The one who cares less has all the power

[alphamale]

I really don't know what you are asking edgygurl

[edgygirl]

I think I am doing a collective therapy session for myself :lmao:

 

Sorry I know it was kind of long and confusing. I wrote my OP after taking a sleeping pill, what a genius.

 

I really don't know what you are asking edgygurl

[edgygirl]

I agree. While dating is harder in middle age and on, I don't feel everyone I meet is a player. Are there many players, peter pans and damaged goods out there? Probably. But I think I know how to identify them and don't match with them often. I rarely get to meet people like that, although I recognize avoidants are my kryptonite... I'm attracted to distant/unavailable men due to my own childhood dynamics.

 

That generalization about 'our dating pool after a certain age' (ladies) is close to a personal insult. I plead 'not guilty' to 'players, peter pans and/or avoidants'. Consider please the possibility of a man interested in and willing to 'try again' after a failed 'married with children' situation that kept him 'out of the game' for many decades.

[SunnyWeather]

Hi Edgygirl

 

Not sure if these points make sense, but I'll try.

 

In the first few months (heck even onward), I match one's enthusiasm for interest level, vulnerability. If I sense a withdrawal, I do the same while maintaining a connection. I guess you could call it an aloof or mysterious quality that keeps them guessing, and keeps the power dynamic equal.

 

It's not playing a game, it's sending a message that I can live just fine without them, which is true. I also make it clear that I'm interested in them and like them, but if I suddenly get the vibe they are being wishy-washy or pulling back, I subtly (or not so subtlety, lol) adjust in kind. I become less available and less enthusiastic while they sort themselves out. Sure, I may be disappointed, but I sure as heck ain't gonna waste my time with someone who doesn't want me.

 

This personality trait shows itself particularly when boundaries/red flags come into play. It signals you are willing to walk away. This requires courage and authenticity to communicate where you stand and what you're made of. If they are not on that same level, sure, it sucks, but it saves you a lot of time, worry and confusion. It says: you know your worth, you know what you want, and if they are onboard, yay.

 

If you are invested in them, let them know, articulate what you're picking up on, and put the ball in their court. That kind of clear communication can be scary, but keeps things real. Some people cannot handle that. I find those that can't deal with that kind of openness are trying to hide something or don't know themselves well enough to be in a relationship.

 

Stay clear with yourself about what you want, the kind of relationship you envision for yourself. You don't have to become a human pretzel to fit into someone's world to make it work out.

 

Do the dance and be the fierce, independent love goddess that you are

[thefooloftheyear]

That generalization about 'our dating pool after a certain age' (ladies) is close to a personal insult. I plead 'not guilty' to 'players, peter pans and/or avoidants'. Consider please the possibility of a man interested in and willing to 'try again' after a failed 'married with children' situation that kept him 'out of the game' for many decades.

 

Most of the time, it's about unrealistic expectations....I wouldn't take it personal...

 

 

TFY

[edgygirl]

Hi SunnyWeather! You're always so kind and logical All you said makes perfect sense to me, and if I had to sum up what I learned from dating in the past years and frequenting LS, your post would be it. BUT, being fearful-avoidant creates an issue: sometimes I am guided by automatic emotions learned from childhood, that take over my rational self. It seems like my conclusions are so logical when they are happening, yet they are not. They are self-sabotaging ones. At least I am aware of it now and trying to be an "observer" of my emotions when I see that happening, and not act on it. Trying to trust my intuition a little less, give the matter some space, so I can look at it again when my rational side is in control again.

 

And then I have some other issues:

 

I recently realized that although I'm very outgoing and usually open, I am a terrible communicator. I always thought I was a good one because I was "sincere and open"... but finally was able to put a mirror back to me and realize I do some stupid things ie - I am passive aggressive when I feel someone is pulling away, I test people when my subconscious fear of abandonment kicks in, I am not as direct as I should be, I probably don't know how to be direct in a healthy way, I wait for them to realize what they're "doing wrong" and fix it... all kinds of non-relationship-building behavior. I am not ashamed to admit I've been wrong all my life about myself and that I'm quite bad at dealing with conflict. It's something I'm looking at trying to learn... effective communication. I feel I have a lot to learn about it. I didn't learn it at home, my family is not good at it. And then I never realized I was not good at it up to recently. It's overwhelming, but at least it's a start, to know your issues.

 

I think I also clearly don't know very well how to articulate I like someone without seeming like I'm coming on too strong.

 

I also didn't learn boundaries. I have stayed in a few relationships longer than I should have, trying to see it with rose colored glasses. I am changing it slowly, I bolt sooner than I used to when red flags are clear.

 

What I'm trying to say is, I think I have a grasp on the theory of how I should behave. But when the time comes and conflict appears, my emotions and anxiety take over and it all goes through the window

 

You are also certainly right about the below.

