I want some kind of closure with my ex-husband

[DKT3]

Your guilt and remorse are understandable. BUT, do you really want to force him to listen to you talk about whatever details or generalities about your affair?

Or, would that not actually be you just downloading your own burden onto him, to appease your own guilt?

 

This is also only about you -- your cathartic release -- and not anything that you want to do for him.

 

In any case, from your account, he is doing well and is moving on with his life. He has recovered, and does not need anything more from you.

 

For your own recovery, find a therapist to help you work through your guilt. You do also deserve to be able to move on...but stop thinking that he needs to help you do that.

 

Best of luck.

That's not what she is looking for, having followed her closely in the almost two years, she believes that she can talk him back. She really wants one more shot. She has already written it all in a letter. So I'm sure he read it. The sudden urgency is due to him starting a new relationship.

[Mr. Lucky]

But I feel I still haven't done enough for him.

 

You've certainly done enough to him.

 

Deepremorse5, this is just a continuation of the same selfish mindset that led you to cheat. Cheaters think they deserve something missing from their marriage, you continue to feel you deserve something missing from your separation and divorce.

 

You're looking for the wrong thing and in the wrong place. Talk to a counselor rather than to your now silent ex...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bigman1]

I think I get what you are saying. I put aside all of the judgments about your cheating and focus on what I think is your issue on closure.

 

It appears to me that you wanted a chance to save your marriage. You wanted a chance to fight. Maybe hear him beg, or cry, or rage, or question things and for you to beg, and explain, and endure and show that you would take all that he would dish out. Maybe have the marriage to wither and die with the option of succeeding. Instead, it was like he dropped you. Almost like your marriage, despite your cheating, was not worth the effort to try and salvage. You were not enough. He did not give you a shot and then say that it was too much and divorce. He just said, "fine. Stop apologizing. And we are getting divorced. And I will sleep with you, but it means nothing."

 

In short, I think you want validation that you mattered to him. That your marriage mattered. That he mourned the loss of you and the marriage. To some degree, that is why you are in this pickle...selfishness. On the other hand, those are legit feelings. Everyone wants to know that they mattered.

 

Perhaps the closure that you seek is masochistic. Maybe you need him to say that you did not matter or were not worth the effort. I don't know. I have seen folks beg an offended party to hit them or do something to get them back, as it were. When the offended just walks away, it leaves them confused and unpunished in a way that the felt they deserved.

 

My $.02.

[BettyDraper]

See a therapist in order to process your grief. You aren't going to get what you need from your ex husband.

[Mind-Chants]

{snip} Perhaps the closure that you seek is masochistic. Maybe you need him to say that you did not matter or were not worth the effort. I don't know. I have seen folks beg an offended party to hit them or do something to get them back, as it were. When the offended just walks away, it leaves them confused and unpunished in a way that the felt they deserved.

 

Well said. I must say I was judgemental about her cheating that I forgot that she has emotions and feelings. If I remember correctly, she mentioned that she is an emotional person. Not everyone process their feelings in the same manner. I feel most of us here failed to look beyond her cheating.

But her ex husband won't give her that closure she is looking for. She needs professional help.

Edited December 12, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[bathtub-row]

I think you need to come to terms with why you cheated. Was he this distant when you were together? We’re you convinced he didn’t care about you? I’m not saying that your reasons were valid but they were obviously valid to you in that space in time. It’s something to think about.

 

If you cheated on him for several months, it’s completely understandable that he has cut you off as he has. In his mind, there’s nothing to talk about. You should look at it as your just punishment because what you did was extremely callous and hurt him beyond words.

 

The only thing you can do now is to think about what led you to do what you did, think about how you justified your actions all those months, and learn from it. Maybe someday you’ll be able to make peace with your ex but in his mind he has wriiten you off and you just need to accept that and never, ever repeat the behavior. Welcome to the School of Hard Knocks.

[DKT3]

I think you need to come to terms with why you cheated. Was he this distant when you were together? We’re you convinced he didn’t care about you? I’m not saying that your reasons were valid but they were obviously valid to you in that space in time. It’s something to think about.

 

If you cheated on him for several months, it’s completely understandable that he has cut you off as he has. In his mind, there’s nothing to talk about. You should look at it as your just punishment because what you did was extremely callous and hurt him beyond words.

 

The only thing you can do now is to think about what led you to do what you did, think about how you justified your actions all those months, and learn from it. Maybe someday you’ll be able to make peace with your ex but in his mind he has wriiten you off and you just need to accept that and never, ever repeat the behavior. Welcome to the School of Hard Knocks.

