Bettyboo456 Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Ive been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years now. At the start of our relationship we broke up, during the time we were broken up my boyfriend had sort of a fling with this girl he worked with at the time. He said they had “fun” but they didn’t sleep together because she didn’t feel comfortable at the time. We ended up getting back together and we’ve been together now for nearly 2 years. I let that go because it happened at the time we were not together. So fast forward to a few months ago, I find out that the past year they were texting on and off. I didn’t notice because we were still in a relationship and everything seemed good between us. He never told me he was texting her. I only found out because he was showing me something on his phone and I saw a text from her. Not going to lie I sort of freaked out when I saw that, just because I knew he liked this girl before. The time I find out we nearly broke up because I was so pissed off. He didnt want us to break up he said they’re just friends and he wants to be with me. So I thought okay maybe they are just friends. That was in september and strange enough when I found out about that they stopped texting for 3 months. Not sure who stopped texting who but they didn’t speak for 3 months. Him claiming he hasn’t spoke to her because he doesn’t want friendship to get in the way of what we have. That was 3 months ago. Then Christmas Eve they were texting again. According to him she text him Christmas Eve. I did see one text from her which read “I hate Christmas <\3”. I wasn’t angry with him this time but I wanted him to just be honest with me. He said he lies to me about texting her in case I overreact and break up with him and he doesn’t want that because he loves me. That I’m the love of his life, I’m his future, his world. He said I’d make a bigger deal out of it than it is. I said it seems like you have feelings for her or love her. He said he’s never loved her, doesn’t have feelings for just loves me etc. Since Christmas Eve they’ve texted on and off. He sent her a text last night (New Years eve) at 2am. I thought that was weird he would text her at that hour. I feel extremely paranoid that he actually is still into her and possibly has feelings. I’ve noticed no other difference in him, he’s still so affectionate, sex life is good, we still meet up, he’s literally always telling me he loves me. Literally saying he loves me so much, “you have no idea how much I love you”. Also this girl has a boyfriend. And I can see why he still likes her, she’s beautiful, much better looking than me. I’m scared he actually wants her but can’t because she’s not single. Like why have they been texting on and off for the past year, maybe more and why aren’t they together if they’re so mad about each other? I’m so confused why is he with me then
elaine567 Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 I am guessing this is the same guy who goes MIA on you for days at a time... 2
frankspeci Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Yeah, whatever happens with that lack of contact/Christmas present thing? 1
Author Bettyboo456 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Posted January 1, 2019 Yeah, whatever happens with that lack of contact/Christmas present thing? We actually ended up having a good Christmas apart from this girl texting him. He ended up getting me a really expensive present and I spent 3 days with him and his family for Christmas. He said all he did was sleep and work so that’s why he didn’t text me. I explained to him he needs to text me and let me know if he’s too busy in work to reply. Since then he has been texting me everyday without fail so he listened to me I guess.
Author Bettyboo456 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Posted January 1, 2019 I am guessing this is the same guy who goes MIA on you for days at a time... He explained he was too busy in work he literally just went to work and slept. I said to him in future he needs to let me know if he’s going to be so busy that he can’t reply. And he did end up getting me a really nice present for Christmas. Since I said that to him he’s been very good at texting me everyday I don’t even have to text him anymore because he does. So I felt he did make an effort to listen to my concerns and we haven’t had that problem since.
elaine567 Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 He explained he was too busy in work he literally just went to work and slept. I said to him in future he needs to let me know if he’s going to be so busy that he can’t reply. And he did end up getting me a really nice present for Christmas. Since I said that to him he’s been very good at texting me everyday I don’t even have to text him anymore because he does. So I felt he did make an effort to listen to my concerns and we haven’t had that problem since. You wrote previously "...he had time to be online multiple times and post things on Facebook but he didn’t have time to text me" Ok I am glad he is toeing the line now, but what was that really all about?
FMW Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 I think the main problem is you just don't feel too secure about your relationship, regardless of what he says. His actions (going days without contact - at least in the past) raise doubts in you that his words don't completely erase. I wouldn't like that he isn't honest with you about his texting with the other girl, no matter what reason he gives you for hiding it. Maybe his feelings for you are exactly as he says they are, and maybe this girl is just a friend and nothing more. But your gut is telling you something isn't quite right. I've learned to trust my instincts. Do you feel yours are reliable? 1
Author Bettyboo456 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Posted January 1, 2019 You wrote previously "...he had time to be online multiple times and post things on Facebook but he didn’t have time to text me" Ok I am glad he is toeing the line now, but what was that really all about? I think he genuinely was busy. And he said since he figured he would see me on Christmas Eve and we would be spending Christmas together that he didn’t feel the need to text when he knew we would get into a whole conversation and he needed to sleep because he was working all day over the weekend so I let it go because it’s not an issue.