 

Stay clear with yourself about what you want, the kind of relationship you envision for yourself. You don't have to become a human pretzel to fit into someone's world to make it work out.

[SunnyWeather]

At least I am aware of it now and trying to be an "observer" of my emotions when I see that happening, and not act on it.

 

good start. learning to respond instead of reacting is a great first step. and this applies to observing thoughts as well as emotions. mindfulness and cbt practices have been shown to help with this.

 

you are really self aware and curious about your personal development, and that is a wonderful quality. every relationship teaches you something new about yourself. so there's no "failure" in that, yes?

[edgygirl]

SunnyWeather I have always tried to be self-aware but the truth it there are patterns I didn't see for decades. I thought I was just unlucky or so. Getting hit in your head over and over in dating gives you two options:

 

- Blame everyone else, the world, men, dating apps, superficial things as our age or looks or whatever; (I see a lot of LShakers doing that)

 

- Put a mirror on yourself and try to find out who's the problem here. Usually the common denominator here is... us :lmao: Gosh it can take decades to find out what's wrong... but forums like LS help a ton if you're willing to listen to criticism and then go do some research on the psychology of some recurring themes that permeate your dating life.

 

It takes a lot to be able to let go of our egos, so we're able to find out what our issues are. Very hard, but the best thing any of us can do. We all deserve happiness. I have a lot of things to work on but I won't give up

Edited February 3, 2019 by edgygirl

[salparadise]

That generalization about 'our dating pool after a certain age' (ladies) is close to a personal insult. I plead 'not guilty' to 'players, peter pans and/or avoidants'. Consider please the possibility of a man interested in and willing to 'try again' after a failed 'married with children' situation that kept him 'out of the game' for many decades.

 

I second (or third) this objection to a gross overgeneralization. And additionally, I don't think there are any fewer healthy, suitable men in the dating pool than women. Yea, I could probably list a dozen different ways that single women over a certain age are unsuitable as partners... from emotionally unavailable, to entitlement fantasies, to pure BSC, and yet there are still many wonderful, healthy, reasonable women out there. There are things one must learn to navigate. Careful about the expectations. Being the right person is just as important as finding the right person.

[JuneL]

Most of the time, it's about unrealistic expectations....I wouldn't take it personal...

 

 

TFY

 

It could also be self justification

[Curiousroxy86]

I think it's two things. They wasn't the right person to begin with (running away from a woman who shows interest. Maybe emotionally unavailable. Maybe only thrill of the chaste). They were love bombers. If a man doesn't show intiatial red flags at the beginning then all you have to know if a man is going to stick around and is right for you is the test of time. How he treats you over time. The right man wouldn't run away when things become more vulnerable or intimant.

 

Now the type of partner your being could also play a factor. Do you go from being confident to all the sudden act insecure. Only you can answer that.

 

My past i chose wrong guys and when they started acting distant I got insecure and wanted to work at the relationship not realizing they were wrong for me and cutting them loose

 

I don't know if this approach will work for you but I personally decided to pay attention to red flags, not get upset when they show me they are wrong for me and let them go accordingly, and let time tell me who they are. Also not being afraid to lose a Guy is a key. This helps the insecurity factor for me. I'm going to be the best me that I can be and the right guy will stick. You should believe that too.

[c1nderella]

 

And then I have some other issues:

 

I recently realized that although I'm very outgoing and usually open, I am a terrible communicator. I always thought I was a good one because I was "sincere and open"... but finally was able to put a mirror back to me and realize I do some stupid things ie - I am passive aggressive when I feel someone is pulling away, I test people when my subconscious fear of abandonment kicks in, I am not as direct as I should be, I probably don't know how to be direct in a healthy way, I wait for them to realize what they're "doing wrong" and fix it... all kinds of non-relationship-building behavior. I am not ashamed to admit I've been wrong all my life about myself and that I'm quite bad at dealing with conflict.

 

 

I’m the same way smh

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think it all depends where your bottleneck is. If you are starting up a lot of relationships that last under 6 months, then you are likely doing something wrong. My problem is not meeting any men I’m interested in and then trying to push through relationships when I feel “meh”. I’m not sure how to fix the not meeting interesting men part, given that I hate any socialising and don’t want to do OLD.

 

It will be interesting to see how your dating life improves now that you have had this ephiphany. You will likely be very disappointed and find different theory in a few years. There are so many, many women that are bats..it insane. So much worse that being poor communicators and having poor conflict handling skills. And most of them are still in LTRs and getting married without a problem. Do you actually think that all people in LTRs are psychologically perfect? It’s actually more comforting for you to think that once you “fix” this psychological issue, things will fall into place.