chillii Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 Sometime's l think that sort of thing could do better than fireworks anyway Mr Lucky. It was something like that for my brother and his wife but they've out lasted everyone. Ha , he use to envy us , but now they're the ones still together. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 She is an older woman, she can't compete with the nubile young women on porn sites, she, I am sure knows that, so pretty tactless to bring porn into the conversation. Also a bit insulting and a complete turn off to find he needs "priming" before he can have sex with her... Also many woman will not tolerate porn, due to all sorts of reasons, so she is not really alone there. Certainly not sexy nor romantic to bring it up as pillow talk... Natalie was not competing with the women in the porn (nospam99) was watching. If you read what he wrote, he told her during the time when he wasn't dating anyone (before he met her), he utilized porn to masturbate. You do realize, that as men age, our testosterone goes down and we require additional stimulation or even drugs to get everything to work properly. Yes, I will agree with you that is was not appropriate "pillow talk" on (nospam99's) behalf. I think he has learned his lesson about TMI. Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 If I was a man, I'd dump a woman who's judgemental of whatever porn. Porn is ok. Porn is good. Porn is healthy, even for women. No need to apologize! I'd find it weird if someone didn't watch any porn, even when in a relationship. Who are we trying to kid here? If you read what he wrote, he told her during the time when he wasn't dating anyone (before he met her), he utilized porn to masturbate. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 I'm convinced that you don't get to choose to settle. It may seem like you could, but only in the beginning. When you settle, because it isn't a good fit, somehow it falls apart either you or she may end it. In these relationships both feel somehow things are not "easy". No good for you when you want LTR. When you settle you take yourself off the market. It prevents you from meeting your match and it can happen that you meet a better match before the "settled" relationship has run its course. Relationship are not so easy and when you settle the odds are already against it working out because it's not a good match. You need two people both believing in it, to even have a shot. Think of it as hiring a permanent staff member. There is only one opening. You have the option to leave the position vacant. If you fill it, you are in contract for at least 3 years (this is because you said you're not one to discard a woman when someone better comes along). But if the employee is unhappy, she can walk out anytime. Wouldn't you be rather selective? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 If I was a man, I'd dump a woman who's judgemental of whatever porn. Porn is ok. Porn is good. Porn is healthy, even for women. No need to apologize! I'd find it weird if someone didn't watch any porn, even when in a relationship. Who are we trying to kid here? porn is good in measured doses. if you're watching it 10 hours per day then something is wrong Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 I'd find it weird if someone didn't watch any porn, even when in a relationship. Who are we trying to kid here? People are different. That doesn't make them 'kidding themselves' necessarily. Some people really aren't into porn because they can only be aroused by someone they have an emotional connection to, so random people having sex does nothing for them. I'm not one of those people, I enjoy porn. But not everyone does. And some people enjoy it too much! Link to post Share on other sites
What_Did_I_Do Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 Nospam, what do YOU want in this life. Most of us post 50 are very aware that our good years are dwindling and the thought of being alone permanently is frightening. You may never find your Natalie - or anyone like her - ever again. If your life journey is "to find Natalie" you may be passing up some great ladies along the way. Settling, to me, is one step below finding a partner with similar likes and dislikes where we can build a solid relationship. It all comes down to what YOU want at the end of the day. Then move in that direction.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author nospam99 Posted February 3, 2019 Author Share Posted February 3, 2019 Nospam, what do YOU want in this life. Most of us post 50 are very aware that our good years are dwindling and the thought of being alone permanently is frightening. You may never find your Natalie - or anyone like her - ever again. If your life journey is ''to find Natalie'' you may be passing up some great ladies along the way. Settling, to me, is one step below finding a partner with similar likes and dislikes where we can build a solid relationship. It all comes down to what YOU want at the end of the day. Then move in that direction.... Laughing at how my Natalie metaphor, originally intended to illustrate an unexpectedly very good match, has 'stuck' in this thread ... But to answer your question, I want happiness. At this point I still believe that happiness can be enhanced by a supportive, committed (and sexually satisfying) relationship with a woman who shares my values and interests. To me, by definition sharing my values means we would care about each others' happiness. Fairly easy to describe, so far not so easy to achieve. So finding Natalie is not my life's journey (or whatever is left of it). But I still believe that finding either a Natalie or an almost-Natalie would be a big step along the way on that journey. