ShadeOfGreen Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 No she is not. There is no "real BF". Everyone in this story are non-exclusive and are hence, free-agents, to do whatever in the heck they want. This whole thing is a One-Night-Stand. No one lied to anyone. No one deceived anyone. We truly don't know that, either. The only information we have is what the OP is willing to share with us and what she was willing to share with him. She could've lied, and some people speculate towards that assumption based on their own personal experiences and fears. What we do know is that things didn't end the way the OP expected it to, and he's caught off guard. I think it helps to be realistic about first dates. You don't know the person, and you don't know how its going to turn out. If you want a better idea about how things might go after sex, then get to know them a little more. Feel things out. Realize that two weeks of messaging and one good night isn't a connection. Enjoy it for what it was...a good time. Don't spend time speculating what their motive was or if they told the truth or what their dating situation is. It doesn't change anything for your life, and you probably won't find out the whole truth. Some people have a hard enough time figuring out their own spouses let alone a stranger. Link to post Share on other sites
onelove1 Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 No she is not. There is no "real BF". Everyone in this story are non-exclusive and are hence, free-agents, to do whatever in the heck they want. This whole thing is a One-Night-Stand. No one lied to anyone. No one deceived anyone. In fact she was more honest with the guy than most any women I have ever met. Most women would have just ignored him, ghosted him,...and never told him the truth,...and we all love that don't we?. The entire situation is more on the drama side. The fact that she stepped out of her relationship to have a one night stand with another man is wrong on her part. If she wants to go on one night stands she should remain a bachlorett. Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 I think she's telling the truth about not being a 'more than one guy' type of woman, despite the evidence to the contrary. She clearly felt guilty. She clearly has made every effort to cut off OP and focus on the other guy. So why did she sleep with him in the first place? She's fairly fresh out of a divorce. The prevailing culture is to multi-date, see what's out there, and that everything is fair game if you haven't agreed to be exclusive. So that's what she told herself. Notice she said 'not formally exclusive' and not 'not exclusive'. The latter carries a strong implication that both parties are free agents, whilst the former carries a strong implication that both are into each other, and either at or fast approaching the point where they could (or should) be exclusive - or that one or more of them might assume the other is. That betrays how she really sees things. So she did what she was technically entitled to do, and went on a date with OP to see how it went. It went really well so she slept with him. Only to wake up the next day and realise that what she is 'technically' allowed to do, doesn't sit well with her moral compass. She already feels she may have led OP on, so she sends an explanation, then blocks him so she can cut contact with him off entirely and just focus on the guy she wants to pursue a relationship with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author richdeniro Posted February 6, 2019 Author Share Posted February 6, 2019 Well I sent her this from a spare work phone I have lying around as a text and left it at that, probably not the wisest move but I do wear my heart on my sleeve, am not a judgemental person and do want her to know that it did mean something to me at least: Hey, It's Rich messaging from a spare work phone, don't worry I wouldn't normally go to these kind of lengths to message someone after just one date, I just wanted to get a message through to you so that you would know that I would never think badly of you and I just hope you are ok. I completely understand your situation and I get that you were probably very confused today. The last thing I would want you to feel is unhappy. I also know that I probably came on a bit strong yesterday which is also very unlike me but I did think you were lovely and we seemed to have so much chemistry. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I don't think badly of you as it was probably the most I've ever clicked with anyone on a first date and I didn't want you to disappear without letting you know that especially as you are such a lovely person. If you do want to stay in touch we can but I will understand if not and wish you all the best. Rich x Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 Well I sent her this from a spare work phone I have lying around as a text and left it at that, probably not the wisest move but I do wear my heart on my sleeve, am not a judgemental person and do want her to know that it did mean something to me at least: Hey, It's Rich messaging from a spare work phone, don't worry I wouldn't normally go to these kind of lengths to message someone after just one date, I just wanted to get a message through to you so that you would know that I would never think badly of you and I just hope you are ok. I completely understand your situation and I get that you were probably very confused today. The last thing I would want you to feel is unhappy. I also know that I probably came on a bit strong yesterday which is also very unlike me but I did think you were lovely and we seemed to have so much chemistry. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I don't think badly of you as it was probably the most I've ever clicked with anyone on a first date and I didn't want you to disappear without letting you know that especially as you are such a lovely person. If you do want to stay in touch we can but I will understand if not and wish you all the best. Rich x Really poor move, in my opinion. Not only did you not respect her wishes, but you're apologizing to a woman who blew you off and blocked you. The whole thing comes off as extremely weak and obsequious. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 Dude she BLOCKED you and you circumvented the block by using another phone to send a weepy clingy message. This is the stuff stalkers are made of. