Husband is tribal [Updated!]

[Pearl1988]

you say he is "slow" ... I feel sorry for him if that is what you say to him, if

 

No, I did not say that he was slow. I said he was high IQ but acting like a slow person.

[BaileyB]

Actually he has been diagnosed with ptsd. You know, I think there is a bit of a danger when a person has ptsd that he is only seen through that lens. That’s why I did not mention it in the first post... and I think that those aren’t classical symptoms of ptsd.

 

Insomnia is but wishing for your ice to establish a bed time for you isn’t... and so on.

 

That's very fair. And, I would agree...

[d0nnivain]

Really? Is there research on that? I’d like to know more.

 

talk to the people who are treating him

[BaileyB]

I make a lot of decisions in our home. In the past my husband was away from home because of his job a lot and I sometimes felt nearly like a single mum.

 

That could be part of it. I'm sure it must be hard to come into a functioning household when you are away a lot - you have your routine well established, you know what tomatoes to buy, you know what time the kids go to bed, etc...

 

Although you encourage him to be a parent and an equal partner, he may be hesitant because it's just not his role and not his comfort. Maybe he feels a little out of place when he comes home, not sure how to fit in.

 

My best advice would be to keep talking. And, don't enable him... or you will end up with a man who requires you to do even the most menial of tasks and can't wash his own dishes or heat his own food... He is a grown man, very capable of deciding his own bedtime, making sure he showers at least every other day, reheating his own food, and providing care for your children, etc... Good luck.

[Pearl1988]

He is a grown man, very capable of deciding his own bedtime...

 

I agree but what should I do when he just doesn’t do this? Currently you really have to tell him it is his bedtime and to gently shepherd him to bed and help him go to sleep... and that’s okay. When I am there and awake it is okay. But when I am not... he needs to find a way to manage this on his own.

When he is away from home he sleeps in a hotel and he hates it. So currently I phone him and tell him it is his bed time and he needs to get some rest. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn’t and he sleeps very little.

 

When you don’t tell him to come to bed he often doesn’t and sometimes stays awake the whole night long and of course that is not good.

 

Talking about stupid question. I often ask myself if it would be a good idea to refuse to answer his stupid questions.

[alphamale]

well Pearl, with all the problems your husband could have I think that what is bothering you about him is fairly minor and innocuous. At the end of the day he is a good man.

[Pearl1988]

well Pearl, with all the problems your husband could have I think that what is bothering you about him is fairly minor and innocuous. At the end of the day he is a good man.

 

This is not about being a good man or a bad man. I am actually worried that he does not get enough sleep/does not eat right and I do not want to be responsible for that.

I end up in a role where I am responsible for his wellbeing and I do not want this to happen.

[Garcon1986]

Oh PTSD is a big deal, it requires a lot of psychological help to improve. What trauma did he suffer?

 

The best way to do this is to offer a very structured and supportive lifestyle, but set rules at the same time. Make the list small so its not overwhelming. Also establish that you will accept nothing less than full adulting, so don’t let him use it as an excuse to baby him.

[Pearl1988]

Oh PTSD is a big deal, it requires a lot of psychological help to improve. What trauma did he suffer?

 

The best way to do this is to offer a very structured and supportive lifestyle, but set rules at the same time. Make the list small so its not overwhelming. Also establish that you will accept nothing less than full adulting, so don’t let him use it as an excuse to baby him.

 

To be honest I am not sure what exactly his trauma was. He was diagnosed with combat ptsd but actually he says he did not see much action (and that the diagnosis might be wrong)... but I often do think that he might be lying to me because he does not want to burden me... but I do not know what kind of trauma.

 

I really try to give him structure and support but I cannot always be there. I am really it sure if asking stupid question or wanting people to tell you when it is bed time or not wanting to reheat thins in the microwave is a sign of ptsd. Maybe this is more like a relationship dynamic.

Edited February 4, 2019 by Pearl1988

[preraph]

Was he ever in the military or in a traumatic accident or something and might have PTSD?

