Wife texting another married man?

[Chaparral]

If she is not begging you to not divorce her you have your answer. If she is not on her knees bawling and slinging snot you know what has happened.

 

You can bet an emotional affair where the two affair partners are close enough to consummate the affair have consummated the affair.

 

The chances they haven’t had sex is slim and none.

If she says she is willing to do anything to save the marriage, run the Phonelab recovery program on her phone. Also have her take a polygraph.

 

She texts him for a year. He’s a well known cheater. She deletes his texts to hide them. Then she also lies about it. All those hours she was messing with him belonged to you and your kids. That precludes her from being a great mother. GREAT MOTHERS DO NOT CHEAT. GREAT FATHERS GET FIFTY FIFTY CUSTODY.

 

Be strong and take care of business.

[Bryanp]

So she said it was harmless and she liked the attention. What don't you ask how she would feel if the roles were reversed? I bet that she would not think it was harmless.

[Chaparral]

If she is not begging you to not divorce her you have your answer. If she is not on her knees bawling and slinging snot you know what has happened.

 

You can bet an emotional affair where the two affair partners are close enough to consummate the affair have consummated the affair.

 

The chances they haven’t had sex is slim and none.

If she says she is willing to do anything to save the marriage, run the Phonelab recovery program on her phone. Also have her take a polygraph.

 

She texts him for a year. He’s a well known cheater. She deletes his texts to hide them. Then she also lies about it. All those hours she was messing with him belonged to you and your kids. That precludes her from being a great mother. GREAT MOTHERS DO NOT CHEAT. GREAT FATHERS GET FIFTY FIFTY CUSTODY.

 

Be strong and take care of business.

 

I meant to say an EA that’s a year long and the two are in close proximity, the odds are it has turned physical. That it it hasn’t the chances are slim and none.

[usa1ah]

Hi all,

 

I was wondering if I post my situation that I could get some advice,

 

So my wife has been texting this married guy(a guy known for cheating) for nearly 1 year now, I didn’t mind at first as I trusted my wife but he would text her most weekends and she would be sneaky about and never said she was texting him,

 

Then one night she got up during the night to go text him in another room,this is when I started getting real paranoid,I asked her who she was texting and she said our son,I checked and wasn’t active all night,she lied.

 

I confronted her and she denied it, the next day my mind was racing,I’ve done something I’ve never done,I checked her phone and found out it was this guy(this was my first time knowing who she’d been texting for months), she deleted their chat from the previous night but there was a msg from him apologizing for last night.

 

I told her that I’d checked her phone, and I knew who she’s been texting, she said it’s nothing like you think they are only friends,I asked her to stop texting him and to block him,she said she can’t block him and that she only texts him bk as she doesn’t want to be rude,

 

After this night I got into a habit of checking when she was active late on weekend night,pathetic I know but my head was all over the place.

 

Anyway so he was still texting her and she was responding,it was happening most weekends, I could tell as she would be hiding the phone,and acting all suspicious, she done it right in front of me and I could clearly see who she was texting but she lied and denied it, I told her I could see it was him and she then admitted she was only texting him back,it was the first time in ages and it won’t happen again.

 

I told her this was messing with my head, I was feeling so paranoid and I needed her to stop

 

Anyway last night, it all came to a head, she was texting him again last weekend,and this weekend and I’m pretty sure the weekend before too, I lost it and done something I’d never thought I’d do,I text him asking why he was always texting my wife, in fairness he admitted it straight away,said it was harmless fun and they were only friends,he could see that it wasn’t right and he would stop.

 

I now know that it was only just a friendship, my wife can’t believe I let it get this far and is disgusted with me.

 

To be honest I’m pretty disgusted with myself,the checking her phone,checking up on her to see if she’s active and then texting him are completely out of character for me,

 

I need to know to other people get this paranoid and was I right to be a little paranoid?

 

My wife thinks I should have trusted her, my argument was the fact she kept lying made that very hard,as it turns out I should trusted her and feel like an absolute fool now.

 

Cheers

 

Your wife is a lier. Why do you think it was nothing? Because a lier and a known cheater said so.

 

Don’t be a fool. Your wife is cheating on you either emotionally, physically or both. You had all the right as a husband being lied to has to go through your lying wife’s phone.

