littleblackheart Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 Perhaps there is a reason I view them the way I do. Well yes, perhaps there is, though you're making it sound like a mystery. Maybe whoever you spoke to weren't a good match for you? You don't seem to have any problems talking here, to a bunch of unqualified (at least most of us) random people. 1
Normm Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 You don't seem to have any problems talking here, to a bunch of unqualified (at least most of us) random people. Nobody's talking here. 1
littleblackheart Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 (edited) I meant communicating but yes, fair point. We're still random strangers, though - maybe OP would benefit from actual professionals? Edited February 4, 2019 by littleblackheart
Normm Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 maybe OP would benefit from actual professionals? He's made it clear that therapists and dating coaches are out of the question.
littleblackheart Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 He's made it clear that therapists and dating coaches are out of the question. Well yes, but he's also made it clear that he has no self-confidence and that he is struggling with coping with his feelings of loneliness. I know LS is full of wisdom and greatness, but it can only do so much. These are, imo, serious and long-standing issues that are a bit beyond the scope of LS. 2
Normm Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 Well yes, but he's also made it clear that he has no self-confidence and that he is struggling with coping with his feelings of loneliness. I know LS is full of wisdom and greatness, but it can only do so much. These are, imo, serious and long-standing issues that are a bit beyond the scope of LS. All true of course, but unfortunately for him, posting here and asking for advice that he will never use is clearly going to be his only choice of action. 3
Orokotikki Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 Look, I believe he has explained it before - the problem is everyone else - so cut him some slack. ;-) 8
edgygirl Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 Exactly. It can take years to find a good one, but it's worth it - specially when nothing else seems to be helping ZA. I also had a lame therapist 10 years ago - she told me I had no issues to "diagnose". Looking back I realize she just wasn't specialized in the specific issue I now think I probably have. Maybe whoever you spoke to weren't a good match for you? Bingo. They say the people who need it the most are against therapy. When I said it's a science, I meant it's proven scientifically that the right therapy will do wonders for someone who's struggling. Not all types of therapy are the right ones for everyone. It takes time and patience to find something that works. I know LS is full of wisdom and greatness, but it can only do so much. These are, imo, serious and long-standing issues that are a bit beyond the scope of LS. 1
Author ZA Dater Posted February 5, 2019 Author Posted February 5, 2019 Exactly. It can take years to find a good one, but it's worth it - specially when nothing else seems to be helping ZA. I also had a lame therapist 10 years ago - she told me I had no issues to "diagnose". Looking back I realize she just wasn't specialized in the specific issue I now think I probably have. Bingo. They say the people who need it the most are against therapy. When I said it's a science, I meant it's proven scientifically that the right therapy will do wonders for someone who's struggling. Not all types of therapy are the right ones for everyone. It takes time and patience to find something that works. Ok so I'll make this very clear. Someone said its science, its clearly isn't if you can ask 5 so called professionals and get 5 different answers, where is the science in that, there isn't any. All these people do is make money sitting listening to others and then trying to pigeon hole those people into what they may or may not be. Granted you can have fairly useless conversation with these so called professionals, mostly it revolves around on their idea for your life, gleaned after never walking in your shoes. I can think of much better ways to waste money than this. Its not a help issue, I have been the pity project often enough to know that help and help are two different things and in most respects this hasn't been a lot different to the so called scientists, both think they know what I want/need without actually asking me what I want/need. So yes, its a fantastic notion to say "she is amazing you must date her" a non thinking person would jump right in irrespective if the analytics were poor. I have done this and without fail its been a complete disaster every time. My point is this, you cant ignore the underlining factors, I cant say ok I'll date someone who loves trance parties, why because I don't so already there is a fundamental that doesn't work, unless I am prepared to fake that I like them which doesn't give much of an upside in the long run. To my eyes all most of dating is, is guy faking things they like in order to get the girl, the level of this varies significantly but honestly the more I look around, the more I observe the clearer this is. Its frankly pathetic me, if that is what's required I am wholly uninterested.
Author ZA Dater Posted February 5, 2019 Author Posted February 5, 2019 Well yes, but he's also made it clear that he has no self-confidence and that he is struggling with coping with his feelings of loneliness. I know LS is full of wisdom and greatness, but it can only do so much. These are, imo, serious and long-standing issues that are a bit beyond the scope of LS. The upside to those people, firstly dating coaches are the biggest of BS yet devised by modern society, mind me a dating coach in 1975. You know what I'd even humour one of these if they trotted out and entire CV, I threw them into a club, pointed a lady and he could pick her up and go on 5 dates with her, then I'd be impressed. Again there whole rhetoric is designed for money making, designed for repeated visits, so one dimensional its a one size fits all solution, except it isn't. How do I know this, funnily I read a few blogs etc. from dating coaches and it was the biggest bunch of mumbo jumbo, I went one further and actually communicated with one and no surprise the one size fits all solution was trotted out. Yes, I might be alone and hate that fact, I might resort to burying myself in work to find some sort of purpose, I even tried yoga though how much of that was due to the 5.3 tall athletic yoga teacher I don't know. The bottom line is neither of those so called professionals are going to make me feel any less lonely. In some respects I understand why people go to trance parties, its one of the few places where you can actually meet people, I cannot think of any other places really. The help I need is for someone one day to actually like me, maybe mutual attraction would be nice for the change.
