Tiffany1930 Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 I am a MW seeing aMM fir five months. We are late fifties kids are grown. He was looking for emotional/physical intimacy as he says his partner has health issues and is unable to have sex. Also very angry person. My H is a lovely man but we have no sexual connection haven’t for years. We both started this looking fir emotional and sexual intimacy. Neither had intent on leaving relationship. However I have fallen in love. He said it was mutual. Then at Christmas after a particularly romantic hotel visit he seemed to back off a bit. We still spoke m-f but texted less. Could never get any f2f time. It’s been 5 weeks. He says it’s just a schedule problem but I’m feeling insecure. I am not typically insecure but totally am in this situation. He feels I want a future and he is unable to provide that. I’m not ready to let go I love being together but the long periods between visits are brutal. Has anyone else had problems with these small amounts of time that are invested. It makes me feel like a convenience sometimes. It’s really hard to cope in my own life always wondering when the next time will be. If he still made me feel persued perhaps I’d be more confident but even to me at my age it seems ridiculous to need that. Not sure where all this insecurity is coming from. I’d love to hear perspective from others. Especially a MM ... would this insecurity drive you crazy? I hate spending all our time talking about relationship...I want to relax and enjoy it
Normm Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 There's always going to be a degree of insecurity and uncertainty in a relationship because you never know where the person's head is really at. In the case of a partner who is married to someone else, all bets are off. You want to max out your security? Stay away from married people who cheat on their partners. The odds are high it's not going to end well for you. 1
sagamore Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Definitely go. Your choices are these: get your heart broken now, or get it REALLY broken later. You know he’s already checked out. These relationships have a natural arc and this one is over. I’m sorry.
DKT3 Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 I really wish more women would truly understand the appeal of affairs. it's not all the love stuff that we hear thrown around here. It's the emotional instability. Teenage girls are emotionally unstable, the rollercoaster loss makes the highs feel higher. The taboo sex, sneaking around like a couple of kids, sex in cars, bathrooms, hotels and so on. That's not love, its chasing fleeting feelings like chasing a drug high. Stay or go? In what? I'd say if it's your marriage I say go.
SkittlesRainbowGirl Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 (edited) I'd if there is a change in how often you see him something is changing in his life. Maybe he feels guilty for having an A & is backing off. For your own sanity I'd say go. Edited February 3, 2019 by SkittlesRainbowGirl spelling
ManMar Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 For some reason all answers have a bitter tone. I,d say two things to you : 1) I dont think you r doing anything wrong. Just do all u can to avoid hurting others. 2) get used to hot cold behavior, on you ap but also on yourself, it is just a consequence of conflicting trade offs that both of you r going to be making. Develop a thick skin.
Zona Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 I'm kinda confused. Since you have no real connection to your husband, do you think he would be OK with your affair? Why not just be honest with him and tell him that you no longer love him and that you want a divorce? 2
Bama Belle Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 Normm is right. I'm not judging this man. I don't know him. But when married people fool around, it never works out well. And just because you don't feel a sexual connection with your husband doesn't mean he won't be devastated. My husband and I hit a bad patch. I thought he didn't see me anymore, just the mother of his children and partner in running a house-the one who knows where everything is. So, I let a Face Book flirtation get too flirtatious. I decided to tell the man goodbye in a letter like an idiot. My husband found the letter and was not only devastated, he called the man's wife! I thought this was a horrible thing to do, but my shrink said it was fairly common: lashing out and also wanting another warden in the other camp. Can you be certain there is no possibility of this? Even if it doesn't, however distant and flawed his wife may seem at first, eventually she becomes a very real presence who is sleeping with your boyfriend. Have you exhausted all attempts to rekindle things with your husband? Discussed it? Tried spicing things up on your end? If so, you both deserve to be with someone who sees you as sexual beings, someone who isn't married. He already told you he can't give you a future. Again, if you two get busted, someone is going to get hurt. Like Normm said, "The odds are high things are not going to turn out good."
