Son wanted dna-kit for X-mas.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

My mom and I did the testing for fun. I got "matches" from her side of the family as well as my father's side. So the problem would be if OP's husband's close relatives (like nieces and nephews) got the testing done then it would raise a question as to why they did not show up as "matches".

 

Or if he starts matching with complete strangers. This is exactly how my BIL recently found out his paternal grandfather is not his father's bio dad. It started with country of origin being nothing at all what he was raised to believe. Snowballed from there.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You watch too much tv. Lol But I was thinking something sneaky too. Get it ready to send and then it "accidentally" gets lost in the mail.

 

He'd just get another one. Not a good long term solution.

[BaileyB]

This precisely what I fear. I have read online so many accounts of children/adults being devastated and I don’t want this for my son. There is something about his eyes that makes me suspect my DH isn’t the father.I do not want my son to be hyrt and confused. In my mind, the man who raises you is the parent. Not someone on a piece of paper.

 

In your mind... But, your son may have a different opinion if/when he ever learns the truth. And... his opinion is the one that counts.

[somanymistakes]

This precisely what I fear. I have read online so many accounts of children/adults being devastated and I don’t want this for my son. There is something about his eyes that makes me suspect my DH isn’t the father.I do not want my son to be hyrt and confused. In my mind, the man who raises you is the parent. Not someone on a piece of paper.

 

I agree that the person who raises you is your parent, and it's a terrible thing to do to throw someone aside just because they might turn out not to have your DNA.

 

But you can't hide this. Even if you tried to hide or fake this particular test, now that DNA testing is so common, if there's something to find out they may find out eventually. Your son might get another test some other time, he might have children of his own that tests are run on. Lots of people find out something's weird because they test themselves against their siblings/cousins.

 

Realistically, you have two choices.

 

1) Sit down with your son and husband before the test and explain that a long, long time ago you made a foolish mistake, and that you have never known the truth. Tell them you honestly don't know what the test will show. Ask them if they want to go ahead with it.

 

That's the most honest thing to do but also the most painful.

 

2) Say nothing, act like you suspect nothing, and let the test be done. Maybe it'll turn out that he really is the father and all the worrying was for nothing. If not, then it'll fall to your son to decide how to handle the information. Maybe he won't ask.

 

This is not a very honest option, but there's a chance that your husband's feelings will be spared.

[BaileyB]

I agree that the person who raises you is your parent, and it's a terrible thing to do to throw someone aside just because they might turn out not to have your DNA.

 

I doubt that would happen. If you have raised your son to be a good and honourable young man, he will be very aware of who has raised him and your husband will always be a father to him.

 

But you can't hide this.

 

I completely agree. Your son has a right to know his biological father.

[PinkPampies]

I hope other cheaters look at this story and see how it can become a lifetime of pain.

 

I think you should tell your son and husband before he takes the test. They both have a right to know. And then you can deal with whatever fallout occurs. Take responsibility, take blame. Man up. You’ll feel better after it’s out and your own personal healing can begin. Can’t imagine keeping this a secret for 40 years...

[elaine567]

This isn't a paternity test.

Say nothing.

Cross any bridges if and when you come to them.

[Timshel]

'Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!'

Sir Walter Scott, 1808

 

 

 

The truth will come out sooner or later. I would rather go to my grave with a clear conscience. It may be that if you choose silence OP, this will not only haunt you till death; but also your memorial as the years following unfold.

 

 

If so, with no person to answer heart hurt questions. That is reality.

[doyathinkso]

Time for you to be an adult.

 

Should the pigeons come home to roost, so be it.

 

You are not alone. Read this https://www.bloombergquint.com/onweb/surprise-dna-results-are-turning-customer-service-reps-into-therapists#gs.DqmgYig

[pepperbird]

op,

as someone who just had one of those DNA test kits done for myself for medical reasons ( I was adopted and got sick of the ever unhelpful Ontario government's hurry up and wait attitude when it came to releasing the information), if it's anything like the test I had done, it will show him his relations on both sides. The majority of mine are no closer than fourth cousins or less, which really doesn't mean much. From what I have been told by other users, this tends to be the pattern, so even if your son's DNA isn't a match, it might not matter.

 

That being said, as someone who is, quite literally, sick about not having my biological parent's information, please, don't keep this from your son. I wish I could offer advice about how to have him tested so you might be able to avoid all this, but I don't know how to do that, and I don;t feel it's a good idea anyway.

 

I am sorry you are in this situation though. I would like to have been able to be more helpful.

[healing light]

I had one done through Ancestry.

 

I also am attempting to do one with ancestry and health through 23andme. I say attempt because the first try revealed there wasn't sufficient DNA in my saliva (apparently they test your white blood cells). If they still can't extract enough on the second try, I've heard they make you get a refund and refuse to send a third kit.