 

Don’t act like a whipped puppy. Grow a set

 

Don’t play the choose me game.

 

Tell her you don’t give a damn who she talks with anymore. She has already destroyed your trust in her because she always lied to you about it.

 

Go out and stop playing the whipped puppy. If you don’t your marriage is over if it isn’t already.

[Marc878]

Just to point out, she is an unbelievable mother to our kids, I would never take them away from her as it would do more damage to them.

I’m not sure how this is going to play out but I’ll post up what happens in a week or so when I know.

 

Great mothers do not destroy their families.

[Marc878]

Inform other mansion wife without warning.

 

Get out of your doormat state. Take control

 

It's not your job yo help hide their affair

 

Why wait to see if she wants to keep you as her plan B?

[Marc878]

She has realized she is in the wrong, she didn’t cheat with him but she lied about still texting him,she said she liked the attention.

 

I told her I do not trust her anymore and I cannot be with someone I don’t trust,

 

At the minute we are trying figure out how we do this while causing the least amount of impact to our kids.

 

Its at least an emotional affair and she didn't cheat?

[S2B]

She said she would never text him again, she said she thought it was all harmless,

But sees now it was wrong,

I’ll log back in a few weeks and fill you guys in.

 

She knew it was harmful! She wouldn’t have been lying about it and hiding it from you if she had no idea!

 

Why are you believing her lies so easily?

 

And she’s NOT a great Mother! A good Mother doesn’t put the happiness of the family/marriage at risk.

 

Stop making excuses for her piss poor actions!

 

You are helping her cheat when you make excuses!

[PegNosePete]

She knew it was harmful! She wouldn’t have been lying about it and hiding it from you if she had no idea!

Exactly. She now sees it was wrong? BS. She knew it was wrong before, that is why she deleted so much of their texts and lied about it. If she didn't know it was wrong when why would she do that?

 

By believing these obvious lies, you're just letting her off the hook with no consequences. So she says she won't contact her again. I bet you a choc ice she's still going to, but now she'll be more careful and it'll be much more difficult to uncover. You've really shot yourself in the foot here.

 

What don't you ask how she would feel if the roles were reversed? I bet that she would not think it was harmless.

This kind of thing is better left as a thought experiment. Actually asking her how she would feel if the roles were reversed is counter-productive because she will just say "it would be fine with me because I trust you". It would totally undermine the OP's position. You KNOW in your head that she would not be on here making posts; she would be packing your bags!!!

[ExpatInItaly]

Just to point out, she is an unbelievable mother to our kids, I would never take them away from her as it would do more damage to them.

 

You might want to re-think that.

 

I am sure she is loving to them and that she loves them and would not overtly do anything to hurt them - but in my mind, an unbelievable mother doesn't do things that she knows could blow up her family. Cheating can and often does destroy families; ask the children of broken homes caused by infidelity. A great mom doesn't choose to engage in behavior that could jeopardize the security and stability children depend on within home environment and family unit. By cheating, she is also taking a significant risk with the familiar, comfortable and happy family life your kids have to come to rely on; by hurting their dad and disrupting the peace and harmony at home, she is not being such a stellar mom. I have no doubt she has been a great mother and has the ability to get there again, but at this time, I would argue she is not thinking of the kids first and foremost.

 

It always bewilders me when cheating parents are too obtuse not to realize the emotional harm they are indirectly exposing their children to. A cheating parent is, in my books, a selfish parent.

Edited February 14, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[standtall]

You might want to re-think that.

 

I am sure she is loving to them and that she loves them and would not overtly do anything to hurt them - but in my mind, an unbelievable mother doesn't do things that she knows could blow up her family. Cheating can and often does destroy families; ask the children of broken homes caused by infidelity. A great mom doesn't choose to engage in behavior that could jeopardize the security and stability children depend on within home environment and family unit. By cheating, she is also taking a significant risk with the familiar, comfortable and happy family life your kids have to come to rely on; by hurting their dad and disrupting the peace and harmony at home, she is not being such a stellar mom. I have no doubt she has been a great mother and has the ability to get there again, but at this time, I would argue she is not thinking of the kids first and foremost.