Malin889 Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Does the friend make you uncomfortable or does him texting her making you uncomfortable? It sounds like they are just friends unless they are doing something more. And while 2am is normally a big deal, on New Years Eve, I would give it a pass because people are up late that night. What makes you uncomfortable, because he used to like her? 1
Author Bettyboo456 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Posted January 1, 2019 I think the main problem is you just don't feel too secure about your relationship, regardless of what he says. His actions (going days without contact - at least in the past) raise doubts in you that his words don't completely erase. I wouldn't like that he isn't honest with you about his texting with the other girl, no matter what reason he gives you for hiding it. Maybe his feelings for you are exactly as he says they are, and maybe this girl is just a friend and nothing more. But your gut is telling you something isn't quite right. I've learned to trust my instincts. Do you feel yours are reliable? You have it pretty much right. I don’t feel secure. I go through bouts of feeling secure when I’m with him and he GENUINELY seems to love me. Then I’m like yeah okay he’s not gonna leave me for this girl he clearly loves me. Then I see they’ve been texting and I get anxious and insecure. I think it’s worse because I know they fancied each other before. I mean I have male friends but we never had a thing or liked each other before. He really does seem to love me. I could just be sitting next to him and he’ll just randomly say how much he loves me. It feels real like why else would you tell someone you love them unless you do? Well I wouldn’t, unless other people would. Then I keep thinking well what if the reason he gave for lying to me about texting her isn’t actually the real reason. I don’t know if I can trust my gut or not I haven’t seen enough evidence that there is more going on between them. Plus I have thought things before and was totally wrong. So I’m not sure.
Author Bettyboo456 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Posted January 1, 2019 Does the friend make you uncomfortable or does him texting her making you uncomfortable? It sounds like they are just friends unless they are doing something more. And while 2am is normally a big deal, on New Years Eve, I would give it a pass because people are up late that night. What makes you uncomfortable, because he used to like her? Yup because they used to like each other and had a thing. He doesn’t have many female friends that he texts. He has me that he talks to and she’s one friend that I also know of. What makes it sound like they are just friends? Cause I thought it sounded like more than friends. And the fact he lies to me so I won’t overreact and make a big deal and leave him. He said he did to protect me. Hmm??
d0nnivain Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 The Art of War recommends that you keep your friends close & your enemies closer. That may be good advice for you. You do need to realize that your problem is with your BF not this OW. If it wasn't her, it'd be somebody else. If you don't trust him --especially because his behavior doesn't exactly instill confidence -- you need to figure out if you really have a relationship. Although the idea that he lies to you because he knows telling you the truth is going to cause you to freak out & he doesn't want to deal is BS on some level, give serious thought to how you do react. If he has a point, recognize that you were a factor in this; your SO should be able to tell you anything, even the stuff you don't want to hear. Still him lying to you about the frequency of his contact with her is the part I couldn't get past in your shoes. 2
Cersei Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 I am not really a jealous, skeptical person but something here just seems off. Have you ever met her? I would likely want to meet up with her and her boyfriend and see these 2 together. Set up a double date maybe.
Author Bettyboo456 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Posted January 1, 2019 The Art of War recommends that you keep your friends close & your enemies closer. That may be good advice for you. You do need to realize that your problem is with your BF not this OW. If it wasn't her, it'd be somebody else. If you don't trust him --especially because his behavior doesn't exactly instill confidence -- you need to figure out if you really have a relationship. Although the idea that he lies to you because he knows telling you the truth is going to cause you to freak out & he doesn't want to deal is BS on some level, give serious thought to how you do react. If he has a point, recognize that you were a factor in this; your SO should be able to tell you anything, even the stuff you don't want to hear. Still him lying to you about the frequency of his contact with her is the part I couldn't get past in your shoes. I guess he does have a point in a way. I freaked out first because I remembered who this girl was from last year and I thought something was going. Plus the fact he never told me once that he was texting her. And now the lying about texting her makes me think there is something going on. Do you think he’s possibly having an affair/emotional affair?
