LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > The Other Man / Woman

Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

Like Tree623Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 19th October 2018, 6:56 PM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 473
Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

Long time lurker first time posting. Sorry this is long.

I never thought I would be the other woman, but here I am. My father was a prolific cheater, just because he could be. It was what caused my parents to divorce when I was 2 and that led to their abandonment of me to my grandparents. It was what led me to believe cheaters were the worst kind of people. I was always the good child, teen, adult, the good girlfriend and wife. Iíve had 2 sexual partners (not including my AP) and both were husbands. The first 6 months of the affair were unbelievably amazing; the last 5 weeks a rollercoaster of emotion and angst. So how did I get here?

After a 30 year relationship with my current husband, we finally separated 4 months ago, three months into the affair. I had been in an increasingly deeper depression for several years, finally culminating in my feeling like the walking dead. Every time I went home, I felt like I was suffocating and when I closed my eyes, I could see and feel a noose around my neck depriving me of oxygen. He had effectively isolated me, including from my own child. I could see no way out as I am the sole breadwinner, hubby being 18 years older and retired. It would be financial ruin as I would not only split our jointly held assets and my inheritance, which I effectively gave to him many years earlier by putting it into our home not realizing it meant half would be his, I would also potentially have to split my income due to our divorce laws. At the depth of my depression, I thought the only way I could survive would be to find someone to provide me with a distraction from the daily reality of my miserable life. I craved companionship, understanding and human touch. My husband and I had been in separate bedrooms on and off for years, and celibate for at least 10.

So what happened in my marriage? Well I finally realized I was married to a narcissist, thanks to several people who knew him, including a surgeon and psychologist. He would threaten to leave me whenever we had a significant fight. He threatened suicide. He told me I didnít understand him and couldnít communicate with him. Even when he was wrong, it somehow became my fault because he had a way of turning it around on me. He drove a wedge between me and my only child by telling me I was right in my discipline but telling her I was too hard on her, by telling her I was mentally unstable, and the list goes on. No matter how I begged and pleaded for him to listen and understand, for us to seek counselling (which he now denies), he would proclaim he now understood me and had changed and everything would be alright going forward. Wash, rinse, repeat. I could go on with specifics, but I think this paints the picture. Now that we are separated, he is still trying to manipulate me by telling me heís changed but I am firm. He wants to reconcile but the thought is repulsive to me. I will not go back to that life. He still tries to turn things around on me, the latest being his assertion that had I stood up to him when he was being manipulative, our marriage would have worked. I was aghast at his gaul! He is a psychology major and was a social worker for a time but denies he ever knew I had abandonment issues or that victims have a hard time standing up for themselves!

I had several ďdatesĒ and numerous messaging exchanges from men on a dating website. None appealed. Enter Prince Charming. The similarities between us are eerie: both shy, sensitive, abandoned and without much prior experience. He too was adopted at 6 months and had a spouse who devalued him, took him for granted, disrespected him and made him feel stupid and they too had not been in the same bedroom since end of 2015. We instinctively finish each otherís sentences, we know when the other is down, we can communicate in a way that neither of us has communicated with anyone before. We opened up to each other almost immediately, like we had never done with anyone before. It was fireworks and connection from the outset. We started the affair as friends who would work up to "benefits" (which took numerous dates to become physical) with the understanding that it was to alleviate the situation at home and we would not leave our spouses. We would be each otherís surrogates. Before 3 months were up, I had been on 2 trips away, one 6 days and one 18 days. To say being apart was excruciating is an understatement. We talked 5 and 6 times a day and messaged continuously. When I was in town, we would see each other 4 or 5 times a week.

When I returned from the longer trip, it was very apparent that something changed for both of us. My husband was vile and malicious to me after my longer trip and I finally had enough so we separated. It was then that my Prince Charming started to float the idea of US as a couple forever. And 5 weeks ago, he told his wife he didnít love her, didnít miss her while she was away a month earlier, might have settled and wanted a separation. Before that, while I was on my longer trip, he abandoned her for a lengthy period, on their anniversary so he could console me. He didnít go to Motherís Day brunch because I was upset with my ex and ready to pack it in with him also. He wouldnít end the conversation until I told him I wouldnít break up with him. He was always there to lend an ear and listen.

