Redhead14 Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 My objection is exactly what you posted, I am not a 13 year old and this not the mideast. Agaihe says I have to wear shorts with a one piece. I think he's actually compromising here to some degree himself. If he were so jealous and insecure as to actually believe that you might cheat with this guy or someone else in the club, he'd ask you to quit the snorkeling club. So on some level he's realizing that his jealousy is somewhat out of line yet . . .he feels some jealousy. It's a small thing to get a one-piece suit to assuage his concern . . . rather than escalate things. If it were the other way around and you were feeling jealous but a minor "adjustment" would help you feel better, you'd want him to do that for you, yes??? Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 we nearly all think you should try to please your husband, so why don't you want to wear shorts and a one-piece? I want to understand you OP, so just say... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 (edited) we nearly all think you should try to please your husband, so why don't you want to wear shorts and a one-piece? I want to understand you OP, so just say... Thread starters often come here hoping to get that "one" response that supports what they want to hear/happen and use that to validate their position. They will receive 10 responses telling them something else. That is akin to going to 10 doctors until you get the diagnosis you want rather than the correct one . . . However, her original question is: "Should my husband be jealous". The answer is that he really cannot control how he feels. He does seem to be attempting manage it and not be controlled by that emotion entirely by asking for a minimal accommodation to help him feel better. As I said earlier, he isn't asking her to quit the snorkeling club, just change her swimwear choice. Edited February 3, 2019 by Redhead14 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 It's a small thing to get a one-piece suit to assuage his concern . . . She already suggested the onepiece but then he came up with the other stipulations... Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 She already suggested the onepiece but then he came up with the other stipulations... OK, I went back and found this: "So here is the compromise: No bikini No one piece that shows any cleavage No going unless a female goes along Wear shorts with modest one piece He will be checking the facebook post to make sure Sounds more like bullying. I have noticed some yellow flags before but this is the most blatant." Now, I'm am thinking that this is not about jealousy and wearing a bikini. It seems there is a much larger issue here. She is talking about a topic rather than the real issue in the marriage which appears to be that this man is controlling and a bully. OP, how long have you been married and how long did you know him before you married him? And what had your dating history been like? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 Redhead, There is most definitely a bigger issue. My problem and what I get stuck on is her husband was fine with it for a year then boom it changed. Something was the catalyst for that change and that is where she is being evasive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 we nearly all think you should try to please your husband, so why don't you want to wear shorts and a one-piece? I want to understand you OP, so just say... When she said OK to not wearing a bikini the husband added conditions: 1. She also had to wear shorts 2. Another woman had to attend with her and 3. He was going to scour the social media to make sure she complied with # 1 & 2. That is where this went off the rails. Beccawife32 was willing to compromise on the style of bathing suite but when she gave an inch, her husband tried to take a mile. There is a world of difference between "Honey I know how men think so I'd rather you didn't wear a bikini around a bunch of horney guys if I'm not there" and "You will dress & behave a certain way & I trust you so little that I require you to have a chaperone & I will cyber stalk you to ensure compliance." Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 The yellow flags have turned Red. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 (edited) Redhead, There is most definitely a bigger issue. My problem and what I get stuck on is her husband was fine with it for a year then boom it changed. Something was the catalyst for that change and that is where she is being evasive. I am leaning toward agreeing with that because she opened with the topic rather than talking about the yellow flags she had observed in the past. Either she is in denial about being in a marriage with a man she knew was a control freak or she is skirting the fact that he may, in fact, have good reason to be reacting the way he is in this situation . . . I think we need to know some history. I asked her for some. There is also another "phenomenon" that sometimes occurs . . . a spouse who themselves is cheating sort of projects on to the partner and becomes suspicious of their activities and/or looks for reasons to sabotage the relationship and find fault with that partner to give themselves an out which could be an explanation for a sudden change. Edited February 3, 2019 by Redhead14 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 suppose there is a guy who fancies the OP? bikini-ready, her taut wet torso, her cleavage, her legs slowly flexing as she swims... there are moments of mild