ZA Dater Posted January 29, 2019 Share Posted January 29, 2019 It seems to me dating is more bad than good, it all starts out good but ultimately for me just goes bad. When someone says to me "cool lets meet up tomorrow, I'll let you know what time" and then you hear nothing. A few things become clear 1: the person isn't that enthusiastic 2: the person is most probably using you. I had some great interactions with this person but there was nothing showing any sort of romantic interest. Maybe I am just being stupid but again it seems to me its a case of someone with lots of interest who can choose, why choose me? Or I am going to be friend zoned again, which does not interest me. Do I reach out or just move on? More inclined to just move on to whatever, perhaps I just liked the idea of actually going out with someone I liked. Suppose I did have some nice interactions and stupidly believed I could date someone like this. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 29, 2019 Share Posted January 29, 2019 In what way do you think you were used? Did you have sex with that person? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 29, 2019 Share Posted January 29, 2019 Everyone keeps saying they are being used. You go out, you pay, they say yes to another date to give you the benefit of a doubt or they are not sure, then they decide no. That isn't being used. Just like a woman dates a guy for a few months, have sex, etc, and the guy decides no. He gave it a shot, the sex wasn't great or just wasn't feeling it. That's not being used. Dating is a test to see if there is potential, but you take your chances. One may not see said potential but the other does...oh well them the breaks. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted January 29, 2019 Share Posted January 29, 2019 When someone says to me "cool lets meet up tomorrow, I'll let you know what time" and then you hear nothing. This is just not cool. I don't care if she's some supermodel. Do people not have manners anymore? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lurker74 Posted January 29, 2019 Share Posted January 29, 2019 ZA, don't do that. One piece of advice I always give men is that for the first date, you find out what day works best and then YOU pick the date and the location. You are proactive and therefore you are deemed more attractive. If she can't commit to a day, she's not into you and you can back off and wait for when and if she reaches back out to you. If she cannot commit to a time and day then you are likely being back burnered. You have to believe that you're better than that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 ZA, don't do that. One piece of advice I always give men is that for the first date, you find out what day works best and then YOU pick the date and the location. You are proactive and therefore you are deemed more attractive. If she can't commit to a day, she's not into you and you can back off and wait for when and if she reaches back out to you. If she cannot commit to a time and day then you are likely being back burnered. You have to believe that you're better than that. I agree with this. When I initially read the thread, I thought the OP was female. Dude, don’t ever step back and wait for a woman to contact you or make plans - that just screams passive. I remember my ex telling me once that he would give his phone number to women for them to call him. Not surprising, he got no takers. This girl you went out with is probably wondering why you never contacted her for another date. She might be on this site asking about the guy she never heard from. ? Pick. Up. The. Phone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 I agree with this. When I initially read the thread, I thought the OP was female. Dude, don’t ever step back and wait for a woman to contact you or make plans - that just screams passive. I remember my ex telling me once that he would give his phone number to women for them to call him. Not surprising, he got no takers. This girl you went out with is probably wondering why you never contacted her for another date. She might be on this site asking about the guy she never heard from. ? Pick. Up. The. Phone. definitely good advice from bathtub-row 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 A lot of us simply aren't good on our feet--not able to express what we're feeling in the moment. Dates are a particular challenge for many people because often the date is fine. You like the other person. You find them good lookin' enough! ... friendly enough ... warm enough ... they're not criminals ... and in saying goodbye, it's so easy to go on automatic and express an interest in seeing them again--when in fact, you don't really want to see them again. What's been helpful for me (on both sides of this vagueness) is to realize that if a date isn't amazingly fantastic, then likely we're not going to see each other again .. A merely pleasant date is usually going nowhere. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 .. A merely pleasant date is usually going nowhere. I don't agree. A pleasant date can lead to nothing or it can start of a grand romance. Depends on the two people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 Alpha, interesting such different perspectives. Overwhelmingly in my experience, and the experiences of my friends--men, women, 20s to 70s, a merely pleasant date led to nothing. I wasn't interested or they really weren't interested or we both weren't really interested. I've had pleasant dates lead to friendship, so maybe that's a qualifier. But if there's no oomph after the date that tells me I GOT TO SEE this person again, it doesn't happen. Or if they're interested, I somehow don't prioritize meeting them. There was just no forward momentum to set up another date, plan something fun, invest more time in the person. Heck often merely pleasant meetings with potential friends don't end up anywhere. Half the problems on this board are when people interpret a decent date for real potential. Just my two cents. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 Just my two cents. a "pleasant" date is much harder to find the older you get Link to post Share on other sites