 

It always bewilders me when cheating parents are too obtuse not to realize the emotional harm they are indirectly exposing their children to. A cheating parent is, in my books, a selfish parent.

 

There are so many things here that are off. So, by lying to a spouse, they are a bad mother? That is connecting a lot of dots that aren't there. Also,kids are not supposed to be first and foremost in any marriage....IMHO, that is why half of them break down...when a spouse puts their children in front of their other halves. i think you need to rethink some things, and not question her parenting when the OP says there isn't a problem. Trying to fan the flames?

[Chaparral]

There are so many things here that are off. So, by lying to a spouse, they are a bad mother? That is connecting a lot of dots that aren't there. Also,kids are not supposed to be first and foremost in any marriage....IMHO, that is why half of them break down...when a spouse puts their children in front of their other halves. i think you need to rethink some things, and not question her parenting when the OP says there isn't a problem. Trying to fan the flames?

 

When a mother cheats on her husband, eighty five percent of the marriages end in divorce. By contrast, if a father cheats, sixty five percent of the marriages end in divorce. This has been going on a yard with a notorious womanizer. They live fairly close. The odds it has been physical are astronomical. She knows what she is doing will harm her marriage and family if caught. She is not a good mother. She is even worse than a bad mother. That’s yet the way I see it. Your mileage may vary.

Can this be saved? It depends on her. Anyone taking bets?

[loversquarrel]

There are so many things here that are off. So, by lying to a spouse, they are a bad mother? That is connecting a lot of dots that aren't there. Also,kids are not supposed to be first and foremost in any marriage....IMHO, that is why half of them break down...when a spouse puts their children in front of their other halves. i think you need to rethink some things, and not question her parenting when the OP says there isn't a problem. Trying to fan the flames?

 

Ultimately yes, lying to a spouse about a potential affair and sneaking around is poor behavior and poor character. It shows children that it's OK to undermine and disrespect important relationships, and that it's OK to disrespect the other parent, especially when older children are involved.

[standtall]

Ultimately yes, lying to a spouse about a potential affair and sneaking around is poor behavior and poor character. It shows children that it's OK to undermine and disrespect important relationships, and that it's OK to disrespect the other parent, especially when older children are involved.

 

It is not the children's...depending on their age....business as to why parents get divorced. For example, automatically notifying 10 yr olds that mom or dad has cheated is not in their best interest...end of story. If they are 35, then that is different. The spouses...in their rage to humiliate their spouse that cheated who drag minor children into the situation rapidly become the worst parent.....IMHO.

 

BTW, I am not the OM, BS, cheating husband,....any of that. I am 23 yr married parent [of some minor and some adult children] who has seen this with other couples that have isolated their minor children from adult situations, and ones that have dragged them into it. The ones that drag their children into it and engage in parental alienation damage them much more than a divorce where the children find out about the cheating years later as adults when they are better emotionally equipped to handle the fact that their parents are not perfect. So, I disagree with the conclusion that just because one has cheated does not automatically make one a bad parent, and anyone suggesting that to this particular poster is merely fanning the flames of this man's anger to the detriment of his children.

Edited February 15, 2019 by standtall

[PegNosePete]

So, by lying to a spouse, they are a bad mother?

By cheating she is putting her marriage at risk, which means she is risking blowing up the family unit, which has a detrimental effect on the kids. Not many dots joined up, just simple cause and effect.

 

Does that make her a "bad mother"? Not necessarily, there's no such thing as a 100% good mother or a 100% bad mother. Good mothers do bad things sometimes, and bad mothers do good things. In this case, she's done something bad. Whether that un-does all her "good mother" traits is unknown to us. But certainly, cheating is a "bad mother" trait.

[standtall]

By cheating she is putting her marriage at risk, which means she is risking blowing up the family unit, which has a detrimental effect on the kids. Not many dots joined up, just simple cause and effect.

 

Does that make her a "bad mother"? Not necessarily, there's no such thing as a 100% good mother or a 100% bad mother. Good mothers do bad things sometimes, and bad mothers do good things. In this case, she's done something bad. Whether that un-does all her "good mother" traits is unknown to us. But certainly, cheating is a "bad mother" trait.