 

The Ancestry one only recently revealed an update about how much DNA I share with my mom and sister (who had theirs done around the same time a few years ago) and that they suspected we were close relatives. Otherwise, it's just a bunch of regions where you are from. They updated their results with more participants and it drastically changed the percentages of some of our regions and eliminated others altogether.

 

First, I showed a lot more from what would be my father's side of the family and after their update I'm much closer to my mom's ancestry. My sister's results were initially the opposite (appeared to be much more my mom's, then after their update looks like she shares more from my father's regions).

 

So, this stuff is a work in progress. My sister and I match with different relatives mostly from different sides of the family. Most of the matches involve X-degree cousins and distant relatives. Having my information is helping her put her tree together. I match with people that she never gets notified about and vice versa and sometimes I match with people she already is familiar with from her results. My father has passed, but I am absolutely 100% certain we are from the same set of parents.

 

I think it's entirely possible that your son could have this done and no one would be the wiser. Also, it's still possible he could be your husband's son. He is going to do it sooner or later. If he is a minor, perhaps you can set the account under your name and have control over the notifications of the results. I let my sister manage my matches. She had initially bought me the kit as a gift and has all our results streamlined somehow through her account, I believe.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

In my mind, the man who raises you is the parent. Not someone on a piece of paper.

 

All things being equal, yeah. But all things are not equal. Your H was con'ed and manipulated into raising another man's son as his own. I can't think anything more emasculating for a man than this scenario. How anyone can put their son and husband in this gut-wrenching situation is beyond my comprehension.

[somanymistakes]

All things being equal, yeah. But all things are not equal. Your H was con'ed and manipulated into raising another man's son as his own. I can't think anything more emasculating for a man than this scenario.

 

I truly do not understand men.

 

For one, we still don't even know if it even was another man's sperm.

 

For another, that IS his son. Every minute of that young man's life, the shape of 'Dad', his male role model, his closest relation in the world, has been him. The dad who held him as a baby, the dad who gave him his first ball/bike/whatever, the dad who taught him to drive... I don't know, I don't know their lives, but every moment, every milestone, that was Dad.

 

You want to demand a refund on a lifetime because the DNA that you can't even see says that once, before he was born, your son had the tiniest contact with another man?

 

The betrayal here is the affair and the lies, the secret that the wife kept. Blaming the child, considering them "another man's son" as if they were just a piece of property, a piece of furniture that belonged to someone else, and the lifetime's relationship between them means nothing?

 

I don't understand that at all.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

So, this stuff is a work in progress. My sister and I match with different relatives mostly from different sides of the family. Most of the matches involve X-degree cousins and distant relatives. Having my information is helping her put her tree together. I match with people that she never gets notified about and vice versa and sometimes I match with people she already is familiar with from her results.

 

This is an important takeaway. Even if in the first day or week that results are received nothing "funky" shows up, more and more people are doing this every day, so things could be drastically different months or years from now.

[elaine567]

I truly do not understand men.

 

The betrayal here is the affair and the lies, the secret that the wife kept. Blaming the child, considering them "another man's son" as if they were just a piece of property, a piece of furniture that belonged to someone else, and the lifetime's relationship between them means nothing?

 

I don't understand that at all.

 

 

I do, I didn't before but imagine if instead of the baby you carried, cared for and nurtured thinking it was yours and your husband's was suddenly found to be his and his OW's and not yours.

The child you invested so much into is not even related to you, your parents are not its grandparents, your family is not its kin, all that time and energy spent was for the benefit of his OW... her genes are passed on to future generations, not yours...

[pepperbird]

I truly do not understand men.

 

For one, we still don't even know if it even was another man's sperm.

 

For another, that IS his son. Every minute of that young man's life, the shape of 'Dad', his male role model, his closest relation in the world, has been him. The dad who held him as a baby, the dad who gave him his first ball/bike/whatever, the dad who taught him to drive... I don't know, I don't know their lives, but every moment, every milestone, that was Dad.

 

You want to demand a refund on a lifetime because the DNA that you can't even see says that once, before he was born, your son had the tiniest contact with another man?

 

The betrayal here is the affair and the lies, the secret that the wife kept. Blaming the child, considering them "another man's son" as if they were just a piece of property, a piece of furniture that belonged to someone else, and the lifetime's relationship between them means nothing?

 

I don't understand that at all.

 

 

 

 

It's not about the comfort level of the parent, and while I feel terrible for the man being put in this position, it's the little boy who is my biggest concern.

 

it's normal for a child who is raised by someone besides their biological parents to ask questions, and it sounds like, at least in this case, he might find out his father is someone different. How the op and her husband handle this may well be very important to his overall mental health.

 

As I said above, not knowing your genetic heritage can be a real problem. I'm desperate to find out just medical information, and if the op's son is genetically not her husband's, her needs to know as soon as he is mature enough to handle the information. It may well save his life.