 

Some of this stuff, if his mom is still alive, you should ask her about it. Maybe some is stuff he was used to her doing for him. Then you'd know if it's new or not. She may have a clue what's up.

 

Some of it sounds like PTSD or anxiety, the sleeping part, the relaxing, but some of it sounds compulsive, like having to be exact about everything to buy or what time to put the kids to bed.

 

As for the chips and popcorn, I just think he likes chips and popcorn! He obviously likes a certain routine, and in that I agree he may be on the spectrum somewhere for autism. Seems like his mom would know more.

 

Maybe there's some ways you can generalize on the grocery list, like "When in doubt, buy the generic brand (or the name brand)" or "When in doubt, buy the one that's on sale." With the bedtimes, seems like telling him one time , Put them to bed at 10:00 or within 15 minutes one way or the other.

[bathtub-row]

Aw. I admit I have a really soft spot for people with high IQs. Your husband sounds so cute, although I’m sure some of those things can get annoying. I hope he can work out the things that are causing him so much distress. Try to be understanding with him because I don’t think any of his actions are intentional.

[basil67]

He isn't a lazy man, so I would possibly not fight the shopping issue - I'd simply give a bit more direction. Instead writing noodles on the list, write Xbrand 2 min chicken noodles. Or 5 egg tomatoes. Or 12 free range eggs. Be specific.

 

It's interesting that he doesn't know how the kids bedtime works. Is he around often enough to be familiar with the routine?

 

The last two are simple to deal with - stop managing him and let him sort himself out. If he sorts himself out poorly, then he suffers consequences. And consequences are the lessons which teach us.

 

If he prefers to eat nachos or popcorn than reheat his dinner, then don't say a word. If his leftovers are left in the fridge, it can always be eaten the next day for your lunch or frozen. Or, if you know he's not going to reheat the leftovers, don't leave any for him.

 

DO NOT manage his bedtime. If he leaves his relaxation too late and you've gone to bed, then he misses out on your support. If he goes to bed too late and only gets three hours sleep, that's his problem.

[basil67]

This is not about being a good man or a bad man. I am actually worried that he does not get enough sleep/does not eat right and I do not want to be responsible for that.

I end up in a role where I am responsible for his wellbeing and I do not want this to happen.

 

His diet and sleep patterns are NOT your responsibility. He must be allowed to make his own decisions and have his own consequences.

[alphamale]

I end up in a role where I am responsible for his wellbeing and I do not want this to happen.

 

you are his wife aren't you? do you have any kids? are you responsible for their well being?

[Wallysbears]

Look into Instacart for groceries. People deliver and shop for you for a small fee.

 

Maybe get him a smart watch? Set alarms to go off for different times?

[major_merrick]

Pearl - I hope you read this part, because I can identify with some of what you're going through. My husband's issues aren't quite like your husband's (he's more controlled, I guess) but I see some similarities.

 

 

There's a similarity with a lot of these issues in that the guy lacks initiative. He gets through the day, does his work well, and is generally pretty intelligent. But with "little" stuff he falls down on the job. Making simple choices, doing the most basic things becomes a burden. The issue is what I like to call "background stress." It takes a certain amount of control all day long to conform to social expectations. Like, for example, not jumping when people drop things loudly, or when a truck backfires in the parking lot. It also takes energy to overcome your mind's racing thoughts and remember what you are supposed to do. I've seen my husband without his task list - he forgets things easily because he gets distracted. Everybody has just so much energy in a given day, and for people with high background stress, that energy is depleted sooner.

 

My husband HATES grocery shopping!!! He makes a list and does VERY well at figuring out what we need, but when he gets to the store it is tough for him. He says "there's too many colors." He has issues telling one package from another, and with people milling about in the aisles he gets stressed. He's got the list, but can't spot the items on the shelves even when they are right in front of him. He prefers to buy in huge quantities - it means he only has to go shopping once a month, or he leaves the job to the rest of us.