If I remember her story correctly, he was the opposite and tried repeatedly to get her to engage as she distanced herself by drawing closer to her ex. He was apparently concerned by her behavior and began to investigate. Sounds like he was engaging and in tune with her.

 

I guessing because of that he went dark when he found she was cheating. She made no effort prior he has made very little since.

[stillafool]

Thank you all for the inputs. I understand from where you all are coming from. In most marriages, someone makes bad choices which can be non-trivial to super extreme. What I did is something very extreme and killed our marriage. I will repeat something which I have mentioned before. If not all, most of you who have been on either side of infidelity have spoken something or the other about the affair with your partner. You all had that cathartic release when you spoke with your partner (good or bad). For me, I cheated and next thing is I am divorced. There is nothing in between. That is a huge vacuum. I never got an opportunity to speak anything beyond a simple sorry which I feel would never be enough. I was not even given a proper chance to apologize. I wrote him letters but I am sure he didn't read them. Rather he just deleted them. It's not that I am trying to unburden myself by imposing anything on him rather a strong conviction that what I have done till now is just not enough.

 

Recently I have stopped all kinds of communication with him. Even when I needed his inputs badly for something that he had initiated in our company. I still avoided making that call to him. That's best I can do for him at this stage. Leaving him alone and I am doing it. I must confess I am jealous of his current gf but I am rather happy that he has found someone worthy and moved on.

 

Hope I am making sense on why I need a closure. I know I will be dealing with a lot of things for the next few years. I am willing to face them. But I feel I still haven't done enough for him.

 

Your ex's personality sounds a lot like mine even though I'm a woman. I would and have reacted the same way as him when cheated on. I was upset and hurt but knew there would be nothing they could say to make me stay. Conversation over I don't want to hear anymore about it or think about it. I know it's probably not healthy but that's how I move on. I do forgive as soon as possible for my own sanity but I know it's over and would never be the same. Maybe that is how he felt.

[Jamess1]

For me, I cheated and next thing is I am divorced. There is nothing in between. That is a huge vacuum.

 

I must confess I am jealous of his current gf but I am rather happy that he has found someone worthy and moved on.

 

Exactly the advice I give men : I man should never waste a minute still married to a cheating woman, trying to 'work it out': your wife cheating is all the counseling and explanation you need to get a divorce, if she opens her legs for another man while married to you, the marriage is over, everything else is buffering: avoiding the fact.

 

A divorced woman with kids and no-longer in her 20's is disadvantaged than a divorced man past his 20's : things get better for men as they get older, women cheat/divorce their husbands with mentality of their 20s, they can still get seks but will struggle to get the commitment they want from the men they want.

 

Women have all the advantage in their 20s, their Sexual Market Value is highest in their 20s and gradually decreases, and unlike men, wealth or success doesn't compensate on their desirability to the men they would want to get involved with.

 

With men, a divorce in his 30s, 40s and even 50s can be the best gift he can get, some divorced men I have counseled go on to experience the best relationships after divorce, with younger and more attractive women,and by this age most of them are successful and with stable careers, which is an advantage for them.

 

As for you, you are just experiencing 'competition anxiety' and 'hypergamous doubt', your subconscious is asking; '..what if my ex-husband was the best I could do..', '...can I get a better man than my ex', '...another woman has taken a man I once had, maybe I did let go a quality man (this is relative to her level of attractiveness to yours, is she younger/ better looking than you:a new woman more attractive than you been with your ex, will make your ex more attractive to you than before..',: and the general idea that you were with a man who knew his worth, and had enough self-respect to divorce you immediately when you cheated and to start seeking better prospects with other women, and didn't even hate you for your inherent hypergamy as a woman which caused you to cheat, but took it merely as a message to seek other options.

 

We call this 'NEXTING>>' it's always the best choice for a cheated man: replacing a woman is the best,easiest option for men in relationships, always.

Edited December 14, 2018 by Jamess1

[Sarah_Smiles]

I think just writing the letter sending it or not, but get closure from within yourself knowing you are sorry, regret hurting him with the cheating and don't try to get closure from him wanting to discuss his hurt or telling you all is forgiven. Maybe one day when he has fully moved past it all you both can have a coffee and look back on it all, but that day is not now.

[Deepremorse5]

I think I get what you are saying. I put aside all of the judgments about your cheating and focus on what I think is your issue on closure.