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 But I still believe that finding either a Natalie or an almost-Natalie would be a big step along the way on that journey. Well, here is hoping you find your Natalie or almost-Natalie at your upcoming "Speed Dating" event. Crossing my fingers, you find her!! Blue skies... Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 Well, here is hoping you find your Natalie or almost-Natalie at your upcoming "Speed Dating" event. Crossing my fingers, you find her!! Blue skies... only one thing that is worse than OLD and that is Speed Dating 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 I want happiness. At this point I still believe that happiness can be enhanced by a supportive, committed (and sexually satisfying) relationship with a woman who shares my values and interests. To me, by definition sharing my values means we would care about each others' happiness. But you'll never know a partner's ability to do the above on a lasting basis by swiping right, or matching search parameters, or waiting for some algorithm to align. It's a little like successful gardening - got to get your hands dirty... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 (edited) Fine. But judging someone because they like it and even breaking up over it? I wouldn’t be able to be with someone so stuck up. Some people really aren't into porn because they can only be aroused by someone they have an emotional connection to, so random people having sex does nothing for them. Agree. I think the point is that some women make such a huge issue out of any porn, it’s flabbergasting. porn is good in measured doses. if you're watching it 10 hours per day then something is wrong Sorry nospam I won’t deviate from the main theme anymore! Edited February 4, 2019 by edgygirl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nospam99 Posted February 4, 2019 Author Share Posted February 4, 2019 I think the point is that some women make such a huge issue out of any porn, it’s flabbergasting. Sorry nospam I won’t deviate from the main theme anymore! Te absolvo. (I'm not Catholic but five years of public school Latin will give you such a crick in the neck.) I appreciate your attitude and insights. A different theme (which I'm not going to bother to further crank up) that would be interesting to continue is people's feelings about the porn and masturbation histories and habits of their partners. As blase as I am about masturbation, losing a special relationship because of it is one of the most painful emotional experiences of my life. (Yes, I hear the peanut gallery saying, 'if she dumped you for masturbating, it wasn't that special'. Agree to disagree.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 (edited) I'm convinced that you don't get to choose to settle. It may seem like you could, but only in the beginning. When you settle, because it isn't a good fit, somehow it falls apart either you or she may end it. In these relationships both feel somehow things are not "easy". No good for you when you want LTR. When you settle you take yourself off the market. It prevents you from meeting your match and it can happen that you meet a better match before the "settled" relationship has run its course. Relationship are not so easy and when you settle the odds are already against it working out because it's not a good match. You need two people both believing in it, to even have a shot. Think of it as hiring a permanent staff member. There is only one opening. You have the option to leave the position vacant. If you fill it, you are in contract for at least 3 years (this is because you said you're not one to discard a woman when someone better comes along). But if the employee is unhappy, she can walk out anytime. Wouldn't you be rather selective? Well , the weird thing is though you can meet people that are perfect for you but you just don't feel the max about it all. So that's something l think of when l hear all the settle stuff. When l was single l met a few girls l'd have to be crazy walking away from really , one or two were actually as perfect for me as l could ever dream we probably could've had a great life . But there was no fireworks for me , that was really the only fault. But if l went with it anyway, maybe just minus the fireworks , then that'd be settling l guess Edited February 4, 2019 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 Well , the weird thing is though you can meet people that are perfect for you but you just don't feel the max about it all. So that's something l think of when l hear all the settle stuff. When l was single l met a few girls l'd have to be crazy walking away from really , one or two were actually as perfect for me as l could ever dream we probably could've had a great life . But there was no fireworks for me , that was really the only fault. But if l went with it anyway, maybe just minus the fireworks . I agree. No fireworks means you're settling. Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 Not sure. Don’t psychologists say fireworks are a sure sign the person is not right for you? That we feel the strongest and most incredible chemistry with people who are wrong for us? That slow burn and getting to know someone and have them grow on you over time is best for long term? (Playing devils advocate, I am not sold on either theory - actually I always thought chemistry and butterflies were the most important thing when you meet someone but I’m trying to rethink things. My sister said she didn’t feel her husband was the passion of her life when she met him. They’ve been together for 30+ years and are the happiest couple I know. I agree. No fireworks means you're settling. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 (Yes, I hear the peanut gallery saying, 'if she dumped you for masturbating, it wasn't that special'. Agree to disagree.) While I won't weigh in on "specialness", I will say her arbitrary stand indicates if it wasn't this, at some point would be something else. She didn't seem to have much interest in discussion or compromise... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 OP: I think you’ve totally put your Natalie on a pedestal! Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 Not sure. Don’t psychologists say fireworks are a sure sign the person is not right for you? That we feel the strongest and most incredible chemistry with people who are wrong for us? That slow burn and getting to know someone and have them grow on you over time is best for long term? Haha, not sure if these psychologists are right. I should edit: maybe not really fireworks and butterflies in the stomach, but rather sparks and chemistry. And these aren't downgrades imo. Fireworks/butterflies actually uncomfortable. You gotta at least have a spark to start a slow burn. I've never dated anyone I'm not attracted to, so I don't know if the person would have grown on me. There are people who get into relationships with people they're not attracted to, just to not be alone. That's settling. With the man that was right for me, in my best relationship, there was a lot of chemistry from the beginning. But there was no anxiety and no wild mad love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brigit87 Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 I started off as "just friends" with the woman I've been happily married to for 30+ years. There were no initial fireworks or "she's the one" feelings, just someone I gradually discovered I looked forward to spending time with and who's company I enjoyed. I also got to see how she treated other people, how she handled life's challenges and what her goals were. I heard my husbands voice on the phone before I ever met him and I thought "This is the kind of guy I like to talk to." When I met him I did find him very attractive but not in that OMG fireworks kind of way but in a "forever" kind of way. He was someone I knew i could spend my life with somehow. I think that "forever" feeling is more important than fireworks. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 While I won't weigh in on "specialness", I will say her arbitrary stand indicates if it wasn't this, at some point would be something else. She didn't seem to have much interest in discussion or compromise... Mr. Lucky Who really wants to discuss or compromise on deal-breakers? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 Not sure. Don’t psychologists say fireworks are a sure sign the person is not right for you? That we feel the strongest and most incredible chemistry with people who are wrong for us? That slow burn and getting to know someone and have them grow on you over time is best for long term? (Playing devils advocate, I am not sold on either theory - actually I always thought chemistry and butterflies were the most important thing when you meet someone but I’m trying to rethink things. My sister said she didn’t feel her husband was the passion of her life when she met him. They’ve been together for 30+ years and are the happiest couple I know. ls that really what they say is it ? Wow l mean if that's really the best way for a lasting real thing , that would totally turn everything l've always thought , on it's head, Very interesting. But in a way it makes sense. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 While I won't weigh in on "specialness", I will say her arbitrary stand indicates if it wasn't this, at some point would be something else. She didn't seem to have much interest in discussion or compromise... Mr. Lucky Yeah l've thought the exact same thing. ln the end you probably would've found it's her way or the hwy on lots of other things to nos. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 Who really wants to discuss or compromise on deal-breakers? Well put. And some people seem to have a lot of deal-breakers... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author nospam99 Posted February 5, 2019 Author Share Posted February 5, 2019 [sigh] Topically, this post really belongs in my PRC thread about 'that woman' (lost love, unicorn, Natalie). But I'll post it here since THIS thread has diverted a bit to focus on that relationship (along with 'wait or settle' and 'women's attitudes about masturbation'). I'm a 'hopeless romantic'. It's a big part of my personality. What got 'us' together in the beginning was that she is a hopeless romantic, too. There are relationships that people have in life that mark them permanently. I've had a few. This was the most recent one. For the time we were together, those times were full of fun, hopeful anticipation, and, just maybe, developing love. Would she have eventually found some other reason to break up, as some have suggested? Maybe. Have I put her on a pedestal, as others have suggested? Guilty as charged. Nevertheless, this hopeless romantic has 'always' (at least since puberty LOL) had an often unattainable 'primary crush', originally one high school cheerleader or another, later in life some woman, of whom I expect my dying thoughts (NO hurry to get THERE) will be. This one is currently holding that slot. It would be very nice to displace her with someone else. Until then ... well, other than going to speed-dating next week, I don't really have any specific alternate plans. As she said, 'life is never boring'. Link to post Share on other sites
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