 

With the PTSD, making decisions becomes difficult for some people. There's two ways that it tends to present itself - over-controlling and indecisiveness. Your husband seems to be on the indecisive end of things. When you've been through a life-or-death situation, you can end up lacking the ability to make decisions because you are scared of doing it. For your husband, that means small stuff like making food gets dropped. Same thing with bedtime - he just doesn't want to decide because sleep is a risk, if for no other reason than the unpleasant dreams.

 

For my husband, it is the opposite. He sometimes micromanages as a means of damage-proofing our lives. He has lists, and then lists of his lists. Check, then recheck. Our house has a little bit of clutter, but any area that has to do with emergency preparedness or safety is *squeaky clean*. He likes to have fun and is much more relaxed than years ago, but the past is always there. And like your husband, he has terrible insomnia. He tries to go to bed with us, but he doesn't fall asleep easily, and he has nightmares. Then he's up checking the kids, feeding the babies, and patrolling the house...check and recheck. Then he'll go to his office and do paperwork at 3am

 

With a partner who has trauma issues, the best advice I can give is to be patient. When he's willing, talk about it. I've known my husband for more than half my life even though we've been married for a year. Sometimes he talks, sometimes he doesn't. I just have to deal with that. The best thing about him (and I think, about your guy also) is that he's kind. He cares and does his best. That's what matters most. If the little things get dropped, I pick up where I can. He's there to help me with my issues too. The whole is greater than the sum of the parts.

[S2B]

This is not about being a good man or a bad man. I am actually worried that he does not get enough sleep/does not eat right and I do not want to be responsible for that.

I end up in a role where I am responsible for his wellbeing and I do not want this to happen.

 

Have him set his timer or reminder on his phone. Same time every night.

 

Let the phone remind him.

 

He needs help with codependency issues. He shouldn’t need to rely on you so intensely for basic things.

 

He needs to learn to think independently of you... think and learn for himself.

 

He will make errors as he learns - and that’s actually what will teach him fastest. I learn more from my errors rather than what I’ve done correctly.

 

Don’t fix things for him when he gets things wrong - that troubleshooting he will learn from as well.

 

If he hasn’t heated the food in the microwave - don’t heat it for him. IF he’s hungry enough he will do it himself. If not he goes hungry.

[MidwestUSA]

If he truly does have PTSD, I strongly suggest finding a therapist who believes in CBD as a treatment for it. My psychiatrist recommends it to all his combat vets, and has a very good track record.

 

I take it for that, and other reasons; there are hundreds of vendors out there. I went through several before I found one that was the best bang for the buck (it's pricey stuff). I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed to name my source here, but it runs me about $100 a month. They often have a buy one, get one deal, so I stock up when they do.

 

Best of luck!

[anika99]

I think it's possible that everything you said in your first post could be related to the PTSD. You don't know how he feels or what triggers him. He may be experiencing anxiety at when he is alone at the grocery store. That would make it difficult for him to concentrate or make decisions. Same when he is at home without you, perhaps just your presence calms him and makes him feel more secure. He has stress around going to bed and falling asleep so it's pretty clear that the bedtime stuff is PTSD related. A service dog or emotional support animal might help him. Also you may want to seek out a support group for yourself regarding helping a loved one with PTSD while still taking care of yourself. And lastly nobody thinks someone with PTSD or other mental health issues is crazy.

[Pearl1988]

It's interesting that he doesn't know how the kids bedtime works. Is he around often enough to be familiar with the routine?

 

Often he isn’t around when it is bed time (he travels a lot and often works till late) but he knows exactly well howthe kids bedtime works. He just keeps asking me the same stupid questions again and again. About food, about bedtime, about the brushing their teeth. Really stupid questions.

For example he knows that it is no problem for me when they are in bed ten minutes later.

 

So I went to the movies with a friend. I never switch out the cell phone because it stresses him when he cannot reach me but hopedhe would not phoneme unless the house was on fire. Cellphone rang, it was him having a question about bedtime. If it was okay if they are in bed ten minutes later...