 

It appears to me that you wanted a chance to save your marriage. You wanted a chance to fight. Maybe hear him beg, or cry, or rage, or question things and for you to beg, and explain, and endure and show that you would take all that he would dish out. Maybe have the marriage to wither and die with the option of succeeding. Instead, it was like he dropped you. Almost like your marriage, despite your cheating, was not worth the effort to try and salvage. You were not enough. He did not give you a shot and then say that it was too much and divorce. He just said, "fine. Stop apologizing. And we are getting divorced. And I will sleep with you, but it means nothing."

 

In short, I think you want validation that you mattered to him. That your marriage mattered. That he mourned the loss of you and the marriage. To some degree, that is why you are in this pickle...selfishness. On the other hand, those are legit feelings. Everyone wants to know that they mattered.

 

Perhaps the closure that you seek is masochistic. Maybe you need him to say that you did not matter or were not worth the effort. I don't know. I have seen folks beg an offended party to hit them or do something to get them back, as it were. When the offended just walks away, it leaves them confused and unpunished in a way that the felt they deserved.

 

My $.02.

 

Thanks for your words. Was our relationship not worth a few words that he is not willing to talk about it? I accept that I made bad decisions and agree that only I am responsible for the ending it. But I had invested a lot in the relationship too before my indiscretion. He is ambitious and I had supported him all along. Imagine when your significant other is on business travel more than 15 days every month. He knows this and for this reason, he has been very generous to me. But what he offered is what I didn't want. I wanted some connect about our relationship but he was never willing.

[elaine567]

Thanks for your words. Was our relationship not worth a few words that he is not willing to talk about it? I accept that I made bad decisions and agree that only I am responsible for the ending it. But I had invested a lot in the relationship too before my indiscretion. He is ambitious and I had supported him all along. Imagine when your significant other is on business travel more than 15 days every month. He knows this and for this reason, he has been very generous to me. But what he offered is what I didn't want. I wanted some connect about our relationship but he was never willing.

 

Some people will not tolerate cheating, their whole love is bound up with trust and loyalty and without trust and loyalty the love is gone. They do not want to be involved with people who do not have their back, people who have betrayed them

I guess you were dead to him that day he found out you were unfaithful.

There is nothing therefore to talk about as far as he is concerned.

It is not an uncommon reaction.

[stillafool]

Thanks for your words. Was our relationship not worth a few words that he is not willing to talk about it? I accept that I made bad decisions and agree that only I am responsible for the ending it. But I had invested a lot in the relationship too before my indiscretion. He is ambitious and I had supported him all along. Imagine when your significant other is on business travel more than 15 days every month. He knows this and for this reason, he has been very generous to me. But what he offered is what I didn't want. I wanted some connect about our relationship but he was never willing.

 

Who knows, maybe he wasn't so keen on the marriage anymore and when you cheated it gave him the out he was looking for. At any rate it's best to put this behind you and move on now.

[Doorstopper]

Thanks for your words. Was our relationship not worth a few words that he is not willing to talk about it? I accept that I made bad decisions and agree that only I am responsible for the ending it. But I had invested a lot in the relationship too before my indiscretion. He is ambitious and I had supported him all along. Imagine when your significant other is on business travel more than 15 days every month. He knows this and for this reason, he has been very generous to me. But what he offered is what I didn't want. I wanted some connect about our relationship but he was never willing.

 

Think about what you wrote here. You are the one who decided the worth of your relationship ...... not him. You threw it all away ..... not him.

 

You are talking out of both sides of your mouth; taking responsibility.... then not. The fact that you invested a lot doesn't mean that he owes you anything after you decided to throw it all away.

 

A small percentage of Betrayed spouses act this way, and immediately divorce without discussion. Its probably 5% or less. I am not saying any of this to be harsh or critical. I'm telling you this to point out that you will never get closure until you understand that this is fully on you, and that your EX owes you absolutely nothing, because of what you did.

 

A similarly small percentage of WS's simply walk out the door and abandon their marriage's on discovery or on admission of an affair, with no discussion whatsoever. If you were the the BS who was walked out on, I would say that it has nothing to do with you. BS's are selfish and it is only about them.

 

As a WS you are still possessing some of that "it is only about me" trait. The same character flaw that allowed you to have the affair, is responsible for you thinking you are owed something.

Edited December 16, 2018 by Doorstopper

[DKT3]

Thanks for your words. Was our relationship not worth a few words that he is not willing to talk about it? I accept that I made bad decisions and agree that only I am responsible for the ending it. But I had invested a lot in the relationship too before my indiscretion. He is ambitious and I had supported him all along. Imagine when your significant other is on business travel more than 15 days every month. He knows this and for this reason, he has been very generous to me. But what he offered is what I didn't want. I wanted some connect about our relationship but he was never willing.

