Being rejected - low self esteem

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you are obviously an intelligent woman. But you are not making smart choices about your heart and well-being.

 

I sincerely hope you didn't follow through on meeting him. You know what his deal is; you know he is in love with his ex and that he doesn't want to keep dating you. You know he triggers your insecurities in a significant way.

 

Stop worrying about proving yourself to him. He is just going about his life, clearly still pining for his ex, and sometimes seeing you or having sex when it's convenient for him. He's not emotionally attached to you. He isn't contacting you for the reasons you hope.

 

Take some of that brain-power and problem-solving ability and start applying to to your personal life. Weed out the poor investments, starting with him.

[pc31]

 

I sincerely hope you didn't follow through on meeting him.

 

You know what, HE canceled the meeting with me!! He claimed that he got sick. Who the **** cares if he got sick. My reality is that HE canceled with me, 2x now, for the same meeting. The first time he canceled, he said that meeting time was too late and he got tired.

 

I've had enough of this ****. I replied, saying that: "I see. Rest well. Since you aren't putting in any effort, there's no need to have any future meeting. Take care".

 

Then he texted back, saying That's not what he meant and he just got sick.

 

I don't bother to reply to that **** anymore. I deleted his number (for the 3rd time now, btw, but he kept coming back). And this time it will be for good. I can't deal with this hot and cold ****. I have better things to do with my life.

[pc31]

You've got to learn to get back in the saddle. You only dated for six weeks. That was too soon for you to start pressuring for a serious relationship. Especially since you know all this other stuff going on with him!

 

If you read my post carefully, you will know that we've been dating for almost 4 months now. It is definitely not to soon to demand clarity in the direction of the relationship. Anyway I am so done. I don't care whatever **** he goes through. My time is way more too valuable to deal with this back and forth, hot and cold stuff.

[pc31]

So after me blowing up on him over text for postponing the date, he hasn't contacted me for 2 days now. Some of my friends said I over-reacted because he did say he was sick and he did suggest another meeting time...

 

I went back to the dating site yesterday and managed to find for myself a new date for Valentines Day, which is in a few days. It was fast and easy to find a date. The date seems nice, so far.

 

But honestly, I have no enthusiasm about the date. I miss the guy that I was dating (Gosh I can't even say he was my ex, even though we dated for 4 months. It is so pathetic). I'd rather spend Valentines with him; I know we will have so much fun because we always had fun when we hanged out. It was when we did not hang out that I didn't hear much from him and went crazy...

 

Now I'm considering writing to apologize... When he mentioned his ex stuff to me because he wanted to share his stories with me, I reacted so badly about it; and then when he said he was sick, I only focused on the canceled date and wasn't considerate towards his health.

 

How could I be so heartless and abandon him after him opening up and being vulnerable with me? How could I abandon him when he was sick? He probably doesn't find abandonment attractive...

 

Gosh, someone please talk me out of contacting him. Or really, should I check on him and make sure he is ok? I feel like we need to talk F2F somehow. We (or I) did all of this over text messages... Decent people would break up in person, and not over texts.

 

ARGH. What should I do?

Edited February 13, 2019 by pc31

[pc31]

No one has any advice? I am still feeling guilty today :/ Valentines Day is tomorrow.. I miss him

[Redhead14]

No one has any advice? I am still feeling guilty today :/ Valentines Day is tomorrow.. I miss him

 

 

My advice remains the same as it was on the first page of this thread plus the last paragraph:

 

I wouldn't allow anything a guy says or does that I've only known for three months to affect me the way it's affecting you. He doesn't deserve to have that kind of power over you.

 

And, you know what's worse than wasting 3 months of your life? -- Wasting 3 months and 1 day. Don't waste another day, even one more minute, fretting over this one.

 

Go out and have some fun with a couple of friends. Go out and buy yourself something you've always wanted (but don't go on a crazy spending spree), just something nice you want. Kick yourself in the rear end and get a grip. This was not an epic love story. He's just a guy you dated for 3 months and wasn't on the same page as you. Block, delete, forget.

[spiderowl]

He told you he didn't see a future with you for various reasons. He has ruled himself out of anything serious. If you want something serious, do not spend any more time or emotion on him.

 

Whatever reasons he gave for it breaking up are not important. They are about his perceptions of whatever, not about how you are. There is a huge difference. Another guy could just as easily have been in awe of you for having done the jobs you have and for taking an opportunity to undertake further study. If this guy cannot show you how proud he is of you, he does not deserve you.

 

Not being over an ex is a classic excuse. It is a way of saying he is not emotionally involved with you. There may or may not be an ex in the picture but the lack of emotional involvement is key. He has been enjoying your company without commitment and emotional involvement. He has enjoyed your friendship, affection and attention. He did not intend to get involved, which is why he was erratic with responses. He was showing a casual approach to the whole thing whilst taking what he could in the way of your affection.

