Jealousy of his wife and him having sex

[Vivir]

See I don't believe this. Women aren't as naive as they would like people to believe. The majority of OW go into affairs knowing the man is married and their eyes are wide open. It sounds better to say they were naive than to say they don't have the morals or self respect to know better.

 

You know, you're right. But I didn't always believe that or think that way. I used to think women could do no wrong, for goodness sake! I have learned more about women after befriending men - and especially after reading here on LoveShack. My thinking about men has been totally off key, too, of course... I was very naive for my age and I find that I can still be quite naive when it comes to certain things (which I hate actually).

 

I cannot stress enough how much of a thinker I am and how much those thoughts amounted to a basic lack or morality and self-respect (I wasn't even thinking in those terms and it took A LOT of new understanding for me to start thinking in those terms). I've got lots of excuses (that I call reasons) for my bad behavior.

 

BaileyB summed mine up below:

 

people think - I can handle this. It’s just sex. I won’t get attached. I can walk away anytime... only to discover that it’s not just sex, they develop feelings, and it’s not so easy to walk away...

 

I remember thinking this exactly. Besides, he told me some cheater-speak about how his new marriage was not what he thought it would be, that he was divorcing and blah, blah, blah... and I used that to draw my sand castles in the sky... with the magical thinking that I wrote about previously...

 

Maybe I should've written, In my case... the affair required a bunch of flimsy excuses, rationalization and magical thinking and a foundation of utter naivete...

 

In any case, BaileyB also sums up where I am today:

 

However, naitivity doesn’t excuse poor decision making and selfish, hurtful behavior.

 

I could not agree more.

[Vivir]

I should also add that it is quite easy to rationalize when the betrayed partner is an abstract. The person exists and poses as an obstacle in the affair, as was mentioned earlier, but we could pretend the person does not exist because we don't see him or her and barely hear about him or her in that bubble, that fantasyland.

 

Please forgive the threadjacking, Twistedlove.

[DKT3]

There is a lengthy thread on another site about how WS dehumanize thier partners in order to maintain affairs.

 

Which leads me to my question to OP. You said you didn't leave your marriage because of the affair or MM, yet you didn't leave before. This is what we hear from every MW who does actually leave. Just as I ask them, how can you possibly say that or know that?

 

Once you entered into your affair the odds are you dehumanized your husband and were blind to any efforts he may have made, maybe efforts that could have altered your veiw. Again, no way you can really say that since you never left prior to. Nor can you say you would have still left if you had never met MM.

 

More often then not MW dont leave FOR the affair, the leave so they dont have to face the consequences. They play the deny and denial game. Oh I only met him after.

 

So many mind games, all to avoid one simple truth....I'm not the woman or wife I thought I was.

Edited February 5, 2019 by DKT3

[Amethyst68]

No she actuality states her marriage broke up due to not being able to reconciling after her husband's infidelity. Clear case of double standards!

[DKT3]

No she actuality states her marriage broke up due to not being able to reconciling after her husband's infidelity. Clear case of double standards!

 

Which is my point, she doesn't want to face the consequences of her own actions. I'm sure she was hard on her husband. She doesn't want to be on the receiving end of that.

 

But I'm mainly talking about her stating she didn't leave because of the affair. Which I challenge, not for the affair odds are she would not have left. It's a way to avoid admitting that she actually damaged her marriage, which women have a hard time admitting in general since they are usually the ones who put in the most effort and energy to maintain the marriage.

[Twistedlove]

I know my story is not unique lol. It’s the same stupid stuff everyone does when caught up in an affair. It’s a roller coaster. For my AP as well , we have sat and cried with one another knowing what this is doing is killing us and our families as well, it is seriously an ugly addiction. Those say oh just go find a single guy yea I know I can and I will do that but I first have to get clean from this addiction

[Twistedlove]

My marriage fell apart because yes my husband was unfaithful I never caught him but there was evidence just not point plank evidence. My marriage also fell apart because my husband was mentally abusive and physically and our children were suffering from the toxic relationship. This was long before any infedlity. My husband and I grew apart long before my affair.

[Amethyst68]

Your MM is also emotionally abusing his wife and you are a willing party to it.

 

 

You meet 4 times a week for your 2 hour sex marathons, that's at least 8 hours that he stealing from his family or his job. This man's a very practised liar to be able to carry out this level of deception to be able to get away with it not to mention to be able to gaslight his wife enough to be able to contact you only a month after DDay.

 

 

You say you go to church every week, have you thought about talking to your priest or minister? They may be able to offer you some counsel about the situation. I sense that you don't really want to give up the affair or the man, that you've persuaded yourself you somehow deserve each other!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You meet 4 times a week for your 2 hour sex marathons, that's at least 8 hours that he stealing from his family or his job. This man's a very practised liar to be able to carry out this level of deception to be able to get away with it not to mention to be able to gaslight his wife enough to be able to contact you only a month after DDay.

 

Kinda mind-boggling that the BS hasn't caught on that the affair has resumed.