 

Oh man. So while you were in the middle of your affair you claimed that your husband tried to engage you in conversations, trying to understand what he could do to make you happy. That was your opportunity to save your marriage. Instead you ran to another man, in doing so YOU threw your marriage away, YOU decided it wasnt worth a discussion . Your husband reacted to that and took your lead.

 

If I'm being honest, it is really starting to appear that you do like the rejection and him deciding that he doesn't find you worthy of his trust. He didn't throw you away, he decided you were no longer the woman he wanted to love and trust as a direct reflection of your actions and behavior. Time to accept that without qualifiers such as you never wanted OM, or you never wanted sex or he never gave you a chance...all those things are false, accept it and work on moving forward.

[Purepony]

I feel bad for the op I think she should start with some therapy and work on herself for a while

 

A new year is coming up so good time to start

[bigman1]

DR, I get your point. It appears that you believe that you were a great wife before you cheated and therefore you deserved something for that. Pretty simple. Some BS's have said that they forgave their spouse because a few months of infidelity cannot outweigh years of faithfulness. I don't like it, but I get the sentiment.

 

So, here is the thing, you don't get what you want. No one does. Plain and simple. You got the man you wanted to marry. You got the guy you wanted to cheat with. You don't get to keep the man you married or get credit, or get any consideration. Is it deserved? Is it justice? Is it some form of penance or punishment or comeuppance? It does not matter. It just is.

 

I happen to think that cheating eradicates all consideration for the past relationship. I feel that one gets to call on, rely on, invoke, or refer to the past for anything relationship related, except cheating. Your ex might feel that way, too. Perhaps he feels, as I do, that cheating means that none of the past mattered enough to stop you. In short, he cannot be expected to value the thing that you did not value. If it was not enough to stop you, then it was not enough to stop him. No anger, no bitterness, just a realization that the past was really meaningless and cannot be used to justify creating a future which would also be meaningless.

 

I don't say that as a judgment against you. You cannot undo what you did before, so no need in beating you up over that. To the extent that you wonder why you did not get closure, well, no one really got closure based on how things ended. Sometimes it happens that way and not always due to infidelity; although, in this case, you know that was the reason. There is your closure. Nothing about your relationship or your spouse (him) stopped you from cheating and nothing about this relationship or his spouse (you) stopped him from ending it. It happens a lot and it happened to you.

[aliveagain]

Yes. I was coward and stupid then. I knew he would find out. I have thought about this a lot. If I would have gathered enough courage to tell him the truth, things might have been different.

 

I don't come on here as much as I used to but thought I would would respond to your post because you really need to continue on your own path. Please focus on the bold portion of what you posted. My guess is your husband is very much like me, infidelity is an absolute deal breaker, yet knowing he would find out wasn't enough to stop you from destroying your relationship with him. Your a grown woman, your parents taught you right from wrong, you need to find out why you still continued on your destructive path when you had control. I don't think he really cares about your getting closure because to him your betrayal trumped what you perceive as your rights as his wife. He fired you as his wife and that includes whatever you believe your still entitled to.

 

Just as you didn't discuss your decision to cheat before you cheated, he doesn't owe you any closure because his future is about his happiness only. I don't wish my ex any harm but I am still unlisted so she can never contact me, she lost all of her privileges with me. That is my way of getting someone who has a lot of power over my emotions out of my life. Get whatever professional help you can to help you through this closure issue because his actions are out of your control and you too have lost your privileges with him. Do not interfere with his new relationship because he will resent you if it doesn't work out. Get the help you need to make yourself a safe partner for a future relationship whether it's with him or any other man. Find out why you chose to not honor you vows and your boundaries. Focus on becoming the best Deepremorse5 you can be for yourself, view divorce as your closure.

[understand50]

DR5,

 

I also do not come on here much anymore, but remember your first post. My reply was that you would have to play a long game, and that your odd were also lone. Hes moved on, that is your closure. It is over, and you will have to get used to it. You must also prepare yourself for his finding and getting remarried.

 

I think what really hurts you, is that you were found out, and that from that you lost it all. Not only yourself, but everyone around you knows what you did and what you threw away. This in of itself will not be easy to overcome. I think, you should work on moving forward, and rebuilding your life. Remember what you did as a very hard life lesion.