DrNo1962 Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 This is just not cool. I don't care if she's some supermodel. Do people not have manners anymore? Would you set-up a meeting with a client and tell them "i'll let you know what time..." or even still, would you accept such a proposition if YOU were the client? It's less to do with manners/being used and more to do with boundaries. If you want my time set-it up now so I can check my availability otherwise I'll just assume you're unsure and make plans with others. Too many people accept vague proposals...that's the issue here. Link to post Share on other sites
ChatroomHero Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 Reading your other threads, it seems you cut and run at the first sign a woman is not all-in with you. It's not the movies, she doesn't see you and say, I will do anything and everything to be with that guy!In your other thread you had a nice time with a hot girl, she said she would confirm plans the next day or whatever, she didn't call, you gave up and assumed it meant no interest. Just the fact that when that happens, it is pre-determined that is how you will act, it makes you smell of desperation and defeatism. Without knowing it, even when you have a great time your body language, conversation and how you respond gives her subconscious clues that you are not confident and desperate and waiting for it to all come crashing down. What you are doing is not working. You think you are changing things up with makeovers, acting different, wearing polka dots... I believe you used to make a point in the other thread...the problem is your core. Your core comes through when you are having a good time while waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for the other shoe to drop comes through loud and clear without you knowing it. Maybe even without her seeing it directly, but she gets that "vibe". You are not different, you are acting different. Subconsciously you relay that. I'll put it bluntly...you have to go on a date like you have the biggest d*ck in the room, but not that you are the biggest d*ck in the room. You have to go into the date with the absolute resolution that you are going to have a good time on the date and if she doesn't call you, you are not hurt , it was fun but not meant to be. You have to be able to accept that, but you are not. Until you accept that in stride, you will not succeed. You had a great date and fun and it is what it is and all it is. You have to go in thinking, sure she is hot, but will I like her as a person and what does she offer to me and not, "Holy crap she is hot. How can I impress her regardless of what she offers? If she rejects me I'll be crushed because it reaffirms what I already knew, I am not good enough". You have to go in knowing if she says, "I'll call to confirm tomorrow", your response is along the lines of call me when you figure it out and I'll let you know if I am free, but I have things to do so it might not work for ME. If I don't answer I will call you next week... and not... "Ok. (If you call I'll be 2 feet from my phone at all times and ready to jump at any offer you make!!!)". I am not trying to be harsh but from your other posts I get the following: 1. Anything less than the girl being totally into you after one date, you take as a rejection. 2. You think you are above chasing a girl you are interested because you are afraid if you put it out there, she will reject you. So you put in minimal effort and cut bait at the first sign she MIGHT not be interested, even though you have no idea if she is interested. You are waiting for a girl that is hot and throwing herself at you. 3. I bet if someone tells you, call her Tuesday you say, "I gave her a chance, she blew me off. She is not interested" and give all the reasons why that person is wrong. In short you have all the answers of how it should happen and what it should take, but your posts say you have no answers...yet somehow know what the wrong answers are. 4. You think money or stature are the deciding factor of all beautiful women when deciding who they are attracted to. It's the hardest thing and the easiest thing sometimes to be/come across as confident. You'll hear people say you have to be confident but you'll claim you can't be confident when all you have ever known is rejection. It is easy to say, but you need to learn confidence. It's not confidence that you'll succeed, it's confidence that you are not afraid to fail. You are not afraid to have an amazing date and have the girl disappear, because hell, you had fun. It's not confidence that you are meeting "the one", but confidence you are on a date and having fun and tomorrow if you are rejected doesn't matter. You won't know if she is the one for moths, so if she rejects you, big deal. Sometimes it just clicks. You go to the bar with a lot of things from work on your mind and you are thinking you just want to have fun. You are in that mood where you are not worried about finding someone to love, you are there to have a blast. You do and say things and don't care about other's reactions. You focus on the right now and not the past and not tomorrow. And not rejection. And not if the really hot girl notices you. You are in the zone and people react to you differently.Sometimes it doesn't click. It's hard to determine how to make it click. All you can do is focus on the good and force