[anika99]

Kinda mind-boggling that the BS hasn't caught on that the affair has resumed.

 

Not really. If the meetups are happening during working hours then how is the BS supposed to know. She obviously can't watch her husband 24 hours a day.

[anika99]

My marriage fell apart because yes my husband was unfaithful I never caught him but there was evidence just not point plank evidence. My marriage also fell apart because my husband was mentally abusive and physically and our children were suffering from the toxic relationship. This was long before any infedlity. My husband and I grew apart long before my affair.

 

Nevertheless, you didn't leave your husband until after you started your affair so I believe the affair was the catalyst to leaving.

[DKT3]

My marriage fell apart because yes my husband was unfaithful I never caught him but there was evidence just not point plank evidence. My marriage also fell apart because my husband was mentally abusive and physically and our children were suffering from the toxic relationship. This was long before any infedlity. My husband and I grew apart long before my affair.

 

Let me start by saying, I dont want to discount your claim of abuse, but yet again this is all too common. Someone challenges your points and you up the ante. It happens here all the time.

 

As stated, all of the REASONS you come up with now are irrelevant because you stayed...until you were sleeping with another man.

 

All of this plays a part in your original question or statement about being jealous. I'm guessing a part of it is because you gave up your marriage and he is still sleeping with his wife. You are giving more, expecting more and getting less. You may not be willing to admit that yet, but you will eventually

[Vivir]

I'm guessing a part of it is because you gave up your marriage and he is still sleeping with his wife. You are giving more, expecting more and getting less.

 

And, if you continue along this line like others of us have, having your expectations managed down will eventually lead to you further resenting him.

[Overtaxed]

I know you want to THINK that just because you two were 'friends' first, you were getting the actual truth from this guy as far as how horrible and hurried his sex life was.

 

What you don't realize is that just because you thought you two were 'buddies' sharing your marital woes and he didn't have an agenda and no reason to lie to you, doesn't make it so. Most married men - especially those complaining to a woman they find attractive that their sex life is non-existent and/or awful - have an agenda. No matter how innocently he tried to appear like he was just your 'confidant' and was sharing secrets and nothing else, it would be foolish to honestly think he wasn't 'grooming' you for an affair. Seriously. You're too old to be this naive.

 

I'm of the thinking that an A simply cannot happen without an agenda from at least one (and sometimes both) APs. There too complex, too much planning, too much lying, too much hiding to "just happen" (I mean, maybe in the case of a ONS, maybe, but even then, if I don't go to the bar tonight thinking "I'm going to look for someone to sleep with" guess what? A ONS is almost certain not to happen).

 

But an A like this? Someone is pulling the "strings". And if it's not you (OP), then it's him. The "just happened" A is a fairy tale, IMHO. It might feel like it just happened to you, but, for him, it was a long series of calculated steps and careful wording to get you to the point of being willing to accept the OW role (which is a terribly crappy role for anyone who's not just out for "more sex").

 

This guy sounds like a practiced cheat and liar to me. Even if his wife says "it's the first A", all that tells you is that she never caught him before, not that it is, in fact, his first A.

[lolita888]

You are a human, that's why. And as a human, it's normal to feel jealous knowing that the person you love is sleeping with someone else.

Technically you have no right, because after all she is his wife - someone whom he had sex many times before, still have sex with and will have more sex with in the future.

 

Whatever he told you about his sexual relationship with his wife: be it truth or lie: wouldn't change the fact that they still have sex together.

 

But again like I said, it is normal to feel that way. It is normal to feel jealous think that they are sleeping together. It's normal to get hurt. No one has the right to tell you that you shouldn't be feeling that way because I am pretty sure you don't want to feel it as well but what can you do? you can't tell your heart what to feel.

 

What I think is wrong is you nagging about it to your AP. They are married - and as much as you hate it there's nothing you can do about it. He will have to sleep with her. Unless he divorced her for you only to ended up sleeping with her again - only then do you have the right to nag.

[Aloha123]

Hi -- I actually originally FOUND this forum by googling something about being jealous of the wife of a married man.

My situation is a little different in that I was stupid enough to get involved with a MM who told me FROM THE BEGINNING that he had a pretty good marriage, he had no intention of leaving, that their sex life though somewhat boring was certainly fine in terms of frequency and he is still very attracted to her, etc.

In the beginning, even though I was in a sexless marriage myself, I thought I could deal with this as it just comes with the territory. And that I had absolutely no standing to be bothered by it, as I knew what I was signing up for not to mention I was now involved with 2 people myself.

Of course, it still bothered me as I am human. Over time, my jealousy of their situation waxes and wanes, in a vicious cycle. Also, because their marriage is SO much stronger than mine (in addition to the better sex life, they are just more compatiblegenerally and do fun stuff all the time together, etc.)

So it's a bit of a slap in the face, the juxtaposition between the 2 situations, not to mention for him it's basically win-win for him, lose-lose for me (he has a better marriage than I do, which then makes him less tormented by the affair, and for me the exact opposite is true)

BUT, i have recognized from the beginning, and even more so as time goes on, that I should NOT nag him about it. Though I have cited it often to him as a reason I want to end things, that I can't take the jealousy, that I don't understand why he even needs or wants to be in an affair, etc., I have never once expressed to him anger over his marriage (envy yes, anger no).

