Lotsgoingon Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 Just my two cents ... usually when there hasn't been sexual compatibility, that news reveals itself with empty-feeling kissing. Not as in bad technique kissing, but as in ... I-feel-nothing kissing, like no spark. If there is an electric charge in kissing and the touching then the sex usually turns out to be good. So have the talk when you feel like having the talk ... Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 Hmmm if it were me... I would let exclusivity be his idea Then I will decide if I say yay or nay to being his girlfriend if I like him enough If he don't make me his girlfriend in three months then I assume he don't want me as his girlfriend and will ignore anyway I say see if he is boyfriend material in terms of how he treats you and makes you feel emotionally, and of course if he wants to be your boyfriend, then agree to exclusivity first, and theeeeennn see if he rocks in the bedroom If his bedroom skills is a deal breaker you can always breakup just like any other deal breaker you have Because finding a man who is great in the bed but a pos in the emotional/relationship department is easy to come across without even trying But finding an emotional available relationship oriented man that you like? Is something that's great, rare, and shouldn't be taken lightly Get that first and then worry about the sex later. If it's a no go then let him go and try try try again Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 Exclusivity has nothing to do with commitment. Yes it does. Hmm. Is there such a thing as “bad sex?” Yes, there is. All "exclusivity" means is that you won't date other people in the meantime... it's hardly a huge commitment like getting married or living together. If it doesn't work out, no biggie, just go your separate ways. Well, I think it is a big deal because you risk hurting someone and leading them on. They will wonder why this lovely woman asked to be exclusive and take it to mean commitment (of course it means something, Elaine is wrong to say that commitment and exclusivity have nothing to do with each other.. if a guy wants to just see me and nobody else, it means something about his level of commitment to me). If he then has sex with me and dumps me then hell yeah I know I’m hopeless in the sack, ouch. Y’all disagree all you like but myself and many others will see “let’s be exclusive” as a step up in commitment level. I also don’t think much of your idea, edgy, of setting a trial period where you see if they’re crap in bed or not before deciding as it’s not going to be pleasant if either of you aren’t satisfied. I would never dump someone and tell them it’s because they’re hopeless at sex?? Just go with the flow. What do you need to know? What is it about for you? STD or what?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grey40 Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 No normal male would ever agree to being exclusive with a woman before having sex with them. They’d have to be really insecure or desperate or think there’s nothing else out there. The whole difference between friends and gf/bf is sex, so why would someone commit exclusivity to someone as their partner when that element hasn’t been established? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 Well, I think it is a big deal because you risk hurting someone and leading them on. They will wonder why this lovely woman asked to be exclusive and take it to mean commitment (of course it means something, Elaine is wrong to say that commitment and exclusivity have nothing to do with each other.. if a guy wants to just see me and nobody else, it means something about his level of commitment to me). If he then has sex with me and dumps me then hell yeah I know I’m hopeless in the sack, ouch. Y’all disagree all you like but myself and many others will see “let’s be exclusive” as a step up in commitment level. I also don’t think much of your idea, edgy, of setting a trial period where you see if they’re crap in bed or not before deciding as it’s not going to be pleasant if either of you aren’t satisfied. I would never dump someone and tell them it’s because they’re hopeless at sex?? Just go with the flow. What do you need to know? What is it about for you? STD or what?? We probably have a different definition of "commitment" - to me "commitment" means sticking by each other through thick and thin. So in that sense, de facto partnership or marriage is a commitment to me, but exclusivity isn't. All exclusivity means to me is that "we like each other well enough to see IF we work well together, and we're going to give each other the best chance of that by not seeing other people at the same time." Tbh, I've never even multi dated, nor ever had any intention to do so. If I like someone enough to date them, I like them enough to not like anyone else the same way for the time being. Sex is a step up from there. The men I've been with feel the same way. Yes, it does suck if you discover you're not sexually compatible - it happened with my ex. But honestly, there are hundreds of other things you could also discover you're incompatible with, later on - it doesn't make sense to me personally to hold off on exclusivity until you are 100% sure you are compatible in most of those ways. Some things you don't even discover until you live together... With my ex, I also made the mistake of ignoring the red flags - I could tell from our conversations that he likely wasn't compatible sexually. I just ignored them. No normal male would ever agree to being exclusive with a woman before having sex with them. They’d have to be really insecure or desperate or think there’s nothing else out there. The whole difference between friends and gf/bf is sex, so why would someone commit exclusivity to someone as their partner when that element hasn’t been established? Lol, you must not have been around very much. Multi-dating in and of itself seems to primarily be a modern Western thing, and even that mostly in the US (possibly also Aus and Canada?). My British friends tell me that multi-dating is uncommon for them. In Asia it is virtually unheard of. So, yes, guess the majority of males in the world aren't "normal", huh? Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 No normal male would ever agree to being exclusive with a woman before having sex with them. They’d have to be really insecure or desperate or think there’s nothing else out there. I see it differently. To me someone who can't focus on one person at a time is someone who is not emotionally stable enough to deal with a relationship not working out, so they constantly need a back-up plan. They also aren't focused on getting a life-partner; even if sexual compatibility is essential to you, if you can't wait it out for handful of dates without getting it from somewhere else, this shows a lack of consideration for your dating partners and a need to satisfy an urge rather than a genuine attempt at getting to know someone, imo. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
nychic009 Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 No normal male would ever agree to being exclusive with a woman before having sex with them. They’d have to be really insecure or desperate or think there’s nothing else out there. The whole difference between friends and gf/bf is sex, so why would someone commit exclusivity to someone as their partner when that element hasn’t been established? All my bfs were very successful, well educated, good looking and agreed to be exclusive before sex. They actually respected me more for wanting that. One bf even brought it up himself. I have noticed a trend where if you are exclusive prior to sex, the man always treats you better, regardless whether it ends up being serous or not. Where my gfs who have no strings attached sex, the guy treats them worse after the fact, and they get stuck chasing the man with it not going anywhere. This is the case in big cities and if you're a young professional. Not the case with high school or college dating. People make the argument sex is so easy, so why use it as a bartering chip. I think the argument is that sex is so easy and if you're decently attractive you can go to a club/bar and get sex anytime so why is that such a high criteria for people getting into relationships? If the sex sucks you can break up anytime. Link to post Share on other sites
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