 

That is not what I said. I didn't say it wasn't a bad parent trait, I said it did not automatically make one a bad mother. You created a straw man argument. Besides, by your connecting of the dots, any self destructive behavior that we all engage in at times makes one have bad parent traits.....certainly not the same thing. "These are not the droids are looking for", does not work here.

[loversquarrel]

It is not the children's...depending on their age....business as to why parents get divorced. For example, automatically notifying 10 yr olds that mom or dad has cheated is not in their best interest...end of story. If they are 35, then that is different. The spouses...in their rage to humiliate their spouse that cheated who drag minor children into the situation rapidly become the worst parent.....IMHO.

 

BTW, I am not the OM, BS, cheating husband,....any of that. I am 23 yr married parent [of some minor and some adult children] who has seen this with other couples that have isolated their minor children from adult situations, and ones that have dragged them into it. The ones that drag their children into it and engage in parental alienation damage them much more than a divorce where the children find out about the cheating years later as adults when they are better emotionally equipped to handle the fact that their parents are not perfect. So, I disagree with the conclusion that just because one has cheated does not automatically make one a bad parent, and anyone suggesting that to this particular poster is merely fanning the flames of this man's anger to the detriment of his children.

 

Yes, it is your opinion just as it is mine. Infidelity is a type of abuse and just like other types of abuse is damaging, and not just to the one who is directly inflicted. Children become a secondary victim, a kind of collateral damage. One doesn't have to explain to children what happened for them to see and feel that something has happened. Then the consequences that soon follow (divorce?) also take their toll.

 

A good parent seeks to protect their children from any and all types of pain, especially that which is unnecessary. A good parent seeks to work on issues in a marriage before placing it in jeopardy (this goes for both parents, not just one) before selfishly destroying what could potentially be repaired. Does infidelity automatically make a person a bad parent? Maybe not, but it certainly makes them less of a good one.

[standtall]

Yes, it is your opinion just as it is mine. Infidelity is a type of abuse and just like other types of abuse is damaging, and not just to the one who is directly inflicted.

 

Oh that's a stretch. The "I'm a victim mentality" LOL!

[loversquarrel]

Oh that's a stretch. The "I'm a victim mentality" LOL!

 

What victim mentality?

[Adotta]

So what you guys are heading towards divorce? You were somewhat vague.

 

 

 

If you are believing her this is over and that she has stopped texting.... there is a huge likelihood it hasn't stopped but simply been pushed underground by your ineffectual flailing.

 

 

If I were you to even think about staying with her I would surprise her one night with a demand she hand over the phone. If she bucks your demand. Divorce. No seedling. Make sure she understands.

 

 

 

When she hands it over run a recovery software on it. Phone lab seems to be the recommended one. That way you get to see all of thier texts and see what was actually said. You simply can't take her words on this. She has already shown herself a liar and someone who will destroy evidence.

 

 

 

Buddy let me be honest. You sound very have and simply to honest and good natured for your own good. You need to plan for the worst hope for the best. Trust but verify. stop believing everything she says and stop being so God damn easy to manipulate.

 

 

 

I understand you seem to have put your foot down. But you can't simply say things. You need to see thier texts. Recover them with the program I recommended. Once you know for sure the communications were harmless..... let us all be honest they are anything but harmeless...... then and only then can you move forward. You don't even know what you are forgiving at this point. You are simply taking her word for it.

 

 

 

Naive.

 

 

 

Women don't respect naive.

 

 

 

Also check out the books no more Mr. Nice guy and married man's sex life primer. These two books seem to be a God send for nice guy hubbies like you.

[Hotmess12]

Take it from someone who was in your wife's position. It's bad. I did the same thing. I was hiding the messages. Deleting them. Changing passwords. Him telling you its nothing doesnt mean its nothing. Hes also married, which means hes got alot to risk if hes honest. The guy inwas with was also married. We would never call eachother out ever. I have since ended it. It can be very easy to get away with cheating. You demand she block him or threaten to leave. That's what my husband did and I did just as he asked.

[S2B]

What’s the update?

 

My bet is that you just took her back... ya, she promised she would stop. That’s not believable.

 

And she knew it was harmful - otherwise it wouldn’t have been such a secret.