Basically, I know that, if I can't stand the heat, I need to get out of the kitchen. If you you want the affair to continue (which I don't recommend!), you need to just develop a thicker skin. Because what you are describing is the nature of the beast.

[pepperbird]

My marriage fell apart because yes my husband was unfaithful I never caught him but there was evidence just not point plank evidence. My marriage also fell apart because my husband was mentally abusive and physically and our children were suffering from the toxic relationship. This was long before any infedlity. My husband and I grew apart long before my affair.

 

 

what makes this any different from what you and your ap are doing?

[Twistedlove]

Aloha123 thank you nice to see someone in the exact situation. MM is ridden with guilt all the time. Every day. Like he tells me there’s no reason to be jealous because once a month is not a healthy sex relationship. When the affair started I was still having sex with my husband 3 times a week and MM knew but also our feelings weren’t as intense at that point. It DEF shifted after I was no longer married and he was the onr still having sex with his wife. Naturally. But In my defense before he got caught or we got caught it had been months since they were sexually active. She started doing the once a month thing after they were caught. I actually have a friend who is a friend of hers so I know he’s just not saying that.

[Songbird4]

Cheating men will tell the woman they’re having the affair with that life sucks with his wife. They’ll say that they are sexually and emotionally deprived. And every single time the side girl falls for it.

 

He is not in a relationship with you. You have become emotionally attached to someone that will never give you what you really want which is for him to be with no one else but you. If he’s still having sex with his wife 2x a month it’s because he wants to.... you mentioned his wife hates sex, well then why is he still pursuing sex with her?

 

And think about how you would feel if you were being cheated on. You’re jealous about him having sex with the only person he should be having sex with .... imagine if you were together and his wife wasn’t in the picture and he started cheating on you. Engaging with a MM is nothing but trouble. Move on and find a single guy. You’ll be happier if you do.

[Twistedlove]

It is no different , mine is probably worst since I’ve been WITH MM FOR OVER A YEAR

[Twistedlove]

I do try not to nag about it I do express jealousy as he has expressed jealousy as well when my husband and I were active. I do not want to feel this way. I am a very passionate person and so it does eat at me. I have no right I do know but yes I am human. Thank you. Thank you for the kind words. If only I could see the hurt this whole situation would endure. It wasn’t suppose to get this messy but I’m sure they never are. MM knows how passionate I am and that what drew him to me because I def am the opposite of his wife. His wife was a virgin when they got married (he wasn’t) and she just never has been sexual. I am very sexual and enjoy sex. And now that I have experienced the passion I have with MM (maybe being the affair) I want more and don’t want to settle

[Twistedlove]

I am not going to sit here and try to make all of y’all believe he is not a serial cheat, he is not manulipulating me, he is not just trying to get sex. He has sex with his wife twice a month because she is his wife and he was rejected by her for 18 years pretty much so he honestly doesn’t try because even still when he does try and she doesn’t want to she rejects him still. During the convo with her after we got caught she did admit to that. She pretty much calls the shots , she the one who says when they will have sex and it’s always once a month around the same time actually which is coming up. I know the whole he’s different , yes he is a man but he is not a player. Far from it. He is a human who has made a bad mistake and both of us have gotten in over our heads. He never promised me anything he cannot keep. He honestly wants me happy and that is why we are always on the verge of break up because we are both battling of letting each other go.

[Twistedlove]

The heart can love more than one person. The heart just loves it doesn’t know a piece of paper. Sometimes a person comes along and it’s out of your control but that doesn’t mean you’re a band person.

[Songbird4]

If his wife has rejected him and he’s deprived why doesn’t he just divorce his wife? Why is he choosing to stay and hurt her and keep you on the side? The heart may love more than one person but that doesn’t mean the person should act on those feelings especially when other people are involved and can get hurt. From what you’ve described it sounds like he’d be happier divorced.

[bathtub-row]

The heart can love more than one person. The heart just loves it doesn’t know a piece of paper. Sometimes a person comes along and it’s out of your control but that doesn’t mean you’re a band person.

 

To me, it has nothing to do with being good or bad. What it has to do with is making poor decisions for YOUR life, and not thinking of others that will be affected by your actions. There’s a reason why the rules about infidelity and not sleeping with a MM are there. They’re a protection for everyone involved. Not just for what some see as the innocent spouse, but your life is being affected negatively and that’s one of the reasons why it’s a bad decision. And, yes, despite all this “the heart wants what it wants” rationalizing, you should take into consideration the people being affected by your actions. We cannot go through life being only concerned about what we want.

 

Hands down, involving ourselves with a MM is a completely bad idea. You can rationalize it all day long, you can do the math every which way you can and you’ll still come up with the same answer. The sad part is, you won’t fully see the truth in those words until you’ve wasted more years of your life and totally regret what you did.