Yes I know everyone will say itís just promises and stories about his wife and his desire to leave but I know them to be the truth. No Iím not that naÔve and gullible. I have listened to his rants after she did certain things that showed he was little more than an errand boy. I have heard telephone calls between him and his kids (in their 20ís but both still living at home) where he tells them that he doesnít think he can continue with their mother, that he believes everyone will ultimately be happier if they are living apart. I have heard her via telephone say that she isnít worth his even trying to salvage the marriage. So no, he hasnít been lying about wanting to end the marriage. Unfortunately, irrational guilt is getting in the way of the final step. The last 5 weeks have been torturous. Mostly he does things that show heís serious about ending the marriage including refusing to go back to the bedroom (he calls me every night while in bed), starting to stay out all night at a friendís and now telling her he has plans for the night of her birthday that donít include her. I know this to be true, again because I heard it for myself. Then when he does take a significant step, she rightfully gets upset and he starts to feel guilty and then says despite what he wants to do, he may not be able to do it because of the guilt.

We are both first time cheaters, emotionally spent and running on fumes. I have told him that while he believes he is letting her down gently, he is being cruel because itís slow torture when your husband isnít trying to work on the marriage by returning to the bedroom, showing affection, staying away from home for work or exercise or whatever, lying to you every day and avoiding talking. He doesnít want her to be devastated but in the process, he is devastating everyone, himself and his kids because as young adults, they see and understand what is going on. He believes he wonít be happy with her, doesnít have the inclination to work on the marriage, loves me and shows it every day, takes steps to end it but canít seem to take that final step. I donít want to leave him but I also donít know how much longer I can take this without losing my mind. With my ex in the background harassing me and playing his old game, I'm ready to explode.
LilKatKat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th October 2018, 7:14 PM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 63
You live apart from your husband?
Maybelle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th October 2018, 8:08 PM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 473
Yes, we separated 4 months ago. Doesn't stop him from harassing me and being his old abusive self. Called me a loser today. And that's mild compared to other things he's said.
LilKatKat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th October 2018, 8:18 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 63
What do you think prevents him from taking the final step and divorcing her?
Maybelle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th October 2018, 8:38 PM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 473
He feels guilty about hurting the mother of his children. Admits he didn't try to work things out when he might have had a chance and feels guilty about that. Guilty about the grief it will do to his kids. Just guilt all over the place. Feels he might take the martyr route and cause more grief to everyone, including us, just so he won't feel guilty about hurting her. Thinks she hasn't a clue he's having an affair because she trusts him and he's always been a proud family man. I think he's the naive one. She's suggested he has his "friend" over for dinner which he declines of course. Has talked about several affairs, including her dad and her parents managed to work it out. No she hasn't a clue! He denies it of course because he doesn't want the kids to hate him or me to get everyone's wrath. But yeah, I'd be willing to bet she knows.
LilKatKat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th October 2018, 9:57 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 63
For his sake and yours, and really everyone else's, he has to make a decision. Prolonging the agony is worse for everyone. And it isn't fair to you if he isn't going to end his marriage. You deserve a chance at happiness too.
Maybelle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th October 2018, 1:38 AM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 327
Congratulations on getting yourself out of the toxic relationship you describe your marriage to be. No-one deserves to be treated like that and I'm glad you've finally found the strength to move forward.

I have to be honest I'm not seeing what's so great about this MM, you met on a dating website, doesn't say much for his self proclaimed character as a proud family man.

You describe him as shy and sensitive while describing what must be absolutely torturous behaviour to his wife. Whether she suspects a physical affair or not he has obviously been flaunting you and your affair in front of her and their children.

I know you will find a way to justify everything because you want him but please think hard - you've just left one abusive man, do you really want to welcome another into your life, and make no mistake what your MM is doing is abuse not to mention cowardly.....

Why do I still think you'll still have him on that pedestal though!

I actually hope his wife gets a clue and throws him out, I suspect though you wouldn't see him for dust as he would be trying to win her back.
Amethyst68 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th October 2018, 4:02 AM   #8
Established Member
 
sandylee1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 6,236
Your marriage was a bad one, so it's good you're out of it.