Another time when he was asking that question I tried to challenge him. Our conversation went like this:

Pearl: You want to know if it is okay. Well, what do you think?

Pearl‘s Husband: I do not think much

P: Was ist okay last time?

H: Yes

P: Was it okay the time before?

H: Yes

P: Will it be okay now? What’s your opinion?

H: I do not have an opinion about that

P: But if I forced you to answer what would you say

H: That it is okay as long as it is only ten or fifteen minutes

P: Then why do you call if you already know that?

H: Okay. I won’t call anymore. I am sorry. I understand what you are trying to tell me. I won’t call anymore. I am sorry that I am asking stupid questions. I will stop

 

But that wasn’t the last time he asked the very same question.

[Pearl1988]

you are his wife aren't you? do you have any kids? are you responsible for their well being?

 

Yes, I am his wife but not his mother.

[Pearl1988]

With a partner who has trauma issues, the best advice I can give is to be patient. When he's willing, talk about it. I've known my husband for more than half my life even though we've been married for a year. Sometimes he talks, sometimes he doesn't. I just have to deal with that. The best thing about him (and I think, about your guy also) is that he's kind. He cares and does his best. That's what matters most. If the little things get dropped, I pick up where I can. He's there to help me with my issues too. The whole is greater than the sum of the parts.

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

Mine actually has List and lists of lists too but without the list he is totally lost and that is when he starts asking stupid questions.

 

He doesn’t like to talk about the trauma or the ptsd. It is very difficult for him and this is okay for me. He doesn’t have too.

[Pearl1988]

I think it's possible that everything you said in your first post could be related to the PTSD. You don't know how he feels or what triggers him. He may be experiencing anxiety at when he is alone at the grocery store. That would make it difficult for him to concentrate or make decisions. Same when he is at home without you, perhaps just your presence calms him and makes him feel more secure. He has stress around going to bed and falling asleep so it's pretty clear that the bedtime stuff is PTSD related. A service dog or emotional support animal might help him. Also you may want to seek out a support group for yourself regarding helping a loved one with PTSD while still taking care of yourself. And lastly nobody thinks someone with PTSD or other mental health issues is crazy.

 

We have dogs, not service dogs. Just dogs.

I am also in a support group... but I really do not think that any other of the spouses tells their husband when it is bedtime. I know many have trouble sleeping but donot think that any tells him when it is bedtime.

 

I have been thinking about calling a helpline for combat ptsd lately... but then I did not have the guts. I guess that my husband is the most unusual vet with ptsd because he has few of the normal ptsd problems... and this is so unusual...

 

I mean I think it is a bit unsoldierly and I am a bit ashamed to call and discuss this with them because I am afraid that they tell me that it is behaviour unbecoming of vet to need to be babied and to ask stupid questions all of the time. I have heard that stupid questions are extremely unpopular in the military.

He discusses his trouble sleeping with his therapist but I am not sure what exactly he discusses.

Edited February 5, 2019 by Pearl1988

[elaine567]

Do online shopping and get the groceries delivered, not worth the hassle otherwise. He can go get a pint of milk or some nachos if he wants to, but leave out the big stuff as it is obviously too much for him.

 

I would go make an appointment with the therapist or find a PTSD help group and ask what you need to do to help the situation.

They may be able to tell you what is "normal" in PTSD and what may be be due to another underlying issue perhaps?

[BaileyB]

I have been thinking about calling a helpline for combat ptsd lately... but then I did not have the guts. I guess that my husband is the most unusual vet with ptsd because he has few of the normal ptsd problems... and this is so unusual...

 

Is it possible that he has an underlying issue - perhaps, he has suffered from anxiety prior to his service?

 

And what about his childhood... is it possible that his mother cared for his father this way? If this is what he saw growing up, it could be why he assumes you will do the same? It’s not uncommon for women of that generation to “do” for their husbands... to cook all meals, to spoon the food onto their plate, to bring them drinks, to set the household schedule, etc... In some cases, they enabled a generation of men (who brought home the bacon) to live a very comfortable life by catering to their every need...