Author Bettyboo456 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Posted January 1, 2019 I am not really a jealous, skeptical person but something here just seems off. Have you ever met her? I would likely want to meet up with her and her boyfriend and see these 2 together. Set up a double date maybe. I’ve never met her. I’ve only ever seen her last year when she worked at the same place as my boyfriend. From what I know they’re not so close friends that they hang out, they just seem to text and keep in contact. I’ve no idea why unless one or both still are into each other.
d0nnivain Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Do you think he’s possibly having an affair/emotional affair? The green eyed monster is powerful. I freaked out on my husband once about a female colleague of his. She was actually more gracious about the whole thing then he was; he didn't even realize why I was so upset but she did. Anyway, I don't believe in EAs. I think sometimes people get turned around & spend too much time talking to a member of the opposite sex outside of their primary relationship but IMO that can be reigned in & forgiven, unless it progresses to a PA. Here I think your guy found comfort in another woman while you were apart but understood that after you two reconciled her presence would upset you. Since nothing happened & he still had to work with her, he kept it on the DL but he probably likes & respects her. He seems to have curtailed his interactions with her but did try to offer her some comfort as she struggled through the holidays. My advice, arrange to spend time with both of them so you can mark your territory & look her in the eye. If you don't like his behavior during that interaction, walk. If she works to make you feel reassured, recognize that she is not the problem.
Author Bettyboo456 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Posted January 1, 2019 The green eyed monster is powerful. I freaked out on my husband once about a female colleague of his. She was actually more gracious about the whole thing then he was; he didn't even realize why I was so upset but she did. Anyway, I don't believe in EAs. I think sometimes people get turned around & spend too much time talking to a member of the opposite sex outside of their primary relationship but IMO that can be reigned in & forgiven, unless it progresses to a PA. Here I think your guy found comfort in another woman while you were apart but understood that after you two reconciled her presence would upset you. Since nothing happened & he still had to work with her, he kept it on the DL but he probably likes & respects her. He seems to have curtailed his interactions with her but did try to offer her some comfort as she struggled through the holidays. My advice, arrange to spend time with both of them so you can mark your territory & look her in the eye. If you don't like his behavior during that interaction, walk. If she works to make you feel reassured, recognize that she is not the problem. Hmm they don’t actually hang out as far as I know it’s just texting so I can’t exactly ask to hang out with both of them. So they’re not close like that they just seem to keep in contact.
d0nnivain Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Hmm they don’t actually hang out as far as I know it’s just texting so I can’t exactly ask to hang out with both of them. So they’re not close like that they just seem to keep in contact. You misunderstand. You tell him you want to have her over for dinner or meet her for drinks. You orchestrate this get together.
smackie9 Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 You mentioned several times he spoiled you at Christmas so you must take that into account that this his dedication to you....well no, it can also can mean a projection of guilt. I'm not saying he's cheating, but it's not a good behavior when he is using that to divert attention away from what he did.
Author Bettyboo456 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Posted January 1, 2019 You misunderstand. You tell him you want to have her over for dinner or meet her for drinks. You orchestrate this get together. I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that since they don’t hang out I feel it would be awkward. I’m sure she wouldn’t come anyway she’s got a boyfriend that she seems to spend most of her time with.
Author Bettyboo456 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Posted January 1, 2019 You mentioned several times he spoiled you at Christmas so you must take that into account that this his dedication to you....well no, it can also can mean a projection of guilt. I'm not saying he's cheating, but it's not a good behavior when he is using that to divert attention away from what he did. Me mentioning the present was about the previous thread I posted on here, noting to do with this one but 2 posters asked about it.
smackie9 Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Well if it were me I would review that boundary with him that was set a few months ago, that he wouldn't risk your relationship over this friendship. She was lonely...so who does she reach out to? Your BF...not kool. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that since they don’t hang out I feel it would be awkward. I’m sure she wouldn’t come anyway she’s got a boyfriend that she seems to spend most of her time with. If she has a BF, then there is less of a problem. Do try to arrange a double date just so you can eyeball her for yourself. You will have to get over your discomfort. Confronting this fear is far superior then wallowing & waiting for the other show to drop, not knowing.
Author Bettyboo456 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Posted January 1, 2019 Well if it were me I would review that boundary with him that was set a few months ago, that he wouldn't risk your relationship over this friendship. She was lonely...so who does she reach out to? Your BF...not kool. Hmm yup and it’s weird because she’s got a boyfriend of her own. Yet she comes to my boyfriend with all her problems? Also it’s strange they did actually stop speaking for 3 months when I found out (I never asked him to stop talking to her). They just stopped. It was him that said about not risking our relationship over friendship not me. But somehow they got back in contact over Christmas.
smackie9 Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Doesn't matter who set the boundary, there was one set whether it was volunteered or not, and he should keep his word.....that's where you come in and remind him. IMO she contacted him because she was lonely and his attention makes her feel wanted and desired. She was looking for a little fix.
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