Being set up [on dates]

[ZA Dater]

OP, I can only pass on my story and it has some similarities to yours.

 

I was separated from my first wife and in a pretty bad emotional state (apparently no one could see that because I hid it so well). Some friends from my former place of employment were concerned about me and had tried to “set me up” with women they knew. This was all done in good faith, or at least that is what I thought at the time. It turns out one of these friends arranged an “accidental “ meeting with a young lady with whom I eventually became quite smitten. I had met this young lady before, only in passing, and she (unknown to me) had a bit of a “thing” for me. I never gave her a second thought after that earlier chance meeting.

 

So, these manipulative mutual friends sneakily arranged the “accidental” encounter and I was too bone-headed/clueless at the time to see what was going on.

 

That young lady and I eventually married and close to 27 years after the deviously-arranged chance encounter, we are still married and quite happy.

 

So, the only advice I have for you is to roll with it. It might not be the smoothest beginning of something serious, but it might just be something worth trying out. If it proves to be nothing, at least you got to have a few dates with a hot babe in yoga pants.

 

I am going to meet her but now the whole thing seems to be something different whereby she wants to teach me yoga, insistent on teaching me, the lesson is apparently being paid for by a friend of mine.

 

Sorry but I hope this reads as weird as I am tying it.

 

At the moment I am hardly full of dating choices and I am realistic, she isn't attainable, even if by some miracle I actually like her.

[elaine567]

I am going to meet her but now the whole thing seems to be something different whereby she wants to teach me yoga, insistent on teaching me, the lesson is apparently being paid for by a friend of mine.

 

Ok so your friend has paid her to give you "a yoga lesson"... it may be that she gives "extras" to her clients... and your friend is basically setting you up with an "escort".

[ZA Dater]

Ok so your friend has paid her to give you "a yoga lesson"... it may be that she gives "extras" to her clients... and your friend is basically setting you up with an "escort".

 

 

 

Very unlikely in this instance, look I have met her a few times in passing over the last month, conversation probably totalling 10 minutes at most. Hence me suspecting there is some selling by my friend.

 

 

You might be right, it may be a set up like that, who knows maybe some do find inexperienced awkward guys attractive.

[alphamale]

Ok so your friend has paid her to give you "a yoga lesson"... it may be that she gives "extras" to her clients... and your friend is basically setting you up with an "escort".

 

haha you may be right elaine567. anything can happen

[edgygirl]

So why is she single? Apparently it didn't work out with any of these guys

 

One look at this person's FB page and there she is with guys the complete opposite of me.

 

Seems you're overthinking and catastrophizing due to your bad experiences. Also you sound very insecure, you should work on that. It's almost like you feel you're not worth of love. People can sense that a mile away and they run.

 

I could only wish people would set me up on dates. No one ever does it where I live.

 

The whole thing is contrived, I have spent all of one minute talking to her and suddenly she likes me? I doubt it.

Edited January 23, 2019 by edgygirl

[chillii]

This one's getting trickier by the minute , so now someones paid her ?

Think l need a coffee.

Anyway soooo, l'd have to ask her myself what the deal was , in the middle of my lesson , just in a humoress way l mean.

[Juha]

I would go meet this woman, see how things go and while talking with her

ask her what the deal is with this

[ZA Dater]

So why is she single? Apparently it didn't work out with any of these guys

 

Seems you're overthinking and catastrophizing due to your bad experiences. Also you sound very insecure, you should work on that. It's almost like you feel you're not worth of love. People can sense that a mile away and they run.

 

I could only wish people would set me up on dates. No one ever does it where I live.

 

 

 

I am secure in the fact that ladies like this never like me so the fact that one does raises my level of suspicion, especially based on past experiences with these set up dates.

 

 

Honestly I don't offer much which has marketable value on the dating scene, nobody values knowledge on the dating scene, they value fun, I have lots of the former and none of the latter.

 

 

Actually I am not bothered what people sense anymore, especially ladies because its always what I put out, yet I haven't met too many who actually give me positive vibes and make any effort with me, its always me putting in the effort. Tired of doing that.

 

 

What I am going to do here is simply be a good guy.

[ZA Dater]

Ok so I met up with her briefly and it was one of my awkward days so didn't really go that well. This is the thing I either feel comfortable around someone or I don't.

 

Anyway will probably see her tomorrow for the apparent yoga lesson "if you don't like it we can have coffee" and I am seeing her at the one occasion a year where I got to a party.

 

In short I am not really sold.