yourself to ignore the bad. You had a date with a hot girl. That is what you remember. She didn't call, so every time you think about it and what it MIGHT mean, stop yourself and think about something else. It's like a defensive back in the NFL. You'll get burned for 3 TDs, it's going to happen despite your best efforts. If you think about it you'll get burned for a 4th TD. So you forget the 3 TDs and the next play say, "nobody can catch a ball on me, I will destroy them. I'm picking this next one off". If you want to learn confidence, take how you handle rejection today and throw it out the window. It's not working so don't try to defend it. Every time you try to defend your position about why XXX doesn't work and how YYY will logically result in rejection, punch yourself in the nuts and then reset and clear your mind.Like Seinfeld, if every instinct is wrong, do the opposite. The problem is, you will try to say why you aren't willing or able to do the opposite. As long as you stick to that line you will fail. You need to do the opposite of your defeatist attitude and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Either do it or don't, but trying to rationalize how it should work to just be you and keep doing everything how you do it is a waste of time. It's not about a make over or acting differently. It's about the confidence to get rejected worse than anyone ever in history, in the most embarrassing way you can think of, then laughing it off and looking at the guy next to you and saying, "Ouch. She was freaking hot though. Oh well. Is that girl sitting by you single?". Until you are able to do that, you will fail. It's counter-intuitive and goes against your survival instinct, but you just need to sack up and do it or stop lamenting why you fail. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted January 30, 2019 Author Share Posted January 30, 2019 @CHATROOMHERO Ok I have read through your advice. You tell me HOW you move forward when none of the experiences are positive? Its all good and well to say ok move on and find confidence, but how really when there are never any positive outcomes? On the face of it this was pretty much as good as it was going to get, she liked me for me BUT she is new to the city and I was basically the only person she knew, she it was me taking her around and ultimately I felt used because I was lead on by her. If she isn't into me, simply tell me, don't ignore me. FYI bars and clubs don't interest me so I pretty much never meet single people ever. OLD is something I am trying to remove from my life because its dire to the point of laughable. Which leaves me with nothing really. Of course a chorus will now chime in spewing anything from Meet Up to Hiking to Ballroom dancing....fact is people don't naturally use Meet Up here. I refuse to beg and grovel for dates, been there done that and the result isn't any better. How do I go on a date and have a good time if nobody I want to date goes on a date with me? I am forced to try and impress people to make them like me because they never do like me, unfortunately its just how it is here. Ladies have tons of choice and the only way is to try impress them enough to maybe choose me, which they wont do because I am nearly 35 with no dating experience and that becomes VERY obvious to the point where I might as well wear a sign proclaiming such. What you aren't getting is 99.9% of dates I am NOT into, I force myself to go on them to try and learn something but ostensibly they are a complete waste of time from the outset and never am I really surprised by the people either. Chasing, I have chased people for years, its largely pointless because not matter what I do its never enough I am passed over in favour of someone who in my mind and objectively is inferior so no I don't feel the need to chase anyone anymore, again I waste time chasing what doesn't want me anyway. If someone tells me "lets meet tomorrow, I will let you know" and they don't let me know, I then text them to reschedule and I get no response then clearly the person isn't interested. You try being confident after 15 years of dating failure with no success to balance that out, put on those shoes and walk in a mile in them and tell me you would be confident. You wouldn't be. Reality is this time I believed I could succeed and guess what I didn't so why believe in something that proven to never happen in 15 years? Nothing I do makes a difference so I may as well not even bother. I don't agree, you can delude yourself and focus on the good but you cannot ignore the bad, frankly if the outcome is the bad, then there is no good. Unfortunately yes, looks, money, glamour and stature are vital, why because every time I loose out to guys who are better at those than I am, never mind the fact these guys are objectively mostly selfish insular people, that's irrelevant really. All that happens when I try and date is I get picked apart like a plate of food, the good is never what people want. At the end of the day I just see any upside, I can try and try and try but really maybe there are better things to try and try and try at. Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 Would you set-up a meeting with a client and tell them "i'll let you know what time..." or even still, would you accept such a proposition if YOU were the client? I normally would not, unless there's a good reason. In that case I really would let the person know as soon as I know. As for accepting such a proposition, yes I have, but the plumber did give me a window like after 1pm, and he did call just before coming over. If there is a good reason a time cannot be fixed until later, the person should explain. If no reason is given, chances are that person will cancel. This woman did not even call to cancel. She ghosted him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted January 30, 2019 Author Share Posted January 30, 2019 (edited) Everyone keeps saying they are being used. In this instance I was used, basically as a driver to take her everywhere she needed to go, sure I volunteered but I thought at the very least she could reply with "no I am not interested". What I cannot fathom is from wanting to at the very least be my friend to break off all contact, very odd. Then again she is very alternative which I guess is one of the things I found attractive. Edited January 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 There is nothing stopping you from sending a text to say “are you still interested in getting together today? Would you be interested in going...” What’s the worst she could do - not respond? Say no? Will either of these things hurt you in any way... No. you will continue your life, just fine... You do tend to cut and run (and get all woe is me) as soon as there is a hint that things are not going to work out and/or meet your exceptionally high expectations. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 How about an actual phone call instead of a text? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted January 30, 2019 Author Share Posted January 30, 2019 (edited) @Bailey - She sent me a text, "oh can we meet up for a yoga session and a smoothie" the kicker here being I pay for the yoga session. No reply as to why we didn't meet up last night and cant meet tonight because she has a dinner with a friend. Guess what I am simply not going to respond. Maybe this is exactly what I need to do, do to others what they do to me, instead of trying to be nice to people who aren't especially nice to me or are nice to me only to take advantage of my inherent want to be kind. Edited January 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing Link to post Share on other sites
ChatroomHero Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 ZA, you are a literal kid in a candy store. Kid: Mom, I want 52 Snickers bars. Mom: I don't have the money and you will get sick from eating those. Kid: Mom, I don't know what money is, I just put it on the counter, you talk to the clerk and we leave the store. So you are wrong about not being able to afford it. Also, I eat 1 Snickers bar and it is delicious and makes me happy and I never got sick after it. So if I eat 52 Snickers bars I will be 52 times as happy. I know this as a fact Mom, and anything you say I will discount because my logic makes absolute sense based on what I know. Mom: You do not know or understand enough to refute me. Kid: Yes I do. Everything I said is perfectly logical! ZA: By your posts you fully admit (whether you realize it or not) you have no idea how to find, attract and interact with women. So you need to realize the true solution is not something that will be understandable to you. It won't be logical to you. You'll be dismissive of it. If you want to start, you have to wipe your long term memory clean and have short term memory. Look in the mirror when you first get up in the morning and say,"I am not going to be a whiny p*say today. I am not going to think of my failures with women". That will be a start. When you get to the point you can say that and BELIEVE that, then you will be ready to date. If not, by all means keep saying, "yeah but.. " and fighting the advice people are.goving you because that appears to be working well. Chatroomhero, out. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted January 30, 2019 Author Share Posted January 30, 2019 (edited) @Chatroomhero. Yes its so easy to pretend I have 15 years of excellent dating experiences. Very easy. Unfortunately everything I do has some logic in it, why because when you get disappointed enough you cope by taking the emotion out of everything and add logic. The irony is time with this person I felt the best I have in a long time, I didn't feel that immense pressure to conform because she doesn't conform. I could drop the sizeable armour I have up most of the time. No, for me to find success I need to find people who don't think like sheep. Yes I have no idea how to attract anyone, much less kiss anyone. I interact with them the same as I would anyone else. If my friends are to believed the only important aspect of women is how long it take you to sleep with them, seldom do I hear "she has a really great personality", probably because I have slept with anyone I put more premium on the person than they do. Why did I get somewhere with this lady, well not very far but further than I usually get: she didn't shoot me down for being different, she gets me, yes she doesn't find me attractive but as a person she gets me. I could probably friend zone her but then I'd have that same feeling I get on the rare occasion I meet someone nice enough to friend zone, the sense I stand at the window and cant ever walk into the shop. Edited January 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing and paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
lurker74 Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 ZA, you are a metaphorical kid in a candy store. Fixed it for you! Link to post Share on other sites
ChatroomHero Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 Fixed it for you! Actually was intended to be "little". Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 I’m confused. When was it determined that you’d pay for the yoga class? And how the heck is a yoga class a date? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 I’m confused. When was it determined that you’d pay for the yoga class? And how the heck is a yoga class a date? The mutual friend paid her for the original "one on one" yoga class with ZA. Link to post Share on other sites
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