 

I am not saying the above to be negative or to make you feel bad about what you have shared with him. In fact, at the moment, this guy is going to miss you. He is probably panicking like hell that any approach he takes towards you is going to be interpreted as 'commitment' and yet, at some level he will be missing you.

 

It would not be wise to hold out hope of this guy, but if you truly want to find out where his feelings lie, keep away from him. Do not lash out or be angry with him, just don't engage. Leave him to work out his own feelings. If he does come to the conclusion he really misses you and he wants you, he will let you know, but do not permit anything fuzzy. Let him arrange things. Let him plan and make all the effort. If you give him any of your time, keep it brief and pleasant but not intimate. Let this guy have to fight for you!

 

You deserve better than what he has been offering in terms of respect and commitment so far. Now is where you set standards and let him work it all out emotionally. You have only been dating for a few months, but have been intimate and shared a lot. It is enough for him to feel close and to become attached to you. My feeling is he panicked at the thought of commitment because that wasn't his 'plan'. Now he has to work out whether he really has become bonded with you or not. Leave him to sort it out and keep a dignified distance until he gives you an absolutely clear sign he has changed his mind about things.

 

Of course he may not change his mind, but, regardless, what he was offering you in terms of respect and commitment was not good enough. Remember that - what he was offering was not good enough. It is a bit different to assuming that you were not good enough in some way. You have a lot to be proud of, including the capacity to love and care for someone. However things work out, you were genuine.

[pc31]

I love your answer so much! I've bookmarked it.

 

He texted me yesterday. And then again today morning. He sent a photo of himself lying on his bed, being sick. It broke my heart a little that he's doing all of this NOW. I don't know... I think I've emotionally checked out. I wish he had done this last week or even a few days ago.

 

I replied with 'Take care. Hope you feel better soon.' and left it at that. He texted something else. I'm not replying. I've arranged a date with a different guy tonight, for Valentine's Day. All this attention from him arrived just a little bit too late... It is so unfortunate.

Edited February 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact quote of prior post and fix spacing

[stillafool]

Good for you but none of this changes what he's already told you. He does not see a future with you and he is not over his ex. Do you want to stay in pain?

[pc31]

The guy and I dated for 4 months non exclusively. We slept together a few times. We are both in our early 30s. As I started falling for him, he started to pull away. I did the whole chasing thing for about 3 weeks and then I got tired and I told him, look, i wanted to get to know you properly, but because of what you are doing (no phone call, sporadic text messages), i started to lose interest. I asked him if that was what he wanted (me losing interest)? And he said that was a good question, he was thinking about it. Then he didnt say any concrete answer. That was 2 weeks ago. No text, no call, again. Then recently he started liking my instagram posts again. I noticed he changed his instagram picture and uploaded a new picture of him going on business trip. I didnt like them back.

 

My question is, why doesnt he text me when he's clearly still reacting to my social media? At the moment i'm not doing anything back at him, but I would like for him to talk to me and ask me out, just like before. How do i do that??

 

It breaks my heart that he is acting so childish. Do you think I should also block him on instagram? At the moment he knows im not following him. But he is following me.

Edited March 2, 2019 by pc31

[Lenmi]

Sounds like you are more interested in his attention than him. Sorry but you are obsessing. You wrote here it is too late when he came to you, then you change your mind and keep obsessing about something he does on Instagram, trying to find meaning. There is NO meaning. Is he bothering you on Instagram? Remove him. Is he bothering you on text? STOP answering him! You are no better by doing so. Having a relationship with somebody is a two-way street, it's rarely the fault of one person. Both of you are just triggering eachother and you are no better at this than he is, from what you are telling.

 

Do yourself a HUGE favor, remove him everywhere. It's over, what are you doing wanting to talk to him?? I mean, you told him exactly what you want and he told you where he is at, you are colliding and that's that. I know what it is like to be with someone that makes you feel so great, you hang out and it's all so wonderful... but there is much more to love than this. Sometimes the timing is off. It sounds like you met him at a time when he is not ready to be with someone new since he is hung up on his ex. After him telling you this, everything else you do hereby, is honestly on you. If you keep being in contact and he hurts you, you are also at fault, since he made things clear.

 

Now all you should do is distract yourself with other things in your life. There will be other guys and you know it. It's not gonna be easy if you really liked him, but it will get better with time. If he writes saying he wants you then great, if not then atleast you have been trying to move on. Don't obsess, don't write, don't wait. Just focus on your life, he is NOT part of it, he doesn't want to be.

[Blanco]

You're giving this guy far too much space in your head relative to what you had and for how little time you had it. I know that's not helpful, but surely you see in your lucid moments how silly it is to fixate on the behavior of someone who was always non-committal.