MaleIntuition Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 Ok so I'll make this very clear. Someone said its science, its clearly isn't if you can ask 5 so called professionals and get 5 different answers, where is the science in that, there isn't any. All these people do is make money sitting listening to others and then trying to pigeon hole those people into what they may or may not be. Granted you can have fairly useless conversation with these so called professionals, mostly it revolves around on their idea for your life, gleaned after never walking in your shoes. I can think of much better ways to waste money than this. Its not a help issue, I have been the pity project often enough to know that help and help are two different things and in most respects this hasn't been a lot different to the so called scientists, both think they know what I want/need without actually asking me what I want/need. So yes, its a fantastic notion to say "she is amazing you must date her" a non thinking person would jump right in irrespective if the analytics were poor. I have done this and without fail its been a complete disaster every time. My point is this, you cant ignore the underlining factors, I cant say ok I'll date someone who loves trance parties, why because I don't so already there is a fundamental that doesn't work, unless I am prepared to fake that I like them which doesn't give much of an upside in the long run. To my eyes all most of dating is, is guy faking things they like in order to get the girl, the level of this varies significantly but honestly the more I look around, the more I observe the clearer this is. Its frankly pathetic me, if that is what's required I am wholly uninterested. Your opinion is definitely not science. Here is one meta analysis which says that yes therapy is an effective method for threatment: https://s3.amazonaws.com/academia.edu.documents/3073802/Smith-Glass-77-Am_Psych.pdf?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAIWOWYYGZ2Y53UL3A&Expires=1549353243&Signature=%2F%2BjlTUYj9clgc7P266HceLUw4%2Fg%3D&response-content-disposition=inline%3B%20filename%3DMeta-Analysis_of_Psychotherapy_Outcome_S.pdf Consider moving to another country then? Who the heck goes to trance parties anymore?
Author ZA Dater Posted February 5, 2019 Author Posted February 5, 2019 Who the heck goes to trance parties anymore? A lot of people seemingly.
littleblackheart Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 The help I need is for someone one day to actually like me, maybe mutual attraction would be nice for the change. I'm with you on the dating coach thing to some extent, though I know some of them can be a valid souce of info. The help you need (I'm saying this as gently and with as much empathy as possible) is find coping strategies so you can deal better with your need to find a compatible someone, your feelings of loneliness and helplessness. You won't be getting any fresh advice here, some 3 years on. LS is good as an outlet and a superficial degree of support. Don't underestimate or dismiss what therapy can do for you. Please give it serious consideration, and an honest try.
Author ZA Dater Posted February 5, 2019 Author Posted February 5, 2019 I'm with you on the dating coach thing to some extent, though I know some of them can be a valid souce of info. Please give it serious consideration, and an honest try. I am now told by a friend I should friend zone the yoga instructor and while I wasn't that keen on this, maybe I can get some sort of balance out of it, as they say a bit of something great is better than a lot of something that isn't.
littleblackheart Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 I am now told by a friend I should friend zone the yoga instructor. Do you not have enough 'friendzoned' female friends? I sincerely feel you need more than random advice here and there. You need to consider the bigger scale of your issues, and look into letting it all out by talking to a professional.
elaine567 Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 I am now told by a friend I should friend zone the yoga instructor and while I wasn't that keen on this, maybe I can get some sort of balance out of it, as they say a bit of something great is better than a lot of something that isn't. Why? So you can mop up after her new bf, when he fails to come up to scratch? Ferry her about and be at the end of the phone when she is at a loose end? Spend your hard earned cash on her yoga classes... Few want a bf with lots of female friends, some want a bf with NO close female friends, so accumulating these "no-hopers" is a waste of your time and will likely put off anyone who is actually interested in you. BTW The yoga instructor will be an accomplished service provider. It is her job to be nice to people, put them at ease, have fun and make them feel special, that way she gets clients, keeps clients and by word of mouth gets more clients. There is nothing wrong with all that and perhaps a service provider is the person you need to take you out of your shell, but you need one who is interested in YOU, not one whose heart is set on a guy in a 5 million dollar apartment.
Juha Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 I am now told by a friend I should friend zone the yoga instructor and while I wasn't that keen on this, maybe I can get some sort of balance out of it, as they say a bit of something great is better than a lot of something that isn't. If she is not interested in you romantically, you should give her goodbye. Don't keep this woman in your life, she offers nothing for you You are interested in dating her, not being her friend... Dump her from your life, tell her you are interested in dating her, if she is not interested then wish her the best, delete her and move on Don't accept situations you do not want I wish you the best
brigit87 Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 Spend your hard earned cash on her yoga classes... I don't think him spending money on yoga classes is a bad idea. Maybe he should do this for a couple of months and get into really good shape.
elaine567 Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 I don't think him spending money on yoga classes is a bad idea. Maybe he should do this for a couple of months and get into really good shape. He is probably in pretty good shape already, he is no couch potato.
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