Edited January 24, 2019 by ZA Dater
spacing

[elaine567]

Ask her why she accepted your friend's money for the yoga class.

That doesn't exactly sound very "date" like.

[ZA Dater]

Ask her why she accepted your friend's money for the yoga class.

That doesn't exactly sound very "date" like.

 

Exactly its a complete sham this from the start. I always seem to find myself involved in these as some sort of project now another friend is "let me take you shopping" so I guess another maker over is being contemplated. In her case I know she means well but it amounts to putting wall paper of a giant hole in the wall.

 

I wont lie these set ups never make me feel good, they usually make me feel awful and it seems this one is no different so I am already preparing myself for that looser feeling.

 

Its one thing to go on dates that don't work or go on dates you don't find attractive but its another to be sold a false idea to go on a date with someone who has been told to do on a date with you and treat you like some sort of project.

 

Cynically I am starting to think I am better off going on dates which are a waste of time than being put into these awkward situations where everything I am bad at just get magnified. I have been reading a few books and frankly I think I am past the point of hope when it comes to dating, more at the point of just accepting when I go out I'll see that pretty lady but there is no real prospect there. Nothing I do will get me that so why even bother.

Edited January 24, 2019 by ZA Dater
spacing

[NuevoYorko]

The fallacy that good looking people battle with dating is just something they tell other who do struggle to try and make them feel better, they might not get relationships but they get dates with people that want to date.

 

.

That's presumptuous.

[ZA Dater]

That's presumptuous.

 

 

 

Not really based on my own observations and experiences of my friends. Bring some charm, good looks and at least you can get dates.

[chillii]

Well l get the setup things , so just ask your friends not to set you up anymore, be nice , you really appreciate the gesture but it's just not your thing.

Over all though man if you don't lose your negativity you'll still be on here in 30yrs time.

And another thing , people will pick that up at 100 paces when you do go on a date and you kill it right there anyway.

[brigit87]

 

Cynically I am starting to think I am better off going on dates which are a waste of time than being put into these awkward situations where everything I am bad at just get magnified. I have been reading a few books and frankly I think I am past the point of hope when it comes to dating, more at the point of just accepting when I go out I'll see that pretty lady but there is no real prospect there. Nothing I do will get me that so why even bother.

 

The last thing I remember is that you were going to marry a foreign girl with blonde hair.

 

How did you go back to the "I hate dating" theme?

[edgygirl]

[]The thing I value most is brains and I care zero about "fun". I know most of my girl friends to be the same. So look for women who care for brains - simple! But you only talk about beauty in your posts... so not sure you're being sincere about what you want. Maybe you want things you don't really need? Maybe you should be looking for a cute nerdy girl instead of a list I saw you posted somewhere?

 

Why not go with an open mind and hope for the best despite your bad experiences? Guys who get girls are the ones who think they are worth it (showing confidence is one of the sexiest traits). Your overthinking and assuming that they won't like you is a self fulfilling prophecy that they really won't.

 

nobody values knowledge on the dating scene, they value fun, I have lots of the former and none of the latter.

Edited January 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix spacing; language

[ZA Dater]

[]The thing I value most is brains and I care zero about "fun". I know most of my girl friends to be the same. So look for women who care for brains - simple! But you only talk about beauty in your posts... so not sure you're being sincere about what you want. Maybe you want things you don't really need? Maybe you should be looking for a cute nerdy girl instead of a list I saw you posted somewhere?

 

Why not go with an open mind and hope for the best despite your bad experiences? Guys who get girls are the ones who think they are worth it (showing confidence is one of the sexiest traits). Your overthinking and assuming that they won't like you is a self fulfilling prophecy that they really won't.

 

Here is the thing. I am actually feeling indifferent to the entire idea, the set has completely and totally put me off. If anything good happens I'll know its contrived, I have a very good idea of what is gettable for me and what isn't, she falls into the latter category. Its telling I started Bumble and surprise I got the same sort of matches I got on Tinder, i.e. people I don't find attractive at all. There is no coincidence here.

 

I am just indifferent to the entire idea of a set up, especially when its been so poorly thought out, one minute its a set up and I must try date her, another its "she is a nice girl, very spiritual maybe you can embrace that" what am I supposed to do with the person?

Edited January 25, 2019 by ZA Dater
spacing

[ZA Dater]

The last thing I remember is that you were going to marry a foreign girl with blonde hair.

 

How did you go back to the "I hate dating" theme?