[Art_Critic]

It's not about the comfort level of the parent, and while I feel terrible for the man being put in this position, it's the little boy who is my biggest concern.

 

The way I read it there is no "little boy".. the Dad is in his 70's.. my read is the Son is in his 30's or even late 30's.

 

I have 2 thoughts... one is to just let it ride and let the chips fall where they may and then work on putting it back together if anything falls apart.

 

The other is she just comes clean to the Son first and then her husband...

 

These DNA tests while cool are uncovering many times family secrets long buried.. I read an article earlier about a family member who bought the whole family one and the Mom went nuts..she came clean.. turned out that one of the sisters was from a different father and nobody knew.. he died before she was born or there abouts and the Mom didn't raise her as if she had a different Dad...

 

If it were me... being the kids are raised and the Dad is elderly/senior I would come clean and then have the DNA test to see if the child is his.. go from there..

 

You can't plan this to any other conclusion....

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I truly do not understand men.

 

For one, we still don't even know if it even was another man's sperm.

 

For another, that IS his son. Every minute of that young man's life, the shape of 'Dad', his male role model, his closest relation in the world, has been him. The dad who held him as a baby, the dad who gave him his first ball/bike/whatever, the dad who taught him to drive... I don't know, I don't know their lives, but every moment, every milestone, that was Dad.

 

You want to demand a refund on a lifetime because the DNA that you can't even see says that once, before he was born, your son had the tiniest contact with another man?

 

The betrayal here is the affair and the lies, the secret that the wife kept. Blaming the child, considering them "another man's son" as if they were just a piece of property, a piece of furniture that belonged to someone else, and the lifetime's relationship between them means nothing?

 

I don't understand that at all.

 

You do understand it, but from the female perspective. From a female perspective, there is a primordial instinct to protect her children. The flip side of that primordial instinct, is for a man to protect his mate from other males and ensuring his lineage stays intact and unadulterated.

 

Where do I blame the child? This is all on the OP for placing the child in this situation (and husband). If/When this comes to light, that adult child will have an identity crisis of epic proportions; same with the husband. The life they thought was truth, was all based on a lie.

 

And Yes, as a man (I'm a father) all that the husband has invested into the child (emotionally and financially) will become a factor in his response. This is the worse type of bait-and-switch con job.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

These DNA tests while cool are uncovering many times family secrets long buried.

 

Between this type of thing and how familial DNA is now being used by law enforcement to solve cold cases, can we hope the human race will start behaving better? Doubtful, but it's nice to dream.....

[Familysecret]

I told them. They are all devastated and I just want to die. I Will survive, but I wish I could just disappear. My son and soon-to-ex-husband are in pain and I now wonder why I told them.

I hope some of you are satisfied.

[salparadise]

I told them. They are all devastated and I just want to die. I Will survive, but I wish I could just disappear. My son and soon-to-ex-husband are in pain and I now wonder why I told them.

I hope some of you are satisfied.

 

Oh my! This must be terribly hard for you. I can't even imagine what you must be feeling. I wish there was something we could say to assuage the pain, but there really isn't. If you're religious, pray. Ask forgiveness and tell them you love them.

[Mr. Lucky]

I hope some of you are satisfied.

 

Satisfied that you told them? Certainly, your son has a right to know.

 

Satisfied telling has caused you and you family pain? Not at all, though this chain of events was set in motion long ago...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

Did the DNA kit actually show up anything?

[TheRainbow]

I told them. They are all devastated and I just want to die. I Will survive, but I wish I could just disappear. My son and soon-to-ex-husband are in pain and I now wonder why I told them.

I hope some of you are satisfied.

 

In time the relief will get there. I held the secret of not knowing my middle daughter's paternity for my entire pregnancy until she was four months old. In my case she wasn't m husband's biologically. My husband has chosen to forgive me. I'd honestly give them some space. I'll go back and read, but is it known or did they find out yet if he is or isn't his biological son.

[anika99]

I told them. They are all devastated and I just want to die. I Will survive, but I wish I could just disappear. My son and soon-to-ex-husband are in pain and I now wonder why I told them.

I hope some of you are satisfied.

 

Well I certainly hope nobody is taking satisfaction from your family being in pain? What did you tell them? Just that there was a possibility that someone else fathered your son? Has your son done the DNA kit yet? If so what are the results?

 

I believe in honesty but I'm not 100% sure what I would have done in your situation. I think I may have just let my son do the DNA and let the outcome determine what I should tell. That being said and since you have already told, I wish you and your family healing. Your husband is your son's dad no matter what the test says. If I found out one of my kids wasn't biologically mine, say he were switched at birth or something outrageous like that, it wouldn't change how I feel about him one bit. It wouldn't change the fact that I bonded with him, loved him, raised him, etc.

 

This is a painful situation for your family but I think you will all be okay. Just give it time.