Overtaxed Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 What do you want from the relationship? Once you know that, then you can decide, morality put aside, if an A is a good choice for you. Very, very few AP's go on to be happily married (1-5%, depending on who you believe). Especially male AP's very few are looking for a "new wife" they are looking to add something to what they feel is missing from their primary relationship (which is most commonly "sex", or sexual acts). So, what do you want to get out of the relationship? There are some things that A's are very good at, more sex, kinky sex, keeping secrets, emotional highs and lows.. If that's what you're after and you can live with what it will do to your H, then walk in with your eyes open and make a decision. But don't be the millions of people who pursue an A for all the "wrong reasons". If "more sex" isn't your goal, you're probably looking the wrong place, because A's are demonstrably terrible at leading to anything lasting or significant. If "more sex" is your goal the next question is trying to see what that sex is worth to you, how important is it compared to how badly it will hurt your H.
sandylee1 Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 He's backing off because you're becoming emotionally involved and he doesn't want that. In addition he probably feels guilty because his wife has health issues. Why is leaving your marriage and finding a single man not a viable option?
Miss Clavel Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 i'd just get back to basics. which are, neither of you is sleeping with anyone else. you can't cheat on platonic. remind him you will never divorce your husband. not unless you want to lose 1/2 your assets at your age and 1/3 of your money to a lawyer.
elaine567 Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 He feels I want a future and he is unable to provide that. ^^ bottom line. You and he ran headlong towards the cliff edge and whilst you were happy to jump off and rely on Fate, he went wait a minute that looks scary, that looks like something I am not prepared to do. Now he is backing off big time and you would be silly hanging around waiting... You will only get him by default, ie if his wife finds out and she kicks him out. Even then they may still reconcile... Spend some time reading the other threads in this section. You will find your situation is not uncommon. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/667274-never-thought-i-d-ow-long-post - describes a very similar situation.
Author Tiffany1930 Posted February 4, 2019 Author Posted February 4, 2019 Thank you for insights My H and I have been platonic for many years, he has untreatable ED issues and as well I’ve never had a true physical attraction to him. He is a lovely man and is aware of all this. The trade off has been a pretty much platonic relationship while I took care of everything... bills, kids, house, decisions, planning life etc. We both work. Now that kids have grown I’ve felt lonely, and hoped there was more to life. This MM was a casual acquaintance thru work that started as a friend. Like most people I’d never have thought I’d make the choice to have affair. I’ve thought fir years there was something wrong with me for not wanting physical relationship why we were settling for this marriage friendship of sorts and what would happen when it was just us. I think in my gut I knew this MM was backing off due to my emotional attachment but he continued to say he loved me which gave me hope. He continues to say he still wants this even tho he acknowledges that he won’t leave for financial and I do suspect guilt....but I do believe the love and support is missing from his partner. I have told my H that I needed a separation, it’s tearing him apart. Having a relationship for sex alone is tearing me apart. It seems a lose lose situation. If I find the strength to say goodbye to my MM he desperately wants to remain friends and maintain the emotional intimacy... I’m not sure I can balance it all . Thanks to all for your perspectives...it truly helps
Zona Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 (edited) I’ve never had a true physical attraction to him. He is a lovely man and is aware of all this. So you are saying that he is aware that you have been having sex with another man and an intimate emotional affair? You've been 100% honest about it? If you take the emotions and fantasy out of it, what kind of position have you put yourself in? You are at a very high risk getting divorced in your 50's and losing half of your assets. What about when your children find out? How will you explain it to them? Do you have daughters? What will you tell them about marriage vows and loyalty and integrity? You've likely irreparably destroyed your husband. He will never be the same, and likely never be able to trust anyone fully again, and will probably suffer PTSD for years. Sorry to be Donny Downer, but your actions have put you in a really bad spot to say the least, and for what? This dude likely wants nothing more than some fun on the side. Just look at the statistics, less than 10% of waywards end up with their AP, and the divorce rate in these cases is about 75%, so the odds of living "happily ever after" with this guy who is cheating on his wife is about 2.5%. Edited February 4, 2019 by Zona
Mrs._December Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 Then at Christmas after a particularly romantic hotel visit he seemed to back off a bit. We still spoke m-f but texted less. Could never get any f2f time. It’s been 5 weeks. He says it’s just a schedule problem but I’m feeling insecure. I am not typically insecure but totally am in this situation. He feels I want a future and he is unable to provide that. You have become a liability to him. The playing field is no longer level, and that's scary for him. When you both started out you were on even footing. Both married, both equally had a lot to lose, both were invested in their marriages and agreeable that this was ONLY for fun. Then you went and changed the rules on him. Now you're 'in love' with him and told him, so he felt he had to return the favor and claimed he loves you too, but I don't believe him. I think he just said it to you because a lot of cheating men tell their OW that to keep them happy. He also told you he loves likely because he selfishly didn't want the sex to end. I'm guessing during your romantic Christmas interlude, you must have made a couple comments about having a future with him, or maybe hinted around that you're considering leaving your husband, or maybe you asked him a few questions about his future that were big red flags to him. He's clearly getting the vibe from you that you're expecting something from him in the future. So, you've become a liability to him now. The scales are imbalanced and for him, it appears that the risk is no longer worth the reward for him. 2