 

Quite easily she just vanished and I went on yet more horrid pointless dates and now I am being set up for something even more pointless. Am in a fairly bad space at the moment, this is the problem, I try and try and ultimately get nowhere so I wonder why I even bother to begin with.

 

Its like getting a slice of fresh cake, its lovely but then the rest of the cake is rotten, that's dating for me, even 4-5 years I'll have one good experience and then spent the next 4-5 years having absolutely terrible ones.

 

I'll go and do these 15 minutes of yoga as massively awkward as its likely to be and then just walk away from whole thing, all I get is a pity project sense with all of this, likewise next week someone else is taking me for yet another make over, why I am quite happy with my current style and unlike last time I am not very receptive to the idea but what do I gain from it nothing, all I feel like is a looser who needs people to help him.

 

Again I not seeing any upside to any of this, I don't fit, I am not fun, people don't like me, so why magnify all of that by making me feel even worse with set ups and make overs, NONE of those things are actually going to HELP me, NONE of those things will take away 23 years of rejection from every single person I have liked. Being sat down yesterday by a friend who basically has his choice of the dating buffet and being told "its normal it happens to me all the time" sure it does when you get to date whoever you want...Its this sort of rubbish which gets to me, walk a flipping mile in my shoe before coming up with the nonsense because I might be useless at dating but I don't think I am stupid.

[brigit87]

Quite easily she just vanished and I went on yet more horrid pointless dates and now I am being set up for something even more pointless. Am in a fairly bad space at the moment, this is the problem, I try and try and ultimately get nowhere so I wonder why I even bother to begin with.

 

 

TBH this yoga thing sounds a bit weird. And I agree with you enough of the makeovers.

 

In DBT there's this thing called "Radical Acceptance." It just means you embrace who you are and how you feel without judging it.

 

If you spend your whole life trying to change who you are you're going to feel frustrated. If you're so different from most then looking for a girlfriend the way most do wouldn't work.

 

Also, accepting that life isn't fair is important.

[nospam99]

I don't fit, I am not fun, people don't like me,

 

''What a whiner'' Mal Reynolds to the Operative at the end of Serenity

 

On topic, I will join the fairly universal suggestion here on LS that you take on at least the outward appearance of a positive attitude. I understand that is difficult in the context of your track record. However you are a strong-willed person. Determination counts. And FWIW if I was 'set up' for a 'yoga lesson' with an attractive female 'instructor', I'd enjoy the heck out of it and I'd ask her if I could 'repay' her for her 'help' with a dinner date.

 

I hate salesmen so much that I will deliberately shut them out. Nevertheless, I know how to 'sell' and pretend I'm invested in my pitch either in front of a bunch of managers in a conference room or in front of a bunch of students in a classroom. Another movie quote:

 

''It's showtime'' Roy Scheider in All That Jazz

[some_username1]

Here is the thing. I am actually feeling indifferent to the entire idea, the set has completely and totally put me off. If anything good happens I'll know its contrived, I have a very good idea of what is gettable for me and what isn't, she falls into the latter category. Its telling I started Bumble and surprise I got the same sort of matches I got on Tinder, i.e. people I don't find attractive at all. There is no coincidence here.

 

I am just indifferent to the entire idea of a set up, especially when its been so poorly thought out, one minute its a set up and I must try date her, another its "she is a nice girl, very spiritual maybe you can embrace that" what am I supposed to do with the person?

 

Why do you swipe right on them at all when they are so unattractive? You can only match with them if you swipe right on them (ie express an interest) in the first place.

[ZA Dater]

Why do you swipe right on them at all when they are so unattractive? You can only match with them if you swipe right on them (ie express an interest) in the first place.

 

 

 

If I only liked the ones I like I'd never get any likes at all. So I am forced to consider "ok maybe her".

[stillafool]

I agree with the poster above. If you aren't feeling it don't go out. Tell your friends not to set you up with anyone and if they do don't go.

[ZA Dater]

I agree with the poster above. If you aren't feeling it don't go out. Tell your friends not to set you up with anyone and if they do don't go.

 

 

 

So I had the yoga lesson and a chat with her, was quite nice, must be honest was nice to have someone really pretty and fit working with me.

 

 

She lives in another city though and I am still of the opinion she is way out of my league.

[chillii]

So there ya go.

And you were hardly expecting a gf out of it so it doesn't matter what league she's in anyway.

 

l think a couple of 1000 of us have also suggested though you look further a field and this is the second one in a few weeks from somewhere else that finally you've enjoyed.

case at rest.

Edited January 25, 2019 by chillii