Your MM is being incredibly cruel to his wife and that would worry me, because if he can treat the mother of his children like this, he'll have no problem doing the same to you.

You say his wife treats him like an errand boy, but look how he's treating her.

Would you act loving to a ma man who behaved this way?

All these are really nasty...and show his personality.

He didnít go to Motherís Day brunch

5 weeks ago, he told his wife he didnít love her, didnít miss her while she was away a month earlier

he abandoned her for a lengthy period, on their anniversary

starting to stay out all night at a friendís

and now telling her he has plans for the night of her birthday that donít include her

His behaviour towards his wife amounts to mental cruelty. That's your future if you end up with him and things are rocky.

His behaviour towards her is what would really scare me off, especially given the way your husband was.

He's so nice to you, but abandons her and treats her poorly in favour of you.

When men behave like this most smart women know it's because his head has been turned.
__________________
'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to'
sandylee1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th October 2018, 5:27 AM   #9
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Australia
Posts: 11
Quote:
Originally Posted by sandylee1 View Post
Your marriage was a bad one, so it's good you're out of it.

Your MM is being incredibly cruel to his wife and that would worry me, because if he can treat the mother of his children like this, he'll have no problem doing the same to you.
Sandilee highlights some red flags here.. but its hard when your heart is involved because we don't want to see or acknowledge these flags.. I know I don't personally, and push aside those while I am in this fog..

You have been through so so so much.. and come through so much too.. you're incredibly strong, and also brave, for leaving.. many don't.. they stay..

I hope you never end up in another relationship where you are treated as poorly as you were (and still are) by your xH. Make sure that even while your heart is currently occupied witMM.. that you ensure you protect your future self..

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 28th October 2018 at 11:01 AM..
metamorphasing is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th October 2018, 6:30 AM   #10
Established Member
 
elaine567's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 16,626
Older man, long marriage - he has too much to lose by leaving.
Is he really going to give up his cosy married existence and financial security for some woman who cheated on her husband, probably not.
How could he ever really trust her?
He knows that, so he plays the stupid game of sitting in the middle doing essentially nothing, but at the same time wreaking havoc.
He is a weak man playing with two women's lives for his own gain.

If this goes as it usually does, wife finds out, D-day, he either goes LC or NC, if he goes LC it will all continue until the next Dday, then he will either get chucked out and come running to you or he will throw you under the proverbial bus and go NC. If he comes running, you get him by default, but at any moment he may go back to the wife as he is so "guilty".
If he goes NC on Dday, in a bid to save his marriage, you may never hear from him again...

Be prepared.

BTW Prince Charming scoured the kingdom for Cinderella and was not happy till he found her, this guy can't even pack a bag and leave his wife...
elaine567 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th October 2018, 7:45 AM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 2,219
Quote:
Originally Posted by sandylee1 View Post

All these are really nasty...and show his personality.

He didnít go to Motherís Day brunch

5 weeks ago, he told his wife he didnít love her, didnít miss her while she was away a month earlier

he abandoned her for a lengthy period, on their anniversary

starting to stay out all night at a friendís

and now telling her he has plans for the night of her birthday that donít include her

His behaviour towards his wife amounts to mental cruelty.
You're specifically including the night he told her he wanted a separation as one of your red flags of him being a horrible person. In your estimation, is separation and divorce always mental cruelty?

Separation is going to involve abandoning your spouse and having plans on what would have been their birthday/anniversary/otherholidays.
somanymistakes is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th October 2018, 8:51 AM   #12
Established Member
 
elaine567's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 16,626
Quote:
Originally Posted by somanymistakes View Post
You're specifically including the night he told her he wanted a separation as one of your red flags of him being a horrible person. In your estimation, is separation and divorce always mental cruelty?

Separation is going to involve abandoning your spouse and having plans on what would have been their birthday/anniversary/otherholidays.
If he is separating then go ahead and separate, where the cruel part comes in, is when he says we're separating, we're done, then he continues on as is.
Actions speak louder than words.
He says he is leaving yet still sticks around, that tells his wife that words are just words and he doesn't really mean them, else he would be packing a bag, calling a lawyer and putting the house on the market.
Of course we don't know what else he tells his wife though.
"Sorry I love you..." may be in there too... that is the problem with MM.
elaine567 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th October 2018, 12:27 PM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 327
Agreed, telling a spouse or partner you are unhappy and want to separate is one thing.You discuss and prepare how and when to tell family and friends, how to handle the the break up physically and emotionally with as much dignity as possible.

