportunity to explain (rather than defend her character).

 

Also in bringing up this sort of stuff you could get to the really issue of probably your insecurity thus being sensitive over the other night (i mean if you've liked her for a while, you probably already know she's rude/blunt right? This stuff doesn't happen out of the blue usually). So maybe you're more sensitive because she doesn't really let you know where you guys stand, screwed you over before or some other stuff you think you see signs of from this incidence and things leading up to this incidence. And same from her, in terms of why is she jumping down your throat, what is she sensitive about (maybe she feels you are too needy or that she can't manage a LDR, or you guys need to work out the logistics or she's not a spontaneous person).

 

Basically if you approach it differently than you did (in the future with her or someone else):

A) you could have a greater likelihood of getting to a compromise or understanding with someone you care about rather than break up or have the same fight over and over.

B) you could deal with some of the bigger, deeper things in your relationship by opening the discussion and having it be a discussion rather than a fight. Sometimes expressing something that hurt you can lead to really good things and bring people closer--but it is a skill to communicate well, of course.

 

Right now you have regret or you wouldn't be posting about it because you guys have shut down the lines of communication--which is often what happens when communication styles are bad. Personally i think she might just be rude and not into you but it's hard to tell if things are unfinished, as they are.

 

I think you just need to accept the current status of things. I guess you could apologize for your part but i don't know that i would recommend that. Truthfully, i'd still be stuck on how she responded initially and when you called her out. Doesn't sound like a healthy combo, you two together. That's some over-the-top reactions about stuff that's relatively minor (though it may mirror the difficulties of the relationship being long distance or the people's dynamic as a couple). You didn't really say if you guys have ever met in person. If you haven't, it's a strong NO, drop and forget from me. Good luck

[fred123]

do you not think its normal for a guy to want to call a girl he has been texting for a couple of weeks and want to speak with her? why would i have to explain that?! they arent 5 yrs old.

isnt asking someone if its ok to call them normal on this planet? wow dating has become a joke

Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact quote of prior post

[Versacehottie]

You asked how better to have called her out or discuss this with her, not whether i think it's normal or right to want to speak to some girl you've been talking to. If you are going to insist on being right with someone, that's a different goal than wanting to make peace with someone. Plus it seems like you aren't getting it.

 

Of course, i think it's normal to want to call a girl you've been talking to. Idk, if you are being transparent about the situation with us. Were you actually dating? What were your expectations of each other? Were you mainly just "testing" her because you are virtual acquaintances who are flirting via text and you are asking for a phone call now? Were you more invested than she is? Are you actually dating?

 

Still the argument isn't what is right or wrong--it's about being on the same page and being able to navigate communicating with each other. You can't force her to do something she doesn't want to do, even if she is out of the norm. Means she doesn't want to do it or not with you. So then you have that info that this is where she stands, or who she is (if she is an overall rude person or selfish) and then you decide what you want to do with that information--bridge the gap with an apology or explanation or not pursue a relationship. You can't keep insisting you are right and still want the person. You're at an impasse--partially created by you. You can blame dating in general (to me, i think you guys don't sound like you had that level of commitment) or you can learn something from this. Right now you seem like you have two hard-headed people in a mexican standoff--actually not even sure she wants to talk to you anymore, but yeah, this isn't going well.