 

In my opinion, it is this. You were, and are, too self centered. You were selfish when you cheated, you continued when your EX found out, and you continue now. You want to find closure, work to not have life all about you. Work to make those you love and around you, feel and know it is not all about you. Until you do this, you will repeat your past mistakes, and not really know any happiness.

 

I wish you luck.....

[Amethyst68]

To put it bluntly you lost your right to closure the minute you cheated. The instant that happened your ex owed you nothing.

 

I know you've been keeping your hopes up and I think hooking up with him in the hope of getting back together but I think you just have to give up this dream and move on.

[Whoknew30]

I kind is undertand where you’re coming from. People always go back to “once someone cheated, they’ve given up any right to be treated as a human” which I disagree. You’re accepting that the divorce was your consequence, which is great! You should be learning from this mistake.

 

Look if he doesn’t want the whole story, that’s his own personal choice but another choice that shows that you weren’t made to be together. Honestly it’s his weakness bc he now will not own to any part of the break down of your relationship & whether or not someone cheats, usually there is a breakdown somewhat that both the BS & WS should learn from regardless reconciliation or divorce happens. I’ve personally seen people cheat to where I (& others that have never cheated) understand it...including marriages to where a spouse is never around. People think they can handle it but many times can’t & make poor choices. Learn that maybe you’re one of those people that can’t handle a spouse not physically around.

 

You can only worry about yourself & wish him well at this point.

[Mr. Lucky]

Honestly it’s his weakness bc he now will not own to any part of the break down of your relationship & whether or not someone cheats, usually there is a breakdown somewhat that both the BS & WS should learn from regardless reconciliation or divorce happens.

 

He can own his part of the disconnect but still consider infidelity to be a dealbreaker. Almost all relationships have issues so that's not really a differentiator between those that cheat and those that don't...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

Thanks for your words. Was our relationship not worth a few words that he is not willing to talk about it? I accept that I made bad decisions and agree that only I am responsible for the ending it. But I had invested a lot in the relationship too before my indiscretion. He is ambitious and I had supported him all along. Imagine when your significant other is on business travel more than 15 days every month. He knows this and for this reason, he has been very generous to me. But what he offered is what I didn't want. I wanted some connect about our relationship but he was never willing.

 

I don't think you'd like to hear what he would have to say to you if he were honest and should be grateful he didn't want that confrontation. It wouldn't be pretty.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Whoknew, guess you haven't read through Deepremorse's entire previous thread. Deepremorse knew her ex husband's boundaries and his nature rather well.He actually treated her very well and considering their overall relationship, she knew she had a very good thing going for her. However, as humans are wont, she let herself slip into an affair with her ex boyfriend with whom she worked, almost innocuously, never for a moment expecting her affair to be revealed. However, her ex husband is a man with exceptionally tight emotional control and when he suspected her, as far as I can remember, he put a PI on her trail to get irrefutable evidence. After that all hell broke loose.

 

I am sure Deepremorse is full of regrets that she allowed herself that little slip and lost out on a great relationship. Her ex husband is the kind of person who has very strong boundaries and probably sees things in a black and white frame. Once she betrayed him there was no going back for him. He had the kind of emotional control to keep his feelings to himself and not let them leak out. This is probably the reason he does not want to communicate with Deepremorse about anything to do with her infidelity. Probably he has been hurt very deeply because from everything that DR wrote about him, he was a very proud man and her infidelity struck at the root of his manhood. It is also very apparent from the various posts that DR made in her previous thread that he still cares for her at a deep level and this, too, may be a reason why he does not want to let down his emotional reserve in front of her. Whatever be the reasons, DR will have to accept the situation as it is and move on. No doubt a bitter lesson for her but the school of life is a harsh teacher. Just some thoughts.

Edited December 19, 2018 by Just a Guy

[Ronni_W]

Was our relationship not worth a few words that he is not willing to talk about it? <snip>, he has been very generous to me. But what he offered is what I didn't want.

That is not the proper or fair question for you to ask, given that the relationship was not worth it to you, to make responsible decisions for it. We cannot and

should not seek for more from the other person than we are willing to give to them. It was up to you to tell him what you wanted/needed, instead of just taking his generosity and not repaying in kind.

 

<snip> However, as humans are wont, she let herself slip into an affair <snip>

That isn't fair to all of the human Beings who can and do control their impulses and resist/reject all of the kinds and types of temptations that are thrown at them in this life.

Not that there's anything wrong with giving understanding and compassion, but even that still needs to be tempered with the fact that we all do have the power

to make constructive decisions that do not take advantage of other people's kindness and generosity.