erotica... you see it all the time in films of underwater diving Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 Donnivain, I'm not sold on her willingness to compromise. The comments about her not being a 13 year old and it not being the midwest supports her unwillingness. That makes it sound like she is in fact not willing to compromise. Her evasiveness, to me, speaks volumes. All she has been willing to say is I didn't cheat. Inappropriate behavior is not limited to cheating, not to mention alot of people dont see flirty behavior as cheating, or inappropriate texting. Example, some time ago we had a lady who went on a cruise with her girlfriend and her behavior was horrible, but she didn't have sex with anyone. She did however flirt heavily and sometime after the trip her husband saw pictures of men groping her and her returning the act. in her mind that wasn't cheating. Some will say it was, most will say its behavior that a married person shouldn't engage. Without clarity, all we can do is speculate. No way we can say he is jealous and controlling based on her limited information and evasiveness. In fact, it kinda forces one to lean the other way and suggest he has just cause to be concerned. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 Like Nancy Pelosi, she needs to learn how to negotiate. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 I was responding to the comment that she should wear a one piece because "Your husband knows how horny guys are and how some will take advantage of an opportunity, even if you don't want them to". If a horny man takes advantage of an opportunity even if the woman doesn't want him to, then we're talking sexual assault or rape. After all, her not wanting him to means consent was not there. I don't believe for one minute that a demure one piece will render her safe. After all, women in full tracksuits out for a run can be taken by a horny guy when she doesn't want them to. Whatever, it is still a straw man for a dramatic effect....either way it is irrelevant to the conversation at hand. Life is vexing enough as it is, most people will not consider abstract hypothetical arguments, which you have brought up. OP, we await with baited breath for the rest of the details you have omitted. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 ^ As far as all this side conversation goes, you have to accept that fact that a minority of men seem to think that if a woman has boobs and is showing them to him/them, it means she likes them sexually. It's the exception, not the rule, thank the lord, but they are out there. And her husband knows this. Has he gone too far being controlling, don't know without knowing what the rest of the relationship has been like, but is something this easily solved the hill she wants to die on? Is it rational given that the same situation in reverse (him spending regular time out alone with a group of women in bikinis) would not set well with, I'd estimate, 90% of the female population -- and that's without the threat of something getting out of hand and being dangerous. To me, it's a common sense thing. It's too easily solved and the solution wouldn't affect the activity. My guess is she is maybe real involved posting bikini or other revealing photos of herself online and that this is also a facet the husband doesn't agree with, depending how private the accounts are. I mean, do any of you women want your man online posting pictures of his barely concealed junk? What is the motive for doing that? That's the root of the problem, I bet. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 Preraph, I agree this issue has an easy solution. OP is being very evasive in responding and appears to be looking for someone to co-sign the controlling angle. We just dont have enough. Which leads to why not? Why is she not saying why he all of a sudden has a problem after a year of being ok with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 Why is she not saying why he all of a sudden has a problem after a year of being ok with it. I think she said it is because all (or most) of the other women have dropped out of the group. It's highly possible that the whole situation has triggered something within him that he himself never even knew he had. He is responsible for dealing with that. I don't particularly agree with OP's stance and hard line about it; but someone else's insecurities and jealous tendencies are also not on her to fix, all by herself. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 Maybe Ronni, I just get the impression that she knows exactly what his issues are. The not a 13 year old girl show defiance, well, like a 13 year old girl. She doesn't want to compromise but feels she needs to, why? It's too easy to just do the norm on the site and chalk it up to male control or other people's insecurities not being her problem. If you've caused them it's your problem, that is if you want to stay married. Usually when one is caught doing something inappropriate there is somethings that need to be sacrificed to recover or balance the scale. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 If the OP had a controlling husband this tale would be one example, not the lead story. A husband still in denial about his suspicions will, at first glance appear to be controlling. It is way beyond the pale to assert the husband is "controlling" solely on the basis of a single anecdote. I think if the OP were to dive deeper and answer the questions posed, we'd find the bottom is quite muddy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chaparral Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 If he was a controlling bully would she have joined the group in the first place? Would he have been ok with it? He saw the picture and everything changed. Why? Most of the women quit. Frankly, I don’t see any difference in this and married people going out to clubs and partying without their spouse. How long does it take to finish the class? It sounds more like a social club. Were they drinking in the picture? Do they socialize after the class? I would not have been happy with this from the get go. Given that one out of three people cheat or will cheat how many of the men in the group are looking to get laid? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 Still apples and oranges...would I be uncomfortable if he hung out with with bikini clad women yes...but most 40+ Do not wear bikini and the guys in the group do not wear Speedos. So if he wears a Speedo around older woman in skirt swimsuits and 2 of them which are grandmothers, fine with me. Really, most of the men in your group would do you in a heartbeat. Would you be alright if your husband was with a group of women your own age in two piece. Just hanging out snorkeling with him the only guy. Men don’t always go for older women but older men go for younger women all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 I has nothing to do with your husband being insecure but everything about you the only female hanging out with a bunch of men half naked. Still never answered my question. Has any of these guys changed in front of you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vinnyfl Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 Married for 46 years here and always had a policy of not doing anything that the other was not comfortable with. This mean no going out with the guys and girls to bars/clubs or other places people go to meet the opposite gender. Having had an ex fiancé and ex girlfriend cheat on me with friends that they hung out with when I was not around, I do not trust men at all. They will try to have sex with any female that they can and over time they become confidants of married women and take their sides in arguments and then emotions come into play and that is when we make bad decisions. When your best friend and a then a very good friend has sex with your fiancé or girlfriend, you wise up. I have had wives of two of my friends hit on me when their husbands were not around. I used to sell insurance door to door and during the day I came across a lot of married women who were horny and would pretend to be interested just to get me inside their houses. I was very young so it was creepy to be hit on by 30-40 year old married women. I personally would not be comfortable with my wife hanging out in a bikini with a group of guys no matter who they were. If she is that interested in her hobby, have her find another group to join that is mixed. And you do not have too wear a bikini. You can wear a one piece so that part is BS and probably because she likes the attention. When my wife went swimming with her friends she wore a one piece. With me she wore bikinis or even went to nude beaches with us. We are no prudes, heck read my bio because we were not even strictly monogamous, and yet we were well aware of the dangers of when men and women mix in situations where there may be sexual arousal like a girl in a bikini. Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 (edited) When I read the first post, the thought occurred to me that the husband may have been triggered by something he is not telling the wife. Perhaps he was in the checkout line at the local Wally World and he was standing behind two guys he recognized from the wife's face book photos, and they were commenting on the great looking 40 year old who always wears the bikini at the swim meet, and how sexy she is, always reaching behind to pull the bottoms out of her azz crack, and how they would like to 'help her out' by lending her a 6 inch finger while she was doing it... Yep. That would do it for me. The fact that the OP is almost throwing a tantrum because she isn't getting the responses she wants to hear is also telling... lets face it, there are lots of ego kibbles involved for an older woman to see how stiff she can make a bunch of younger guys, without outright doing a strip tease... I think there is definitely a lot of information the OP is NOT telling us, probably because it wont make her seem sympathetic. Edited February 10, 2019 by Poutrew 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 I am not the modest type - and I still wear a bikini at almost 60 years old - but I have a young body... But if I were wearing fins and spreading my legs apart in the water to move along (as you do while swimming underwater with fins on) I would wear shorts with a bikini top. The shorts keep other men from a full crotch view while spreading your legs to kick... While I’ll never agree with controlling behavior in any union - I think your husband MAY have a valid point about shorts - but the rest is over the top... why doesn’t HE go with you? If he wants to see what’s happening and he’s worried - he should make effort to join you. Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 (edited) Seems the thread starter hasn't been around in a while so we'll close this up till they return, if they would like it re-opened when they return just alert on my post and we will do so, thanks Edited February 11, 2019 by Robert Link to post Share on other sites
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