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 No she is not. There is no "real BF". Everyone in this story are non-exclusive and are hence, free-agents, to do whatever in the heck they want. This whole thing is a One-Night-Stand. No one lied to anyone. No one deceived anyone. In fact she was more honest with the guy than most any women I have ever met. Most women would have just ignored him, ghosted him,...and never told him the truth,...and we all love that don't we?. While I agree that everything you state is technically correct, would it not bother you (or any other man or woman) to find out a woman with whom you are in the beginning stages of a relationship slept with another guy? How about 5? 10? 50? How about if it was oral? Or unprotected sex? If a woman really likes you she will dump all other guys for you, not setup new dates once you’ve been seeing each other for a while. She doesn’t really like the guy she is seeing, just likes him more than the OP. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 While I agree that everything you state is technically correct, would it not bother you (or any other man or woman) to find out a woman with whom you are in the beginning stages of a relationship slept with another guy? Its called multi-dating or promiscuity to give it its other name... Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 That’s one of the reasons I learned to avoid sex on first dates. I thought it was hurtful only for women, but apparently it can also happen to men. I think she was fair and open, at least she didn’t ghost you and even gave you a reason + closure. I see people think OPs message was needy. But as a woman I don’t think it was that bad. At least he got it off his chest. But please don’t feel tempted to write her again. Lose her number! She knows where to find you. Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 (edited) It’s only promiscuous if you’re sleeping with everyone you go on a couple of dates with. Otherwise I call it “protecting your heart”. Its called multi-dating or promiscuity to give it its other name... Nah. I used to think like that until I got hit on my head a few times. I know better to keep my options open than to focus on one man and find out he’s not that into me. Multidating allows you to not get attached too fast unless they are also interested. If a woman really likes you she will dump all other guys for you, not setup new dates once you’ve been seeing each other for a while. Edited February 7, 2019 by edgygirl 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tristian Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 After a bit of clean up I'm going to ask that we return this thread to the Op. Those wishing to discuss the general topic of double-standards in dating can do so in an appropriate thread....... there are many. Link to post Share on other sites
chryssy83 Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 Dude she BLOCKED you and you circumvented the block by using another phone to send a weepy clingy message. This is the stuff stalkers are made of. Yeah that was super disrespectful. She probably blocked him to avoid getting messages that her other guy might see. Or to avoid temptation because she’s trying to do right by him. I’m in the camp that it seems like she was pretty honest with you about what was going on. I bet she regrets what she did even more now.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author richdeniro Posted February 7, 2019 Author Share Posted February 7, 2019 Well I know it was stupid on my part. I just guess I didn't want her to think that I thought she was a 'total ****' as per her final message to me and that she could reach out to me if she wanted to at some point further down the line. One of my friends said that I need to stop over-empathising. I know it was needy, clingy, desperate, etc etc and reading it back now I am cringing. I guess I can't take it back now though. Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 We truly don't know that, either. The only information we have is what the OP is willing to share with usWhat I said is based exactly on what the OP said. I stand by it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 The fact that she stepped out of her relationship She didn't step out on a relationship because there was no relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 everything you state is technically correct, Exactly. I'm technically correct, and that is the requirement,...to be correct. with whom you are in the beginning stages of a relationship slept with another guy A One Night Stand is not the beginning of anything. Every woman that you as an adult have sex with has most likely already had sex with more partners than you have. She is casually dating multiple guys. She told the OP that she was She told the OP that she wanted to focus more attention on the "other guy". Nothing wrong with that and it was amazingly honest for the times we live in,...she could have just ghosted him and not said anything,...she showed him some respect. The only thing anyone did wrong here was drop their pants the first time they met each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author richdeniro Posted February 7, 2019 Author Share Posted February 7, 2019 What I said is based exactly on what the OP said. I stand by it. I guess the other piece of information I should share is that she may have a thing for wealth. Her ex-husband is a rich Arab from Kuwait. She has two school-age kids with him. The guy that she was seeing for three months at the backend of last year who ghosted her owned a yacht so is obviously monied. He is also a divorced father (I have no kids) so that may also have swayed her if she still is in contact with him and feels she needs to be with someone who also has kids lifestyle wise? Whereas I am not poor by any means, I own my apartment/flat in London but it is by no means a big house and my salary is more the HR manager level (£50k/$70k-ish). She is also an investment banker at a huge bank in London so is surrounded by wealth but is from a normal working class background and worked hard to get where she is. I think part of the reason she liked me so much on the date was because I am down to earth, have a similar background to her and am quite humble whereas she mentioned a lot of the people in her life are those that perhaps don't have as much empathy or are as humble. Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 I guess the other piece of information I should share is that she may have a thing for wealth.It is called Hypergamy. It isn't the wealth, it is the skills and ability the man has to gain the wealth that they are attracted to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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