BaileyB Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 He's backing off because you're becoming emotionally involved and he doesn't want that. This. He’s probably starting to worry that you are going to do something “crazy” like divorce your husband and expect him to do the same... so you can be together. That’s not what he signed up for, so he I said putting some distance between you. And thus begins the push-pull dynamic of an affair... I want you, but I don’t want you. Good luck with that. 1
ManMar Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 What do you want from the relationship? Once you know that, then you can decide, morality put aside, if an A is a good choice for you. Very, very few AP's go on to be happily married (1-5%, depending on who you believe). Especially male AP's very few are looking for a "new wife" they are looking to add something to what they feel is missing from their primary relationship (which is most commonly "sex", or sexual acts). So, what do you want to get out of the relationship? There are some things that A's are very good at, more sex, kinky sex, keeping secrets, emotional highs and lows.. If that's what you're after and you can live with what it will do to your H, then walk in with your eyes open and make a decision. But don't be the millions of people who pursue an A for all the "wrong reasons". If "more sex" isn't your goal, you're probably looking the wrong place, because A's are demonstrably terrible at leading to anything lasting or significant. If "more sex" is your goal the next question is trying to see what that sex is worth to you, how important is it compared to how badly it will hurt your H. totally disagree. sex is one very important aspect of any relationship, affairs included, for BOTH men and women ... but not the only one.... what you dont want is to be used or abused (for sex or for emotional support or for anything else), you should get your needs covered, whatever they are
BTDT2012 Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 It seems a lose lose situation. If I find the strength to say goodbye to my MM he desperately wants to remain friends and maintain the emotional intimacy... You can't say goodbye and be friends. He wants NSA sex. He's not going to leave his wife. You are emotionally attached. I don't see this ending well for you. 1
PhoenixRising8 Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 ^^ bottom line. You and he ran headlong towards the cliff edge and whilst you were happy to jump off and rely on Fate, he went wait a minute that looks scary, that looks like something I am not prepared to do. Now he is backing off big time and you would be silly hanging around waiting... You will only get him by default, ie if his wife finds out and she kicks him out. Even then they may still reconcile... Spend some time reading the other threads in this section. You will find your situation is not uncommon. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/667274-never-thought-i-d-ow-long-post - describes a very similar situation. Yup, that would be me. Except in my case MM actually said he wanted a future and told his wife! That was 5 months ago and guess where he is? With her and currently on vacation in Hawaii!!! Even when they tell you they want a future, when push comes to shove, it’s safer to stay where they are. When they tell you they don’t want a future, believe them and thank them for being honest rather than making promises they can’t keep. I’ve been in bits since November when I finally started to think he wouldn’t actually go through with it. Now I know he won’t.
stillafool Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 You have become a liability to him. The playing field is no longer level, and that's scary for him. When you both started out you were on even footing. Both married, both equally had a lot to lose, both were invested in their marriages and agreeable that this was ONLY for fun. Then you went and changed the rules on him. Now you're 'in love' with him and told him, so he felt he had to return the favor and claimed he loves you too, but I don't believe him. I think he just said it to you because a lot of cheating men tell their OW that to keep them happy. He also told you he loves likely because he selfishly didn't want the sex to end. I'm guessing during your romantic Christmas interlude, you must have made a couple comments about having a future with him, or maybe hinted around that you're considering leaving your husband, or maybe you asked him a few questions about his future that were big red flags to him. He's clearly getting the vibe from you that you're expecting something from him in the future. So, you've become a liability to him now. The scales are imbalanced and for him, it appears that the risk is no longer worth the reward for him. ***BINGO*** OP, read this as this is exactly what is happening. Also don't believe him that he isn't having sex with his wife.
Aloha123 Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 The hot/cold, push/pull, contact/no contact, is 100% par for the course in any affair, and 9 times out of 10 it is the MM who is controlling the ebb and flow of that. This is because, as somebody on this forum always says (I forget who), the one who cares less has all of the control. And yes sensing that you are getting too attached will absolutely cause them to retreat. I used to find this whole dynamic extremely confusing and upsetting until I found this forum, where I learned that it is par for the course, and that my affair was playing out exactly according to script.
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