What it is NOT is this passive aggressive crap the MM is doing by staying all night and telling her he's not going to celebrate her birthday with her. If nothing else they're the actions of an immature man who thinks nothing of trying to casually destroy his wife's feelings.

I wouldn't accept this behaviour from a teenager, why would you think it's acceptable from this self asked moral family man?
Amethyst68 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th October 2018, 8:00 PM   #14
Established Member
 
sandylee1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 6,236
Quote:
Originally Posted by somanymistakes View Post
You're specifically including the night he told her he wanted a separation as one of your red flags of him being a horrible person. In your estimation, is separation and divorce always mental cruelty?

Separation is going to involve abandoning your spouse and having plans on what would have been their birthday/anniversary/otherholidays.
There's no issue with divorce or seperation...but you don't need to tell your spouse you didnt miss them while away for a long while...or that you have plans on their birthday that don't include them.

He's being cruel to his wife and the OP knows it...hence she's said those things.

So on one of the days he said he didnt love her... what of all the other times?

He's rubbing it in her face... let him get on with filing for divorce and stop being so nasty.
sandylee1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st October 2018, 2:27 AM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 473
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amethyst68 View Post
I have to be honest I'm not seeing what's so great about this MM, you met on a dating website, doesn't say much for his self proclaimed character as a proud family man.

You describe him as shy and sensitive while describing what must be absolutely torturous behaviour to his wife. Whether she suspects a physical affair or not he has obviously been flaunting you and your affair in front of her and their children.

I know you will find a way to justify everything because you want him but please think hard - you've just left one abusive man, do you really want to welcome another into your life, and make no mistake what your MM is doing is abuse not to mention cowardly.....

Why do I still think you'll still have him on that pedestal though!

I actually hope his wife gets a clue and throws him out, I suspect though you wouldn't see him for dust as he would be trying to win her back.
What’s so great? Well as i said, the first 6 months were unbelievable but the last 5 weeks since he out of the blue decided to tell the wife have been torturous. Before i could count on him to be there for me, listen to me, support me and be my best friend in addition to my lover. The connection, shared experience and understanding between us is like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. Its like he starts to tell me something about his life or his marriage and i know what he’s going to say because I’ve had the same expperience or feeling. It’s like we are one half of the same whole.

Am i going to justify everything he is currently doing? Perhaps to some degree because it took me a couple of months of back and forth with myself after the affair started to finally leave hubby. I went through all the guilt: how could i leave an old man with health problems; what will the family think; maybe there’s something i can do to make it work and so on. Perhaps i wouldnot have left as soon as i did had he not thrown our child under the buss in an effort to get to me. That was the last unforgiveable thing he did after many in the month before he finally left. So i suppose i understand what MM is going through. What i do not understand is why after the weeks of discussion we have had about this where i actually have said to him that his effort to let her down gently is in fact cruel and yet he persists because he just cant take that last stepof actually packing his bags. Just when he thinks he might, one of the kids asks why he canttry to set themarriage right or she throws a pity party like “I’m not worth trying’ and then he retreats.

We did “break up” for like 3 days but he was miserable and that’s how long it took him to call. I will admit though thatin the first 24 hours i did send off about a dozen texts calling him a liar, cheat and coward, among other things. Do i have him on a pedestal? Not nearly as much as i used to.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 25th October 2018 at 7:39 AM.. Reason: fixed quote
LilKatKat is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Never thought It would be this long or hard TheLoveBelow92 Coping 4 16th December 2015 12:42 AM
I thought I was healing...I thought wrong. KennyD Coping 10 1st June 2011 6:38 AM
I thought we had broken up. He thought we were on a break. sedona Second Chances 16 7th April 2008 4:19 AM
I Thought We Were On A Break...He Thought We Were Broken Up... YeahBaby Breaks and Breaking Up 6 4th December 2007 2:44 PM
I never thought it was so hard. Long read!! Nobel Breaks and Breaking Up 5 21st March 2002 12:06 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 3:23 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.